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Walking by this pool with Goggles (Alex) he's holding me under his arm and I think it's awkward since I don't like him. He's showing me the pool through the glass and telling me about hydrogen peroxide and it freezing. There is a water mill and it looks frozen and sterile. There's carpet below us and the hallways look like those of a hotel or a store like the big Forever 21 in Anaheim.
I'm trying to subtly get away from under his arm and there is another guy there who I don't talk to, I think it's DB's friend Rustin.
I don't really remember anything else, I kept being woken up by stupid ass drunk people.

I think the idea of a bog is that you jot down your day or events or how youre feeling as if chatting to someone... Is this so? I would quite like to give it a go. Sometimes I want to spill my thoughts and experiences to someone but never feel sure that they will care or keep confidence or just glaze over with boredom. I would hope that I can be witty or intelligent on ocasions, but would also like to have a rant or let off steam. So Is this the right place?
Bx

Neat how things work with this topic at this time.

I've been recognizing my lack of 'in real life friends'. Just don't have any. The only people I can call 'friends' are here on BL. Sad fact? I don't think so because these folks have HEART. They've ALWAYS been supportive, understanding and non-judgmental.

Check this though... I've been thinking of leaving BL. Sometimes I think it may be self-sabotage leaving a place that is so important and necessary to me. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking it is self-preservation. Shit, what if my BL friends stop liking and caring for me? I'll be FUCKED. Because of this, my fucked up rationale tells me 'leave them before they leave you'.

I could never become as good as these people. They are friends and they are real. I value them but I fear rejection so I withdrawal and run. That isn't how I typically do things so why now?

I have amazing friends. I've never met them but they are true and they are fucking AMAZING

Go with my friend Lisa (but she looks more like me) to this tanning salon, it's like in a big carpeted conference room with potted palms and white walls, very typical. She gets in the booth but it's not contained at all. Just lights, looks like a photo shoot. She's posing and i'm wondering how it's going to make her tan since it's so strangely made.
Then on a yacht making valentines this is like an assignment, we're only supposed to make one and i can't think who i should ask to be my valentine. I'm thinking about my friend Adam and also this random guy who I don't know or have ever seen in rl, but i don't really want either to be my valentine.
It's very hard cutting and pasting these things and my drawing skills are shit. The texture of the papers changes constantly, some are slimy, some are furry. I'm not really aware of who the people are sitting next to me, but I see my mom is there but it doesn't really affect me.
Another yacht comes by ours and my mom tells me despairingly that it's her old friend who decided to escape with her family. The yacht is horribly gaudily made and has a lot of statues inside much like the prows of viking ships, but they look like zombies due to the color and texture of their skin. The people inside all look fat and rather bored.
My mom tells me they're obsessed with the age of Aquarius so i ask if i can make fun of them and she doesn't care so i make this waving motion in front of them somehow not in the water or above it, but in between and not getting wet.
I'm unaware of the reactions of the people on the ship. I start thinking how i should tell them all that there is no god and that they're beliefs are stupid bullshit that's causing them to waste all this money and uproot their lives.
A young Jesse Jackson comes on the microphone across from me (i'm like right by the other yacht, he's on a platform by my mom) and says "THERE'S NO GOD!" I was so happy he said it and was like "YES. YES" pointing at him.
Again I'm unaware of the people's reactions but there is a fast forward to me sitting on the yacht again, no valentines, my mom no longer there. I see this pale girl with tattoos that look like wounds and diagonal lines across her body looking very ill, she almost looks possessed. I ask her if she's ok and she says "I'm just trying to stay mentally-put together."
I then see that everyone on the boat is getting pale and extremely ill, almost like from radiation sickness. The woman who works in the kitchen comes up also ill, worried about all the kids on board. I'm not sick at all but it's scaring me, feeling trapped with all these sick people, and wondering if it's because of the god thing, but thinking how improbable that is since I'm feeling fine. Then I wake up.

*ahem* quite a snotty pretentious topic to introduce here in my redundant opinion, the beating heart of harm reduction online, but it holds a few truths, as well as a few lumps of coal. read on if your heads bigger then a walnut:

(Revised 23 December 2010)

Bruce K. Alexander, Professor Emeritus, Simon Fraser University

3. There is no substantial evidence that the minority of drug users who do become addicted lose their will power, and strong reasons to think that they do not. This contradicts the weak form of the 2nd foundational element of the Official View.

