damn this little habit of mine is getting out of control. not out of control compared to some peoples habits but for me and my life, it is. i still live with my mom and step dad. i'm using everyday and now its been at about 2-3 bags/day.
today i had 2 left. i told myself i would ration them out and slowly taper. i didn't want to get more dope this weekend. i ended up doing both before 3:00 today and went to work. i acquired 3 xan bars for my kick is sure to follow tomorrow.
before i left work i had already set up a meet to pick up another bun after work. so much for stopping right? i figured since i already got the xan i will still use them to kick. then just hold on to the dope again sometime next week once my mind clears up a little bit and i get back on track with my mom.
came home after picking up and tore open another bag. why the fuck can't i ever stick to what i tell myself i will do? why do i set up these bullshit rules if they are never followed? i guess its just my fucked up logic to trick myself into getting deeper into addiction. i also ate 1/4 of my bar and i'm not even kicking yet.
it hit me yesterday how fucked up the whole situation is. i did a bag and smoked 2 blunts of some danks(yesterday) and i started thinking about my use.
how the past few months(of using) have flown the fuck by and i can't recall much of it.
it hit me like a ton of bricks that i've been lying and stealing to everyone that loves me and no body knows what is really going on with me.
my paycheck that i work daily to receive is also nearly gone within days, spent on dope, weed, and shitty newports that are going to kill me probably before this dope habit that i never knew i was starting.
the funny part is that i now have more friends than i ever did and the semester i just finished in college was the best grades i have gotten yet and its my first one using.
i was able to keep my 1 bag a day habit successfully under control without anyone knowing but its becoming more and more noticeable. my mom might know already because she walked into my room and put something on my desk the other day when i had 3 bags sitting right on my computer. i pray to the god that i don't believe in that she doesn't know what a stamp bag looks like.
i'm starting to get paranoid about a lot of shit and am scared how long i'm going to let this lying and cheating go on for. we'll see how tomorrow goes and i'm hoping that i can get it through this weekend with out snorting any more diesel.
today i had 2 left. i told myself i would ration them out and slowly taper. i didn't want to get more dope this weekend. i ended up doing both before 3:00 today and went to work. i acquired 3 xan bars for my kick is sure to follow tomorrow.
before i left work i had already set up a meet to pick up another bun after work. so much for stopping right? i figured since i already got the xan i will still use them to kick. then just hold on to the dope again sometime next week once my mind clears up a little bit and i get back on track with my mom.
came home after picking up and tore open another bag. why the fuck can't i ever stick to what i tell myself i will do? why do i set up these bullshit rules if they are never followed? i guess its just my fucked up logic to trick myself into getting deeper into addiction. i also ate 1/4 of my bar and i'm not even kicking yet.
it hit me yesterday how fucked up the whole situation is. i did a bag and smoked 2 blunts of some danks(yesterday) and i started thinking about my use.
how the past few months(of using) have flown the fuck by and i can't recall much of it.
it hit me like a ton of bricks that i've been lying and stealing to everyone that loves me and no body knows what is really going on with me.
my paycheck that i work daily to receive is also nearly gone within days, spent on dope, weed, and shitty newports that are going to kill me probably before this dope habit that i never knew i was starting.
the funny part is that i now have more friends than i ever did and the semester i just finished in college was the best grades i have gotten yet and its my first one using.
i was able to keep my 1 bag a day habit successfully under control without anyone knowing but its becoming more and more noticeable. my mom might know already because she walked into my room and put something on my desk the other day when i had 3 bags sitting right on my computer. i pray to the god that i don't believe in that she doesn't know what a stamp bag looks like.
i'm starting to get paranoid about a lot of shit and am scared how long i'm going to let this lying and cheating go on for. we'll see how tomorrow goes and i'm hoping that i can get it through this weekend with out snorting any more diesel.
