phone vibrating shatters me out of sleep and i start shivering like most mornings. its cold out though n im used to the sticky summer, so its especially unpleasant hopping out of this super inconvenient and small dorm bunk bed. stumble my way to the shower and the warmth feels good i guess but im so lazy i just wanna fall alseep right there. i throw on a few layers cuz i still cant stop shivering and gritting my teeth so i guess this is gonna be one of those days where thats harder to shake off. whatever figured out the class schedule put the books in the bag along with a shot or two in an iced tea bottle. some leftover whiskey from last night might loosen me up a bit later maybe. but for now i have to get the every day hit out of the bong so i have somewhat of an appetite all day. i hate smoking but it kinda fills in a lot thats missing.
the second i walk out the door, a wind shoots through my sweater and seems to go right through me too. i feel like my bones are aching. i look up at the sky. the gray is just as piercing as the wind. puffy grey clouds everywhere, silhouetted by bright white from the sun that would be shining. the silver lining. im out today looking for my silver lining somewhere. the trees dont even seem really green unless the suns out and suddenly the campus seems bleak and oppressive.
get to the first class half the kids are already here and the desks face the door. it feels like all eyes on me. im not shivering anymore now im burning up sorta freaking out cuz maybe ill trip or drop my stuff and thats not where i wanna go. i sit down still on the defensive and making sure im super smooth. in front of me is a well basically the goofiest looking guy ive ever seen, very nerdy-gamer type. but im all about the underground types you know so maybe hes cool. other than that there are some good looking girls and thats kinda scary. obviously not out to impress anyone i just wanna be cool and in the background. but still idk attractive or popular people just make me nervous cuz maybe i wont be good enough for them. stupid mind games sometimes. the teacher and students are more a less a blur because of how tangled my mind is, thinking about myself more than it should.
however after class the nerdy looking kid zach in front of me started talking to me about this video game we both liked. cuz apparently i had mentioned something like that when we had to do the stupid ass standard "tell us your name and a hobby". he was very weird but i really liked that so i talked and walked with him for a long time because well he was smart with his video games.
i guess i feel a little better after that. always helps talking to people... especially ones who are not quite the way society wants em to be. then max calls me up on the phone he wants me to come chill at the hotel. thats a 20 min walk from the dorms. ive been walking nonstop since i got here. trying to escape something maybe, or maybe trying to burn some of this crazy energy that seems to come around and make me shiver or whatever. i chill with the people there and smoke a lot but i dont really get stoned or anything my tolerance is out of control. while im there i sorta go on a head trip thinking about how much these kids would not wanna hang out with me if they knew the messed up stuff i have been through. like even the kids that think theyre badass smoking weed or whatever... they'd run far away if they knew some of the bad things i had done i guess. that bothers me i wish i was still a good kid. like what happened and when?
then i start getting THE craving. i know i shouldnt think but i do. i want the morphine so bad again. i just think about the times ive put a pill in my mouth and headphones on my head. lying spread eagle on my bed feeling the wonderfully potent opiate love trickling into my bones and into my muscles and making them smooth out and now ill never shiver.
yo shake it off shake it off
but i go to my safe place, start thinking about my baby. i love her and i miss her so much. but shes been out with that russian dude till 5am last few nights and stuff. that guy.... i very very seldom feel anger. now i can feel it coming on. i think about what the old me wouldve done to that guy. but no man, you gotta remember this isnt the streets you cant act so rough. so thats probably the end though. whatever if shes gonna screw me over again so be it i guess ill just shake this off too.
spending my life shaking it off. i didnt find my silver lining today. maybe tomorow. at least i still care about looking right?
the second i walk out the door, a wind shoots through my sweater and seems to go right through me too. i feel like my bones are aching. i look up at the sky. the gray is just as piercing as the wind. puffy grey clouds everywhere, silhouetted by bright white from the sun that would be shining. the silver lining. im out today looking for my silver lining somewhere. the trees dont even seem really green unless the suns out and suddenly the campus seems bleak and oppressive.
get to the first class half the kids are already here and the desks face the door. it feels like all eyes on me. im not shivering anymore now im burning up sorta freaking out cuz maybe ill trip or drop my stuff and thats not where i wanna go. i sit down still on the defensive and making sure im super smooth. in front of me is a well basically the goofiest looking guy ive ever seen, very nerdy-gamer type. but im all about the underground types you know so maybe hes cool. other than that there are some good looking girls and thats kinda scary. obviously not out to impress anyone i just wanna be cool and in the background. but still idk attractive or popular people just make me nervous cuz maybe i wont be good enough for them. stupid mind games sometimes. the teacher and students are more a less a blur because of how tangled my mind is, thinking about myself more than it should.
however after class the nerdy looking kid zach in front of me started talking to me about this video game we both liked. cuz apparently i had mentioned something like that when we had to do the stupid ass standard "tell us your name and a hobby". he was very weird but i really liked that so i talked and walked with him for a long time because well he was smart with his video games.
i guess i feel a little better after that. always helps talking to people... especially ones who are not quite the way society wants em to be. then max calls me up on the phone he wants me to come chill at the hotel. thats a 20 min walk from the dorms. ive been walking nonstop since i got here. trying to escape something maybe, or maybe trying to burn some of this crazy energy that seems to come around and make me shiver or whatever. i chill with the people there and smoke a lot but i dont really get stoned or anything my tolerance is out of control. while im there i sorta go on a head trip thinking about how much these kids would not wanna hang out with me if they knew the messed up stuff i have been through. like even the kids that think theyre badass smoking weed or whatever... they'd run far away if they knew some of the bad things i had done i guess. that bothers me i wish i was still a good kid. like what happened and when?
then i start getting THE craving. i know i shouldnt think but i do. i want the morphine so bad again. i just think about the times ive put a pill in my mouth and headphones on my head. lying spread eagle on my bed feeling the wonderfully potent opiate love trickling into my bones and into my muscles and making them smooth out and now ill never shiver.
yo shake it off shake it off
but i go to my safe place, start thinking about my baby. i love her and i miss her so much. but shes been out with that russian dude till 5am last few nights and stuff. that guy.... i very very seldom feel anger. now i can feel it coming on. i think about what the old me wouldve done to that guy. but no man, you gotta remember this isnt the streets you cant act so rough. so thats probably the end though. whatever if shes gonna screw me over again so be it i guess ill just shake this off too.
spending my life shaking it off. i didnt find my silver lining today. maybe tomorow. at least i still care about looking right?