Although it is sometimes convenient for street addicts to let police, their parents, or other power figures believe that they have lost their willpower or had their brains "hijacked", they are not, in fact, drug-zombies. Clinicians and drug counselors who listen carefully in situations of trust know that many people who are addicted to drugs, as well as other habits and pursuits, can explain in great detail why they lead the life style of an addict. They can detail the functions that their addictions serve for them, and explain why socially acceptable life styles are so difficult for them to achieve.[77]

This is not to claim that addiction is simply a matter of "free will". The freewill vs. determinism debate is an irresolvable philosophical dispute not only about drug addiction, but about all human actions. However, there is no substantial reason to think that addicted people have less control over their actions than anybody else, even though some of them sometimes claim that they are out of control, especially when they are explaining themselves to their parents or to a judge.

Some addicted people probably do sincerely believe at times that they are out of control and cannot comprehend their own behavior, but these beliefs are readily understood psychologically in terms of psychological attribution theory,[78] Freudian defense mechanisms,[79] or a simple desire to avoid being punished. Furthermore, addicted people are aggressively taught to believe that they are out of control by the omnipresent rhetoric of the Official View and of many treatment programs and self-help groups. The current doctrine of the Official View holds that any thoughts addicted people may have of not being out of control are themselves results of a disease process, such a denial, or drug-induced brain damage.[80] Many addicted people cannot bear to attend 12-step groups precisely because they know that they are not out of control.

4. Genetic research provides no substantial evidence of a genetic predisposition to addiction. This contradicts the 3rd foundational element of the Official View.

Addiction, like all other human activities is influenced in various ways by the shared genetic endowment of the human species and by the particular genetic complement of each individual. Therefore, evidence of some genetic effects on addiction is not surprising. However, neither the experimental evidence that hundreds of genes can influence the likelihood of addiction in some species and in some situations, nor the reports of substantial heritabilities of alcoholism from human adoption and twin studies comprise evidence of an inherited predisposition to addiction. Genes can effect various risk factors. For example, a gene that affects the sensitivity to a particular drug may make an experimental subject more or less vulnerable to addiction to that drug. A gene that affects one of the qualities expected in a particular human group, the absence of which predisposes a person to social exclusion, can increase the probability of addiction in the persons that carry the gene. These kinds of genetic effects could have measurable effects on the frequencies of some addictions in some situations, but they comprise no evidence at all for a genetic predisposition to addiction in general.

Moreover, there are many reasons to question claims of heritability of addiction of as high as 50% that have come from some human adoption and twin studies. These claims are being vigorously disputed by many biomedical researchers on a variety of grounds.[81] For example, there is no way to control for prenatal and perinatal stressors produced by alcoholic parents whose children serve as subjects in adoption studies. Such factors could have a major effect on future addiction which would be incorrectly counted as genetic variance, under current experimental designs.

5. Natural recovery is the most likely outcome of addiction. This contradicts part of the 4th foundational element of the Official View.

Large-scale field studies and clinical studies of "natural recovery" show that about three-quarters of the people who become addicted to a drug in their youth recover, usually without receiving any addiction treatment at all. More than half of them recover by the time they are 30.[82] The relapse rate for people who go through treatment is much higher than the relapse rate for those who overcome addiction without treatment.[83] This difference in differential relapse rate does not reflect badly on treatment, since the people who present for treatment are those who did not recovery naturally, and are therefore more resistant to change.

The basis of natural recovery without treatment is no mystery since so many case have been documented. Natural recovery occurs because people establish stronger relations with the community, or find a strong sense of meaning in a new life.[84] Addicted people who do not recover on their own fill the treatment agencies and social service centers. A large number are refractory to treatment, creating the illusion of a chronic disease, which has been incorporated into the Official View to explain the marginal success of treatment regimes built on its doctrine.

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--snip--

Conclusions and Speculations

All six foundational elements of the Official View are untenable, its scientific faith is illusory, and its medical promise is expiring -- like any long-repeated promise that has not been kept. The War on Drugs that the Official View tacitly supports is a cruel farce. Addiction is more accurately, usefully, and peacefully conceptualized by Dislocation Theory. It is time for a paradigm shift.

The Official View has maintained its hegemony over modern thought for too long. It has become entrenched, I believe, because it narrows society's understanding of addiction in a way that protects the modern status quo.

