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Finished work 3 hours early today thank fuck..It's so hot at the moment i just can't be fucked doing anything.

Now that I'm home Ill troll Bluelight for the next few hour's, own some dude's on CODMW2 and then I'm going to my Nana's for dinner

Good old Nana haha, always doing shit for me, buying me stuff, giving me money, helping out in general..Love you Nan

I am attending my first AA meeting tonight!!!! This isn't technically my first meeting. I've been 30,40,50? times before, but those were ALL court ordered. I was still a teenager back then, and now I am 25 years old.

Planning to goto one of these things voluntarily feels alot different. I'm actually kind if nervous whereas back then I was only interested in getting it over with and doing my best to look "hard" and "jaded" while I sat there. (to impress the real hardcore older addicts, of course)

I hope that whatever/whoever I see there tonight doesn't make me more depressed than what I am right now.


clean from alcohol/weed for: 24 hours
clean from everything else for: 5 days

had my surgery last monday and everything went fine. i was wrapped up in tight bandages with 2 drains coming out which were annoying as FUCK. had to be emptied 3 times a day and were gross to look at. plus they made it so i couldn't wear shirts cos they hung off of me, and were painful. after the surgery i threw up 3 times. i have never been in more pain than throwing up right after having major surgery on my chest, which is put under a lot of pressure when you puke. fucking awful. i was miserable all week.

today i got the drains out though, and got to look at my chest for the first time for a few minutes before the bandages were put back on. it looks great! i mean, i'm still all bruised and the incisions still look gross and bloody, but i can tell that in a few weeks it's gonna look awesome. i'm really fucking pumped. so the bandages are back on now, but in 48 hours i can take them off long enough to shower!! which is great, i miss showering very much. then next tuesday i go and get the stitches out, and then i'll be allowed to raise my arms above my head, so i can start wearing t-shirts again, and just have more mobility in general.

i'm so pumped. this is definitely the greatest thing that i've ever done. i already feel way better. but then again, i did just take 3 vicodins. i got a script for 40 of them and had a few left over. since i'm still not allowed to drive and still can't really do much, i figured why not just take a few of em and just feel nice? feels mad nice, it's quite easy to see how people get addicted to opiates. i'm tempted to take more already and i only took those 3 like 45 mins ago.

i'm not going to get addicted though. i had been taking one every 4 hours for a week, just to keep the pain away, and i didn't shit basically at all the whole time. today i didn't take one in the morning and drank 2 coffees and holy shit. literally. i never wanna go through that again.

oh well i guess this is kinda pointless, just wanted to update cos the last time i updated my blog i was pissed off but now i am HAPPY.

i know nobody reads this, but i need to get this shit off my chest somewhere.

people are fucking idiots. i changed my name about a month ago, and about a week after that i went to go change it with my bank. everything seemed to have gone fine, and the woman working with me told me i could expect to receive a new debit card as well as new checks in about 2 weeks. well, by today i still hadn't received anything, and it's been 3 weeks, so i decide to call the bank. i tell the person on the line the whole situation, how i'd had my name changed and all that, and was told a new card would be sent to me, well as it turns out, that's not true. i was apparently supposed to have ordered a new card. i was pissed that i'd been waiting for so long because i'd been told the wrong thing, but whatever, i ask if i can get a new one sent to me. she says that if i do that, the card i have now will be de-activated. wtf? i can't have my card de-activated right at that moment as i was unprepared, so i decide i'll call back after i've taken enough money out to last until i get the new one, and hang up.

then i decide to figure out the check situation, and have to call a different number for the checks. i explain my situation again. the woman on the phone tells me that my name has not been changed with them, and after seeing the name they have for me, starts calling me ma'am, and is telling me that i need to go to the bank to change it. first of all, it's very poor customer service to start calling someone something that they're CLEARLY uncomfortable with, considering i'm going through all of this fucking bullshit to change my name and body. hey, i told you my name is jace, and i sound like a guy, and you didn't think anything of it until you saw my old name, so fuck you. second of all, stop telling me i need to go to the bank when i just told you that i already fucking went to the bank. my name is changed on the bank website, but i guess the check company and my bank have two different records or some shit. whatever, i hang up. i found out i can order checks from other websites, so i just do that and everything's all set.

so back to the debit card situation. i remember that when my debit card was snapped in half* at the beginning of this year, when i called to get a new card, they didn't have to de-activate it and just sent a new one. since my name is jace with the bank, i decide to call and tell them that my card has been damaged and i need a new one to be sent to me. i do just that, and i'm told that that's fine, and that i can still use my card until i get the new one in the mail. what the fuck?!? seriously, what's the difference between if i need a new one cos i have a different name on the one i have now, or if i need a new one cos my old one is damaged?? either way, you are going to be sending me a debit card with my name on it. i don't fucking understand this. i'm glad it all worked out, but i am pissed as hell.


* = this was an equally ridiculous situation also caused by pure stupidity of people who are supposed to be doing their jobs. my debit card was slighting bent near the magnetic strip, but this had never caused any problems. well one day at abercrombie, the woman working (actually, there were 2 of them trying to ring me out) could not figure out how to slide my card. she slid it 5 different times without turning it around or anything and then figured my card must have something wrong with it. seeing that my card was bent, she decided to try and bend it back the other way. well, anyone with half a brain knows that if you bend plastic both ways, it will snap. and that's what happened. she asked if i have another card. uh, what the hell? i'm 19 years old, no i don't have another card. i suggest to her that she tries typing in the numbers manually. her and the other one she was working with look like a lightbulb just went off in their head, amazed at my suggestion of sheer genius, and type the numbers in manually all like "why didn't we think of that?? lol". so i got my sweatshirt in the end, but my card is left snapped in half. another important thing to note is that even after my card is snapped half way down, i'm still able to swipe it through when buying gas, proving that these 2 people were just complete idiots who did not know how to slide a card through.

