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One of the great things about Youtube are the feature length films and documentaries people upload. 2 days ago I managed to re-watch an award winning American made documentary that I had seen on PBS (the American public television network) on a visit to the US 3 years ago.

It follows a Vietnamese born Ameriasian girl who had been taken to the US on the terribly managed US Govt. programme- almost a scam- "Operation Stork." To win points with the voting public then President Ford ordered US Airforce C130s to ferry the children of US servicemen that had been left to rot in Vietnam by their asshole fathers to America. Many were orphans but some, like this girl, had loving mothers who were browbeaten by volunteer American social workers who had been flown into Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City today) to co-ordinate the bloody mess. In one infuriating clip you see a Mid-Western bred social worker telling this loving Vietnamese mother that she should convince all mothers of mixed-race children to surrender their children since "it's best for them." Then, as an afterthought she sees this woman's cherub like son, less than 3 years old, looks at him and says, "You're so adorable! Yes you are! Wouldn't you love to go to America? Yes you would!" She then turns to his mum and asks in a demanding way while smiling, "Would you like to send your son also? Can we take him?" Most SE Asians will smile when asked a question directly by a foreigner, a way of showing respect. You can see this mother's expression change when she pieces together what this woman is asking of her despite trying her best to maintain that smiling facade.

The programme had very early on switched from Ameriasians fathered by Americans to simply dealing with any cute child under the age of 8. Using private American adoption companies who began charging "processing fees" to manage this travesty, it erupted into big business. Women were told their children would be returned to Vietnam and their loving families when things got safer, and some like this girl's mum were told that America would soon be returning to the country to defeat the Communists and would be bringing the children with them. The only paperwork they were given was a single page mimeograph that told them to direct any and all inquiries to the US Government (suuuuuure).

This took place in 1975 just as Saigon was falling. The mother here had been told by other Vietnamese that when the Communists entered the city, in effect winning the war, they would execute all collaborators and likewise throw their mixed race offspring into bonfires. Between that manic gossip, shelling on the edges of the city and these browbeating Americans the woman in question surrendered her 6 year old daughter, "Hien."

The mother had been a married mother of 3 young children, almost infants, when her husband announced that he would be enlisting in the Southern Vietnamese military to "defend" their nation. Instead he joined the Viet Cong (Communist insurgents tied to the Northern Vietnanese). However she would not know what really took place until years later because after leaving to enlist he disappeared and had absolutely no contact.

With no family to speak of, and. Now without an iota of support for her small children she acted upon a friend's recommendation and took a job as a maid (almost a slave) on the US base at Danang. Within a month a US soldier whom she "worked for" brought over a co-worker who had learned just enough English to communicate basically. Using the co-worker as a translator the American said that if she "loved" him he would make sure the whole family ate. She complied and within weeks was pregnant. Two months after discovering that she was pregnant by her American lover he rotated out, probably to the US but she isn't sure since he never contacted her again. By the time her daughter was 6 Saigon was about to fall, fearing the rumors she surrendered her daughter to the American social workers and never heard another word.

Soon after Saigon fell her missing husband cum Viet Cong guerilla returned home. Though he knew of her infidelity he didn't blame her and they reconciled. As time went on though she missed her daughter terribly and sent an unanswered letter to the adoption agency in the US she had almost given up hope. Still, she always dreamed of her, imagined her life now and more than anything she longed for her.

When her daughter flew to the US she was adopted by a single woman, an academic originally from Tennessee then living in South Carolina. Eventually they moved to the adoptive mother's hometown of Pulaski, borthplace of the KKK (Ku Klux Klan). Her mum became the dean of a Methodist College. Physically abused by the lifelong bachelorette (code for lesbian) life . While raised in a staid middle class existence but that was all about to change...

To be contnued

I met Joysa in Angeles City which is where she was living at the time. Here aunt, the former Japasuki, has a house there and bought Joysa's grandmother one next door, which is where Joysa slept. Her job was in Clark, the former American Airbase that has since been turned into an industrial empowerment zone.

