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Monday July 12th 2010 10:00 am

Legit done. I cant do this shit no more. My mind is all fucked up. I dunno what the fuck is wrong wit me, but if something doesn’t change soon ima fuckin leave this place. Seriously I don’t know what happened but I spiraled downward for the worst… again. Huh, who woulda guessed, me, taking a turn for the worst. Im obviously doomed to live this cycle over and over again no matter what good or bad is goin on in my life.

I feel alone. Like completely and utterly alone. I have no one to talk to, to tell about any of this shit. My BF doesn’t wanna hear it, which I can understand. I didn’t realize that I told him so much when we first got together, n now somehow I have to change it. I cant tell him anymore, he obviously knows way more than he ever wanted to.

I don’t sleep, I don’t sleep, I don’t do anything. If I stop doin my homework, or whatever the fuck else im doing, my mind becomes consumed with blackness. I cant get away from it. I am stressed the fuck out, like to the fuckin max. Im at a point right now where I don’t know what is up n what is down. I wanna legit crawl into a hole and die. Im never gonna be that normal girl, its jus not in the cards for me. Im doomed to b the depressed lil fuck up that ive always been. No matter how hard I fight to become something better, my thoughts will always get the best of me. This is me, its who I am.

My BF deserves better, he deserves someone with a good head on their shoulders. I mean look at us: My BF, in the army, has a career, has a car, a job, and a future. He has stress in his life, but its all stuff that he can handle, not saying my shit is worse by any means, but he knows how to handle shit… Me, im fuckin 23 yr old with no where to call home. No one wants me around, im jus a piece of shit that somehow always ends up getting by. I work at the fuckin mall and I cant even handle that. School is kickin my fuckin ass and I cant keep up. I cant even find the time, or the energy to clean the fish tanks or clean the house. I have this horrible addictive personality that is never gonna change. Its me, its who I am. I get stressed and try to run from it rather than jus deal wit it.

I think My BF hates me deep down, but jus doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to me. H With me in his life he is doomed to live a life where he isn’t ever truly happy. I gotta get away from him for his sake, I fuckin love him so much to the point that it hurts. Loving him the way I do, I cant possibly stay wit him. He fuckin deserves better. I gotta find a way to leave. He doesn’t want me to, but I know its jus cuz hes scared for me. I mean fuck that’s what he told me. Legit I don’t know what to do. I wanna tell him I have somewhere to go and tht ill b fine, but its not the truth. I have no where to go, I have no one, escept him.

But he doesn’t want me, and I don’t blame him, hes right, ima fuckin psycho. I cant fight these urges anymore. I wanna jus, I dunno, I wanna feel something. Im sick of this empty feeling inside me. Im sick of hiding everything from the world. Im sick of this pretend smile on my face. I wanna cut the bull shit out, literally. I cant be here anymore, here being anywhere. I wanna legit run away as fast and as far as I can. I wanna stop hurting everyone around me. I wanna just die. I cant fuckin do it anymore.

Im out, wit lke 8 days, I prob wont b able to handle it. Ima take it out on My BF, I know I will. Ima try so hard not to, but its inevitable. Why do I do thid? Why do u I hurt the onle person I have in my life? Why cant I just be happy wit what I got? So what if he doesn’t wanna hear me, I wouldn’t wanna either. The poor guy is tryina picture me to b as normal as he possibly can, and then I come out wit some stupid psycho babble bull shit.

Bottom line, I gotts either put a straight face on n wealk into this shit looking happy, or I need to bow out gracefully and let him move on. I cant b that sad pathetic lil girl anymore. I so jus want ppl to look at me n see someone normal, n no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I mean I wear it on my sleeves, literally. My scarlet letter is these fuckin scars. I can never hide from them. WTF was I thinking all those years? Y didn’t I think of the futire? O that’s right, I didn’t think there would b one. So now im stuck, stuck wit these literal scars to remind me everyday of the past. He says to leave the past in the poast, but how do I do that when I have to look at it everyday. I remember just about every scar, when I did it, where I was, and why I did it. How do u jus leave that in the past? People stare at me, sometimes they ask questions. The guy at DD yesterday asked me what happened. I cant stand that.

Im afraid of everything, legit everything. I cant b near ppl cuz ill have a panic attack, I cant b alone cuz ill do something stupid. Nothing works, nothing will ever work. Im doomed. Life suks then you die. I wish the second part would either hurry up and come, or for me to not look forward to it so much.

The other week wit thast fuckin heart attack, I thought it was the end, I was so scared, but at the same tme I was excited. Yea, fucked I no. He asked y I didn’t jus call 911. Well the truth, I wanted to see what would happen. I was scared yes, and wanted his help, but I knew in my mind he wasn’t comin here. I atleast wanted to feel like I reached out. It wouldn’t have been his fault by any means, but all mine. Who wouldn’t jus call 911? Me that’s who. I wanted to see if I could really jus let myself die. They say that upper death is the worst that u can have, not like downs, but wit up u will feel everything and know exactly what is coming. I wanted to feel it. I was ready. Im so fucked.

On the other hand, I didn’t want any of that. I want to get better and kick all this shit. I want to live a fuckin normal life. I want to go to the movies wit my love, I want to go to sleep next to him, and wakr up next to him. I miss the nights where he would b half asleep n tell me he loves me. God I miss him so much. WTF did I do? Y do I always ruin everything? Nothing will ever b the same. Hes done wit me, its basically jus a waiting game now. Im waiting to see when he leaves me.

Legit, without him I am nothing. If he leaves me im doomed. I no exactly what will happen. I will go to some motel for a few days, then realize I cant afford it. Ill leave there and begin wandering again, jus like the old days. Ill get caught up in some bull shit, like usual, and beofer I no it, it’s a year later and im either married to some weirdo, addicted to something, homeless on the streets, or god forbid a whore or something. Legit, its my calling. My life has alwayd been doomed. My destiny is to be another statistic.

I will end up alone and I will die alone. Its how it was meant to be. I need to jus stop fighting it and let the future become the present.

That’s it, Im fuckin done, Ima go try to salvage what little I have left. Lets see how this shit works.

8 mutha fuckin days. Can I do it? Lol let’s see me demonstrate will power, guaranteed ill be freakin by the the end of the day.

Saturday 10 Jul 2010.


My gf is at the Oregon Country Fair for the weekend, and I am stayin ghome baby-sitting her cat who was recently mauled by a dog.

Eloise cat's condition continues to improve. Her wounds aren't leaking any more, but they are still open. I'm cleaning them once a day. She's still on antibiotics and kitty morphine. Her mood is better too. Today, she was walking about and socializing with the other cat and with me. Now, she's bathing herself on the bar in the "Tiki" themed room (it came with the house) in the basement.

Oregon Country Fair. I went last year. Expensive to get in for what it is. It is not what I had expectede ti to be. I was told that it was a kind of non-commercialized hippie music festival, a wild grateful dead/ken kesey scene with plenty of marijuana, shrooms, and LSD. It wasn't. It was very very family oriented, crowded with aging hippy/yuppy types and children everywhere adn everyone very sober, drug-free, and expensive. I won't go again.

My gf took care of me before she left. She cooked and individually wrapped enough food to get me through the entire weekend without haveing to eat out. She spoils me.

The kratom is kicking in, and it's making me nauseous. I took several capsules of extract about 1/2 hours ago. I'm itching like a fiend. Time to lie down.

Today is Tuesday, June 29, 2010 and it is now 1033 AM here in Quezon City, Luzon, Philippines. Why Quezon City? I will get to that...eventually...like everything else...

Recap: I was discussing pro-govt. paramilitaries in Mindanao.

Though the government didn't create the BLA, it has created several IP (Indigenous Peoples) paramilitaries: LUPAKA (now defunct), Bagani Force (Warriors Force), Alamara Command (Total War Command) and BDFs (Barangay Defense Forces), the spelling as such since the Filipinos have opted to use American spelling for their English, English being an official language here.

These paras come under an umbrella known as "Task Force Gantangan." TF Gantangan is under a protocol known as "OPLAN Alsa Lumad" (Operational Plan Hilltribes Rise). OPLAN AL is in turn a subsidiary protocol od "OPLAN Bantay Laya II," (Operational Plan Guarding Freedom II) which is itself formulated under the military's NISP-IP (National Internal Security Plan-Indigenous Peoples).

OPLAN BL II is the nationwide military strategy to deal with the Maoist Insurgency. I have to add that many things I am talking about can get me into serious hotwater but I have this curious tic, always playing the odds, go figure.

