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not important any more

Whoops, fell off a bit on this.

Alots happened though, I'm going through group therapy now, thank god. (it was a bit of a struggle, getting my father to pay for it, hes an asshole, but thats neither here nor there at this point)

I did some vlogging, but it didnt seem too great, I might do the vlog thing again, but once I have access to a decent camera, and a place to setup a background and everything (I'm told your background on your video is the most important feature when vlogging)

Currently, its 6:38am and I can't sleep, and I havent been sleeping normally for the past 2 months.
I've been off dope for almost half a year, marijuana for 2 months, and I still smoke jwh from time to time.
But I'm still having alot of symptoms that one would associate with post acute withdrawal syndrome.
This is due to a wide range of factors, but mostly I dont have a support system thats worth two shits. I'm super isolated, but I'm working to change this actively:
Therapy
I'm going to start going to some meetings (just to meet people, I fucking hate the overall mentality of support groups)
Have some job interviews lined up.

GO ME!!!!
I literally have no one telling me good job or anything, minus my sister.

So, even if you dont really give a shit, I'd appreciate any comments whatsoever!
I could use the attention!
haha

I couldnt get motivated for the longest time, as that damn tiny ass bedroom Ive been stuck in with no closet or drawer space and all packed with Ma s furniture to boot just got too discouraging, leaving me no choice but to live in a mess that shes always fighting with me about. Finally, she asked me to leave and I say sure. I did let her know she could of just let me leave long before 3 different times while I had a cheaper place close to work lined up, but whatever. I had been without my painkillers 3 days and unexpectedly got them today, and damn thats just what the doctor ordered. They put me in a good mood then gave me the energy and the gumption to put a big dent into the project at hand - that room. Even on speed it seemed hopeless, but the pills helped me break my paralysis and get a shitload of work done. So now Mom left me moving out as "pending." Works for me. I have a small income only and I know she wants to continue to get paid blah blah so Im not freaking out, just requested to be given 30 days notice.

I told her I dont see the point in fighting anyway, so thats that. Thank you, pills. Downers tend. to have the opposite effect on me in moderate to small quantities, probably because of my ADD. In any case I'm glad.

I no longer care because it kind of hurts. I'm not really a pussy so I try to put it into perspective.

I'll stick to my online friends. Maybe actually volunteer at the soup kitchen instead of just talking about it.

Maybe its just how life balances things out? I've been so selfish for so long now maybe this is the universe's way of saying 'time to pay your dues'?

haha! It JUST happened again as I'm typing this! The phone rings, I hear 'Hey man, just calling to see how your doing... oh by the way... can you fix my computer?' these calls happen all the time from a bunch of people 'Hey! Just calling to say 'hi'... oh!... can I get a ride down the street?'

Don't call pretending you give a fuck. Just spit it the fuck out and get to the exact nature.

I dunno... fuck people, man. I thought I had more value than that. I'm just gonna focus on school and work and not bother getting close to anyone.

I know its not about me anymore but shit... don't fucking treat me like that.

Fuck it, man... I can be a fuckin' prick or I can be a somewhat okay person. All people make me feel like being is a prick anymore.

Who needs 'em?

I left New York City on Tuesday last week along with my youngest son whom I had fly here from Puerto Rico where he is now living (splitting time between Tampa, Florida). I rented a car and we drove to Nashville, Tennessee where my youngest daughter was having her Quincinera. Though she and her mum live in Nuevo Leon, Mexico most of her immediate family are in Nashville (and to a lesser extent Houston, Texas).

The drive took 15 hours straight, stopping for petrol once and to let my son use the rest room. Though we had been offered accomodations in one of her brothers homes (she has 10, 7 in Nashville along with her father), we agreed it was best to take a hotel room. After checking into Days Inn we met my daughter for brunch. It was a bit akward as my son and daughter had never met and are only less than 18 months apart. I gave her her main present, a diamond tennis bracelet which she appeared to love, and we spent the rest of the meal talking about trivial subjects and then we saw her home, making sure she arrived safely.

The next couple of days were spent hanging out including 2 afternoons in which we took in the sights as my son slept back at the hotel. I had brought some Lebanese red hash back in the city, 7 grammes, so he was enjoying a bit of that. Saturday was her big day and from Friday noon until the party we didn't see or talk to each other. That time was enjoyed alone with my son.