Since I've been so fucking stressed lately, I've noticed it takes much more drugs than usual for me to even feel them. I drank 151 last night and smoked pot. Didn't really feel drunk. On new years eve, I was so numb it took alot to get me fucked up. I take a ton of benadryl regularily now to take the edge off, cause I can't afford to be buying benzos and can't get a script yet. I'm on 2 darvocet, 3 benadryl, small dose of dxm, 2 energy drinks, and I'm sleep deprived. A month ago before I became homeless I would be fucked up right now. But no, I feel normal. On dxm now, I feel normal. On everything almost, I feel normal. I hate being so fucking stressed to the point I can't even feel emotion the way I used to. I guess its a defense, coping mechanism....but shit. It sucks at the same time. I don't know where "I" went. I have my days where I'm paranoid and anxious as fuck, then I have my "fuck everything, I don't care what you think of me" days. I like those. Like now. I've been so numb on days like this...I don't even know why I'm still alive. I guess its my body's way of dealing.

Well that's it, another day gone..It's 9pm, i have work at 5am but as per usual I'm not tired..so will probably wont get to sleep until around midnight

Ill head off to the 24 hour deli in a minute to buy some smoke's and a Red Bull to give me that extra boost when i wake up...

Damn those energy drinks though...So addicting, i usually have at least 4 everyday which is no doubt fucking bad for your heart.

Lol...but isn't "everything" these day's not good enough or bad for you? (sigh) whats the point in trying.

OK time for my fix of Californication and then hopefully some shut eye

Night to whoever is reading this.

fuck this. I miss it too bad.
I've lost everything because of it but it is the only thing that can make living with this emptiness easier. My heart aches and my mind races. I've already decided that I'm going to make a phone call. I haven't called this guy in ages and im pretty sure my ex has already tried to cock block me with him...hopefully he needs the money

Ok...well i get to buy mawfucking books 2moro for my classes...blah got to slap on my best gear cuz u know the sluts will be in full attendance u know what im saying...you wanted 2 be free so i let u fly...but i know in my heart out love will never die...


Glooek...plz come 2 chicago...im on parole otherwise id come to you...u should get supergeeked like bill gates and u can get on top and ill make u feel like ur on top of the world like the princess that u are

bumping mariahs greatest hits...

Isnt degrassi the best show ever made>>>>>>>>>>>>

Today is Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 and it is now 200 PM here in Brooklyn, NYC.

Monday I had to go take care of some paperwork for the storage unit I had contracted up in the Bronx, when I lost the lease on my flat in Betances Projects. So after dosing at the Methadone Clinic, and picking up my 2 take home bottles (I dose Monday, Thursday and Friday), I took the Q Train into the "City" (as Brooklynites usually call Manhattan). I then made the switch for the Bronx bound #6 Train (shout out to J-Lo, that big bootied ho).

Did my little thing and headed across my old neighbourhood (Mott Haven) for an easier ride back downtown on the 2 Train.
I got to the station (Hub, E149 St. and 3rd Ave.).

The following requires a tad bit of explaining so please bear with me. For the last few years subways have only accepted "Metrocards" for payment of fares. Metrocards are credit card sized pieces of bendable plastic with a magnetic strip on the bottom. At the turnstile you swipe your card through the "reader" and it deducts your fare.

For the last 3 years the city has been eliminating the position and responsibility of the "Token Clerk," the person who here to fore sat in a bullet proof metal booth and sold the cards, etc. Now one must buy their card from a vending machine.

These machines, computerised, break down quite often and even when working often refuse to accept bills because of some imperceptible flaw. This causes a great many hassles as one might imagine.

Because of that huge problem I buy mine from grocery stores, etc. When you buy cards in this manner they come in shrink wrapped plastic.

Now...approaching the turnstile I begin removing 1 of my 2 shrinkwrapped cards from my front jeans pocket, only to be grabbed by 2 undercover pigs. Throwing cuffs on me they refused to tell me what they were doing, only talking to direct me as they searched me and the small plastic bag I was carrying.

When the 1 officer searched my bag you could see the gleam in his eye as he saw my methadone. Making some asinine comment about my being in a heap of trouble I had to burst his pork flavoured bubble to inform him to look a tiny bit more at the bottles, as in "Read the Prescription Labels on each." Barely able to deciper my name (Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami" I then told him he would find a curious thing if he bothered to closely inspect my wallet. It was then that he realised that the bottles were completely legal.

At that point he became rather accomodating. Back in the day NYC cops always opened ur bottles and poured them out in front of you, to torture you as much as possible. This officer though told me calmly that I better decide if I wanted to drink one or both now because regulations prohibit the transport of any liquids.

I was taken aback by what seemed to be genuine civility and asked him if it was not at all possible to voucher it so that I could pick it up upon my release. I had just dosed and IF I was going to be released that day, or even the next I did not want to have to do without my meds.

Finally he agreed upon the condition that when we arrived at the police station I would have someone come pick it up along with all my personal effects. Not bad I thought.

