Am I ashamed to say it? Yes, and no. You lose your sense of pride, shame, and ego, all at once. Your definition of the world is turned upside down and backwards. If you're lucky you only lose everything except your clothing.
"Shelters" don't keep you 'sheltered', they keep you dry, warm if you're lucky, and fed.
I'm definitely not the same person I used to be. I have slept in my car in 14 degree weather, waking up with nearly frostbitten extremities, only because I'm stubborn like my gma and don't want to wake up to the manager of the 24hr laundromat asking why you're here, and telling you to get the fuck out. But a car is a luxury. Mine just died. A car is a portable suitcase, a place to sleep, a safe haven. Now you just have you and what's on your back.
I have been positive, but still downright hopeless at the same time. I swing between the two. The world becomes a cruel, sick place. You are the scum of the earth. No one wants to give you a job, cause you have no address. I refuse to endanger my life in order to have a warm place to sleep. Therefore I have turned down most offers to sleep at a random stranger's house, and even non random strangers, even friends. I was just kicked out of a shelter, cause they were more worried about the "you can't come back for 30 days" rule than making a person sleep in the cold. My friend's house who I could have slept at...well he's a fucking dumbass and has enemies that want to shoot up his house now, so that's out.
Everyone around you is seemingly crazy. You begin to wonder if you'll end up like that in a few months. You learn to control your emotions real fucking fast, learn to be numb, learn to take stress and stuff it deep, or throw it away. If you don't handle your emotions, they WILL get the best of you and you'll end up in a hospital or wandering around delusional and frostbitten. I'd rather have my freedom of my mind and body than that.
Clothing is more important than ever. If you're lucky you become numb to the cold. You MUST become more independent than ever in order to survive. If you don't you end up dead, raped, jumped, or fucked in other numerous ways. I have gone from crying wolf too often, to being hesitant to even ask for help. It's every man for themselves out here. You become paranoid at everyone's motives.
Food? Well you eat whatever you can, even if it's a stale piece of bread with no butter. Don't take it for granted anymore. Food feeds both your body and soull. You learn how to build a fire reaaaalll fuckin fast. You learn how to lie, when asked by a store owner why you're loitering for so long. You learn to lie when asked where you live. You never admit to having money, cause if you have any, you're bound to get mugged or taken advantage of. You sleep when you can. You're running blind and scared. Can you stay positive? Yes, I try to, cause its the only thing I have left. Will it end? Yeah. Eventually. But you're never the same again. You realize how lucky you are. Bitter? Yeah, you get bitter. It's hard not to be. You get hard.
When given the chance to go back to "normal" society, it will be a culture shock. We've seen shit we never bargained for, done things we knew better of, risked everything when we had nothing, lived in places that normal people turn their nose up at, found the true meaning of a being lucky, taken nothing for granted....
"Shelters" don't keep you 'sheltered', they keep you dry, warm if you're lucky, and fed.
I'm definitely not the same person I used to be. I have slept in my car in 14 degree weather, waking up with nearly frostbitten extremities, only because I'm stubborn like my gma and don't want to wake up to the manager of the 24hr laundromat asking why you're here, and telling you to get the fuck out. But a car is a luxury. Mine just died. A car is a portable suitcase, a place to sleep, a safe haven. Now you just have you and what's on your back.
I have been positive, but still downright hopeless at the same time. I swing between the two. The world becomes a cruel, sick place. You are the scum of the earth. No one wants to give you a job, cause you have no address. I refuse to endanger my life in order to have a warm place to sleep. Therefore I have turned down most offers to sleep at a random stranger's house, and even non random strangers, even friends. I was just kicked out of a shelter, cause they were more worried about the "you can't come back for 30 days" rule than making a person sleep in the cold. My friend's house who I could have slept at...well he's a fucking dumbass and has enemies that want to shoot up his house now, so that's out.
Everyone around you is seemingly crazy. You begin to wonder if you'll end up like that in a few months. You learn to control your emotions real fucking fast, learn to be numb, learn to take stress and stuff it deep, or throw it away. If you don't handle your emotions, they WILL get the best of you and you'll end up in a hospital or wandering around delusional and frostbitten. I'd rather have my freedom of my mind and body than that.
Clothing is more important than ever. If you're lucky you become numb to the cold. You MUST become more independent than ever in order to survive. If you don't you end up dead, raped, jumped, or fucked in other numerous ways. I have gone from crying wolf too often, to being hesitant to even ask for help. It's every man for themselves out here. You become paranoid at everyone's motives.
Food? Well you eat whatever you can, even if it's a stale piece of bread with no butter. Don't take it for granted anymore. Food feeds both your body and soull. You learn how to build a fire reaaaalll fuckin fast. You learn how to lie, when asked by a store owner why you're loitering for so long. You learn to lie when asked where you live. You never admit to having money, cause if you have any, you're bound to get mugged or taken advantage of. You sleep when you can. You're running blind and scared. Can you stay positive? Yes, I try to, cause its the only thing I have left. Will it end? Yeah. Eventually. But you're never the same again. You realize how lucky you are. Bitter? Yeah, you get bitter. It's hard not to be. You get hard.
When given the chance to go back to "normal" society, it will be a culture shock. We've seen shit we never bargained for, done things we knew better of, risked everything when we had nothing, lived in places that normal people turn their nose up at, found the true meaning of a being lucky, taken nothing for granted....