The party was decent, which it should be given how much I had to pay for the soiree (6,500 US, rounded off, not including her gifts). Yesterday morning we left Tennessee for New York and arrived late last night. I parked outside the methadone clinic (always fun having junkies banging on the window asking inane questions like, "My man, can I get a smoke?" Why would you assume I smoke? I never have as I find it disgusting." Usually this elicits a heated discussion.).

I dosed, got my 14 bottles, said my "aurevoir" and drove out to JFK, the main airport of the metro area's 5. Returning the car I saw my son through Check In for his flight to Puerto Rico and have ben awaiting my own Check In since.

His flight was 1105 AM (EST) so he will land at Aguadilla at 445PM my time. My Check In counter will open at around that time (5PM). I don't really mind since I have my Blackberry and Sidekick, watching TV, listening to music and talking to Joysa. She is nagging me to fly into Clark, the ex-military airfield in Pampanga Province. I told her don't even think of it because I would probably catch a disease in any plane using the airport. It services Angeles City, the largest red light district in all of East Asia. I hate the city.

I got a BL Warning over my last Avatar. It was a cartoon of a camel with a rocket in its mouth and its balls on a tree stump. An Arab in traditional attire is standing in back of the stump raising a sledgehammer as if to hammer its balls. The caption reads: "Hezbollah Rocket Launcher."

The idea is that Hezbollah's weapons are antiquated and cannot seriously challenge Israel militarily. The cartoon appeared in 2 Lebanese magazines.

I assume the Warning was because the Mod in question very ignorantly imagined it was derogatory against Arabs or Muslims. Had he thought it was derogatory towards camels I would tend to agree. As it is it merely serves am example of Mods who overstep their roles.

not important anymore

27514-08-5 , N-(4-Oxocyclohexyl)acetamide

3140-93-0, 2,3-Dibromothiophene

99583-29-6, 2 acetyl-1-pyrroline or (1-(4,5-dihydro-3H-pyrrol-2-yl)ethanone

183208-35-7, 5-Bromo-7-azaindole

1226776-95-9, 2-(5-aminopyridin-2-yl)-2-methylpropane

109838-85-9, (R)-2,5-Dihydro-3,6-dimethoxy-2-isopropylpyrazine

2938-48-9, 2,2 dimethyl glutaric anhydride

7589-35-7, 4-FMC, Flephedrone

132741-81-2, MDAI, 5,6-Methylenedioxy-2-aminoindan

3471-31-6, 5-Methoxyindole-3-acetic acid

947249-01-6, 2-Amino-3-(trifluoromethyl) pyridine-5-boronic acid pinacol ester

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Usages: Used for chemical ingredients or intermediates in medecine synthesizing.
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Hello. Welcome to my blog.
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About a year ago China Air, 1 of 3 airlines I use in transiting back and forth between the Philippines and other nations (Cathay Pacific being my alternative and when truly desperate the last is Cebu Pacific, a budget airline that makes Soviet Era Aeroflot look like a private jet) quietly announced that it would begin selling internet aboard select routes for 18 US per flight. I was pretty excited about it given that JFK to Manila is 23 hours in the air (plus time refueling in Alaska and switching in Tapei,Taiwan). The JFK to Tapei leg is 19.5 hours of dark flying. The entire time (almost) is at night since you are moving backwards on the clock. Because you fly east from New York, and because my flight leaves (if on time) at 1155PM it is still dark when we touch down in Anchorage, Alaska, and is just after sunrise when touching down in Tapei. It is a bit disorienting for people who don't take the route a lot, especially when they find out that flying east across the Date Line causes you to lose an entire day on the calendar. The 23 hours to Manila is 40 something hours on the calendar. I would imagine most inexperienced flyers freak out when they book their flight and are told that they will depart New York at 1155PM on February 7 and arrive 730PM on February 09 in Manila. Anyway, to my suprise, at Check In the girl asked me whether-or-not I wanted internet and I was soooo happy. It really does get dull watching the movies, etc that they have. When I began the route in the mid-1990s they had only 2 in-flight movies and actually used a pull down screen in the front of the cabin. If you were in a rear seat forget the movie. It is amazing how things changed.

So here I am, sitting next to an elderly Chinese lady with a beard, eating my pork fried rice meal with szechuan style shrimp and using the internet, not bad. Right now we are skirting Siberia though I cannot see it because of course I am in the afore mentioned perpetual darkness.