I was put in an NYPD marked van with a couple of other men and driven all the way to E180th St. and Morris Park Bvd., home of the District 12 Transit Police station. Dropped in a holding cell with about 15 other men, next to a holding cell filled with teenaged high school girls who had been in a huge street fight, before turning on the police who came to break it up. As the girls continued their cacophany of non-sensical chatter, and the man around me moaned (from that same chatter), He same offficer handed me my Sidekick (mobile phone with internet, the same device I am composing this entry on at the moment), so as to arrange for someone to come and pick up my personal effects in the event that I would be transported to Central Booking and actually enter the correctional system.

I IMed a woman who was a neighbour of mine in Betances, as my family and friends are in Brooklyn and even if I had chosen to let them know my situation (and I never would) they would not have had time enough to come and get it.

I then decided that I ought to drink1 of the take home bottles just in case she did not come in time. I then began my nod in the cell.

One by one the men in the cell with me were released on DATs. A "DAT" is NYPD speak for "Desk Appearance Ticket." As the name suggests, it is a summons (intermediate form) that allows the police to release directly from the station, as opposed to having to go through actual Booking as they entered the system.

You get put in the cell, you remove belts and shoe laces and surrender them. You are researched, you have to clap your shoes together to make anything you have cached there fall to the ground.

Then they print you (take your Fingerprints) on a computerised machine that does not require ink. It checks them, connects them to a databank that Pedigrees (correlates all relevant data) the arrestee.

If your Pedigree shows no outstanding warrants, and you are arrested for a misdemeanour, you will most likely get a DAT. The thing is, I still had no fucking idea why I was in jail! Everytime I got loud through the bars they would yank my proverbial chain, "Don't worry, ya' gonna' get out in a bit. Got any warrants? Nah? Den' don't worry. Youse guys are always aksin' dis' and dat' but youse nevah' staht' to think about ya' own akshunz'...." My actions? WTF? I had merely been pulling my Metrocard out of my pocket.

Anyway, I was placed in the cell about 1 PM. About 7 they tell me I have "3 or 4" Warrants. I had gone to my attorney in 2003 to clear anything I might have incurred in my earlier years (prior to 1997 everything short of gun offences was DAtd and if you did not show up for your initial court date you incurred a Warrant). My attorney found 6, we cleared them in 2 days , end of story. There fore I knew I had none but you cannot argue this because if they say you do, you just have to tell it to the judge.

At 9 PM they took 4 men and myself to Bronx Central Booking, which is located in the Old Criminal Courthouse on E161st ST. Court runs from 930 AM until 2 AM, 7 days a week. I had hoped of seeing the judge quickly.

As the van is pulling up to the entrance, it maneuvered to park on the street, as there is no protected parking area as one sees at Manhattan Central Booking. As this youg semi-retarded cop attempted to parallel park, over and over, some fat white man drives up and tells the cop to get of his spot!

Turns out the guy in the car is a Fire Dept. EMT, who screens all new defendants entering Booking. So they got into a pissing contest, before the cops ushered us inside.

So we are Pedigreed again, and now must go through that bullshit medical screening. Only thing is, the EMT will not see us because he is pissed at the cop that drove us!!!

We finally got upstairs to the Booking Holding Cells, but it was already 1130 PM and we would have to wait until the next say since the arrestees already on the next floor up, 3rd Floor (where courtrooms are) were backed up.

I spent a hellish night sleeping on a bench, trying to not get into a fight (only 1 guy got on my nerves), thinking I was being held on some bullshit misdemeanour like "Fare Evasion," etc.

At 830 AM Tuesday morning an attorney from "Bronx Defenders" (with a misdemeanous I would not contact my own lawyer because on top of the Retainer I would have to ocough up about 1500 just for a Bronx Appearance, and more for night time which is what I had been counting on) came to see me. I am chained up, escorted to the little cubicles they use, and am told that the Warrants were errors, but that they claimed that they had witnessed me...and this is fucking hilarious...pick up a used Metrocard off of the ground, bend it (to compromise the magnetic strip) and offer to skim passengers in for 1 Dollar (fare is 2.25). I got very angry, and she copped an attitude. I told her to check any voucher report, how many singles did I have, most of all the station is loaded with CCTV cams. But then she dropped the bombshell.

While I was out of the country they had passed a law making the action a Class D Felony!!! Now I am sweating bullets...

I am placed in a call closer to the coury and 15 minutes later I am sent in front of the judge. The ADA ("Asst. District Attorney" AKA Prosecutor) claimed that I was a danger to society, and asked for 3,000 US Bail!

The judge literally laughed at him, nodded her head as if saying, "You pricks are something else" and released me ROR ("Released on your Own Recognisance"), meaning without bail.

I was given a court date of 10/29 but I surely be halfway around the world and am considering not even asking for a long continuance since I hate this country anyway, but i am still thinking it through.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my own attorney on this case, so maybe he cans squash it. Then comes the lawsuit.

Only 23 hours inside, but enough.

Today is Sunday, Janurary 3rd, 2010 and it is now 10:09PM here in Brooklyn, N.Y., USA.

Since my last entry more than 1 month ago I have taken 2 trips East. Trip #1 was to take care of some long standing issues with business back on Mindanao. I left on 12/06, taking China Air out of NY, stopping in Anchorage, Alaska for refueling and plane deicing, and back into the stratosphere to Tapei, Taiwan.

Taiwan is usually an 8 to 12 hour layover, not enough time to leave the airport but this time I did wing it through Immigration and Customs to see a mate of mine who is working with the Tapei Govt.

I usually will not consider doing that because I usually am carrying methadone (if heading East) or morphine or oxycontin (oxycodone) if heading West. Tapei has curious red plastic signs on its walls warning that methadone is absolutely prohibited. It is very curious indeed since Taiwan has its own methadone programmes!

