I hate this crazy life

Things have been so crazy in my life since I recently broke up with my boyfriend Lee. I miss him so much. I now feel like I'm a boat who's anchor has broken loose, and now I'm just aimlessly floating around on the ocean, getting tossed about by the waves. I have absolutely no sense of stability and it's driving me insane.

I've practically returned to prostitution, which I swore I'd never do. I'm not advertising on the net or hooking up with random strangers each night like I used to, but I am getting free drugs from a couple of dealers in exchange for sex. I spent last night with one of them, drinking shots, smoking heaps of meth, and of course, getting my brains fucked out.

I returned home this morning - hungover, coming down, and generally thinking "what the hell was I doing?". I don't plan any of this shit. The rational part of my brain seems to be switched off, and I just go with whatever my emotions or impulses tell me to do. I'm sure it's a symptom of my BPD, but I don't want to use that an excuse. So while recovering quietly at home today, I've been reflecting on my life and wondering what the hell I want to do with it!

Well, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I don't want to be doing this. It's time to start tuning into that rational part of my brain. I've attempted to get clean thousands of times before, but this time it feels different. More serious, I guess. I don't care if my life turns out to be pretty unsuccessful... I just don't wanna spend it as skanky drug addict who'll do anything for a fix.

 

Please hang in there Sweet P. I hate the fact that you are hurting yourself (but really, I can't say anything because I do it too).

You seem like good people so STOP IT, girl!