Fucking PISSED!

So, my buddy owns a little breakfast/lunch cafe. One of the waitresses knows I'm in NA and asked for help and if she could come to a meeting with me. She has never been to a meeting before. I said 'Of course.'

My plan was to bring her to a meeting, introduce her to some females and keep doing my thing. She said she didn't need to talk to others because she has a hard time opening up. She said she was comfortable talking to me so that's all she needs. It doesn't work like that. I'm not a therapist. I have no experience with the issues that females experience in life or in addiction. I'm not interested in being that dude that someone unloads all there nonsense on only to have them continue doing the same things they are accustomed to doing.

Getting clean is about change

I took her to two meetings and both times she was high. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the following:

Tonight I met her at Dunkin Donuts and I drove us to the meeting. She sat in judgement of everyone else stating that she wasn't like 'this' or she wasn't like 'that'.

Afterwards she unloaded her 'horrible' history and gave all the 'reasons' why she gets high. I figured, okay let her get this stuff out of her system and after that no more. I know what its like to be wrapped up in addiction and am not interested in war stories. She believes she is unique. When it comes to this thing, none of us are unique.

I went home and received a call from her 30 minutes later. She was still in the parking lot of Dunkin' Donuts. She asked if I found a bottle of Midol in my car. I told her 'no' but went out to my car to look. I didn't see anything.

When I got back inside my apartment she told me that there were two methadone pills in the bottle and she thinks the girl sitting next to her stole the bottle somehow.

I told her it wasn't impossible. She then started complaining that the girl was a loser. 'Who steals from a person at these meetings', she asked.

I told her that when we first get clean we don't magically change. Losing old behaviors is a process.

She didn't get it.

If you bring drugs into a room full of people that are trying to quit drugs then you're a fucking selfish asshole.

Midol is expensive. What if the girl simply stole it for legitimate reasons (cramps from having a period)? What if this girl empties two 'Midols' into her hand for her cramps and gets two methadone pills instead? What if she is on other medication that could potentiate the effects of methadone and has a zero tolerance for opiates?

Fuck! What about me? This girl brought drugs into my car and LOST THEM.

Its taking all my will power not to tear my car apart and put those fuckers under my tongue if they are there. Inconsiderate fucking asshole.

This shit is life and death. I'm not strong enough to deal with this fucking bullshit.

Before I left Dunkin' Donuts (before all this happened) I asked her to do me a favor and not get high tomorrow. Her reply was 'Why?'.

What the fuck do you mean 'why?'. You have two choices: keep using or make an effort to stop. Thats it. Those are the only two choices for any of us.

She's not ready yet. Her horror stories were things I went through when I was 18 years old. I'm not dick sizing but this fact gives me a perspective that she hasn't even begun to experience the pain of addiction.

I'm full of rage right now. I'm done fucking around with people who say they want to stop using but really don't. They just want to use me for whatever the fuck reason and I'm not having it.

This shit isn't a fucking game and I will fuck someone up if it continues. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME...

I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH RIGHT NOW and I can't fucking save you.

Men stick with the men. Women stick with the women. Simple as that. If you can't reach out to other females than go back and continue doing what you've always done but don't be surprised if you get what you've always got.

They say I'm a nice guy. They say they feel safe around me. You have no fucking idea you stupid, selfish, lying ass mother fucking cunts.

The door has been opened. Either walk through it or walk the fuck away. Don't endanger those who are making an effort. An uncomfortable, painful effort.

This shit is life and death and all you're worried about is your stolen drugs. I'm sorry to say but, there is a lot more pain waiting for you out there and you mother fuckers are running full speed towards it (and taking others with you).

Go fuck off and die. Die horribly, please.

I thought those last two sentences would feel good to type. Now I just feel fucking sick that I thought such a thing

I can't handle this, man. I received my last paycheck on the 30th so I have about $500 in the bank. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes.

I don't need this and I can't fucking handle it.

 

I am sorry to hear you are pissed off! I get pissed off all the time though so it barely phases me anymore.

I think I know what you're saying. I don't appreciate it when people deliberately do triggering things to people who have recovered. I can tell you have done a lot of hard work and it's always worth it to stay clean/recovered.

I also really like the threads you have posted in TDS by the way!

 

OD, You CAN do this. You will be fine.
Don't let your frustration with her, or any other person be a reason to use again. If you find those pills, you fllush them and tell her- "yeah, I found them and flushed them- don't bring drugs around me."
You might also think about telling her that while you support her in her desire to get clean,you find her to be disrespectful and unable to seriously take a look at her own situation, which she has not done yet.... she can find help through someone else.
You need to worry about you- and while it is nice and all that you wanted to help the girl, there is only one person you need to be concentrated on.
Don't let this set you back.

 

I sent her this text last night but I just became more furious after:

'I can't explain it. You'll need to experience things yourself. Its not strange for a drug addict to take drugs if they are right in front of them.

Mark it as a lesson learned. Don't bring drugs to a meeting. the obsession to use drugs stays with us for a long time after we stop using.

Shit, I'm not exempt. If the bottle is in my car I'd probably take those pills and that would start me off on a run again and I don't want to live like that anymore.

Its serious shit, man and not cool to expose people to the thing that has destroyed their life (and the lives of those close to them). Once againa, lesson learned.

From now on no drugs in my car and no drugs in the meetings'

I mean shit, what if the woman who may or may not have taken the bottle places it in her medicine cabinet and her young daughter grabs them for cramps and unsuspectingly takes methadone?

There are so many dangerous variables involved.

 

Well said. You're also an amazing person for helping her out.

 

I am glad that you set some boundary rules with her OD! I think that you will find that communicating these sorts of things will greatly reduce the frustration you might have with people in life.

I also think the fact that you know this about yourself (that it might mean trouble for you if you found them and took them) is a great thing to know, because you are in power and control of your choices and you also know the outcomes of your choices relatively better than you did before you are in the here and now.

I also agree with spork that you are a great and caring person to help her out, not many people would extend friendship to people like you have described.

 

Check this out... the same girl sent me a text saying that she was going to check herself into the local State Hospital for rehab. I told her that that was a bad idea.

I met her at the Dunkin' Donuts today and we drove to the place that placed me into rehab. They gave a brief interview and she is scheduled to go to a REAL rehab on Tuesday!

Man, I respect this girl now because she is making an effort to better her life and its a fuckin' scary decision to make but she is following through with it.

I only wish EVERYONE who has a drug problem and wants help knew how easy it is to get treatment without having insurance or money.