I had taken a jeepney to go to the mall and she was sitting across from me. I didn't pay much attention because of her body. Angeles is Asia's, and perhaps the world's largest centre for the sex trade. It is the kind of sleazy place where women blow smoke rings our of different orifices, play with boa constrictors or simply play hide the salami for 5 US Dollars. There fore, seeing a girl in her early 20s with a decent face and huge chest naturally led me to peg her as a sex worker. I have never been with a "pro." I like to think it is because I can get it for free whenever I want it which all things considered isn't too far from the truth, but the truth of the matter is that I am anal retentive about honesty and sincerity. I just wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with a woman who couldn't care less what I am doing. I want to at least convince myself that she actually desires me.

Luckily for me I found out that Joysa is not one of "them." The fact that she works so hard in a licit occupation when she could very simply lay on her back (or get on her knees) and make many times more than her salary really attracted me.

Upon my return to Manila I of course met Joysa at the airport and we spent a couple of days at the studio I am subletting. I was shocked when we were lying in bed and Joysa began asking me simple questions in Hebrew! She had missed me so much that she had been spending her time studying Hebrew. However that shock was nothing compared to what I felt when I went with her to her home in Bulucan. Sitting with her parents her mum floored me when she teased Joysa about wanting to convert to Judaism!

Joysa is very light for a Filipina but it still is no mean feat to blush and yet she turned beet red (OK, not exactly "beet red" but you get my point!). Later when we took a walk I asked her about it and she confessed that she wanted to convert. I asked her why she wanted to do this? I suspected that she wants to marry me of course, but she merely said that it is because she sees that Islam and Christianity merely came from Judaism and that the foundation is the purer form of the True Religion. Shocked is too weak a word to describe my feelings and to a degree I am still suprised.

I explained that if she really felt that she wanted to learn more about Judaism and Jews I will arrange for her to take classes in Makati which is what passes for a "Jewish neighbourhood" in the Philippines. Including Israeli Embassy staffers there are less than 300 Jews in the entire nation. Yet we do have 1 synagouge and a Jewish resturant just opened up so perhaps she will get her wish.

While I was visiting Bulacan I met one of her mum's friends, an effeminate gay man named Jae. Jae does Cam Sex. For those who might not be acquainted with the term "Cam Sex," a person with a web cam charges a fee by credit or debit card and proceeds to pleasure themselves, or rarely engage in on camera sex with a partner.

Jae had a new customer, a 50-something lorry (truck) driver from Norway. This married man with children was so smitten with Jae that 6 days after first "meeting" him/her online the bloke flew to Manila! So here they were, at Joysa's house holding hands and gushing sweet nothings to one another. Joysa is 3/4 Tagalog, the ethnicity indigenous to Central and Southern Luzon, the Manila area (she is 1/4 Kapampangan, the ethnicity indigenous to Pampanga, the province where Angeles City is located). I mention this because I have very little experience with cultures outside of the Central and Southern Philippines. In Mindanao gays are ridiculed and if they kissed and held hands they might be killed, especially in the bush where I live. In Bulacan though, it was as if nothing unusual was taking place.

The Norwegian man was supposed to stay 5 days but by day 3, the day I first saw him, he had called his wife to inform her their marriage was over and then began trying to get an extension on his visa. So strange to me, the difference in attitudes in different Filipino ethnicities.

It was time to head south last weekend. I felt like flying, 1 hour beats 2 days on a ferry, but monsoon is crazy this year. Mindanao was flooding and no planes were flying to the island so a ferry it was. Nothing of note there. I'm thankful for my Blackberry (and my International Plam yay!) But still, it gets old after awhile.