Historically, medicalization and criminalization of addiction in the 19th century were more than an attempt to solve a pressing social problem with the methods of medical science and moral exhortation. Medicalization and moralization served the largely unconscious function of reassuring an increasingly nervous population that the brave new world of 19th century modernity was secure. With addicted people safely labeled as diseased or immoral misfits, or both, and with the growing malaise of addictions conceptually limited to drugs, there remained no possibility of seeing that the rising tide of addiction was an understandable way of adapting to an impoverished social milieu. The realization that successful intervention would have to come more from societal change than from individual treatment or punishment became unthinkable. At the same time, major benefits accrued to the nascent treatment and pharmaceutical industries that devoted themselves to tirelessly seeking cures to the non-existent disease of addiction.

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--snip--

Harm reduction practice challenges some of the foundational elements of the Official View, most obviously because it usually does not envision the addicted person as sick or immoral, but rather as struggling to adapt to difficult circumstances in ways that are not always socially acceptable. The essence of harm reduction practice is not dispensing needles, condoms, and drugs. These tasks can be accomplished with vending machines. The essence of Harm Reduction is establishing ongoing, respectful relationships between addicted people and caring service providers.[152] Therefore the harm reduction movement may be expected to play a chasm-bridging role in the paradigm shift from the Official View to Dislocation Theory.

While recognizing the importance of treatment and harm reduction, Dislocation Theory of course puts the greatest emphasis on dislocation as a root cause of addiction and on fundamental social change as the most important means of bringing addiction under control.

Addiction is one of the windows through which we can view the widespread psychological malaise and the underlying structural problems of a tottering civilization. Addiction is not only a scourge for modern humanity, but also a teacher. Unfortunately, its lessons have been obscured by the stultifying presence of the Official View.

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[read full article]

now, i feel it's time you go to your room 21st century medicine, you've been a very naughty boy. no drugs, phone, computer or tv for 100 years. you can come down when you've cooled off 4-6 grays (400-600 rads)

raverholic4hardcor said:

u guys are so funny grow the fuck up u bunch of retards wats ur fuckin problem u really shud just take a look at yourselves innit!!!!!!!!! Haha ur so funny ur the biggest bunch of dickheads ive ever come across u dont know me u can fink wat u want ok wheres ur videos then retards come on really u try and compete against me on youtube nah cos u aint got the fuckin guts i dont come on ere to argue just fuck off innit,people like u lot do me fuckin head in ur the jellous stupid pricks who wanna cause arguments in forums ever heard of dis sayin watch who u fuck with??????

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8) :d

I have only a few friends and recently ended a 15 year friendship due to it being toxic for me.
I hit 30 and realized I'm in a no bullshit/no drama zone now. I don't want people in my life who are only going to focus on the negative and not face what is real......I don't want secretive friends or people who lie to waste my time. I have a couple girls in my town that I have been working on developing a friendships with and I find myself hesitant to fully trust.....I guess it comes with time?
Blah.Blah.Blah.

...or lack thereof!
I am aware that im a seriously over-sensitive person... trying to balance my need for friendship and protecting my fractured ego can be tough.

There are people I used to consider friends once, who are still in my life but I am resentful toward because I realise most of my older friendships were based mainly on a power structure(which I wasn't aware of at the time) so they are now kinda corrupted by that and I guess this is karma; because my(and their) past investments were pretty superficial(although I believed them to be otherwise at the time). I still feel 'hard done by' alot, I was a very wounded person and if I craved people as medicine, to fill a void alone- I deemed them 'friends'.

I rekon my idea of real friendship now really means me being honest with someone and not just playing a part, I realise now what I want and need alot more and also what I need to give.

But ya, friends...I hate that word
It has the same effect as 'picket fence' or 'size 0' on me...seems so unrealistic and unattainable but that is just the way I have come to judge it over the years, probaby because of experiencing chronic lonliness and emptiness.
Someone to connect with who accepts me in essence and respects our differences and I reciprocate- that's my definition, that I can handle.

Let's talk about FRIENDS.
(as suggested by OverDone)

We're taking suggestions for future rounds as well!
Suggest in the comments here!!

Now 7 months 9 days clean (totally abstinent):

The last 2 months a lot of stuff has happened!! I have been going through a little rough patch recently actually, but just this week turned a corner and feeling better. I hadn’t been sleeping properly. I would get to sleep fine, but wake up 2 or 3 times a night and either have trouble getting back to sleep or not get back to sleep at all. I am not sure what was causing it, but it was really doing my head in and I was quite stressed and depressed for a few weeks. I think it may still be p.a.w.s symptoms, but not sure. I am sleeping OK now though and have felt better for it this week.

