Not sure what's going on with me anymore. Sigh. I feel with drugs, I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't. If I do them, all I can do anymore is stay in my room, but I don't feel
the glorious highs UNLESS it's a damn work night. Otherwise, I just feel "normal" with
appetite control, that's good. Still, it's like I'm stuck in a fear paralysis again. I don't
WANT to do anything other than go to work, sleep, come home. On my nights off, I don't
go anywhere or do anything. Mom keeps bugging me about money, I've given up ever
satisfying her. I could not in good conscience leave for the $250/mo room for rent, then
NOT pay her. She had asked me not to, so I pay the fucking credit union bill that she
charged $1000....& I find out the bill is $165/mo, not $200. Whatever.
I feel trapped. I just want her to leave me alone. The ONLY way I'm going to be able to
EVER get ahead or catch my breath financially, is to cut out having to pay Sam. The
chronic fatigue will suck horrifically if I just stop speed. Maybe I should just do it anyway,
quit for a week, see what happens. Often times I take Monday's off from Mr. Prick because
I get to sleep, so that works for me. Oh whatever. Times running out for me. I really
DON'T want to look for and find another job now. I HATE all the application bullshit,
doing the resume all over, not to mention the cocksucking background checks you can't
get away from. I have no felonies or misdemeaners, but they will find out I had drug
charges against me that were dropped & frankly, I don't feel like explaining myself or
fuck all to anyone.
Someday, Mom's right I'll probably have to do something cause the company pays shit
wages & they do irritating shit like make me drive all the bum fuck way to South Orange
County for some stupid company test & every July I will have to go down there in person
for my dumb reviews that are excellent but never give raises. Mom is all pissy cause
"I'm not paying any rent" as she keeps rubbing in my face. The $230/mo she doesn't count
because it goes to the stupid credit card bill & I'm getting steamed so whatever. If she would give
me a damn break & either lend me the $ for another used car, which I'm not asking for, or take the
lousy $230 & quit nagging...hell I'm still gona take forever to save enough money for a damn car
as long as I have to pay Sam, so actually, I'm back to the fuck it's again & the damn chronic fatigue.
How the hell am I supposed to work at some new dumb fuck job or work more hours with this stupid
debilitating disease?
I rarely have motivation to do anything anymore. I've got the Welbutrin Erik sent, but it says not to
take if you've got kidney damage goin on & you're NOT supposed to take it with speed or it can
cause heart attack. My friend Debbie didn't believe me when I told her she can't take anti depressants or MAIO inhibitors with meth. I wasn't a bit surprised, when I heard 5 years later she had
valves replaced & 3 heart attacks. Still need to check with online doc I guess. I can't tell my REAL doctor about the meth because then by law she'd be ethically & legally bound to stop my migraine
medications. I just want this crappy feeling, this fear to end.
the glorious highs UNLESS it's a damn work night. Otherwise, I just feel "normal" with
appetite control, that's good. Still, it's like I'm stuck in a fear paralysis again. I don't
WANT to do anything other than go to work, sleep, come home. On my nights off, I don't
go anywhere or do anything. Mom keeps bugging me about money, I've given up ever
satisfying her. I could not in good conscience leave for the $250/mo room for rent, then
NOT pay her. She had asked me not to, so I pay the fucking credit union bill that she
charged $1000....& I find out the bill is $165/mo, not $200. Whatever.
I feel trapped. I just want her to leave me alone. The ONLY way I'm going to be able to
EVER get ahead or catch my breath financially, is to cut out having to pay Sam. The
chronic fatigue will suck horrifically if I just stop speed. Maybe I should just do it anyway,
quit for a week, see what happens. Often times I take Monday's off from Mr. Prick because
I get to sleep, so that works for me. Oh whatever. Times running out for me. I really
DON'T want to look for and find another job now. I HATE all the application bullshit,
doing the resume all over, not to mention the cocksucking background checks you can't
get away from. I have no felonies or misdemeaners, but they will find out I had drug
charges against me that were dropped & frankly, I don't feel like explaining myself or
fuck all to anyone.
Someday, Mom's right I'll probably have to do something cause the company pays shit
wages & they do irritating shit like make me drive all the bum fuck way to South Orange
County for some stupid company test & every July I will have to go down there in person
for my dumb reviews that are excellent but never give raises. Mom is all pissy cause
"I'm not paying any rent" as she keeps rubbing in my face. The $230/mo she doesn't count
because it goes to the stupid credit card bill & I'm getting steamed so whatever. If she would give
me a damn break & either lend me the $ for another used car, which I'm not asking for, or take the
lousy $230 & quit nagging...hell I'm still gona take forever to save enough money for a damn car
as long as I have to pay Sam, so actually, I'm back to the fuck it's again & the damn chronic fatigue.
How the hell am I supposed to work at some new dumb fuck job or work more hours with this stupid
debilitating disease?
I rarely have motivation to do anything anymore. I've got the Welbutrin Erik sent, but it says not to
take if you've got kidney damage goin on & you're NOT supposed to take it with speed or it can
cause heart attack. My friend Debbie didn't believe me when I told her she can't take anti depressants or MAIO inhibitors with meth. I wasn't a bit surprised, when I heard 5 years later she had
valves replaced & 3 heart attacks. Still need to check with online doc I guess. I can't tell my REAL doctor about the meth because then by law she'd be ethically & legally bound to stop my migraine
medications. I just want this crappy feeling, this fear to end.