Looking back, I know that had I known how to dress with my figure, had the confindence and experience my own mom had at my age years younger----men would have flocked to me. Others damaged me, but ultimately, as the steps taught me, it was cathartic releasing the pain/the hurt of the past, understanding came, and with time more was revealed. Most learn from visual, some learn from listening best, the smallest from touch or doing. I'm in the 3rd group, but I didn't know it. Realization came from reading a lot, so I now know to tell someone to supervise me as I learn the new task---because THEN it will stick.
I don't have all the answers, as I still don't know why in spite of working so hard to lose the weight I gained the right way while clean.....my obsession with food never left me. The Tramadol however after 9 months of chronic fatigue is the reason I went back out. I just had to kick it and I want to feel alive again, which for a while I do. I did well as a ritalin child mom told me. I couldn't focus or concentrate which is probably the reason all my half sibs from Tony---who has ADD as well---never finished high school, or could read/write worth a damn. Dropping out of 10th grade is a tradition I found out later in the Tarantino family, but thank Christ my Mom, Gramma hell great gramma were teachers, educated and didn't believe I was stupid and put me in an insitution for retards like the so called professionals told them to. I'm so glad.
I'm glad I finished High school and didn't drop out of 10th grade, & am glad because of that I CAN read and write, seeing as how much I love both. Once I felt better going back on the speed, eventually I lost weight and had forgotten how great it felt to be able to WALK and move again, and finally the gift of actually being attractive again. I am still retaining the 15 lbs I hated as a teen, but I laugh cause once feeling what it was like to be REALLY fat----fuck I'll never complain about my current weight, in fact am quite happy with it now. So, I feel quite happy/gifted/grateful --- every bit as intensely as I been and get frustrated for the lack of money, and I do have this problem of laziness. I don't want to deal with mundane crap this creates problems. I tell the younger insecure girl I once was (in spite of my habit/addiction) I'm not stupid at all, don't even trip and 15 lbs is fine so to hell with what others think that may or may not intend me harm & to send out good vibes, give my troubles to the universe & let them dissolve. There really is no need for self hate. So, 10/4/10 I turned 46. I'm not fat, I'm met to be alone to find myself and if I want to choose an occasional sex partner wisely, well proceed with caution, but I no longer feel something is wrong just because I'm not, nor ever have been married.
My cell charger broke--again---and of course so did my pc monitor at home so I've been typing on friends pc. No way to edit now for the time that's why the errors by the way. Later folks. Hope I get my shit back soon.
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