I have recently rediscovered my passion for music, collecting, organising, and learning to mix and create it on Ableton. I was always into this, but my addiction just took over. For example I would spend months and months and months cataloguing MP3s, renaming them and ID3 tagging them in a very OCD way, then install something like Pro Tools or Ableton, just about be ready to start learning and getting into it, then one morning pawn my computer off to get a few bags of heroin. Now I can actually pursue this interest and not have to worry that at some point its all gonna end. I mean it is quite strange actually, not having to worry that something is gonna go wrong, I’m not used to everything going so right! I keep doing the next right thing and so far it’s working out pretty damn well!!

We got this sort of recovery club called Artheads in our town, which is great. It is open to anyone who has or has had problems with drugs and they run art classes, music classes, etc.. On a Friday night they have a DJ workshop, which I’ve been going to, there is someone who goes who is really good with Ableton so he’s been teaching me some tricks. It’s great getting into a hobby again!

Sent off to get my driving licence back, I was banned for 18 months, again because of drink and drugs. And I have bought a car! A little Peugeot 106, 1.1, R Reg for £320. Just need my license to arrive in the post and to sort out insurance and I’m on the road again. I really can’t wait. Wanna start doing something out of town at weekends with my friends, and also wanna get to some different NA meetings out of town during the week.

The hostel I live in are moving me onto a 1 bed flat! It’s not a council place, still managed by the hostel, but still having my own place is gonna be so good. This hostel is doing my head in a bit to be honest, can’t eat properly here, as the cutlery,plates etc always go missing, the other residents are all a nice bunch but when some of them drink they get all annoying and loud and messy. I don’t really see them that often, far healthier for me to not hang around with them. I need to hang around my clean friends, I think this is a vital part of my recovery, and through na I have some really close friends now who are in recovery too.

I got the job at the substance misuse agency! I had the interview and she would like to take me on as a mentor, after CRB check has gone through. I have a criminal record, but have explained it to her and they are ok to take me on. She is hoping to set up a recovery community in the town, similar to Artheads in my town (bury st. Edmunds). And I am gonna be running IT lessons, helping service users learn basic it skills like setting up email, word processing, etc and more if they want. Then hopefully have someone doing art, someone doing music, etc. Feels good to part of something that could potentially help people turn their lives around.

Gonna be doing a talk at a school next month with a friend in recovery. We’re talking about alcohol awareness, to a group of about 25 kids (age 14-16), very nervous, but I’m sure it will be fine and rewarding.

Been doing lots of NA meetings, and really enjoying them and getting a lot out of working a 12 step program. I did the main chair at 2 meetings recently, and it is really insane how far I’ve come, I mean me sitting in front of 30 people telling my story, I can’t quite believe I’ve done that. I mean I couldn’t look anyone in the eye 7 months ago!! Felt very good after doing the shares, feels good to think that my story may help someone else, give them some hope or inspiration, or look at something in a different way, yeah, very rewarding doing that, and it still blows me away how far I’ve come in terms of confidence, etc. I mean I still get nervous, heart pounding, etc, but im making an effort to not let fear control me anymore. I;m working steps with sponsor. Currently doin 1,2,3. Which in simple terms is: 1. Don’t pick up and understand why you can’t. 2. Go to meetings 3. Don’t make decisions on your own. I can feel this process having such a positive impact on my life, it’s really great!!

Yeah so even though I have been going through a little rough patch, I have achieved loads in the last 2 months. Just after typing this up I feel so much better as I can really see that I don’t need to let feelings control me anymore, but (sometimes begrudgingly) maintaining a program and doing the next right thing, regardless of how I’ve felt, its all gone well. By focusing on the positives I feel a lot better, I am really starting to think that positive thinking is a very powerful thing!

Back again soon!

Friends:
Friends are expressed as reflections of ourself. Things that we love, loath, value, and take for granted. Many people view them as commodity, or tools to be used. There are a few however that see them as people, and not "things". I can say throughout my life, I've had many friends. They pop in and out of my existence frequently, as I've had best friends at certain time periods . Aloof, but this is really the enigma described as my life.