Arriving home was uneventful though at about the same time I was entering our compound there was an attack on the other side of largest rice paddy. Those who remember my pics in the late and lamented BL Gallery MAY remember a pic of me eating a very sour fruit in front of a palm tree and a gigantic emerald green rice paddy. That is our largest paddy. It is almost a kilometer long. On its southern edge is the municipality of Trento. At a checkpoint there the NPA (New Peoples Army), the Maoist insurgents, $achine gunned 6 people, killing 3. Good to see shit hasn't changed (sarcasm). Most worrying though is that a new Islamic Insurgency has begun. The MILF's (Moro Islamic Liberation Front) 105 Base Command (equivalent to an infantry brigade) has left the MILF and become the nucleus of a new and even more extreme group, BIFF (Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom Fighters). So, I have spent a couple of days ordering some recoiless rifles and 2 M60s for our group (BULIF, aka Bungkatoal Liberation Front), just to keep things at status quo.

Finally going to stock my goat farm, I am going to Bukidnon Province over the weekend to buy 5 pure breed bucks though I am considering 2 breeds. You would think by now I would have decided.

Other than that, switched back to morphine since my methadone finished, am taking 360 mgs of instant release tablets, 180 at breakfast and 180 ae between 4 and 5 PM.

After arriving back in the Philippines I spent almost 3 weeks in Makati, at the studio I am subletting. Lately I have been looking at expat websites and am always amazed at how stupid many Westerners are. For example, this guy asked advice, "My monthly income is 1,200 US a month," will I be able to survive there?" Of course I don't expect Westerners to live like so many locals in thatched huts, etc., only that IF they manage to make their way out of their comfort zones they and their pocket book will me all the better for it.

I sublet in the Rada Regency, a luxury building popular with embassy staffers on Rada Street. It is 1 of the country's tallest buildings (it was THE tallest until quite recently), has mega armed security, rooftop pool with an amzing ciew but the one ammenity that thrills my Filipino guests more than anything is a private pedestrian bridge to the Makati Malls (4 luxury malls all on 1 tract). I don't know why THAT is such a thrilling to Filipinos. I took Joysa (my new squeeze) to the pool one sunset, "Ooooh, Aaaaah," she liked the view but when we went to the cinema later that evening it was that private footbridge that had her breathless!

Joysa was born and raised in a squatter slum in Bulucan, on the other side of Metro Msnila. Built on estusries the slum floods every high tide. In Mindanao, when homes are built near the water they are placed on stilts,actually over much of SE Asia it is the same. In Bulucan though they done bother with that, they simply build as if there are no tides. When high tide comes the result is more than a meter of water so that everyone lives on their second floor and doesn't leave the house unless it's an absolute emergency. I have only ever seen this in 1 other place, a slum in Jakarta (Indonesia).

Her dad, 3 years younger than me (she just turned 23) delivers fish meal. Owners of aquacultural ponds (fish and shellfish farms) pay him to deliver 80 kg sacks of fish meal. He has a crew of 6 men but he isn't very assertive and makes the huge mistake of being friendly with his subordinates. A heavy partier, they get drunk together quite often and the result of course is that they have no respect for him. He found out 2 weeks ago that 2 of the men had gone to the main fish pond owner and lodged major complaints.

In SE Asia "face" is an important concept. If your men do not respect you you are considered ineffectual. Nobody wants such people working for them. Then, at the end of last week he was suddenly given a 2 month layoff with little warning and of course feels he has been fired.

In the Philippines there is no Social Welfare Net to speak of. There is a government sponsored health plan (PhilHealth) that provides the most rudimentary healthcare (I wouldn't trust my livestock in a government run hospital here) but there is nothing in the way of aid for the unemployed or struggling. There is no real Middle Class to speak of though white collar professionals CAN be a weak equivalent I suppose.

Joysa lives with her parents and a brother who is 21 years old, which means their house is empty compared to neighbours who often have as much as 30 people, sleeping in shifts. When it is high tide life is confined to the second floor. They have cable. 1 person on the street opens a legitimate account and more than a dozen houses feed off of it with all of them paying a portion of the single household bill. Most hack into the electrical grid and the result is frequent fires. As for hygiene, well, your personal waste runs through pvc pipes directly into the river, that same river that is flooding your home every few days, you get the point.