Check In is always interesting. The Philippine's largest export is its manpower (actually most are women, not sure if "womanpower" is proper English), with literally 60% of Filipino families having a close family member living and working abroad. Known as OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers) there is even a government ministries to deal with specific trades, merchant seamen, healthcare workers and so on.

Most work in menial positions. For example Saudi Arabia imports Filipinos to work at Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Creme (I don't know why but Saudis love their donuts), etc. The 4 US per hour they make in Saudi Arabia is 2 X what a labourer makes in a whole backbreaking day of work in the Philippines. Going abroad therefore is seen as a status symbol.

Usually they only visit home once every few years and so at Check In you see them all ecstatic about going home. Seeing spouses and children once every 3 to 5 years isn't easy.

In 8 more hours I will be in Taiwan and get the pleasure of putting my carry on on yet another conveyor belt. Interestingly the airport conveyors there have signs warning that methadone is absolutely prohibited. I am not sure why they would do such a thing, as if they have tonnes of methadone smugglers or something. So silly. I always bring the right paperwork with me and pack everything according to Regulations but that sign always irks me.

We collided
a starry force of light
when night and day occur at the same time
but in our twilight, so far apart
gravity cannot deny
but an illusion of physics
a vortexed heart.
-----
I don't know if life is living without you
Or the sun is warm or the starts shine and the world stops turning without you by my side.
I don't know if a man dies without a soul
or when love fades away a heart begins to fail.
I don't know if eyes become blind, when there isn't light. Or whether hands paralyze without feeling.
----
A time ago there was a girl with the world in one hand... and her heart in the other.
She read the signs
and felt the quakes of fault lines.
But never did she realize what everything would take. Or what was to be given.
Peering at the edge of her consciousness,
she thought how easy it was.. To get rid of it all.
To fall freely and end the mistakes.
When once she prayed to grow wings and rise like the mourning sun.
But night has over come.
---
A little flame not a burning fire.
She chose many things, to make the pain go away, but in the end she left herself for dead.

All she needed, all she needed, all she needed, was more than she could find than the world was able to provide.
And she has chosen.
---
Whose gonna save the wicked, wire the restless, and beat the tired? Bullshit that walks, talks, and breathes. Is this me?
A malcondition, some sort of harpy to the lord above?
Just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
just put me down gently
like the bitch that i am
because living ain't living without you baby
because living ain't easy when im on my own.
----
With no ground
a single drop
in an ocean of rain
with no island
to break this wave
and all the boys say
"She's beautiful"
and her loved ones believe
"She's brilliant"
But she doesn't know the reasons to it all.
No speech without sound.
No living without love.
No silence to suffer
or space between it all.
No mountains to climb
or emotions to overcome
It has won.

"No more food or sleep, maybe I'll disappear from me. Or I'll become pretty and someone might see me. Forgive me, free me, release me. I am the dust of me."

I have been drinking so much more lately.
Sometimes its just a few glasses of wine at night to wind down- and one night I Was out to get trashed to celebrate my 30th Bday........
But there have been a few nights here (like last night) that I drank way too much and spend the entire next day suffering from it.
I was told to slow my roll by a wise man, and I think he is right.
Time to slow the heck down........
Can't stand these headaches.

The insomnia is going to drive me to a crazy house. Maybe it's my deviated septum, maybe it's just my body adjusting to sobriety; I just can't remain asleep. I think if I'm dreaming, I'm experiencing something called "REM" but I'm still really tired when I wake up.
Physically, I'm feeling better. No more chills!!! I just need to keep reminding myself how much worse it was in the beginning. Another day another dollar.

Talk about the "OJ" of creativity. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to contribute when I'm put in social situations. Time seems so precious to me now. It's worth more to me than anything materialistic. Time is a man's best friend. Dogs come second Biggest improvement? I don't have to poop every 5 seconds. Thank goodness! "Keep on keepin' on".

My head is spinning, my heart is pumping and consticting and all those feeling of old attraction become in the light of day again.

I dunno what to think or do or say.

What do you say after you find your very first boyfriend again online after 15yrs?

Damn, i can't believe I just looked over this page to see if I have a filter option to make it friends only being paranoid he would read this. haha.