Looking back now, the most alone I've ever been in my short 25 long years of life I can remember every make-your-face-hurt-laugh and the moments when I needed someone most but no one answered my calls. I've learned, as a sad lesson in life, no one can ever help you even if they did return your call, stop by randomly, make a surprise birthday party. I guess I dreamed that one day, the friendships I see on TV, so thoughtful and cherished I would experience one day. Don't get my wrong, I do have probably a handful of good friends like this, and I admit it isn't easy when they are across the country. As you get older, and maybe more fragile, it is increasingly difficult to hold onto friends let alone make them. Wherever I go, I always find someone to buddy up with, but what if I don't want to go anywhere, anymore? I'm tired.

I dropped about two or three weeks ago and ever since then, I haven't been able to get as high off of weed as I used to. I've tried to not smoke for a week so maybe my tolerance would go down-but even the first time I smoked after that week I didn't get that high
The high also felt almost suppressed, as if I am high, but there isn't any peak, and I don't feel that* different.
Any ideas as to why this is happening? is it a result of dropping lsd

I did not think this was necessarily CEP material, so I'm putting it here. I keep meaning to make some sort of meaningful update. I've been doing some traveling (more soon), a lot of reading, adjusting to new psych meds...

and I laughed for about 10 silly minutes when I read this article.

A popular former mayor of Fort Wayne, Ind., is looking likely to get passed over by a selection committee charged with commemorating a new government center, simply because of his name: Harry Baals.

Baals, pronounced like "balls," is the clear frontrunner in an online vote taken to gauge support for the various candidates, but on Tuesday, city officials suggested that they didn't want to humiliate the city by giving people a reason to snicker at the name of the structure.

"We love Fort Wayne, too. We're not going to make any decisions that look bad," Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy told the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, clarifying that a potential "Harry Baals Government Center" was "probably not" going to happen.

The beloved mayor, who's name is now pronounced "bales" by some, despite the fact that he used the "balls" pronunciation himself, served three full terms and eventually died in office during his fourth.

At least one descendant thinks the city should grow up and accept the results of the democratic process, which show Baals with nearly 6,000 votes, about 5,400 more than the closest runner-up.

"Harry served four terms and was a wonderful mayor. I don't know what the problem is," Jim Baals, the former mayor's grand-nephew told the Gazette. "I understand people are going to poke fun at it. That's OK. I've lived with that name for 51 years now and I've gotten through it. I think everybody else can, too."

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Source

Just sent it to my retired boss who has an equally hilarious name. I can just hear him laughing.

Kids Voters can be so cruel!

Hello, I am an addict of Poppy Pod tea. The longest I've gone without them is 8 days. My physical withdrawal has always been minor due to the way I dose by spacing it out as much as possible. I am fully psychologically addicted to this though. I use it as an antidepressant and anxiolytic.

I also have been dabbling in GABAergics, or to put it another way playing with fire. I have more than enough to become physically dependent to the point I'd need a medical intervention to detox. I do not want this to happen so for the time being I am resuming my poppy pod addiction which chases away cravings for benzodiazepines.

I am still in the honeymoon phase of pods. I get high off them, especially when I am lucky enough to get ones with higher thebaine content. The morphine gives me a good body buzz. I am starting to look at myself however and realize that I am not in control when I wait for the postman to deliver my parcel of pods, I lay out the blender and line the trashcan ready to dump out seeds and process the pods as if it were some sacred ancient ritual I am conducting. I pace around waiting for it to arrive. This reinforces just how bad my psychological dependence has gotten. I do not blame the drug though, I made the INFORMED choice to get addicted to this, I always knew what the consequences would be. I take responsibility.

As I write this my tolerance went down a noticeable bit in those 8 days of dabbling in benzodiazepines including Flunitrazepam. I also used high doses of Phenibut, a potent GABAergic with an extremely long duration of action, too long for my tastes. I realized benzos were sucking me in and I must not allow myself to get addicted to these which cause seizures and other life threatening things upon withdrawal. So the big supply of benzos I shall reserve as escape hatches for opiate withdrawal insomnia, bad hallucinogen trips, etc. OCCASIONAL use for when I must be at social gatherings, a mild dose of a long lasting benzo to keep my social anxiety disorder pinned down. Never daily use. No.

Between the two, pods are the lesser of two evils so to speak. You don't need medical intervention to withdraw off opiates. I have medications for Diarrhea, leg cramps, insomnia, anxiety, strong NSAIDs for rebound pain. I have a goal of only using maintenance doses rather than get high doses.