Had a bit of lunch with my mate, met his cute Chinese GF, with her so-so looking friend (nope, was not interested)...then time to do it again. Got flagged this time, and actually had my 14 methadone bottles manhandled but I am a good talker, and always have my ps and qs in order.

Got into Makati (Manila) at 4 PM and went directly to my flat. Since August I have sublet a condo in the Rada building (Rada Regency). This was the 1st time I even entered it. A deceased BLer, many old BLers will remember, Xtcxtc used to have a duplex there.

Inrerestingly, when u sublet or rent in the Philippines the units are absolutely bare. You have to buy your own stove, fridge, etc. The rent is amazingly low, 400 US a month for a studio, in one of the most luxurious buildings in the nation. Pool on the roof, private gym, concierge, security, private pedestrian bridge to the 4 malls in Makati, and mini mall on the 1st floor of the building.

My flat is fully accomodated since I had a cousin of mine handle it. It is in the Legaspi Village section of Makati/ In the adjoining Salcedo Village section the nation's only Jewish Community. 250 Jews!!!

My Clan, Dwek, paid 50% of the cost in constructing the only synagouge and I have 4 Clansmen, 1 with family, living in the area. The Israeli Embassy is around the corner and so I decided, now that my marriage is ending, it would be grand to have a flat in the capital to escape to now and again.

Spent a day enjoying my new bed, and then flew down to Butuan, on Mindanao. The big news as soon as I landed, was the "Maguindanao Massacre." I did a thread on it in CE and P if anyone is interested ("2010 Election, Philippine Style").

To recap, very briefly, a gubneratorial race on the island turned violent (they always do) and resulted in the single worst case of violence against journalists. On Monday 11/23, 61 people were shot at point blank range by a pro-govt paramilitary loyal to the Ampatuan Clan. The Ampatuan are Moros, Muslims, of the Maguindanaon ethnicity. A man from the Mangufdadatu Clan (also Moro, same ethnicity) decided to challenge the Clan which rules West Central Mindanao, by filing for candidacy in the May, 2010 Elections.

He sent his wife, Clanswomen, 2 attorneys and 30 journalists in a convoy to the provincial capital 1 hour away. Entering Ampatuan territory and stopped at a Police Checkpoint they were waylaid by at least 100 gunmen.

Driven through the jungle they were executed, and were being buried when the AFP (army) happened upon the gruesome crimescene.

The crime shocked the nation but I feel its hypocritical to say the least. The NY Times did a piece on it, Philippine Media is working it for all its worth yet on the border of our cattle operation in Prosperidad a Manobo tribesmen, leading his men in a family feud, took 60 schoolkids hostage when the army tried serving arrest warrants on 4 murders...story did not even rate a mention! 34 were killed 2 km off my compound in an NPA (Maoist Insurgency) and AFP (army) confrontation and again, nothing outside the province!

Anyway, picked up by our driver Ondoy and driven the 90 klicks south to San Franz. I have to admit, I love Mindanao. Have no fucken idea why, drives me bloody crazy but it actually feels like home!

In the compound said hi to everyone, and had a big lunch. Spent 3 busy days doing the paperwork, signing what needed signing, and discussing my deploding marriage.

Ahhhhh...my marriage hahaha...Well Rizza is still on Cebu, we are still not together, and I did not see her at all. I am looking into divorcing her abroad, probablly in Israel and then trying to file it in Mindanao. There is a clause in Philippine Law that allows Foreigners who marry Filipinas to divorce in the Foreigner's land and then have that divorce given legal standing within the Philippines. There is a question as to whether -or-not this holds true ONLY for marriages contracted in said Foreign lands.

Rizza and I were originally married in a Jewish religious marriage in Israel when she was a juvenile (in Ph Law). Ergo, THAT marriage isn't recognised in Ph Law. We then had a Civil Ceremony in San Franz when she reached maturity. That is the marriage at the center of this issue.

Attorneys are working on it.

I then flew out of Davao, back into Makati and left that same day for NYC, the same way I arrived. Got back here 12/10.

I have always enjoyed the Holiday Season in NYC...I love the cold, I love grey skies and snow...Go figure. We (Jews) do not celebrate Xmas, nor is Chanukkah (Hanukkah) an equivalent despite the disgusting efforts of largely assimilated American-Jews to make it so.

Chanukkah, which means "Re-Dedication," celebrates a martial victory, the defeat of the Seleucid Greek nation of Syria by Jewish guerillas under the Hasmosean Clan, usually known as the "Maccabbi Clan."

The Seleucids were Greeks, descended from Seleucid, a general in Alexander the Great's army (like the Ptolemaics of Egypt, who descended from the general Ptolemy).

The Seleucids began pressing their heel on Judea, finally trying to impose its pagan religion upon the Jews.A Seleucid official entering a Judean hill village had the townspeople gather in the plaza, and tried to compel them to offer obesiance to the Seleucid cult. Finally a village man stepped forward to make the ritual sacrifice.

A Village elder, a patriarch of the Hasmoesan Clan stepped forward and lopped his head off for daring to commit sacrilege. The men then turned on the Seleucids and annihilated the party. Knowing retirbution would be coming the men then fled deep into the hills and launched a guerilla war against the Seleucids.

Finally wining, and retaking the capital of Jerusalem, the Jews were horrified to see that the Seleucids had defiled the Temple. Clearing the Temple they then prepared to offer the first (Jewish) ritual sacrifice but found only enough Holy Oil to last 1 day. Knowing that it would take 1 week, at least, to prepare enough oil, they prayed for a miracle and went about "Re-dedicating" the Temple.

