So, how we gonna do this?

So this is my Day 1 again of an attempt at being clean again. Total abstinence is how it has to be for me, no doubt.

I'm almost 40 and have had plenty of years to figure out the secret to using drugs recreationally but NEVER actually could figure out how to do that

I've had insomnia for the past few weeks and, if patterns prevail, it will become even more sleepless

I actually just woke up at 4pm after tossing and turning. What I WANT to do is lay in bed some more but I won't be able to sleep and if I do, that will make me wake up wide awake at a 'stuck with yourself' hour of the night with nothing to do

Gotta keep it movin', man. Its about reality and life is up and about all day every day. Time to jump in and participate

I have $6 and the ways and means to get more. But I won't. Lemme give this day a real shot. Lemme give commitment an honest attempt and pay no mind to the fear and discomfort

I'm gonna hop in the shower and grab a bite to eat and come RIGHT HOME. Today I can't fuck with myself by justifying things like gettin' high. $6 will get me 3 40oz Hurricanes and another day of putting off what needs to be done

If I fail today should I just give up again and accept the possibility of rehab? (I sure wouldn't mind sitting in a facility cafeteria eating some chow and knowing that that will happen 3 times a day)

Fuck! All I did was type '40oz' and I'm considering grabbing that fucking malt liqour

There's a meeting at 7 tonight close by. Why are all the fucking convenient meetings always hours away? 3 hours is a long time to be with myself. Maybe I'll call someone in NA and see if they'll hang out ?

Nah, I won't do that because of pride and I just don't wanna be social. More forms of self-centeredness that are killing me and keeping me from who I truly am

Baby steps.

Shower first and do what ya can. What ya can't do... don't.

So, visual aids to keep me grounded are in order.

The pic below was taken 02/13/10. I was 6 months clean

I relapsed on 06/21/10 and the below pics were taken today (09/21/10)

 

if you need i'm free to talk, meetings anything. we're going through the same shit..i understand man.
hell you know how to find me.
hang in there

 

Like you said, it's all about baby steps. Go along to the meetings as much as you can, or maybe find yourself a drug counsellor (I know mine has been a life saver). Remember that you've got clean in the past, so you can do it again! Best of luck... and make sure to hit me up on MSN if you see me online sometime.

 

damn buddy thoughs are some rough before and after pics I know it all too well Ive been a junkie for 13 years and Im only 27 Ive done my time and finally I dont wake up sick anymore or even with crazy cravings I dont go to meetings I find for myself I focus way to much on the negitives in life when in the program I still drink beer smoke pot even blow lines every now and then but things are differant now cant explane it maybe I just lost the drive to keep doing what it takes to get high regardless Im rambling good luck bro stay up......