Joysa is a great girl, very sweet, somewhat intelligent, not ugly (great body, biggest chest I have ever seen on a Filipina and Rizza was stacked) but those things mean little to me. What impressed me wad her work ethic. I mentioned it in earlier entries but for the same of my point wiLl repeat a bit; A maternal aunt was a "Japasuki." Japasuki or young attractive Filipinas who are offered jobs as "Entertainers" in Japan. You would be amazed how naïve and gullible Filipinas can be. Told they will "sing and dance" in nightclubs, despite not even taking a year of ballet lessons they jump into it.

Agencies charge a year's salary (with slight variation) payable in advance, and hold onto all your papers so that a naïve young Filipina feels she has no choice but to suck it up (double entendre if ever there was one). The lucky few become mistresses of much older Japanese who "buy" their freedom from the Yakuza (Japanese Organised Crime) who run this billion dollar industry.

Joysa's aunt was bought early by such a man and gave him a daughter. When the man died she was free to return home. The money she had accumulated bought her a beautiful home (even by Western standards), and supported scores of relatives. It was this aunt who paid for Joysa to attend a 2 year college for secretarial skills.

In the Philippines high school usually ends at age 16, not 18 and so at 18 Joysa entered the working world getting a job as a transcriptionist and encoder at a call centre. Usually, when Americans call a customer service number they are talking to someone in India or the Philippines. Joysa's job entailed typing out recordings of customer service calls so that trainers could use the transcripts in exercises. Encoding meant affixing a numerical code for the randomly recorded calls. Working 6 days a week she worked from 9PM until 8AM.

By Philippine standards the job was great, 2 free meals in the corporate cafeteria, and pay equalling 220 US a month, 52.50 a week. This is A LOT here.

I will continue because of the character count...

In a newly started quest to unveil the true nature of things...

Am so pissed off with Drama!
I am so sick of it, and people who wield it threatening you with emotional bullshit
Have had it!
Have had my own problems, there comes a time when whinging about your issues and then hiding behind other people just has to get old.
When does an Adult start to take responsibility for themselves and stop using people as pawns to hide their addiction.
This is sick!

I came on Bl for some support and am now finding the pecking order is more important.
Apparently just because I dont cry victim, I will be the one who ends up looking bad.
There has been certain discrepencies in my correspondence with someone where I told them that they should stop bullshitting themselves, I also added that I was beaing honest and WAS saying it out of concern for the person at hand.

This person is in thier mid twenties, an ADULT is blaming me for self-harming themselves.
This person has showed me on a few occasions that they are FAR from compassionate when it comes to their 'Friends' IRL, I tried not to judge at the time but when someone can be callous, and go run and pretend they are like a child, there is something drastically corrupt.

I DONT like talking crap about people but I feel I have already been blackened by this person and since they have alot of peoples sympathies, and tend to Spin things in their own favour. Im just putting my point down.

They tell you what a 'good friend you are', how they 'Loved me' and then let on to others like they barely knew me. Affter sharing all of my experiences, some which are similar, for some reason they still seem to treat me like a second rate on BL. Yet blow smoke up my ass when in private.

I have been manipulated like shit for the past five years by someone who had an addiction, I try everyday not to hurt myself and its a fucking struggle...really is, I might not always go singing about it in BL because im afraid il go under the more I bring attention to it... to be honest am just tryin to stay fukin positive...and I have this person throwing ALL there shit on me constantly,
and Im meant to pretend that they are RIGHT?

I will not talk to a grown adult like a five year old, just because they act like one, I feel this person is getting worse because they have control of everyones sympathies here and I am not willing to buy into that game, especially if it means the person is going to keep harming themselves, NO Way! Am not going to baby someone into being stuck. Am sorry this person used my reaction to make excuses about who made them feel bad and decide to tell everyone and play the martyr.
I in NO WAY intended to hurt the person and made that very clear to them, if anything Im the one who had way more to lose...should have kept my mouth shut but am sick of having to censor myself because of emotional blackmail.