May 2010 is when I actually became addicted -- and when I began using pods, but I used opiates recreationally before that. A couple vicodin here and there but not on a daily basis. Then I was dabbling in poppy seed tea and had one intense experience followed by crap experiences. The good experience was the most intense experience I had, more intense than the rushes I got from IV Fentanyl after surgery in the hospital. I had over 100 percocets late 2009 which I began using recreationally. I did not become dependent on them due to spacing. Then we arrive at May 2010. That is when I learned about poppy pod "tea" I ordered a cheap tester batch nothing big and was floored with how high it got me. And so began a new era of my life.

So opiates are my drug of choice. I'm not ready to be sober yet. I am financially stable even with this pod habit, haven't had to pawn off anything or go hungry to maintain it thankfully. As I type this I am on a high thebaine content pod high that feels close to an oxycodone high -- stimulating rather than noddy and sedating -- the way I prefer. The cravings for benzos are gone. I look at how many benzos I bought and I really went a bit overkill but oh well I have them and will save them for legitimate purposes. Occasional, infrequent, spaced out use for real problems not to get the stupor. Some benzos worsen depression, this I know.

I also dabble in LSD and 2C-E for introspection and hopefully expansion of my spirituality and consciousness. I believe the former drug at least has major potential to bring about change in my life. However these are used on rare occasions. As a depressed person I must be naturally relaxed and upbeat to use LSD for the experience to be positive. Set and setting. My first LSD experience, 150ug, did not yield much. No visuals but I had mood swings where bottled up emotions came out all in the time frame of 10 minutes. I then felt like I was plugged in to a warm higher energy for the remainder of the trip, if you could call an experience without visuals a trip.

The first drug I ever used recreationally, aside from alcohol, was DXM in the form of syrup. The farthest I've gotten is a deep second plateau. I don't really care for DXM trips. I use it in therapeutic doses to keep my opiate tolerance from escalating too much.

Thankee-sai to all who have read. I don't know if I will continue to post blog postings, I am antisocial by nature, but I'll try.

not important any more

Whoops, fell off a bit on this.

Alots happened though, I'm going through group therapy now, thank god. (it was a bit of a struggle, getting my father to pay for it, hes an asshole, but thats neither here nor there at this point)

I did some vlogging, but it didnt seem too great, I might do the vlog thing again, but once I have access to a decent camera, and a place to setup a background and everything (I'm told your background on your video is the most important feature when vlogging)

Currently, its 6:38am and I can't sleep, and I havent been sleeping normally for the past 2 months.
I've been off dope for almost half a year, marijuana for 2 months, and I still smoke jwh from time to time.
But I'm still having alot of symptoms that one would associate with post acute withdrawal syndrome.
This is due to a wide range of factors, but mostly I dont have a support system thats worth two shits. I'm super isolated, but I'm working to change this actively:
Therapy
I'm going to start going to some meetings (just to meet people, I fucking hate the overall mentality of support groups)
Have some job interviews lined up.

GO ME!!!!
I literally have no one telling me good job or anything, minus my sister.

So, even if you dont really give a shit, I'd appreciate any comments whatsoever!
I could use the attention!
haha

I couldnt get motivated for the longest time, as that damn tiny ass bedroom Ive been stuck in with no closet or drawer space and all packed with Ma s furniture to boot just got too discouraging, leaving me no choice but to live in a mess that shes always fighting with me about. Finally, she asked me to leave and I say sure. I did let her know she could of just let me leave long before 3 different times while I had a cheaper place close to work lined up, but whatever. I had been without my painkillers 3 days and unexpectedly got them today, and damn thats just what the doctor ordered. They put me in a good mood then gave me the energy and the gumption to put a big dent into the project at hand - that room. Even on speed it seemed hopeless, but the pills helped me break my paralysis and get a shitload of work done. So now Mom left me moving out as "pending." Works for me. I have a small income only and I know she wants to continue to get paid blah blah so Im not freaking out, just requested to be given 30 days notice.

I told her I dont see the point in fighting anyway, so thats that. Thank you, pills. Downers tend. to have the opposite effect on me in moderate to small quantities, probably because of my ADD. In any case I'm glad.

I no longer care because it kind of hurts. I'm not really a pussy so I try to put it into perspective.

I'll stick to my online friends. Maybe actually volunteer at the soup kitchen instead of just talking about it.

Maybe its just how life balances things out? I've been so selfish for so long now maybe this is the universe's way of saying 'time to pay your dues'?

haha! It JUST happened again as I'm typing this! The phone rings, I hear 'Hey man, just calling to see how your doing... oh by the way... can you fix my computer?' these calls happen all the time from a bunch of people 'Hey! Just calling to say 'hi'... oh!... can I get a ride down the street?'