Not saying i want that again, not saying I am attracted to him still. Just the shock of acidentally finding him online was a shock. More so after TRYING to find him 5 years ago and couldn't so I gave up. Now I was goofing around on a site and put something in that was from a movie and his picture pops up. I get curious and message him -- its him.

not sure what to think or do. wow.

funny how life works out.

Fate or truely just accidental? not sure. I would like to think fate as we are all meant to meet people again after losing touch. What path it takes is all up in the "stars".

On another unrelated matter, WTF is up with Facebook? Password issue this morning. Its changing password on people. What the heck? My bestfriend also said it happened to her, so its not like it was just me.

Weird. Life is.

What are you gonna use to celebrate the upcoming game/day?

To say i have been feeling down as of late would be a big fucking understatement. Yesterday everything came crashing down in one big pile of regret. Nothing but thoughts of regret, missed opportunities, missed chances and just plain rotten luck of the last year. I thought i was having a nervous breakdown because it all hit me at the same time like a sack of bricks. All those missed opportunities and regrets of things i could have done seem so much more depressing on a sunless sunday afternoon somehow.

It just seems that i have nothing to look foreward to in this coming year at all not compared to last year. This time last year i had a plane ticket bought to go meet my g/f and i was as happy as could be. I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet and perhaps i was atleast for a little bit. I thought i would never see this place again once i got to the airport and i gladly kissed it goodbye. But luck being what it is or fate if you can call it that had different plans and i was back on this fucking rock by the spring. Why couldnt i have stayed out there and have some sort of life for myself? Why couldnt something have gone my way? It was not even my fault that things got fucked up and perhaps that is what makes me so pissed off about it. It took months, a few hundred alcoholic beverages and a fair share of blow and opiates to beat it into my fucking head that it was not my fault. But it does not seem to make it any easier.

So i have felt like someone trapped in a prison cell since i came "home" again. It certainly does not feel like home anymore that is for sure. Ive been in a manic frenzy on and off since i got back pretty much. Either that or wallowing in a pit of despair that seems bottomless at times. I have to get out of here ASAP beg, steal or motherfuckin borrow.

The only peace i seem to get these days is when i am asleep or too high to notice im miserable. Solace in the needle. Spike a vein, draw blood, shoot it home and im at peace. All my problems go away. For a few hours anyway

This will so weird! I lapsed this passed november since december I have beeen shooting everyday for two months now. Every single time I shoot up I throw you. With in 5 mins im vomiting uncontrolably. I stay naucious anywhere from 5-18 hours. I feel will sick I don't feel the high most it the time I'm losing a lot it weight and I look sick all the time. I tried shooting smaller hits, eatting before, eatting after, i heard taking fiber helps, it didn't. I even used different types of dope, even snorthing gets me sick. Ive trief EVERYTHING but I'm still sick. Why does this happen to me? HELP!

(I posted this the other day but deleted it shortly after. I was in a negative space when I typed it. Kinda went against my 'personal rules' for Blogs in deleting it. For good or bad, my feelings are my feelings and are a snapshot of myself at a particular moment. It is what it is)

I'm hoping this particular perspective will pass and that it isn't a reality. I sense it is truth.

I've come to realize that I'm the only one that can do anything about my personal life challenges and that I have to deal with them by myself. Essentially, people don't want to hear it.

I get support and can reach out to people that I have never met but I have been refraining from that. Besides, its pretty fuckin' sad that my real friends are screen names on BL and the occasional voice on the phone from long distances away.

This teaches me about personal responsibility. If I fail to do what is necessary than I am the only one to blame for the consequences. When I do manage to do what is required in the day-to-day I benefit from the results. I'm okay with this. Its simple and its something every person in existence experiences.

The perspective? Its one of loneliness. I got this... you can fuckin' bet on that, but, I sure would like to share the positive with folks regardless of their disappearances during the negatives.

I guess the positive is being shared, just not in a way that I am accustomed to.

I dunno... being aware that it is all up to me, that I gotta handle my pains without bothering folks is making me strong but it is also making me colder.

Expectations, man. They cloud my rational thought. Everyone does things in their own way. I just hate the selfishness and immediate conclusion from others that 'I got this'.

Fuck it, man. Do we really need others in our lives at a personal level? I think it is more of a 'want' than a 'need'. My responsibilities are my 'needs'. My 'wants' may happen later in this game.