Bantay Laya II began in the beginning of 2007, and was just beginning to roll when I moved to Mindanao.

The NPA (New People's Army) is the military wing of the CPP (Communist Party of the Philippines) and both are represented in dialogue by the NDF (National Democratic Front). All of them are the handwork of "JOMA," Jose Maria Sison, an ex UP (University of the Ph.) Professor currently in self-imposed exile in the Netherlands with the vanguard of the movement's leadership.

JOMA copped Mao's "Little Red Book' almost word for word, the same 3 Phases of Struggle, yada, yada. Anyone who cares can basicallly juxtapose Maoism Proper and it is going to be a 95% fit.

The date cited for the beginning of their "armed struggle" is 1969 but really is 1971, when Marcos declared Martial Law. 40 years later and they are the longest running insurgency in all of Asia, maybe the world. To put this in perspective, JOMA, their chief ideologue as well as founder, insists that they are but in the middle of their Phase I. There are, as I said, 3 Phases!

Though found in many parts of the country they are not a military threat, except on Mindanao where they control vast areas of the island, collect taxes, mete justice, run Checkpoints and so forth.

The paras are meant to help deal with this.

When I first came to this nation, in 1984, the NPA was at its apex. It was a nationwide threat and on Mindanao fielded batallion sized forces (700 to 1000 fighters), even routing the AFP (Ph Army) in head to head battle. But then they stalled.

JOMA had been arrested by Marcos in 1977 and from then until his release in 1984 (with the fall of Marcos) his movement expanded exponentially and outgrew its ideology.

The Manila and Negros factions of the party, operating primarily in urban environments gravitated towards orthadox Marxism-Leninism. In a nutshell, where as Maosim is a movement of rural peasents Leninism is a movment of urban workers, factoryhands and service people.

JOMA got out in 1984 and moved quickly yo crush this dissent, which translated into mass executions Khmer Rouge style, beaten to death with tree limbs to save bullets, etc.

Leninist ideologues would not be put off though, and the Manila and Negros factioned formed a Leninist movement of their own. Their armed wing is worth mentioning, ABB, Alex Boncayo Brigade.

ABB was fond of assasinating in urban settings, killing more than 100 police officers in 4 months at 1 point but gained most reknown for killing a CIA station chief in Manila, and Col Rowe, US pointman on COIN (Counterinsurgency).

Eventually a faction in Mindanao oriented towards that same Leninist ideology broke off as well as formed the RPM-M (Revolutionary Proletariat Movement of Mindanao).

RPM-M's armed wing made a name for itself though most killings by the Leninists resulted from communal warfare with the Maoists.

While the Manila-Negros organisation petered out, the RPM-M finished a drawn out peace process in 2007, shortly after I arrived after moving. They never disarmed but were never really a formidable threat to begin with.

The NPA, from 40,000 guerillas in 1986 are down to 5000, with 3500 on Mindanao. 3500 men with M16s and Claymore landmines can still do damage as the 2 Divisions fighting them would tell you.

In addition to 3500 Regulars (full time fighters living in the bush) there perhaps 10,000 Irregulars on Mindanao as well. Milisya ng Bayan (People's Militia) is the name of the NPA Irregular apparattus, the Maoist equivalent of CAFGU.

So, I began forming my "SS," I and 3 other landholders began holding regular meetings, coming to terms on costs, accessing, and began drawing a training outline. We decided on AR15s BUT also M16A1s. M16s would be our standard rifle, but soldiers with more than 1 year service would be elieble for an AR depending upon disciplinary record and personal review (how long in community, etc because of exceesive cost of the weapon)...

To be continued...

Monday July 12th 2010 10:00 am

Legit done. I cant do this shit no more. My mind is all fucked up. I dunno what the fuck is wrong wit me, but if something doesn’t change soon ima fuckin leave this place. Seriously I don’t know what happened but I spiraled downward for the worst… again. Huh, who woulda guessed, me, taking a turn for the worst. Im obviously doomed to live this cycle over and over again no matter what good or bad is goin on in my life.
I feel alone. Like completely and utterly alone. I have no one to talk to, to tell about any of this shit. Pierre doesn’t wanna hear it, which I can understand. I didn’t realize that I told him so much when we first got together, n now somehow I have to change it. I cant tell him anymore, he obviously knows way more than he ever wanted to.
I don’t sleep, I don’t sleep, I don’t do anything. If I stop doin my homework, or whatever the fuck else im doing, my mind becomes consumed with blackness. I cant get away from it. I am stressed the fuck out, like to the fuckin max. Im at a point right now where I don’t know what is up n what is down. I wanna legit crawl into a hole and die. Im never gonna be that normal girl, its jus not in the cards for me. Im doomed to b the depressed lil fuck up that ive always been. No matter how hard I fight to become something better, my thoughts will always get the best of me. This is me, its who I am.
Pierre deserves better, he deserves someone with a good head on their shoulders. I mean look at us: Pierre, in the army, has a career, has a car, a job, and a future. He has stress in his life, but its all stuff that he can handle, not saying my shit is worse by any means, but he knows how to handle shit… Me, im fuckin 23 yr old with no where to call home. No one wants me around, im jus a piece of shit that somehow always ends up getting by. I work at the fuckin mall and I cant even handle that. School is kickin my fuckin ass and I cant keep up. I cant even find the time, or the energy to clean the fish tanks or clean the house. I have this horrible addictive personality that is never gonna change. Its me, its who I am. I get stressed and try to run from it rather than jus deal wit it.
I think Pierre hates me deep down, but jus doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to me. H With me in his life he is doomed to live a life where he isn’t ever truly happy. I gotta get away from him for his sake, I fuckin love him so much to the point that it hurts. Loving him the way I do, I cant possibly stay wit him. He fuckin deserves better. I gotta find a way to leave. He doesn’t want me to, but I know its jus cuz hes scared for me. I mean fuck that’s what he told me. Legit I don’t know what to do. I wanna tell him I have somewhere to go and tht ill b fine, but its not the truth. I have no where to go, I have no one, escept him.
But he doesn’t want me, and I don’t blame him, hes right, ima fuckin psycho. I cant fight these urges anymore. I wanna jus, I dunno, I wanna feel something. Im sick of this empty feeling inside me. Im sick of hiding everything from the world. Im sick of this pretend smile on my face. I wanna cut the bull shit out, literally. I cant be here anymore, here being anywhere. I wanna legit run away as fast and as far as I can. I wanna stop hurting everyone around me. I wanna just die. I cant fuckin do it anymore.
Im out, wit lke 8 days, I prob wont b able to handle it. Ima take it out on Pierre, I know I will. Ima try so hard not to, but its inevitable. Why do I do thid? Why do u I hurt the onle person I have in my life? Why cant I just be happy wit what I got? So what if he doesn’t wanna hear me, I wouldn’t wanna either. The poor guy is tryina picture me to b as normal as he possibly can, and then I come out wit some stupid psycho babble bull shit.
Bottom line, I gotts either put a straight face on n wealk into this shit looking happy, or I need to bow out gracefully and let him move on. I cant b that sad pathetic lil girl anymore. I so jus want ppl to look at me n see someone normal, n no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I mean I wear it on my sleeves, literally. My scarlet letter is these fuckin scars. I can never hide from them. WTF was I thinking all those years? Y didn’t I think of the futire? O that’s right, I didn’t think there would b one. So now im stuck, stuck wit these literal scars to remind me everyday of the past. He says to leave the past in the poast, but how do I do that when I have to look at it everyday. I remember just about every scar, when I did it, where I was, and why I did it. How do u jus leave that in the past? People stare at me, sometimes they ask questions. The guy at DD yesterday asked me what happened. I cant stand that.
Im afraid of everything, legit everything. I cant b near ppl cuz ill have a panic attack, I cant b alone cuz ill do something stupid. Nothing works, nothing will ever work. Im doomed. Life suks then you die. I wish the second part would either hurry up and come, or for me to not look forwatd to it so much.
The other week wit thast fuckin heart attack, I thought it was the end, I was so scared, but at the same tme I was excited. Yea, fucked I no. He asked y I didn’t jus call 911. Well the truth, I wanted to see what would happen. I was scared yes, and wanted his help, but I knew in my mind he wasn’t comin here. I atleast wanted to feel like I reached out. It wouldn’t have been his fault by any means, but all mine. Who wouldn’t jus call 911? Me that’s who. I wanted to see if I could really jus let myself die. They say that upper death is the worst that u can have, not like downs, but wit up u will feel everything and know exactly what is coming. I wanted to feel it. I was ready. Im so fucked.
On the other hand, I didn’t want any of that. I want to get better and kick all this shit. I want to live a fuckin normal life. I want to go to the movies wit my love, I want to go to sleep next to him, and wakr up next to him. I miss the nights where he would b half asleep n tell me he loves me. God I miss him so much. WTF did I do? Y do I always ruin everything? Nothing will ever b the same. Hes done wit me, its basically jus a waiting game now. Im waiting to see when he leaves me.
Legit, without him I am nothing. If he leaves me im doomed. I no exactly what will happen. I will go to some motel for a few days, then realize I cant afford it. Ill leave there and begin wandering again, jus like the old days. Ill get caught up in some bull shit, like usual, and beofer I no it, it’s a year later and im either married to some weirdo, addicted to something, homeless on the streets, or god forbid a whore or something. Legit, its my calling. My life has alwayd been doomed. My destiny is to be another statistic.
I will end up alone and I will die alone. Its how it was meant to be. I need to jus stop fighting it and let the future become the present.
That’s it, Im fuckin done, Ima go try to salvage what little I have left. Lets see how this shit works.
8 mutha fuckin days. Can I do it? Lol lets see Kelly demonstrate will power, guaranteed ill be freakin by the the end of the day.