Don't call pretending you give a fuck. Just spit it the fuck out and get to the exact nature.

I dunno... fuck people, man. I thought I had more value than that. I'm just gonna focus on school and work and not bother getting close to anyone.

I know its not about me anymore but shit... don't fucking treat me like that.

Fuck it, man... I can be a fuckin' prick or I can be a somewhat okay person. All people make me feel like being is a prick anymore.

Who needs 'em?

I left New York City on Tuesday last week along with my youngest son whom I had fly here from Puerto Rico where he is now living (splitting time between Tampa, Florida). I rented a car and we drove to Nashville, Tennessee where my youngest daughter was having her Quincinera. Though she and her mum live in Nuevo Leon, Mexico most of her immediate family are in Nashville (and to a lesser extent Houston, Texas).

The drive took 15 hours straight, stopping for petrol once and to let my son use the rest room. Though we had been offered accomodations in one of her brothers homes (she has 10, 7 in Nashville along with her father), we agreed it was best to take a hotel room. After checking into Days Inn we met my daughter for brunch. It was a bit akward as my son and daughter had never met and are only less than 18 months apart. I gave her her main present, a diamond tennis bracelet which she appeared to love, and we spent the rest of the meal talking about trivial subjects and then we saw her home, making sure she arrived safely.

The next couple of days were spent hanging out including 2 afternoons in which we took in the sights as my son slept back at the hotel. I had brought some Lebanese red hash back in the city, 7 grammes, so he was enjoying a bit of that. Saturday was her big day and from Friday noon until the party we didn't see or talk to each other. That time was enjoyed alone with my son.

The party was decent, which it should be given how much I had to pay for the soiree (6,500 US, rounded off, not including her gifts). Yesterday morning we left Tennessee for New York and arrived late last night. I parked outside the methadone clinic (always fun having junkies banging on the window asking inane questions like, "My man, can I get a smoke?" Why would you assume I smoke? I never have as I find it disgusting." Usually this elicits a heated discussion.).

I dosed, got my 14 bottles, said my "aurevoir" and drove out to JFK, the main airport of the metro area's 5. Returning the car I saw my son through Check In for his flight to Puerto Rico and have ben awaiting my own Check In since.

His flight was 1105 AM (EST) so he will land at Aguadilla at 445PM my time. My Check In counter will open at around that time (5PM). I don't really mind since I have my Blackberry and Sidekick, watching TV, listening to music and talking to Joysa. She is nagging me to fly into Clark, the ex-military airfield in Pampanga Province. I told her don't even think of it because I would probably catch a disease in any plane using the airport. It services Angeles City, the largest red light district in all of East Asia. I hate the city.

I got a BL Warning over my last Avatar. It was a cartoon of a camel with a rocket in its mouth and its balls on a tree stump. An Arab in traditional attire is standing in back of the stump raising a sledgehammer as if to hammer its balls. The caption reads: "Hezbollah Rocket Launcher."

The idea is that Hezbollah's weapons are antiquated and cannot seriously challenge Israel militarily. The cartoon appeared in 2 Lebanese magazines.

I assume the Warning was because the Mod in question very ignorantly imagined it was derogatory against Arabs or Muslims. Had he thought it was derogatory towards camels I would tend to agree. As it is it merely serves am example of Mods who overstep their roles.

