Do I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
03/25/10 12:52 PM
Okay, a two part question using present and past tense in a confusing manner causes me to question how well thought out the question was. Did someone just shit this question out quickly? It IS a valid question but, c’mon...
Anyway, no I do not take drugs or act out on my addiction anymore. I haven’t taken drugs in 215 days.
I enjoy the feelings I have nowadays. Yeah, some don’t feel all that good but in the back of my head I know that they won’t be felt forever and that I can learn from them. Many times when I catch a feeling that I don’t like I see it as a learning opportunity as well a step toward growth.
Back in the day, when I was using, I absolutely tried to change and suppress my feelings. As to what I was trying to change or suppress... well... I’ll need to give this some legitimate thought in order to accurately pinpoint everything.
The second part of this question seems critical to me. Another opportunity to look at myself on a deeper level and to gain knowledge as to WHY I was doing the things I was doing.
03/27/10 12:22 PM
What was I trying to change or suppress? I’ve been thinking on this question off and on for the past couple of days and its difficult to answer for some reason. I KNOW I was trying to avoid feelings but WHAT feelings?
I know I didn’t like how the world was and how I seemed to not fit into it very well. Sure, I could put that chameleon’s skin on and carry on as other’s did when I was clean before but it didn’t feel right. When I was using I didn’t face anything at all. I left the house only for work or to go get my shit.
The longer I withdrew more responsibilities and realities piled up and they seemed too large to tackle. So I kept putting them off and withdrew into my high, complacent little world.
I know that I was a pussy concerning emotional pain and being high helped me become more tolerant to that pain. I was (and still am) an insecure dude who found comfort in running from himself and initiating false feelings and moods.
I was embarrassed to allow others to see me. The disappointed looks on my family’s faces, the concern of my friends. I was kinda full of shame. I KNEW I could do well in life and recognized that I definitely wasn’t meeting my potential or coming anywhere close to becoming the person I was supposed to be.
03/25/10 12:52 PM
Okay, a two part question using present and past tense in a confusing manner causes me to question how well thought out the question was. Did someone just shit this question out quickly? It IS a valid question but, c’mon...
Anyway, no I do not take drugs or act out on my addiction anymore. I haven’t taken drugs in 215 days.
I enjoy the feelings I have nowadays. Yeah, some don’t feel all that good but in the back of my head I know that they won’t be felt forever and that I can learn from them. Many times when I catch a feeling that I don’t like I see it as a learning opportunity as well a step toward growth.
Back in the day, when I was using, I absolutely tried to change and suppress my feelings. As to what I was trying to change or suppress... well... I’ll need to give this some legitimate thought in order to accurately pinpoint everything.
The second part of this question seems critical to me. Another opportunity to look at myself on a deeper level and to gain knowledge as to WHY I was doing the things I was doing.
03/27/10 12:22 PM
What was I trying to change or suppress? I’ve been thinking on this question off and on for the past couple of days and its difficult to answer for some reason. I KNOW I was trying to avoid feelings but WHAT feelings?
I know I didn’t like how the world was and how I seemed to not fit into it very well. Sure, I could put that chameleon’s skin on and carry on as other’s did when I was clean before but it didn’t feel right. When I was using I didn’t face anything at all. I left the house only for work or to go get my shit.
The longer I withdrew more responsibilities and realities piled up and they seemed too large to tackle. So I kept putting them off and withdrew into my high, complacent little world.
I know that I was a pussy concerning emotional pain and being high helped me become more tolerant to that pain. I was (and still am) an insecure dude who found comfort in running from himself and initiating false feelings and moods.
I was embarrassed to allow others to see me. The disappointed looks on my family’s faces, the concern of my friends. I was kinda full of shame. I KNEW I could do well in life and recognized that I definitely wasn’t meeting my potential or coming anywhere close to becoming the person I was supposed to be.