As they prepared the oil they were astonished to find that the single day's worth of oil lasted 8 full days, just enough time to allow for the new oil's preperation. This is why the holiday is 8 days long, and why 8 candles are lit on the Menorah (8 sticked candelbra).

The traditional food for the holiday are jelly donuts that we fry at home ourselves, and we have a gambling game we play with a little 4 sided spinning top called a "Dreid'l." The top has a Hebrew letter on each of the 4 sides and you bet on which side will land face up.

American-Jews do not eat donuts, and only children play with tops. They eat a potatoe pancake called "Latkeh," which they eat with sour cream and/or apple sauce.

A disgusting practice adopted by American-Jews is gift giving on the holiday. I have seen many that give 1 present a day for each of the 8 days. This is an absolute abomination that at best makes Israelis laugh drisivle at our American brothers. It is done solely to ape Xtians. Even worse, some have adopted Xmas trees, which they call "Hannukah Bushes." It is enough to make most Jews vomit.

Im stressing out here and the sweats are coming, already had the chest pain..... can you guess what I forgot to do today?

DING DING DING

That's right Vanna, take my god damned pills.

That with worry over a friend doesn;t help. I guess I should go take them before I become a mess of fucked up ness again.

brb BL lol

i kinda feel like dobby when he was hitting his head there..... i wish i could do that about now....lol

eh well..... i would forget my head if it wasn;t attached.

well off i go to take 'em.

Gonna feel like shit though even after for at least 45mins -1hr.

Oh well. Here I go.

BRB BL.

Ive fucked up so bad in the past 2 months.

Unknown to anyone I stopped taking my meds, I guess I was just sick of taking yet ANOTHER pill.

I RAGED out and said things to people online and IRL to people I love, Care about, and even just random people or just random online friends that have been nasty and said things to hurt because things were going shitty for me so I thought if I hurt them and left them that they would hate me and would have nothingto hurt over or miss once I ran .... if i ran....or fucked up big time. If I fucked up I had no one to disappoint if I fucked up with everyone.

I took cheap shots, hard shots, things that I thought would hurt or KNOW would ruin friendships and relations with people.

I am back on my meds now.

Now that the anger and ftw is gone, I have realized how badly Ive fucked up.

I know that not only I but it takes 2, but I did instigate ALL fights and arguments and petty lil "lets fuck this firendship up" BS.

Ive always been scared to get TOO close to people and love them, or care for people, or friendship because of my past and how majorly backstabbed ive been in the past.

Now Ive become the backstabber, the bitch, the ruiner.

Now though I STILL feel like shit, its my own damn fault this time.

Confidence and Ability still don't help to eradicate fear.

Maybe I -AM- psycho......

Hell look at my family....

I'm such an idiot.

also...

I'm such a fool.


Now I have to live with this hurt cause I know the ones I lashed out at, the ones I said the worst things to (because I loved them the most) I said the worst of the worst things to and I have lost what we had, and will probably bever be forgiven.

I pray for forgiveness, though Im not really a religious person, but any extra help...ya know...

The ones I hurt, will most likely never read this....nor will they take my calls or letters oor anything.....

I think I finally broke the last straw on the camels back with most and they've given up and moved on.

I can't seem to forgive myself, to stop thinking of how badly I fucked up with everything in my life, how badly I fucked up.

I had just started getting friends and loved ones again after just getting on my meds and the balls to talk to people and meet people and talk to people. Hell even some were from before my meds days, which is worse cause they've put up with so much with me, Ive been there for them, they've been there for me, they've helped me, and ive stabbed them in the back with a nice chisel and fucked everything up.

I wish i could fix it all up.

There is no easy fix, or not instant "i forgive you", I know that. I just wish I had the chance.

I know Ive been given many chances.....chance after chance after chane in my life by these people....and i seem to keep fucking up.....Im sorry.

I know "I'm Sorry" can never cut it, can never heel open wounds, can never repair stupidity. I am sorry for being stupid. I am sorry for my anger and rage and acting out and fucking things up, I am sorry for stopping my meds and seeming so fucked in the head.....was I even rational? I don't think so.

Now I miss everyone during a time when we all should be putting together a kick ass party for new years....a time for having fun in the holiday season.

Ive fucked up so bad, I am back to where I started again..... I dont want to be.....I want you all back.....I miss you all....

You will never read this....I wish there was a way you all....more some than others....could look into my heart.....my soul and see the hurt and the love i have for you and realize I fucked up.

can anything ever be repaired?

who knows.....

Im not one for giving up but I gave up.....why? I dunno....

I will not give up on hope.....hope that one day at least a few can forgive me..... even 1 or 2 to forgive would be nice.

for those who I hurt that have found there way here....that have found this blog somehow......someway..... someday maybe...


I AM VERY TRUELY SORRY

which i know cant make up for what i did.....but i am.

I have to hold strong and not cry over my stupidity....

Its my own damn fault......MY fault.....so I guess I deserve all that I got in the end.....

for the ones that I lashed out at and hurt.....or really just lashed out at and was pretty fucking psycho with...... i u ......Im sorry.....

maybe one day....some day, somehow.....you will forgive me.

I know i will have to wait....wait and see.....I have to be patient......then let you know ALL that I fucked up and I am sorry..... but I have to wait....its all too fresh....and you all need time...

I need time....

I need to realize that you are in my life for a reason...you WANT to be.....feeling of .....what i was.....of that one day you would ALL leave me and laugh about it on how i was a fool......was retarded.....I guess I need to UP my meds a little too if I was having those thoughts.....