Take care of shit 'now' for a better 'later'. Everything else (friendship, hobbies, fun, etc) are just extras. They'll come later.

My foundation is built and its strong. Those other things will hold strong on that cement some day. I hope I will have resolved my resentments towards others when I'm ready to build.

I forgot to tell everyone that i got a new PFT testing and blood gasses and all those lovely tests and apparently lungs can heal themselves because my lungs are at 90% again, I'll never be 100% because of my reconstructive palate surgery and my post nasal drip and skin fusion of my palat to my tonsils.

I'm just happy that either the first 3 tests were wrong or that my lungs somehow healed.

Oh and the new x-ray showed nothing like the first one did. Last one looked like someone with emphazema. This one, nothing abnormal.


Long long life ahead of me, unless I get hit by a bus tomorrow. lol.

woaaah i av spent all day listenin to dubstep and LOVIN it. runescape has been high on the menu too...that tune tho. bar 9 shut ya mouth and a lot of stuff by datsik. its all awesome. lovin it, had a wicked night at the best friends last night, drank a bottle of vodka and enjoyed the vibes. gotta do it more often! thinkin i gotta piss off and make some tea now. grrrreat

crisis - a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])


What crisis brought me to recovery?

This is going to be long but fortunately I have always kept a journal as well as posting my misery online. Below (in blue italics) is the trend that brought me to NA:

07-21-2008 19:42

Its gettin' bad

Fuck! I had a nice run of banging coke. My connect was cool with fronting massive ammounts ($50 and $100 at a time). I was able to keep it going for about 3 months, eventually owing about $10k. Dude knew me when i was succesful and had no idea i was flat broke. I talked the talk and it worked for a bit. Now he wants his loot (can't blame him) and I don't have it.

I kept on telling myself "it's cool, i can always sell this and that". Now i'm actually thinking of a second mortgage. More immediately, I plan on hitting the pawn shop just so i can give him something and, more importantly, see if i can use the cash to hopefully get something to jam in my arm (actually feet and legs).

I know the drill... if i get more, i'll just be in the same spot after its gone. What then? I only have so much of value to pawn off (i still haven't paid my bills either). What the fuck do i do?!?!!

The easy answer is just STOP. It isn't that easy. How do i get over the obsession of getting another hit. I fucked myself by enjoying the "neverending" high for so long. Its almost like having a credit card and just buying shit without care because the money isn't something you can grasp.

People who have kicked this shit, how did you gain the strength and motivation to stop? I have none. I'm fucking weak as shit when it comes to sticking coke in my veins. I fantasize about it, talk about it, and cruise the internet to read topics about it. How the fuck did you stop?

07-21-2008 20:46
Thanks for the input. I did was able to stay clean in the past through NA for 5 year spurts. My meeting attendance stopped and soon enough I was back using again. After 5 years i started feeling like a "normal" person and then... the shit hit the fan.

I know what needs to be done but i'm having a real hard time with it. its the damn obsession.

Dude won't do anything harsh concerning my debt, i helped him in the past with a free place to live for 8 months. The most i'll have to worry about is the factg that i lied to the dude and hear his complaining. He was good with it when i ran the tab but now he needs loot.

I tell myself i'll go to the gym, sleep all day, drink or anty number of things to distract myself from the shit but the fact that its so easy to get is making it tough.

I know i sound like a pussy and lots of people have been able to kick it no problem but fuck how do you get it out of your mind and how can i stop being such a pussy about it?

07-23-2008 02:58

Originally Posted by Dxmmonster
No man you dont sound like a pussy. Almost everyone here on this forum has had addiction problems. It's soo natrual to be afraid to face reality. No drugs means actually dealing with problems in life.

Fuckin sucks, I just suddenly realized the other day that I was fully addicted to tramadol and NEEDED it to live a normal life... the second I realized that, it scared the shit outta me even tho I was high at that time.

Sorry for all the negative vibes in my post, just hope you get through this shit.
Peace out

Click to expand...

I didn't catch any negative vibes from your post. What i like about BL is you get honesty from folks who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose. We lie to ourselves so much that we need people to reign us in and say " your full of shit and you know it. This is what ya need to do"

I'm doing ok I suppose. I did an 8ball last night which (compared to $400/$500 a day) is an improvement. Today I did about a gram and a half, popped ativan and OTC nighttime sleep aids with vodka to knock me out.