Today is Monday, July 12th, 2010 and it is now 934AM here in Makati, Luzon, Philippines.

Recap: Talking about Tasaday Tribesmen and how I hate seeing myself flooding the Blog roster with 3 entries in 1 day...

This Entry: So we left at about 2PM yesterday and got back to the city at around 3AM, not bad at all considering that even without the ramped up military presence in the mountains it is a 14 hour drive in dry season. Even with the moderate rains and super-heavy Army Checkpoints we made it in 11 hours, or should I say the bus did because we ended up taking a bus. Considering he stopped in every medium sized to large town on the way he must have been flying.

That of course is another danger to add to the list, accidents take place all the time. Speaking of which...

On Tuesday, the day before we left Jackie's new neighbour had an accident. I told Jackie very clearly, do not talk to anyone in your neighbourhood because you have no idea how people can be outside of the military. It is a rough world and when they hear your accent they will know you are from the South and may give you a lot of problems.

The national language is a man-made hybrid called, "Filipino" but almost entirely based on the old national language, Tagalog. The Tagalog are a tribe, rather small, native to Central and Southern Luzon, this island.

The most widely spoken language though is Bisaya, or to be exact, Cebuano, the language of Cebu. Yet there is an extreme bias up here against non-native speakers of Tagalog or Filipino. For example, if you get into a taxi and converse with the driver and he hears a Bisaya accent you can almost guarantee that your fare will be higher.

As much as it might cost a Bisaya, they still pay a lot less than any Foreigner. In Thailand they call it the "Farang Tax," or, "White Devil Tax." Here? "Kano Tax." "Kano" is the word for "American" and is found in all languages. Because of the close historical relationship, more to the point the recent relationship, Americans are the largest foreign demographic here. For some reason most want to settle in these gaudy Americanised enclaves where 95% of the almost entirely elderly population has local wives and lovers in their early 20s, or younger...colour me disgusted.

Assumptions about money...As in most poor nations one finds that having white skin here makes you a walking Dollar Bill. For example...My civilian job in New York City was as a union heavy construction labourer (Local 731 NYC, Excavators and Common Concrete). My wage, without the incentives etc, was 37 US per hour. It comes to about 1,700 Pesos per hours, more than a weeks wages for most workers here.

Now, when you tell this to a Filipino they get an instant hard-on. They see nothing but money bags. If you stop and explain to them that the average 1 Bedroom flat in the city costs 1,400 US per month plus utilities they cannot grasp the nuance. It is just too alien for them. I paid Jackie's electricity bill on Wednesday, before we left and it was all of 300 Pesos , about 6.50 US for a month. They just cannot understand the whole concept of "Cost of Living."

Regressing, her neighbour had an accident. The husband is a Jeepney driver. "Jeepneys" are WWII Era American Army jeeps that were abandoned after the war. The drive shaft is extended to 10 meters and they create what literally looks like a lowrider schoolbus, or the progeny of a US Postal Service jeep and a schoolbus if they ever fucked. They are a very affordable form of public transport.

His jeepney was parked in the compound where both Jackie and this lady's house is. The 5 year old son of the family, Rafael, was climbing over his father's Jeepney. Like many children here he was unattended and ended up sliding off the top roof, onto the ground. Using his hand to break the fall onto gravel he shattered his entire arm.

They rushed him to the hospital of course but in this country you must pay upfront or lay in the parking lot and suffer through it. The family like most here has no savings, but even if they did what can they do?

Naturally they went to Jackie, seeing a white man and thinking Jackie has a sugar daddy. Let's put it this way, as I proceed...In Mindanao any cultivated field runs the risk of attracting squatters where is you allow them, they will take over your land. I cannot count the number of thatched huts I have burbed down, all possesions included.

Now I will seem like Hitler to people reading this but that is how life is. By the same token, our Labourers, many oh whom have with Rizza's family for more than 80 years (generationally) have a very secure and somewhat prosperous life by local standards. 1 hand allows the other.

The point? I do sympathise with the family, but If I turn on the spigot it will never get turned off. They need to put steel pins in and told the father that they need to buy the pins and a hand drill to do the operation. Cost? 15,000 Pesos, roughly 330.00 US all told.

So, I came up with a solution. I went to the boy's hospital and spoke to the Chief Surgeon. I explained the game plan and for a a 5 Dollar Bill he was receptive.

I instructed him to buy what he needs and I paid 400 US for it. I said to go to the boy's room and tell his mum that the hospital had some reserves left in its charity fund and that they wouldn't have to pay after all. Had I not he would not be able to use his arm again, it wouldn't be able to bend upon healing.

I instructed him sternly not to allow anyone to know what I had done and when the operation was completed I would come by and hit him off a bit. He was ready and willing so it all worked out great though the family now hates me hahaha.

Jackie didn't dare tell me to fund it and she has no idea and I like it better that way.

Life here is harsh but there are ways to make it a tad bit better.

Since my thread was closed I shall post here..

Hey what's up everyone I was over in the suboxone mega thread talking about this subject and decided it deserved a thread of it's own. I'm here to talk about "the black box" or "brain tuner" A device that focuses on NeuroElectric Therapy, also referred to as NET, and has been developed and researched since at least the 1960s although the device has been used worldwide prior to the 60s. Dr Bob Beck is the one who really experimented and did much research on the subject. He focused on blood electrification in which he claims to have been able cure cancer, HIV, regrow his own hair, and in general become more healthier and in the process keep simple things like the cold and flu away.

Now as great as this sounds I will be focusing on his other developments specifically in the field of curing opiate addiction. The way it works is by using a certain number of frequencies as well as voltages and stimulating the brain to produce certain chemicals.

"Bob Beck used research and technology from the black box to develop his own device. He called it the Brain Tuner. Based around the principal of frequencies it used over 200 specific frequencies to encourage the rejuvenation, healing, and rapid re-stimulation of the neuro-transmitters."

For example in his research he found that beta-endorphins are stimulated with a pulse repetition rate of 111 hertz. I'm sure most people know but these endorphins are the ones that make us happy and are released during exercise, eating spicy foods, sexual activity, etc etc.. Opiates share the same receptors as endorphins and when they are used consistently the brain says they are getting to many endorphins and shuts down the production. This is the main reason withdrawal occurs after stopping the drug.

Here is a quote from the article about a rat study using the brain tuner.

"As an electrotherapy researcher, Bob Beck described it to me, this was originally discovered when scientists analyzed the brains of rats that had been addicted to opiates"

The rats that were addicted had been getting so much opiate that the little endorphin factories in the brain would shut down and basically say, "Look, our body’s got too much of this. Quit manufacturing it…" …

… and it would take anywhere from a week to three weeks before the brain of each rat would begin manufacturing beta-endorphins again. Whereas in the brains of the control rats that had never been addicted, you would find the normal, expected levels of beta-endorphin. And then they would take a third group of addicted rats, cut them off ‘cold turkey’ from the heroin, clip miniature electrodes to their ears, and within 20 minutes of electrical stimulation… the brain of each rat began showing that the endorphin production had started up again. So, those rats wouldn’t go through withdrawal symptoms!

"This evidence quickly led to the use of CES devices in the treatment of humans."