I am.....

*sigh*


such a fool.



fuuuuuuuck.


I will give time......

maybe one day again we can work on things and be friends those i lashed out at.....

maybe ive fucked up too bad this time...??

have i lost you all forever?

i dunno.....


we'll see.....

I have to wait and be patient.....

time....people need time.

i u my bestfriends, my friends, my online friends, everyone....

If i have lashed out at you in the last 2-3 months I am sorry.....

Ive been fucked up.....Ive fucked up....

Im sorry and I still u.

*sigh*

Ive fucked up pretty bad this time.....


im sorry everyone....

I wanted to hit a meeting in North Philly today. North Philly is where ya go for whatever drugs you need. We have MANY open air drug markets and I heard that the meetings 'in the heart of it all' were fuckin' hardcore.

Three of us cruised down to a (I never knew these existed) NA Clubhouse. Well its a Recovery Building that has meetings for a couple of 12 Step fellowships. The place was cool. It was dirty, had a leaky roof and there was a dude nodding out on one of the benches. THIS is what its about, I was thinking.

Anyway, we got the time for the meeting from one of the directories but it wasn't accurate so we missed the meeting.

We decided to cruise out and grab some Taco Bell. On the way out the neighborhood started looking VERY familiar. I'm finding that I don't pay attention as much when I drive and when I snapped out of my little fog, I saw a street that I knew well. I was a block away from where I used to cop every day.

I was filled with all kinds of stuff inside. I could either drive straight, bypassing the corner boys OR I could take a right (out of curiosity) and drive by my old spot.

I turned right.

NO ONE has ANY business driving down that street unless they live there or intend to buy something.

I drove past the corner and saw the crew out but I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. I just stared stright ahead. If I made eye contact then... well, you know. Eye contact is the first part of the copping process.

I had no desire to use but I sure was curious, nostalgic and reminiscent of the bad ol' days. I can't explain the discomfort but I can say that I DID NOT BELONG there anymore.

I was well known there and a VERY good customer. I kinda feel like I betrayed there business by getting clean. Weird, huh?

Oh well, I keep learnin' some stuff which is kinda cool. Sometimes learning is uncomfortable.

Boy when you do what you do to me
Everything is the way it should be
You make me feel like I'm living a dream,

Tell me it's real
Cause I'm telling you
You take my breath away
I swear to you
You take my breath away

Boy I've been waiting for you all my life
I see my soul when I look in your eyes
You've taken me completely by surprise

Tell me it's real
Cause I'm telling you
You take my breath away
I swear to you
You take my breath away
I'm speaking truths
You take my breath away
I swear to you
You take my breath away

You don't have to promise me forever
All I'm asking you for is tonight
You need to take some time and see where this is going
Boy it feels so right when we hold each other tight

Oh Yeah

Tell me it's real
Cause I'm telling you
You take my breath away
I swear to you
You take my breath away
Honestly you do
You take my breath away
I'm speaking truths
You take my breath away
I ain't lying to you
You take my breath away
I'm speaking truths
You take my breath away
I swear to you
You take my breath away
Honestly you do

I feel normal around you
I feel more like me with you
No Pill could do what you do
You call me psycho
I call it determination
You call it a fling
I thought it was love
You broke my heart, did you even notice?

Can we start over again? This can't be the end.

All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
that can't be true, can it?
words to hurt?
thought you could mean it?
why did you say them?

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you.

Maybe I'm psycho
Maybe I'm insane
but then isn't that the cool part?
being morbid all stimmed up.

Being with you
Is so disfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
don't ask me why
like you like to do
cause I don't know completely why...

I shouldn't want you like I do
I shouldn't love you like I do
I got obligations and complications and all that other stuff
but I can't seem to let you go
your on my mind each day.
Every day I hope one day I'll get a second chance.

I know your ego
I know I boost it when I say stuff like this
They're not just words to get me some ass
Its truth, and knowing me you should know that's true.

You said you loved me
I never thought love was so indispensable
I thought love was hard to forget, hard to forget
how can you tell me now that you don't care?
I thought love was more than sex...?
Did you even love me? or were they just words....?

You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you.

I thought that we had fun
I thought those nights were cool
I had more ideas
but thought you mind find them lame
maybe i should have said them?

You said you loved me
I said nothing in return
I should have said "I heart you too"
I never did, I was scared
Is that why you gave up on me?

It's been awhile since we saw each other
since we spoke, voice to voice
it's been days since you've even been online
have you disappeared
this magic act is not like you
even to your online "friends"
we worry about you bru
I worry about you

Then again you know how I'm a worry wart
even though you have "help"
I still worry about you
cause you know
that's how real good friends roll.

I said things out of anger, I hope you know I didn't mean them
I was hurt, and not just from you, from alot of messed up things
Then include the jelous ex, who I hope didn't do you any trouble
that would hurt me even more if he did, cause I know it would be in part my fault.

You said that it was backstab by proxy
but that would emply I said anything to anyone at all
I told you I am not a rat and never will be
unless you include a locked journal, then pardon my weakness of writing stuff down
it's my hobby, was supposed to be my profession
it's usually my MOUTH that gets me into trouble
but I guess it was my writing this time.

You backstabbed me too
the words
the things you said and did
you never even defined us until apparently we broke it off
then i was the psycho fling
once you called me the pretty girlfriend
the pretty girl
your girl
Now I'm just "that psycho fling".

I told you I would never give up on you
I could wait forever for forgiveness
apparently that defines me as a psycho
I thought I was being a good friend
I thought that's how love rolled.....