I have no presence at all, it's like i'm watching but invisible. This very sickly young boy (totally bald, chemo?) is wanting to do all this stuff before he dies. I don't think he knows that he's going to die. He's very curious and excited and wanting to see everything, and have new experiences, running around like crazy and full of hope.
Then he lies down and someone puts an oxygen mask over his face and he smiles because it feels so good. I guess he was going. It wasn't sad though.

Hello again. New name, new everything. My previous incarnation as 'gauchoamigo' has had to be dumped which is a pity. Great handle. But somehow when I got out of prison last August it should have been auto-deleted; I have found that it was hacked, by someone whose first language appears to be German, my PayPal account used for transactions in the region of €2,800 carrying on MY business, then emptied and many people scammed with inferior pills, fake pills, but mostly no pills at all.
Let me assure you that when I was busted with 8 or 9 packets 'ready to go' they were the ONLY pills never sent nor received. Not a single one of my packs has EVER been stopped at Customs anywhere. Two or three have been lost in the mail and I suspect another couple have been stolen, probably by Post Office employees, but overall I think that anybody who ever ordered anything recreational or medical from me and the now sadly passed on Alex MacLeod (Requiescat in Pacem) would have been pleased with our services.
Just before the bust I had been mailing a lot for a third party. I now know I had been under surveillance for some time.
The third party in question, one of the finest vendors of medicines for the anxious, the panic and phobia-ridden, and the insomniacs, remains the best businessman in Europe in that field, and clients were never too busy to comment on the quality of our product, which originated mostly in Hungary, Germany, Serbia, Slovenija and Macedonia.
I have one problem with this vendor whom I consider a friend, and that is it seems that in his country you are responsible for the loss of any confiscated substances. He wants me to pay him €1500-2000 which I assume are his losses. Here, busted goods are written off as a hazard of the business, Customs being different in different countries. I would very much like to deal with him again but my current financial position restricts me to my prescription.
Until we consider my next project, which is the sale of 'Fenamir', a proprietary brand of benzodiazepine, not exactly cheap. It is currently only available in three countries, all of the former USSR, and is best likened to a combo of alprazolam, clonazepam but with the very slow onset of action of oxazepam and the continuing anxiolytic effect through the following morning found with flunitrazepam and clomethiazole.
1mg tds is the recommended dosage on the Russian P.I.Leaflet, but I propose making 2mg tabs purely on the experience of my chronic and severe conditions. It is also the only BZD proven to help in opioid withdrawals. In smaller doses it is an excellent substitute for the usual chlordiazepoxide or diazepam used in alcohol wd where delirium tremens is either showing or a serious risk. Like clonazepam, it is licenced for use in seizures and 'status epilepticus'.
Why it has never reached the formularies of the West is beyond me, as it is one of the most useful and effective BZDs of all.
Once my export figures are seen by the correct agencies, I hope to be granted a Product Licence for the UK and other W.European countries.
And to think I went to jail in 2009 for the offence of 'being concerned in the supply of' various anxiolytics and hypnotics and ONE 30mg morphine pill.
Why can they not spend their massive POlice budget on going after criminals, not those unlucky enough to live in the most benzophobic and opiophobic country in the world, for once surpassing the US in its prohibitionary zeal?
Till next time,
Love peace bells and flowers from
ZABORAV

Nature nurtre's and Nurture is Nature.
This is the spirit of Essential Nature and I think we polarise the two, arent they really one force? We could not nurture if it wern't for Nature.
With regard to Human Nature, well what seperates us is the Human part which seems to mean to me, simply the Nature of a Species called Human; not much better than any other but being more evolved Physically and Mentally(which has a whole lot of positves and negatives).
Flawed creatures with a god complex, only flawed because of our god-complex.
If we can get rid of it would we be more like other animals...I rekon yes. This would be both good and bad. Our species would reject us though, we are burdened by our god-complex but it is something we try to intigrate so we can evolve, Spiritually. This is the plight and the battle. This is Evolution and the pain that is it's ensuing by-product. The pain we judge as 'bad'.