More of that can be read here. http://newyorkbodyscan.com/braintuner.html

Many claim to have been cured using this device, but one of the more famous cases involves the rock singer Peter Townshend. He was cured by a doctor named Meg Patterson and she was using the same type of tuner that Beck was developing. You can read about his recovery in an article printed in penthouse magazine back in 1983!

http://www.thewho.net/articles/penthouse_1983.htm

Heres a quote from the penthouse article. I think it's an excellent article and everyone should have a look.


"Townshend: I think NET is a fairly simple thing. It restimulates the brain to produce endorphins. The theory is that the brain stops making its own opiates if you take heroin. You see, drugs literally barge their way in and grab hold of the receptors [active sites on brain cells that the endorphins normally occupy]. Drugs wreak havoc where there was once peace and harmony. So with NET, you use an electrical frequency that will restimulate the problem area.

Penthouse: Could you describe the treatment, starting from the first day?

Townshend: I took a massive dose of heroin to get to California, and the Pattersons met me at the airport in a van and they hooked me up to the machine as soon as I got in. The first frequencies they gave me were low ones for heroin. I think it was kept on that setting for about eight hours.

Penthouse: Did the electrical stimulation give you a euphoric buzz?

Townshend: No. I just got this sense of a natural energy flowing into my body. It was as if all sorts of dormant feelings were being rekindled. The inner joy of recovery, and becoming independent from drugs, it produced this tremendous feeling of rejuvenation. By the second day, in fact, I knew I was on the home stretch. And on the third day, I started to look and feel human again. I started to read newspapers and to write about the way I felt. I remember writing things like, "I want to go out for a walk. I don't believe it." I could really feel my passion for life returning.

Another thing was that I'd had traces of returning sexuality. Initially, that was quite troubling for me, because I'd put down a lot of my problems in relationships to an abnormally dynamic sexual appetite -- and a confused sexual appetite. I'd talked to close friends about it and they'd said, "Oh yeah, well, you know, that's pretty much normal if you're an aggressive, high-strung individual. After all, half the people who are successful in business or acting are sex crazy." But I suppose that for about a month, maybe two months, before being treated I'd felt no sexual feelings whatsoever, so the treatment definitely had a rekindling effect.

I think I also wrote that I was still feeling somewhat bitter, or betrayed. But then on the fourth day, I woke up with this aggressive, angry attitude toward life. No, arrogant is perhaps a better word. I believed that I could take on the world. Later on, though -- on the fifth day, I believe-- I started to get depressed. Meg would then turn the machine up to a high frequency for an hour or so to stimulate the cocaine-type receptors in the brain. And if it was left on too long at this setting, I would start babbling away and everything in the room would start to go woooooooo."


Now I'm not saying this is 100% effective, but for an addict having the will to recover I think it could has much potential. From the research I did it doesn't get rid of withdrawals 100% more like 50-75% depending on the person. Here is a quote from Meg Patterson's research as she majored in treating addiction.

"Over three decades, it has become clear that the potential of NET lies in the following areas:

1. The ability to rapidly and safely detoxify from all the substances of addiction without having to resort to support or replacement psychopharmacology.

2. The degree of withdrawal relief provided by NET (between 50-75% for the majority of patients), is substantial enough to maintain the addict in treatment—NET has a reported Drop-Out Rate of only 1.6% (Patterson et al., 1984).

3. In 102 consecutive patients, treated for opioids, cocaine, tranquilizers, barbiturates, alcohol, and nicotine dependencies (including poly-substance detoxifications), 95% claimed that they were free of craving by the end of treatment, 75% that they were free of anxiety (Patterson et al., 1984).

4. The rapidity of physiological and psychological improvement. The substantial improvement in depression and anxiety assessments within the short treatment period is unique to this modality.

5. The low Relapse-Rate found with NET (80% of addicts, 78% of alcoholics drug-free up to eight years after treatment, Patterson et al., 1984). The physical well-being, emotional stability, and mental clarity imparted by NET's non-pharmacological regimen, suggests enhanced ability to benefit from integral counselling and relapse-prevention programmes."

The rest of the study could be read at the following link.

http://www.drmeg.net/net.htm



Now one may wonder if this thing is so good why isn't it mainstream? I wondered the same thing myself and there are only 2 conclusions that can be drawn. The first is it is all just a scam and it doesn't do shit and the other is it really is too good to be true and the government and BIG PHARMA just won't let it cut into their profits. I vow for the second one as there is just too much research and evidence supporting it. Check out this quote from another article.

you were my best friend, for 7 years.

a lot of love, a lot of hate- on both ends

we both tried.

I am very sad, and so are you. I cannot stand your malaise for me now, nor am I even able to look at you in the face. I was imprisoned mentally and yet you can only say "you always blame me". You say the right things unconditionally, yet your actions proved differently. Quit looking in the mirror, saying "I am fucking perfect", because my dear your flaws without extremes were endearing to me.

You were my lover, for 7 years.
A lot of passion, a lot of isolation- on both parts.

I am devastated, and so are you. I want you to hold me, but you violated my trust physically. You cut me down, cold shoulders and "matter of fact" bullshit. I was never perfect, but never deserved what I was given. I regret everyday not showing you my sadness earlier- instead my words came out like fire, and my heart locked in a cage.

I am leaving very soon, and can never be with you again. You broke bonds from ill words to some of my friends, you hurt me more than anyone... Because I allowed you to, and I am so sorry for ever permitting this into my life.

I've lost everything, literally, my home, school financial aid, my town, my heart, and mind over you... But I still do not blame you, it was both of us. My heart hurts so badly every night, and half my soul feels like it withered away.

Now I am packing, on my way, and your two-faced "i love you" "i hate you" tires me.

Good Bye my little flower, we never loved eachother the way we should have.

I need to vent here. This is in response to somebody else's blog entry that I don't want to clutter with my own comments. I just need to get this out of my system. I can relate to the significant others not appreciating time spent on a harm reduction site. I realize that people sometimes post things that are adolescent and that threads often degenerate into a pissing contest or childish name calling. She doesn't just hate Bluelight (in fact, she doesnt' know it exists - but if she did, she would start a fight. I need to change my avatar.), but she hates any time I spend on the computer that I could be spending with her and her cats. She knows i post in Slashdot (news for nerds, stuff that matters) and somehow takes this as a form of cheating on her. And then my occasional online gaming (as in dungeons and dragons online, chess, or evony a year ago) makes her jealous. She thinks it's all vile and obscene and full of perverts, and that i'm spending time with imaginary girlfriends. These girlfiends, she imagines, are planning to fly me out to New Zealand or some place and elope. What i think it boils down to is that when i'm not in the same room with her when i'm not at work, she gets jealous.

My dog will be 13 years old in December. He's an Akita and statistically they live until the age of 12. His age is showing. He has difficulty walking and if he's lying on the linoleum of the kitchen floor he needs to crawl to the carpet (for friction) in order to stand.

If I wasn't a junkie motherfucker perhaps I could make his daily life easier. I would have money to pay for medication and procedures.

He's a fuckin' trooper though. He takes struggle in stride. I have never admired or respected anyone more than this guy. He displays true love to me and, yeah, I guess he has no choice since I'm all that he knows but DAMN he deserves better. My love for drugs, my self-centeredness, my insatiable need for more has most certainly affected his quality of life.

Does he feel the love I have for him? Most definitely. Do I feel the unconditional love he has for me? No doubt. The thing is... its too late for me to take him out to experience the world beyond my junkie eyes. I've passed the time frame for taking him to doggie parks. My fucked up mentality prevents us from just sitting on the grass and watching the world.

He deserves more and I can't give it to him because I've wasted my time chasing coke and dope (or ANYTHING to get me high). I don't have the resources that normal folks have to apply preventative maintenance to make his movements easier.

I'm sorry you got stuck with me, my friend. I know you feel my love but love just isn't enough sometimes. Love doesn't heal fragile joints. Love doesn't heal hot spots on feet.

Dude, thank you for being in my life. If it wasn't for you I would be dead by now. Its not that death bothers me but you have prevented me from taking myself out because even though I'm not the greatest, I know you would be so confused without me. I've experienced some nice times because of the extension of life you have provided me.

I only wish I could break this selfishness and perhaps help your final years be easier. These drugs keep me away from my responsibility to you and I'm sorry. I deserve pain for the avoidable hardships I've caused you to endure.

Selfish. Junkie. Motherfucker. Again.