I'm going to make a commitment to journal each day in the hopes that putting my feelings/need on paper will help.

I'm still a pussy though, I cried (the blubbering type of cry) today. Self pity and realization that I destroy or run away from good things has brought me to this point. I never craved a fucking hug before but I would have traded my car for the opportunity to hug/hold someone who understood while i just cried and absorbed some sort of human closeness

We are thinking my son has ODD and possibly ADHD. They also want to test him / evaluate him for bipolar as well.

He has attacked just about everyone he knows, violently but not overly violent. Just slapping, punching, kicking, biting, yelling, defiance to anyone in athority. Attacking class mates, kicked one kid in the head that was supposedly a good friend and who NOW they play well. He is an authoritan, he has to be in charge and ording people around all the time, and if things don't go his way he freaks out and cries and/or hitting, running around, yelling, defiance. Also in his OLD class (they had to switch him, more explanation to come) class he used to make a loud BEEP noise, run around and hide, mouth off and swear, try to run away from class, and have his evil little laugh and think its all a riot. No care for anything but himself.

He has done just about everything short of trying to kill himself or anyone else....with a weapon that is.

He convinced his bestfriend to get scisors and to cut the screen window on a 2nd floor bedroom out and to jump out. Thanks be to whomever is up there, they got caught by my BFF's husband. He threw a screwdriver at my head the other day.

His behaviour has been in a lull for a couple days, I suspect this weekend it will flair up again because he see's his dad.

He has a file with an orginization I cannot mention, and not CAS/CPS, its an organization that helps kids with serious behaviour issues in our city. I only don't mention it because I don't premote anything unless someone needs help of the same services.

I worry about him though, I worry about him being put on meds, I worry what he'll become because of his issues but I know that at least I am tryign constantly and he is recieving loving care and guidance from me and that's all I can do asa parent is guide him in the right way and lead by example.

Kids with ODD are scary man, heck my own kid can be scary at times. Not when he's hitting and stuff...just this last time throwing a screw driver at my head. Now I have to report it to the psyche in the morn and I worry that they might form him.

Well, we'll see.

Well, I have been 1 year clean this month. It hasn't been overly easy but not really much temptation to fall off the wagon. Lately though with having some pretty strong PMS its induced some stress and so in turn I am feeling the erge to get high and just mellow out but I haven't yet and I don't plan on to. I have nothing in my house to get high anyhow, not even a tylenol around here.

I got a new puppy today!!

[edit: took picture down due to size]


She's the one looking into the camera.

Ok, for most of my life I have been underweight. I was 100Lbs from 16yrs old until 1999 when I had my first kid. Then after that kid I went down to 120Lbs for 3 months and then back to 100Lbs after that. i was 100Lbs until 2004 when I got preggers with my 2nd kid and went down to 110Lbs after I had him, then back to 100Lbs 6mos after i had him. Then was 100Lbs until July 2009 when i went up to about 112Lbs, then in Sept/Oct 2009 I started using drugs and doing pills so I went down to 96Lbs. When I stopped doing that crap in Jan 2010 I went up to 105Lbs. Then by Summer 2010 i was about 115Lbs. Then I moved out here and by october 2010 I was 121Lbs.
I haven't weighed myself since then but I have definately gained at least 3-5Lbs.
I have water retention / swelling, fatique, increased appitite, weight gain, ongoing period then no period (sorry tmi).
Yeah, no I am not pregnant. Something is going on. Maybe too much salt? My iron is low side of normal...maybe that needs a slight fix. maybe its something hormonal...
I walk each day but not enough to swell.
This started in December when I DID have a pregnancy scare but Im not preggo. So I am all WTF?!
I am seeing my Dr. soon to get whatever this is pinned down.
bah, I hate being this much weight but I know its good for me. **shrugs**

Well, some definite changes in how I see and approach things now as compared to when I was getting high are recognizable of late.

Back then, it was all about immediate results. Now, now, now... me, me, me. All that did was postpone all the feelings and avoid all the realities that I couldn't handle.

Now, it is the complete opposite (mostly). I recognize that patience is necessary and that long term results don't materialize until later (imagine that?). I now accept that groundwork must be laid and that what I do today sets the future in motion. Yeah, I get down at times but these blues are shorter in duration and have always been alleviated by the results of present actions.

Its interesting how the two lifestyles are in direct opposition to each other.