Only one night?

Well, yeah... on friday, after I got done from work I went to the city and picked up 5 bags of coke (roughly 2.5 grams) and a dime of weed. I'm pretty sure I had a six pack as well.

Anyway, I actually FORCED myself to get high. True, I already had a fresh box of spikes in my closet but the effort to get the drugs took a lot of sheer force. Everything inside me screamed not to do it. I KNEW I was throwing a lot of HARD work away but I said fuck it and took the drive down and copped.

So, on Saturday I went to the city again and picked up another 5 bags and on Sunday I picked up 7 bags.

Now its Monday. I called off work today to 'recover' but I mostly lay in bed unable to sleep but unwilling to even venture into the living room (too much effort). Thoughts of suicide came back, familiar feelings that I had made significant strides in placing behind me all came back. In force.

I'm not sittin' here crying. I'm kinda just afraid. I picked up a bottle of vodka a few minutes ago and it pisses me off. Am I back into this thing again? Alcohol makes it easier to make impulsive decisions like driving to the city for 'just one more'. I hope I can follow through and be clean tomorrow. I can't get back into the grips of this again. It was only supposed to be one night.

When did feeling good stop feeling good?

 

...

You've been talking about this for a while, and I think that it must be not uncommon for someone at your point in recovery to want to test the waters. The fact that it sounds like you didn't really enjoy yourself all that much shows that you're past this. Remember this. You'll be able to dust yourself back off, and get back to living sober, and you'll have the recent memory of this to help you stay that way.

 

day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute

 

and still... i hate myself.. just a little.. but I'm aware that this very well may be part of the process.

 

Hate is exhausting. Save your energy for something worthwhile. You were curious, you satisfied the curiosity, and now you can pull back and pick up where you left off.

 

Remember this? Read it again and again and live it.

You can't change the past, but you can accept that everything you've done has lead up to this moment.

 

^I had actually forgotten about that site and I'm glad you reminded me

 

Mate you’ve lapsed, pick yourself up brush yourself down and move on. Don’t feel bad about the past, don’t worry about the future just live for today and learn from the experience. You hang in there my friend there’s a lot of people here wishing you well, you’re in my thoughts…