Maybe I was wrong?
Maybe Ive listened to one too many love songs?
I shouldve kept it real
Eminem is realer than real right?
even your hero speaks of love
how does that flow, how does he roll?
He ain't all murder and drugs
he's kids, wife, everyday life
a song is just that
a song
he writes to make a buck
he's had good luck
it doesn;t mean everything he writes is real
even though he gives that feel
he says whats real.....just not in his life......just the world in general.

How would I like to grow up to be just like you?
If it meant one more second with you?
If it meant saving myself from stupid past mistakes throughout my life
If it meant saving myself from so much heartbreak
If it meant saving someone from rape
then HELL YA, I wanna grow up to be just like you..... even though you are just 22, and I'm somewhat older.

I'm sure you have been through hell and back, even not meaning work
we've both been through our own hell's
I might not understand where you've been, what you've done
but haven't I been there before....before when I was there when you had to let it go
let it flow
I was there to catch you when you fell
that day anyhow
I would catch you every time, every day, anyway I could........ you know I would.....at least I hope you do.

I was going to leave it all, risk it all, be on my own again
just so you could be mine
just so we could be lovers in the night, in MY bed.


Your reason's why we couldn't be don't flow with me
they are just lines you feed when you don't want to feel
I know you've been hurt not long ago
I understand you need your time to heal
I was willing to wait, wait as long as you needed
cause you know, you should know, that's how GOOD friends roll, how my love rolls.

Now Im blind
I know not what of you
I hope you are okay
you know me
i worry too much not to come make sure
did you really leave?
Will I ever know?
Where are you?
How are you?
are you still alive?
Will I ever know?
Did you really leave? or just said that so I would never show up?

I must end this sonet, this letter, this rant?

I hope you know all these words are real, it's how I feel, it's me, the REAL me, how I roll,

how my heart and love flow.....

you know me, where I am, my digits, where I can be found, I've leaped n leaped over again, getting hurt each time
now It's your time to leap and trust that I will be there to catch you, cause I will, I hope you know.

I am really worried about you, no one online has heard from you in days,
I should call but have you changed it? would you even take my call?
I might try later today, if nothing else answer and tell me your alright
if nothing else CALL ME and tell me you're alright
Don't keep me worrying to the point I come looking for you.....
cause you know I will.....
I will until I know you're alright.

Call that psycho
Call me psycho
Call me whatever

I just want to know you're alive
that you're alright
that you didn't die during the night.

If nothing else......

Hey
it's been a minute since i've posted here in my treatment blog. Just want to know that I've been a busy bee doing all kinds of service work here in the hab.
They got me washing dish's, and it seems like my treatment revolves around the kitchen. The good thing about that is ALL THE FOOD I WANT!!! and it's a good thing to get on the kitchen managers good side .
Seriously I need to start working out, I've gained about 15lbs here. Cleaning my plate after every meal feels good. The food here is off the chain, and since I'm a dish washer I get to eat before everyone, and get first dibs on seconds.
This morning we had pancakes! They were all nice and fluffy :D.
Just been doing the treatment thing, I found out that I'm going to be doing the 90 day treatment, while most are doing 30 days. Thats a good thing because I don't really know any life skills to be on my own, and need to learn how to live in sobriety.
I made a list of all the things I need help in in, like my self esteem, pride, alcoholism and addiction, and much more. Hopefully my counselor will have a treatment plan set up for me on monday.
This was my first New Years in a program, and sober. It felt good!
Nothing exciting is going on today, just mainly kitchen work. I can jam out and wash dish's. My helpers are all pissed that they have to wash dish's because they got in trouble and were had to wash dishs. Me I get $60 this week for washing, so it all works out. I like kitchen work, it's peaceful and I don't have to deal with the other clients/people.
good shit
-Drew

You wake up each morning and have no idea what day it is.

Just got back from a marathon meeting and I really didn't want to hang and talk to anyone. So of course I got pulled aside by tons of the women in the rooms.
Kinda makes me annoyed when they are right about everything, damn it how can they see these things and I never can?! WTF
They took the time to give me a glimmer of hope, that I hope I don't squish by the end of the night.

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. Things of note have been happening, but nothing that I'd like to talk about right now. If I have some more time tomorrow I might discuss some actual events.

But, what I would like to talk about is a crazy dream that I had last night. It started off (or at least the part that I can recall did) by entertaining some really old Dutch women, who were supposed to be distant relations, in my Grandmother's house. But for some reason I had two swords, one shorter (and duller) stabbing blade, and a longer kitana-like slicing blade. While I was serving tea and pickled herring.

Then for some reason I stepped outside my Grandmother's old suburban house into the middle of a downtown, where I was being chased by a series of ninja type assailants but who were dressed like East India Company hotshots. An odd dream battle/chase ensued, with scene changes from urban to high-seas to arctic and finally surrendering to a nameless futuristic monarch. At which point I took my stabbing sword and killed the person that brought me in, and then committed seppuku with my other sword. The weird thing was that I could feel the sword going in, but it didn't hurt at all, and I didn't wake up. I could feel time slow as I slid down the sword, feel my life's blood slip out of me, and the cold concrete floor on my cheek as I collapsed.

Then my alarm went off. I'm trying to chalk this dream up as a good thing, as I'm trying to increase my dream recall as a first step toward getting back into lucid dreaming, but the seppuku thing was messed up. And I've been feeling off all day as a result.