Some of you know I have a strange, deep relationship with my brother. I love him like he was my son and miss him like crazy. He has always been my solid, I have always been his. He hasn't answered an email from me in months. I'm talking like MONTHS. I know he is okay b/c his gf posts pics on facebook and he went to see my parents a month ago. I spoke with him for a minute over the phone while he was visiting them but we didn't really get the chance to talk......
The other thing is , he is in contact w/ my parents.....he a has always said I was more his mother than our mother. I'm fine with the fact that he went there and am not at all jealous of my parents but I know how he thinks of them and the fact that he is contacting them and not me is really weighing on me. If I let myself think about it I just break down. Its eating away at me. I don't understand why he won't talk to me. I have my theories, but he won't even answer me to find out!
I am so crushed about it.
I miss him

whining over.

Today is Saturday, July 10th, 2010 and it is now 844 PM here in Sagada, Luzon, Philippines.

Recap: Jackie and I have taken a short trip about half a day by auto to the northn part of Luzon, the cannabis capitol of this part of the world.

This entry: I had spoken just a tiny bit about how even this distant part of the Philippines has had problems with insurgency. I had also spoken about how despite the communist rebels and the permanant curfew the rebellion here has run out of sream. Silly me...About 12 hours ago 7 soldiers were killed in an ambush. I won't bore anybody talking about the nature of the war here, significantly different than that on Mindanao, 1400 km to the south.

The people here are very interesting. Just as on Mindanao there are a large number of Hilltribes. Likewise, Just as on Mindanao there is a catchphrase used to describe them collectively. On Mindanao the tribes themselves adopted the Bisaya word "Lumad," meaning "One born of this soil" to describe themselves collectively.

This self categorisation was adopted at a forum for 18 of these tribes held in Cotabato City, N.Cotabato Province in the late 1980s and is a unique case where the truly indigenous managed to take control of their own destiny, at least in this very small way. That is one tiny glimmer of home in what can certainly be a very depressing narrative.

The Hilltribes here on Luzon are known collectively as "Igorot" (Ee-go-wrote), meaning, "Of the mountains," or so I am told. I do know a bit about the northern tribes but nothing at all like I know the southern ones with which I am intimately involved (hahahah I guess literally since the Jacky episode hahaha).

The orthadox narrative has these islands originally populated by "Negritos," a Spanish term meaning "Little Blacks." Negritos can now only be found on Luzon, Mindanao and 2 islands in the Visayan chain because like all truly indigenous peoples they have always gotten the short end of the stick.

Their greatest number now live on Mindanao, simply because they were until 2 generations ago almost all, close to the stone age in terms of a way of life. When they came into direct contact with non-Negritos they had no resistance to diseases modern humans take for granted. Culturally it is much the same.

Imagine that you live deep in a rain forest in a leaf and branch shelter, hunting with bow and arrow and blow gun. You are aware that there are others, you see their tell tale signs and you meet isolated traders now and again. You have a couple of iron pots that are treasures to your family but that is it as far as modern conveniences go.

One season as you move towards your traditional season grounds you see an incredibly wide trail, wider than you have ever seen, has been plowed straight through the forest. Before you can see who or what has made such an incredible thing the people around you, your family, begin getting strange sicknesses and very quicly half your number dies.

2 months later your world, your way of life has been irrevocably lost.

One thing that I used to think about quite a bit when I first entered the outside world and learned about non-Jewish things (until age 11 I did not know a single non-Jew despite living in New York City), was a man called "Ishi."

Ishi was a so called "Native American" from a small tribe centered north of San Francisco, California. His small band was unrelated linguitically, to any other known tribes, and his way of life was extremely primitive (I hate that word but its all we humans have to convey the idea, sorry). The California Gold Rush wiped out his small tribe very quickly until only poor Ishi was left and one day he decided to live, to adapt.

He ended up actually living in a natural history museum as a living exhibit, in a typical 19th Century development. All alone, noone speaking his language, he was dressed up from time to time in European clothes to be paraded for philantropists and dignitaries but he spent most days in his small exhibit, fashioning arrows and other small primitive implements.

I suppose that was when I first became enamoured with anthropology though I wouldn't even know what that term meant until the army forced me into a secular education programme before they allowed me into Officers College.

The most amazing thing, in my mind? Today as I write this there are other "Ishis" in almost identical predicaments, the operative difference being that noone is paying to see them turn willow branches into arrows.

Not too long ago I was reading about a very small band living in the scrublands of Paraguay in South America. If I recall correctly, there was 1 male adult in his 20s, 2 related females a bit older, and 2 small children, all related. They, like Ishi, have no known connections to any other linguistic or cultural group. They had given up nomadism to try and eek out a very poor existence in a tiny patch of undeveloped scrubland perhaps 20 km square, as soybean producers (huge factory farms of the type one only sees in Brasil and Paraguay) encroach more and more each day. The factory farms in this case are on all sides, and pushing in and before the farm paramilitaries could exterminate this band, which is exactly what they do in such cases, Activists took their cause to heart (1 of the few times I have seen "Activists" actually do a really good thing). They have gained scientific attention, thankfully (since it will ensure that they have the best chance for survival) and it is hoped that they have already managed to gain some resistance to European diseases because of the (until recently) very gradual encroachment.

What is in store for such a group, if they do survive? Well, given the wonderful character count our betters here at BL have implemented, I will have to leave THAT for a subsequent entry though, since curfew kicked in exactly 30 minutes ago, I am sure that the entry will be today (if I don't consume anymore of that hash oil).

Today is Saturday, July 10th, 2010 and it is now 123 AM here in Sagada, Mountain Province, Luzon.

Recap: Last entry saw me pondering why I continue to post at BL, thought it is still not clearly defined. Hahaha.

Since returning to Luzon and the Metro Manila area, I have been trying to keep my distance from Jackie, hoping she will just move on with her life, anything I thought I felt being a quickly receeding dot in my rearview mirror.

I got her a 2 bedroom house in Quezon City, about an hour away by auto barring traffic. Her bestfriend from childhood, whom she had contacted (stupidly given her gameplan for life) put her onto an auntie, or cousin, or som such relation who knows a person who knows a person who happened to be renting a 2 bedroom home.

The cost is 2,800 Pesos a month, about 53 Euros (56 US more or less). It is a squatter home, a house built on untitled land that becomes grandfathered in title. Essentially, in plain speak, the nation's urban areas were filled with squatter areas in the late 60s, early 70s and in the mid 80s when the Marcos Dictatorship fell, the new government trying to buy some "goodwill" went about a convoluted form of Land Reform.

People who had held these homes for considerable amounts of time were given title to them. These neighbourhoods have very poor or even non-existent infrastructure, high crime rates, so on and so forth.

All things considered the area Jackie is living in is pretty decent. She liked it, until Wednesday when she did her laundry. People here wash clothes by hand and dry them in the sun. She had put her things out to dry on a line in her rear yard. Upon returning to collect her things she discovered that a pair of sexy lace panties were missing.

Here is the conversation:

Jackie: Raki, you know, I did my laundry?

Rachamim: Good for you!

J: But something strange happened when I went outside to get my things, my favourite set of panties were missing!

R: Yikes!

J: I don't understand because I am sure that I put them on the line next to the door...

R: Some asshole stole your panties.

J: WHAT???

R: Helloooooooo! Never put undergarments in a place where strangers can view them. Would you walk down the street in your panties?

J: Are you crazy?

R: I am not asking you to do it. I am trying to get you to understand somethine.

J: What?

R: Men, most, are little more than dogs when it comes to such things. They see sexy lace panties, and especially when they see the attractive woman who lays them out they react without thinking. Most would never think of taking them but for a very few who have such impulses it is too tantalising a risk to NOT act on those base urges.

J: I don't understand a lot of what you are saying. Are you serious that men steal panties?

R: Not only do they do that, try to guess what they then do with your panties...in fact, guess what they are certainly doing at this very moment.

At this point Jackie became very quiet, and then burst into tears terrified. To calm her I invited her to take a trip I had been considering for about a week, to my present location.

Luzon is the largest island in this country. Sagada is about 14 hours north of Manila by auto and is one of the precious few places here that has frost owing to its very high altitude. I enjoy cooler air though this time of year it is much too warm for frost.

I will be leaving Sunday evening and am looking for a local courier to ferry me back a few kilos of very decent hashish, the only cannabis profuct I care for. Here you can get 10 grammes for 5 US if you buy in bulk. It is locally made and ranges in quality but always very decent. I just took a bit of hash oil on some biscuits (crackers to Americans).

