Anger

Its been pointed out to me many times recently that I may have some anger issues. May have? Shit, I truly do have a lot of anger inside of me. I have been chalking this up to being clean from drugs and alcohol but I am unsure if this is the reason. I will have 60 days clean on October 20th (this coming Tuesday) and I haven't noticed any change yet.

I think that one of the primary catalysts is that people try to take advantage. I try to give what I can when I can but I have been receiving the most presumptuous requests lately concerning people asking for money, cigarettes and rides. I really have no problem with giving rides to folks but on a couple of occasions some have been treating me like their bitch taxi service. (I have since cut those people from my life).

People in NA are aware that I am not working but a few people have asked (almost demanded) money from me as if I owed it to them or something. These people, well these TWO people have 6 months and 15 months clean respectively. They should know better.

I hold this anger in but I can sense that I am going to explode in an unreasonable, unfair violent rage the more often these incidents occur.

I was telling friends tonight that my next response to monetary requests will be as follows:

'Dude, I have money in my left pocket. I'm not telling you how much but if you can take it from me using fists, knife or gun, its yours.'

WTF?!?!?!? This seems exciting to me. It also seems like a fantasy way of fulfilling my need to get hurt. I can't hurt myself anymore (I can't act out in such unhealthy ways) but if someone else hurts me, than its a win-win situation.

Its stupid nonsense, I know but again... WTF!?!?

I walk around with a chip on my shoulder hoping that someone will fuck with me so that I can release all this rage. Its unfair to whoever this may unfold upon since, essentially I want to get hurt as much as I want to hurt someone else.

I read somewhere on BL a suggestion concerning this and I may pursue it. They suggested purchasing a metal trash can and a baseball bat and going out to a field and beating the shit outta the can. This would be fun (as well as therapeutic) but there will be no excitement or pleasure gained from the lack of flesh against flesh animalistic violence.

I know this sounds psychotic. In my heart I don't want to hurt ANYONE AT ALL but myself. Why is this? I don't know. Perhaps I still hate myself and feel I still need to punish myself?

I DO know that this type of thinking will take me back to the misery and pain of the needle. I can't have that!

If I ever get pushed along on the waiting list for my IOP I'm going to tell them that I'm covered from an addiction standpoint through NA but I truly need help with whatever underlying issues I have with myself that are causing these thoughts and feelings.

Recovery is a slow and gradual process. I know this but... again... WTF?!?!!??!

 

i use music to get out frustrations. sometimes blasting music really loudly and shouting along with it helps. or going to show and getting down in the pit with all the pushing and shoving and blowing off steam.

 

I would love to find a nice show with a massive pit!

 

Are you still working on running? I find that after a good run, I feel much lighter emotionally. Things that were bugging the hell out of me before are either forgotten or not as bothersome. Maybe incorporate some pushups along the way for some upper-body exertion. Or failing that, go a couple of rounds with a heavy bag if you can get access to one. Not quite the same as beating on a chump, but texturally it is pretty similar.


... I would imagine. ]

Speaking from experience though, repressing emotions is a very VERY unhealthy thing to do, even in the short term. I internalize everything, and while I'm nowhere near as bad as I was a couple of years ago, I still get physically ill if I'm upset. Find a social and physically emotional catharsis that works for you, and use it. Exercise is a good place to start, but finding the right sort of workout is key.

 

Sound advice, Dave. I haven't worked out in 5 or 6 days. It seems that if I miss 1 day than my whole routine is screwed. Sometimes when I workout I actually get more pumped and angry.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to get a script for Chantix. Once I successfully quit smoking I will be pursuing some sort of competitive martial art. I think it would be healthy to fight in an organized arena.

Also, I intend to start the jogging routine as an aid to quit smoking.

I'm truly not a violent angry person but sometimes I wonder if I always was but have repressed those emotions with drugs.

 

if you feel comfortable hanging out in bars, check out local punk nights at the bars. its how i met most of the skinheads i keep talking about on here... at shows, we all end up bouncing and pushing and whatnot to blow off steam.