So now I'm debating as to whether or not I want to drink before bed so that I won't remember my dreams tonight, or actually try for lucidity. I think that I may have been close last night, but I've been lax with my reality checks. I'll probably just drink.

tonight i wish:

1: i had a 7-8 bag work filled with powder
2: i had never opened my mouth about how i was feeling
3: that my email hadn't fucked up, making me lose all my writing
4: that i was in bed next to..well you know who you are

i'm glad i don't have my blade tonight, i'd be a bloody mess.
by the way i didn't mean those things as trying to control you or anything of that nature, you know who you are and i'm sorry

Hi there everyone! I'm just learning the ropes here, not a big forum fan (but this one seems very easy to navigate and find information on) but I thought I would give this one a try.

I keep a regular "life in the trenches" blog called The Mad White Woman as well as a Blog Design blog called Starlite Web Designs (which I have been sorely neglecting LOL).

Stop by and say "hi" if you want! I won't bite...much!

So, I started out the morning early in order to get out to the Welfare Office to he;p a dude out that had relapsed and came back. I knew him from before and I wanted to give him a hand. His girl had just left and he asked if he could walk with me to stay clean.

Our plan was to go to the Welfare Office, swing by his dentists, drop off a prescription to get filled, pick up his girl who wanted to come home and pick up some job applications.

My alarm clock went off and about 2 minutes later my phone rang. My upstairs neighbor told me she needed to go to the hospital. I left immediately, dropped her off at the hospital for whatever petty symptom she was complaining about. After that I dropped her husband off to Drug Court.

I then picked up the dude had relapsed. Well, we ran all our errands and on the way home shit got fucked up. We went to the pharmacy and he had his girlfriend run in to pick up his prescription. It was taking a while for her to come back out. Dude then said that he was going to the grocery store next door for a second and wanted me to pick him up there after his girl came out of the store.

Ummmmmmm, dude didn't have any money so what does he need at the grocery store? He came back shortly and then went into the pharmacy to see what was taking his girl so long.

Check this part out... I see two police cars pull up to the paharmacy. They walk in but stare at me sitting in the car.

Dude's girl comes out of the pharmacy and he follows. He hops in the car and says 'Go, go, go!'

FUCK THAT!

I stayed exactly where I was. The police came out, asked him to step out of the car and they handcuff him. They go through his girl's pockets and take him around the corner out of site.

To make this short, dude had a prescription for 15 Vicodins. HE FUCKIN' WROTE 35 OVER THE 15 so that he could get 20 more. Stupid motherfucker.

Anyway, everyone in the car was questioned, they checked for warrants and asked me to step out of the car.

The cop was a dickhead to me but I was pretty calm. He said that if dude got in the car that I would be facing charges as well.

I got a lecture on hanging out with drug addicts and the cop is gonna send me a ticket for having a kid in the car without being in a car seat.

I was tryin' to help this dude out and he 'dope-fiended' me. I thought he respected me more than that than to drag me into his drug seeking bullshit.

Fuck him! I was ALWAYS there for him and he fucked me over. He's facing time now (don't know how much). Apparently he was released from prison early last time and is on probation so, now they may add the time that he didn't serve onto this new sentence.

I always thought he acted kinda odd. Most of us do when we start comin' around NA. I should have listened to my instincts.

Lesson learned. The motherfucker disrespected me. He placed my future career as an EMT in danger, he intended to bring drugs in my car and he put me in a spot where I could have gotten locked up for just 'helping out'.

I gotta be more aware and not automatically assume that EVERYONE in NA is looking to recover.

This is probably written poorly but I'm exhausted, a little stressed and betrayed at the moment so... I dunno

After several days of no sleep, little food, and a major relapse on meth, I went into a psychosis last night and had several cop cars show up... apparently they thought I was armed or something. Got handcuffed and taken downtown before being transferred to the emergency department at hospital for an anti-psychotic and some fluids, since I'd gotten so dehydrated. Back home now. I'm not sure if I'll be facing any further charges as I hid everything incriminating when I saw the cops pull up outside. But still, 2 incidents with the cops within one week ain't good.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love - for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. - Max Ehrmann

Awhile back after I crashed my old blazer, my mom got me a Honda Civic that her friend sold her very cheap because she knew about a lot of the shit that I've been going through. Well it's been sitting in the driveway for about two months now because no one has been able to take the time and teach me how to drive a stick shift. Then finally winter break comes and my grandpa says that he will teach me while he is on break. First week goes by...still haven't drove. Then today we start driving finally for the first time, but it's short lived.

Before I can even get a grasp on driving Andrew calls and is coming over so they can put some mud flaps on his car. Fucking wonderful, grandpa reassures me that it will only be a minute then we will drive around because he has to run some errands anyway. While, an hour goes by then he tells me they are going to put some other shit on his truck too so that will take another hour. Then I guess they had the wrong size so they went to exchange it for the right size and got the wrong size again, and now I'm here waiting again for them to get back and still put whatever the fuck it is on his truck.

I'm just pissed off after how Andrew already ruined my Xmas when he caught me "kicking up dirt" then to top if off, he didn't even say thank you for the mud flaps I pitched on that he is currently putting on his truck now (might i add). He knows he is taking from my driving time but don't care.

I was looking at an online headshop earlier this evening and noticed that they sell 60x salvia divinorum. Needless to say, I'm tempted to buy it, even though it will probably end in disaster (last time I tried 15x salvia, without a trip sitter, I ended up wandering into a local forest park, feeling utterly dissociated and freaking out over all the weird visuals I was having).

You'd think I'd try a lower strength version after that mishap, but no. I'm gonna grab the most potent one available! :D