Sagada is also the safest place in the country to partake of any substance but 2 towns away the first Anti-Cannabis Checkpoints begin (in addition to the CLA and NPA Checkpoints, 2 communist insurgencies that have pretty much petered out up here despite the place being under a permanant curfew from 10PM onwards). Ergo I will get a local to deliver it for me, pay him 20 US.

Over and out...

Its the depression that is the killer. I started getting high again and the after affects that fuck with me most are the depression and general inability to function on a day-to-day basis.

I picked up a few weeks ago and within that time period I began the process of loss. Relationships were the first to go. After that it was self-respect. Lots of things have impacted me in this last run and once again, I've caused more harm to myself and selfish disregard to those I care about.

It seems that I have some sort of nerve damage in my left hand. Its been puffy, painful and tingly for about 2 weeks now. I think I hit a nerve or some shit shooting that garbage. Oh well, I'll acclimate to the discomfort.

I'm done with the shit now and now I gotta rebuild again. I want to fix the broken relationships first but right now I think I need to focus on how I can correct how fucked in the head I am.

Its funny, when I was in rehab, before my discharge, my therapist mentioned that she had no doubt that I could beat the drugs but she was worried about my ability to accept the mental issues I have. She was right though, I just can not accept that I may have mental issues.

I've learned a lot from this run, I think. All I need to do is apply it.

For the history books:

Cat doing better today. More energy. No longer seems "depressed." Interacts better. Ate better. Wounds continue to ooze. Still giving her kitty morphine every 12 hours. That makes a big difference. Will take her back to vet saturday for another checkup.

Tried to do my usual 10 mile run home from work today. Felt run down and could only run about 5. Knee pain. Also, the sound of things rattling in my 1/2 filled daypack was annoying. I couldn't keep level enough to quiet it. Not enough sleep all week and have worked 14 hour days all week..

Today is Friday, July 9th, 2010 and it is now 904AM here in Sagada, Mountain Province, Luzon, Philippines.

Note on Deletion: I had whipped out an entry and upon reading it found it replete with the worst spelling I have had in quite a long time. Getting to a PC late last night I began editing it and then said fuck it, just deleted it.

In that entry...and per the title, I questioned why I bother with BL. I began posting here about 10 years ago (this is the 4th version of my screename, which is my actual first name). When I changed EMails the BL server wouldn't let me continue as is, or if it would I didn't understand how.

I originally joined because I am quite active in Harm Reduction. Although I became an opiate/opioid addict through medical treatment (bullet through my jaw at age 17 then shrapnel 9 months later, bring on the morphine), I was very conscious as to issues faced by illicit addicts as soon as my prescription ran out. All the more so when I found out at age 25 (1992) that I had acquired HCV (Hep-C). Ironically, I caught it via an unsterilised IV in the field (from a medic) at age 17, even before the virus was discovered.

So I joined...When Phreex (I guess I should add RIP) lobbied for, and got "Other Drugs" added to the site I pretty much confined my posting there for quite some time.

Phreex resigned as OD Mod because he said he couldn't stomach the same elementary questions being recycled over and over, said he felt he should get "Use the Fucken Search Engine" tatooed across his forehead. Though I always declined to Mod I too felt the same way but much worse, saw it as either vaccuous banter with noone paying attention or else pseudo intellectual olympics, pissing contests.

I felt there wasn't much point in sustaining the considerable efffort I had made there. I found though, that I enjoyed other forums, particularly CE and P (Current Events and Politics).

Lately though, even that forum has begun to get on my nerves. I guess it merely mirrors real life, but people aren't interested in dialogue, only in 1 upmanship.

What used to give me pleasure? Running circles around Mods, not intellectualy (I am not that intelligent or very well educated), but in common sensical things.

For example...A Mod whose name shall go unmentioned gave me a "Warning," my 1st ever about a month ago. Why? A poster from Australia who has ridden me for a good year called me a "Baby killing scummy mother fucker." My response? "How's life on the sheep station? Relax, pop another shrimp on the barbie while you watch the box set of 'Crocodile Dundee'.":

This got me a warning So I PMd the Mod,"You and I both know you are full of shit. A poster calls me a 'baby killing mother fucker,' I respond by calling him a 'sheep farmer' and I get a warning? Kudos, you must be very proud."

No response but since then this same Mod has been poking me with his hard on (the imagery might make me vomit). It is stupid, juvenile shit like that that makes me question why I bother putting time in to such an endeavour.

The proper response to this would be, "You get out what you put in," so on and so forth but I just question the whole "wasted time" thing. For example, if I had 24 hours to live, how much of it would I spend on BL? Hahahaha.

More to the point, we should all spend more time doing things we truly value. Though, in fairness, in the bush, in Mindanao, BL is proper recreation. One can only "talk to the animals" but so much before going absolutely daft.

Now that I don't spend most of time on that island though...well anyway it will work itself out I am sure.

I am in Sagada, the cannabis capitol of this nation and home to some decent hash and hash oil. Hippe Heaven for this part of the world.

I will write more about it in a subsequent entry.

A song I'm really feeling!

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some ling on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

Abuser: felix.

Description of abuse: In an effort to make right with Bluelight, I submitted a thread on the idea of paying money to have infractions revoked. Even though I didn't break any rules, felix decided to abuse both me and his authority, and shut down the thread, thus preventing discussion.

Points: 1

The abuses committed against me started a little over a year ago. The first one I can remember was committed by Mariposa, and another then SLR mod (can't remember his name, but he had a Marine Corps EGA avatar, which means he abused his fellow Marine, Binge Artist). Some woman made a thread about becoming a hooker. One poster suggested that she become a "hand job only" type of hooker. So I suggested she become an "anal only" type of hooker. Although I recieved no formal abuses or warnings, I recieved a PM from both mods, in which I was called a "borderline troll".

The first BL staffer to officially abuse me was Leftwing. I made a post which asked a grammatical question, and was falsely accused of "solicitation". Leftwing admits he was drunk when he issued the warning. I begged and pleaded to have the warning reversed, but my pleas of mercy fell on deaf ears. Phrozen told me to just "move on, there were no points". I consider that comment an abuse in and of itself.

The next major abuse occured in OD Social. Unknown infracted me for racism, despite the fact that I am not a racist. In fact, my post was a reply to a post by Captain Heroin, which I later learned was a heartless act of baiting--he intentionally set out to get me into trouble. Again, I begged and pleaded to have the infraction reversed, but again, nothing but deaf ears.

Now, the next cluster of abuse came from a mod I didn't even know, Zzyxy (or something like that). CD Social was briefly shut down. When it started back up, I made a perfectly legitimate post. The post was even responded to by beta1, a CD moderator. But Zzyxz took it upon himself to abusively issue me a warning for said post. Since I felt he had an agenda, I gave him a harsh, but PRIVATE reply. And he abusively responded with an outrageous 2 point mod gun of an infraction. Since it was apparent to me that he didn't learn his lesson from my first reply, I gave him a second PRIVATE reply. Again, I got mod gunned with a 2 pointer, which led to a 3 day ban.

The next cluster of abuse came from one innocuous post about Jack Lalanne (a famous fitness instructor) in SLR. The chain of events was a mind boggling 4 warnings/infractions (two of which were reversed) by the evil, heartless and vindictive moderator Rogue Robot. I would include Noodle in the mix, but I learned from my insider sources that he was just Rogue Robot's pawn in this fiasco. And plus, he later sent me a friendship request, so I felt much better, and kinda view him in a positive light.

Today is Wednesday the seventh of July in 2010 A.D., the day of the
grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the
fellowship of the Holy Spirit; the day of the salvation, redemption,
providence, and blessing of the almighty Lord God Most High. If not
today then what other day is there?

Using my laptop. I found it in the trash 2 weeks ago and tried to fix
it up. It's a few years old and CPU usage @ 100%. Obviously I haven't
gotten all the bugs out. Typing this is slow.
Running "top" in a root shell shows that firefox is taking 1.4% of CPU
usage, xine is taking 96.7% of CPU, and various systme processes are
taking the rest. Xine looks like the culprit.

Update starting from Tuesday morning PPlanned to take Eloise Cat to
the vet agin. Couldn't find the cat. We looked around the house for 10
minutes and f before we found her. She had burrowed into the
insulation behind some boxes in the attic. Thios attic is accesib le
only by a ladder you pull down with a rope. She is not her usual
chipper self. She is not interacting with us and won't eat or drink.
Her nose was flushed pinkish and ears are warm. Her wounds are still
bleeding.

I loaded her into my backpack animal carrier and my gf and I rode her
to the vet on our bikes as neihter my gf nor I have access to a car at
this time. She usually yowls when she's in this carrier, but she's so
unwell, she just hunkered down quietly into the towel with her ears
back and nostrils flaired.