not important anymore

27514-08-5 , N-(4-Oxocyclohexyl)acetamide

3140-93-0, 2,3-Dibromothiophene

99583-29-6, 2 acetyl-1-pyrroline or (1-(4,5-dihydro-3H-pyrrol-2-yl)ethanone

183208-35-7, 5-Bromo-7-azaindole

1226776-95-9, 2-(5-aminopyridin-2-yl)-2-methylpropane

109838-85-9, (R)-2,5-Dihydro-3,6-dimethoxy-2-isopropylpyrazine

2938-48-9, 2,2 dimethyl glutaric anhydride

7589-35-7, 4-FMC, Flephedrone

132741-81-2, MDAI, 5,6-Methylenedioxy-2-aminoindan

3471-31-6, 5-Methoxyindole-3-acetic acid

947249-01-6, 2-Amino-3-(trifluoromethyl) pyridine-5-boronic acid pinacol ester

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About a year ago China Air, 1 of 3 airlines I use in transiting back and forth between the Philippines and other nations (Cathay Pacific being my alternative and when truly desperate the last is Cebu Pacific, a budget airline that makes Soviet Era Aeroflot look like a private jet) quietly announced that it would begin selling internet aboard select routes for 18 US per flight. I was pretty excited about it given that JFK to Manila is 23 hours in the air (plus time refueling in Alaska and switching in Tapei,Taiwan). The JFK to Tapei leg is 19.5 hours of dark flying. The entire time (almost) is at night since you are moving backwards on the clock. Because you fly east from New York, and because my flight leaves (if on time) at 1155PM it is still dark when we touch down in Anchorage, Alaska, and is just after sunrise when touching down in Tapei. It is a bit disorienting for people who don't take the route a lot, especially when they find out that flying east across the Date Line causes you to lose an entire day on the calendar. The 23 hours to Manila is 40 something hours on the calendar. I would imagine most inexperienced flyers freak out when they book their flight and are told that they will depart New York at 1155PM on February 7 and arrive 730PM on February 09 in Manila. Anyway, to my suprise, at Check In the girl asked me whether-or-not I wanted internet and I was soooo happy. It really does get dull watching the movies, etc that they have. When I began the route in the mid-1990s they had only 2 in-flight movies and actually used a pull down screen in the front of the cabin. If you were in a rear seat forget the movie. It is amazing how things changed.

So here I am, sitting next to an elderly Chinese lady with a beard, eating my pork fried rice meal with szechuan style shrimp and using the internet, not bad. Right now we are skirting Siberia though I cannot see it because of course I am in the afore mentioned perpetual darkness.

Check In is always interesting. The Philippine's largest export is its manpower (actually most are women, not sure if "womanpower" is proper English), with literally 60% of Filipino families having a close family member living and working abroad. Known as OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers) there is even a government ministries to deal with specific trades, merchant seamen, healthcare workers and so on.

Most work in menial positions. For example Saudi Arabia imports Filipinos to work at Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Creme (I don't know why but Saudis love their donuts), etc. The 4 US per hour they make in Saudi Arabia is 2 X what a labourer makes in a whole backbreaking day of work in the Philippines. Going abroad therefore is seen as a status symbol.

Usually they only visit home once every few years and so at Check In you see them all ecstatic about going home. Seeing spouses and children once every 3 to 5 years isn't easy.

In 8 more hours I will be in Taiwan and get the pleasure of putting my carry on on yet another conveyor belt. Interestingly the airport conveyors there have signs warning that methadone is absolutely prohibited. I am not sure why they would do such a thing, as if they have tonnes of methadone smugglers or something. So silly. I always bring the right paperwork with me and pack everything according to Regulations but that sign always irks me.

We collided
a starry force of light
when night and day occur at the same time
but in our twilight, so far apart
gravity cannot deny
but an illusion of physics
a vortexed heart.
-----
I don't know if life is living without you
Or the sun is warm or the starts shine and the world stops turning without you by my side.
I don't know if a man dies without a soul
or when love fades away a heart begins to fail.
I don't know if eyes become blind, when there isn't light. Or whether hands paralyze without feeling.
----
A time ago there was a girl with the world in one hand... and her heart in the other.
She read the signs
and felt the quakes of fault lines.
But never did she realize what everything would take. Or what was to be given.
Peering at the edge of her consciousness,
she thought how easy it was.. To get rid of it all.
To fall freely and end the mistakes.
When once she prayed to grow wings and rise like the mourning sun.
But night has over come.
---
A little flame not a burning fire.
She chose many things, to make the pain go away, but in the end she left herself for dead.

All she needed, all she needed, all she needed, was more than she could find than the world was able to provide.
And she has chosen.
---
Whose gonna save the wicked, wire the restless, and beat the tired? Bullshit that walks, talks, and breathes. Is this me?
A malcondition, some sort of harpy to the lord above?
Just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
because living ain't living without you baby
because living ain't easy when im on my own.
----
With no ground
a single drop
in an ocean of rain
with no island
to break this wave
and all the boys say
"She's beautiful"
and her loved ones believe
"She's brilliant"
But she doesn't know the reasons to it all.
No speech without sound.
No living without love.
No silence to suffer
or space between it all.
No mountains to climb
or emotions to overcome
It has won.

"No more food or sleep, maybe I'll disappear from me. Or I'll become pretty and someone might see me. Forgive me, free me, release me. I am the dust of me."