Weight still at 12 pounds. Body temp slightly higher but still in the
normal range. This was a relief (the normal range) as we suspected she
might be feverish based on the flushed nose and warm ears. This would
suggest her wounds have become infected. The vet tech cleaned her
wounds, injected her with more saline.

It was another vet today. Dr, B. He diodnt' seem like he was trhing
to push expensive medical procedures on us. He said it was definitely
not a coyote that mauled her. She wouldn't be alive if it had been.
Definitely a dog. He said at this point, she could go either way.
There is still no way to know. He said to bring her back tomorrow for
another check up and cleaning -- all that can be done at this point.

We took her home. She ate a full can of cat food today (after her
kitty morphine started kicking in.) She gave a few weak kitten mews,
purred for a minute, and slept the rest of the day.
.

Still Thursday, July 8th, 2010 and it is now 958 AM here in Makati, Luzon, Philippines.

Recap: Simply recalling how I began to develop feelings for Jackie, after it became clear that Rizza was shacked up with goiterman (I know, terrible of me).

OK...So...I have spoken quite a bit in other entired about trips I took home and how I have only returned here now, for good, because of Jackie having run away from home so that explains that sordid tale I reckon.

Why this title then? OK, well about 3 days ago, my last time on BL, I initiated 2 threads in CE and P forum. 1 was about a Viet Namese Acupuncturist slash Herbalist who claims to have found a tell tale sign of proof to ascertain male virginity. She claims that all males who have never had heterosexual intercourse have a tiny red dot behind their ear and that after sex it disappears. Homosexual relations and masturbation do nothing to it and she has used this form of "proof" to free 3 men convicted of gang rape.

The 2nd thread was about a 20 year Guaynese man who dug up his 75 year old neighbour 1 day after she had been interred, fucked her corpse in every orifice and stole the money and jewels she had been buried with according to Hindu custom.

Nice, yes? Both absolutely true, both absolutely recent, but as with every I post I purposely did not set a hyperlink.

It has always been my deeply held opinion that people retain that which they work for. Think about it, when you are given 50 Dollars, or when you earn 50 Dollars, do you value them the same way? You value that which you earn, of course.

I have been through this with Mods literally dozens of times over the years, and because some agree with me, but mostly because there was no rule saying I could not, they have always left me alone about providing a hyperlink.

Silly me, sometime over the years some sharp tool added a rule that a hyper link must be at the top or at the bottom of the initial post in a new thread.

Now that is OK, I respect the need for rules, even though with which I don't agree though in this case I do see the utility in demanding a link simply because other less honest people can start pulling shit out their ass and claim it is a genuine news event.

When I signed on today I had 2 PMs (I always have several but these 2 in particular) from Mods whom I will not name out of Spork's abhorrence of talking about posters and Mods behind their backs (sorry I am chuckling with that one for some reason, just seems like such juvenile bullshit, talking behind backs and all) .

1 of the Mods took the time to show me a but and psted copy of the rule, which is cool cause I actually didn't know some anal retentive clown had added it, but when I went back to the forum, I was a bit suprised. A 3rd Mod who has a problem with me (apparently) had closed both (assuming it was for that afore mentioned "rule").

I said to myself, why do I even bother with this bullshit? I came to BL when I was 31, I am now 43. I came out of my deeply held support for Harm Reduction but it has been years since I posted more than 5 posts in any drug related forum in any 12 month period.

I guess one gets acustomed to a website, like anything else but the women in my life find th site repu,sive, or else think it a total waste of time (given the women in my life that is probablly in BL's favout).

There are indeed very nice people but I am trying to sort out what exactly drives me to continue posting here?

I think I dig the Blog, it is kind of cool to look back and remember a time more vividly but even that, why?

One thing I have noticed in the time I have been here, most people don't stay long, and most people approach this as some sort of pissing contest.

Maybe time for a change? Then again, over the years I have had this feeling before. I remember when Phreex (I should say RIP or something) voiced his emotions as he voluntarily gave up Moderating the forum he was instrumental in creating, "Other Drugs," saying that when you feel like garroting a poster for asking a question the 10th time in 6 months its time to hang it up. Me feeling fed up over a Mod having a hard on for me? That's not me hahahaaha but maybe if I don't throughly enoy an effort, best not to put forth an effort?

Oh, let me explain why the unnamed Mod has that proverbial "hard on." There is a poster, nameless of course, from Australia. The poster has ridden me for a good year and as always I have been extra-civil.

After the 9 terrorists, I mean "Activists" were killed by the IDF as that ship tried to contravene the Israeli Blockade, he posted that I (meaning me personally) was a "baby killing scum" with the requisite 4 letter words. OK, my response? I told him that I hoped life on the sheep station had gotten a bit more exciting since he had gotten the "Crocodile Dundee" boxset and a box of frozen shrimp for the "barbie" (or some such vaccuous shit).

I received my first ever "BL Warning" for that hhahahah. So I PMd the Mod, and I said, "You and I both know you are full of shit. A poster rides me for a year, calls me a "baby killin scummy motherfucker" and I reply by telling him he eats shrimp, watches DVDs and farms shrimp...and I get a "Warning?" I closed by saying "Whatever" and laughing.

Since then, "hard on" hahahahahaha.

So juvenile.Anyway, why DO I bother? For the life of me I cannot figure it out and that is eating away at me. IF I didn't engage this site I could spend a maybe 10 or 12 hours a week doing something truly productive, like sitting with my thumb in my ass as I listen to Jackie talk about how "honesty is important," or at synagouge listening to my cousins complain about Filipinos...I don't know, maybe I will think of some redeeming reason.

Today is Thursday, July 8th, 2010 and it is now 927AM here in Makati, Luzon, Philippines.

Recap: Rizza and I having returned from Thailand and Cambodia, to Mindanao in late March, 2008...and how my relationship with Jackie began to change at that point.

2007 and 2008 were tough times on Mindanao, well, when is it not tough? The govt. was engaged in a very slow peace process with the MILF (Moro Islamic Liberational Front), the largest Islamic insurgent force in the country. I arrived July 5th,2007 if I recall correctly, and on July 10th on Basilan Island (a province of Mindanao) a group of AFP Marines were going out for a snack and ended up killed and decapitated (14 killed, 10 decap.). This opened up a very bloody 2 years.

It was a great time to start a paramilitary in the Southern Philippines (sounds like a song).

By March of 2008 I was back in the family compound and meeting almost nightly over the force I was building. This of course meant a lot of frequent trips to Camp Evangelista, and Jackie.

Now the whole time, I had believed she was separated, had just had her 2nd daughter but was intent on making a life for herself. I honestly still had no inclinations beyond friendship and that is where it stayed until I got an EMail from a doctor friend of mine back in New York who told me about a treatment that was having phenomenal success with my genomic Hep-C.

Hepatitis-C, at that time, 2008, was only really thought to have 3 genomes (a "genome" being a "strain" of a particular virus). With this new treatment, trademarked, "Pegasys" (pegylated interferon 1 injection weekly coupled with 2 daily dosages of encapsulated Ribivarin), I was looking at an 87% cure rate, a "cure" being a negative blood test for the virus.

I began shopping for tickets to New York, trying to get my local affairs in order (I have a fertiliser manufacturing plant, majority share in our mills, I lease 200 hectatres of my own land and advise the family with a lot of other things. In addition to that I was about to stock my goat farm and of course, the paramilitary.

I really didn't want to leave but 87% was a really good chance...

So, next trip out to Camp Evangelista I mentioned it to my friend Jackie and I could see it affected her. I told her if she wanted we could EMail back and forth, and while she wanted to she still seemed down about the whole thing.

I left the 2nd week in April I believe, went to New York, which is pretty well recorded here except for my communication with Jackie. It wasn't long after I arrived in New York that Rizza flew the coop but the family wouldn't tell me.

After about 4 months they really couldn't hide it anymore and I found out. Stress is a big thing with inrerferon, a form of chemotherapy that has some wicked side effects. Many people on it end up on what Americans call SSI, a sort of dole for sick people.

I handled it quite well, even when I found out what Rizza had done, but the stress internalised. I tested at 110,000 units when I arrived for my viral load.

3 months into treatment I was at 10,000. Oh I was full of myself, "I have this shit whipped" I though, blah, blah and blah. 3 months later, my next test? 74,000...

The last 3 months were when I found out what really happened, and when she started playing with me. She would tell me, "I am going home tomorrow, I swear." I would then call up the family and they would weep with happiness, even I shed some tears, the first 2 or 3 times anyway. She would play some really nasty shit.

At the same time Jackie and I were EMailing and then she brought a PC. In the Philippines, a PC can cost half a year's salary. Her "ex," or whatever one would call him now that this clusterfuck is out in the open, makes a bit over 10,000 Pesos a month, a lot for the Philippines but about 200 to 230 US depending how weak the Dollar is.

For her to get it, it was quite a sacrifice, and I was impressed because I believed I was the only person she talked to (Who knows? Maybe I was?).

Things began to change. I am not into "online" whatever, but I thought at the time that she and I were in similar circumstances, with her story being that her "ex" had impregnated some other girl, she had found out accidentally, etc.

We began IMing daily (having begun to IM when she got her PC), and then IMing for long periods of time. Finally, after I discontinued my interferon, I began to consider taking a trip home to see her.

I stayed in NY because I felt that if I returned home in that state of flux things might get very "hairy." It was better for the family that people would constantly ask me (and them) why Rizza wasn't with me, etc.

I will continue...

(Edited for spelling)

Today is Monday,July 5th, 2010 and it is now 134PM here in Makati, Luzon, the Philippines.

Recap: Discussing the NPA, the Moaist Insurent group here in the Philippines, as I attempted one of my de riguer 'long and extremely drawn out' vignettes...this 1 particularly about how I met Jackie.

What is with my title you ask? Well thanks for asking! I have decided to change my name. I think "Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami" is not exactly easy on the Western tongue (Oooooh, I love those Western tongues!). I have decided, after much pondering and banging of my literal head against the proverbial wall...that my new name shall be... TRISTRAM SHANDY!

I would imagine that of my 3 readers (wink) the lot of you may not be up to speed on 18th Century literati, so let me expound. "Tristram Shandy"is a literary character of an 18th Century best seller. He spent 2 years writing about the first 2 days of his life...JUST LIKE ME.

The beauty in it is that he did so for exactly the same reasons (as our hero Rachamom). He was forever fretting about context and fore knowledge. For example, my discussion about a trip to the mall easily devolves into a 3 entry spiel about the Islamic Insurgency simply because I carelessly mention a Checkpoint. I am always concerned that people reading this will be at a loss to understand what I am writing about so I try to colour in the background, the context. What usually happens is that the reader is lulled to sleep by the semi-retarded bleating coming out of my forefinger (Aaahhhh precious finger, stories you could tell!).

Back to my entry...

So the afore mentioned paramilitaries are filled with hilltribesmen like Jackie's dad, who like their fellow tribesmen populating the NPA, serve under "civilised" officers. The word "civlised" is relative, in terms of Western thinking because some of the Christian Filipinos are less civlised then the Hilltribesmen they lord over.

I became involved with the Higaon-on Tribe because of my own paramilitary, and because of a role I played, that I am not at liberty to discuss. Part of my responsibilities however involved meetings at Camp Evangelista, the base where Jackie was born and raised.

At one of those meetings a Higaon-on NCO (Non Commissioned Officer) invited me to Barangay Patag, on base. "Barangay" is a word I have already discussed, and it basically translates as "neighbourhood," or "village."

We ended up going to Jackie's family's house to visit with her father. He was orphaned at age 7, having lived with among his tribe, then still very much nomadic, hunting monkeys with blowguns and all that fun stuff.

His mum had died when he was born, still a huge problem in this country, the people are small, the babies heads are large and noone is going to be soing a Caeserian deep in the bush with a rusted pocket knife. At age 7 his father died in inter-tribal warfare.

He was abandoned at a mission, times were lean (Hilltribes practiced slavery into the 1980s and human sacrifice always used slaves so he is lucky that he was not enslaved).

At the mission they contacted his auntie who had married a Bisaya soldier. The Bisaya have been "civlised' since the late 1600s. This enabled him to begin schooling for the first time but at age 13 his uncle enlisted him into the AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines).

He served about a good 3 decades and was wounded badly in a firefight against the MNLF (Moro National Liberation Front), the original Islamic insurgency in the Philippines, in the late 1970s.

He had 4 sons, and 4 daughters, Jackie being the youngest daughter, the 2nd youngest child (the speed freak is the youngest child, a son).

When we visited Jackie was visiting from her home around the corner and though she couldn't take her eyes off of me I was married and wasn't even thinking along those lines. That was in September of 2007.

From then until after Xmas, when Rizza and I left for Thailand and Cambodia, I was at Camp Evangelista at least once a week, going through the motions in building a credible structure for my paramilitary. Most times I ended up seeing her and we would talk in a general and friendly way. When I left for the mainland (Thailand) I never discussed it with her and so she faded from memory during my 3.5 months in Pnohm Pehn.

Coming back in very late March of 2008 things began to change slightly...In true Tristram Shandy fashion, I will offer up a another large helping of cock and bull in my next diamond studded entry!

Monday update: my gf's cat was mauled Sunday night. [her skin was ripped and bleeding in several places and the fur was scraped off in other places]
My gf and I discussed this and I took the risk ... not realizing that such a wound, a puncture wound to the abdomen, could become septic overnight... We would take her to the vet first thing in the morning.

Monday (yesterday): We waited until morning to take her to the vet at 7am when they opened. --- She (Eloise cat) slept on the day bed in the basement that night. She usually sleeps with us. She bled out pinkish lymph.

The next morning, we loaded her into a cage and took her to the vet. Immediately, the situation at the vet was disconnected and out-of-sync with what was going on with the cat.

In the waiting room:
Vet tech: Is this Eloise (we had just called and made an appointment)? Has she had an ID chip implanted yet? Would you like to get her an ID chip?

We told the vet tech "no" and that the cat needed to be looked at and treated for her wounds. So she led us into the vet's examination room:
She weighed in at 12 pounds. Normal body temperature. Shaved the wounds and cleaned and visually inspected them. Took X-rays. They revealed black spots in the wall of her abdomen. The spots outlined the imprint of a jaw, the top and bottom half on either side of the cat's abdomen. The vet, Dr. F___ explained that these were air pockets where the tissue lining her abdomen was ripped and possible punctured. An animal the size of a medium dog or coyote did it. I've seen both types of animal moving through the backyard recently. Dr. F said the wound went all the way through, puncturing the abdomen, but this was not obvious visually. They had to run another test for abdominal fluid type or something to determine this.

Then Dr. F__ left and came back in a few minutes with a handful of printouts with prices for several treatment options.....He recommended hospitalizing th4e cat for the next several days, doing "exploratory surgery" on the second day without even knowing if it is necessary, and continuing to monitor Eloise's condition. Mentioned danger of fatty tissue necrosis. If that set in, he would have to euthanize her as nothing can be done in that case. My gf started crying. He seemed very eager to hospitalize her and especially do the surgery, someting that would run the his bill well over $1000. He disappeared into the back again while my gf and I thought about what to do.

My gf and i talked about this.... we weighed the options
Dr. F's eagerness to conduct expensive "exploratory" surgery made us both wary. (We were already puzzled by the vet tech who was pushing microchip implants.) Also, nobody is at the vet after 7 pm and tfhe cat would be unattended if somethign happens. Not only that, but while hospitalized here, she would yowl and be stressed - the loud noises of machinery and other animals, dogs, the tiny cage, unfamiliar surroundings,,,,,

Better to keep her in familiar surroundings where we could watch her oursleves, we decided. .. Less stress, animals and humans heal more quickly in pleasanter surroundings. I read that in JAMA or Nature or New Scientist or someplace similar... and we would call and all-night hospital if somethign happens..

We told the vet of our decision. He seemed disappointed and said this wasn't the best medicine and gave us a little lecture.... so he took her in back again to prepare her to go home. He injected her with saline since she wasn't eating. I assumed the vet meant an iv until I saw a huge bleb, a huge pocket of saline they had injected under her skin on one side. It was leaking out a little bit from her wounds -- you could tell when we picked her up from the towell she was on. Gave her antibotics. Sent us home with several syringes of kitty morphine and several cans of cat food containing an additive that makes it so appealling to cats that even the sickest cat can't resist eating it.

We gave her one dose of the pain killer. She perked up and stood up about 1/2 hour after the shot. Tried to be normal after the kitty morphine. 2 a day, every 12 hours under the tongue. Was try8ing to socialize with us.made a tiny meek little kitten meow. Even purred, but only for a minute. Then she ate 1/2 can of the special cat food. That's all she ate that day. They are small cans. She slept most of the day and night.