I rekon we love the beautiful essence of animals/plants so much because they remind us of ourselves but without the god-complex( the god-complex being: knowing we are 'better', 'stronger', having more control and awareness of what we are but all the same not being able to manage this power to it's full potential because we also know that we are so vulnerable) we know so much and we want to be like other animals; unaware of ourselves objectively. Living things rely on each other, we need them and they need us, so we love them, we value them and we suffer when we dont. They remind us of our beauty and we remind them of thiers. All little parts of a stream of matter and conciousness only divided by our subjective, perceived reality.

I guess one of the most beautiful enviroments, that I feel in awe of, is being in a wood/forest.
I feel like I am in the presence of God's when I'm standing amid Trees and all the incredible flora that hugs and scatters about them... and elusive, creatures that hide in it. Trees, remind me of the epitome of a perfect Androgyny; so gnarly, strong, resistant, protective and 'male' and with the light, fluid fronds of 'Female' leaves; swaying and communicating with the air, seemingly delicate veins that hide their resilliance, tapering roots stretching and clinging out and down toward the earth; appendage's reaching to sustain nourishment for the whole arboreal universe, sucking minerals and heaving it up toward the very tip, where its most victorious of parts stretches, full of chlorophyll and enthusiasm toward the sun-light. A delighted example of what this magical system has acomplished through its Nature/Nurture.
It's History encoded inside it's bark, rings of life, of a miraculous endevour to sustain it's own importance to this world.
Trees are strong, persistent, life giving nourishers. I am in awe of their beauty and of having some awareness of the science/Nature of their being here.
Enabling me to breathe, me enabling them to feed; a beautiful symbiosis that doesnt boast about it's majesty, it just is what it is.
I often feel this way with people too, although I'm often clouded by judgement and insecurities, there is something inside me saying: Im so lucky to be with you, to be in your presence; for giving and taking energy from you and you from me...
...and we're both standing here, living, beautiful and battling the god-complex.

Sobriety has taken me on quite a ride. It's been awesome in a lot of respects. I've noticed that I'm not as big of a bitch as I was and that things seem clearer and better for some reason.

But, boy oh boy, have I wanted to USE lately! When I found out the ex was getting remarried (divorce isn't final yet!), it sent me into a really big low. I feel like I'm not a human, more like a thing. A thing that was tossed away when no longer needed. And I want to escape from feeling like this.

I have no desire to date or pursue a relationship, since I'm not only getting clean, but also because I'm still heartbroken. I've dated a bit here and there, yet I end up breaking it off because the guys I meet are not what I would consider healthy for me.

I attract bums, plain and simple. If you were to see what I look like (can't due to professional reasons), you would wonder why the hell I date the guys I do. But they are the type I attract. Jobless, ex-cons, no direction in life are the type I attract. Even before I began using.

My ex is a big example of bum. Emotionally abusive, controlling, refused to work and then exaggerated his medical problems just to collect disability. He wouldn't shower for 2 weeks at a time. Because he needed a caregiver and also made my life miserable if I did get a job, we survived on the disability (which he squandered away in only a few days' time) and my parents supported us.

But I still loved him. He was also my source for seemingly unlimited amounts of drugs. 180 10 mg lortab, 60 mg MSContin, gabapentin and even some ambien. And when I was obedient, he was caring and loving toward me. Since I had no friends (I wasn't allowed), he was my only friend.

I've made friends since the separation and have tried to keep a positive attitude. I'm even in therapy every week. But I feel so low, so worthless, so goddamn HURT! I wonder if I will ever allow anyone back into my life again.

I wish the hell I had a lortab or SOMETHING right now!!!

The new theme will be NATURE!!


One of my favorite subjects!!



Please include in comments any more ideas for future themes! Let's keep them going!!

I have been drinking way more than I can handle, of late. Havn't had anything this evening because I have work tomorrow and I drank last week; was like a zombie at work - I cant afford to sabotage work.
I use it alot when I am trying to eat right so its kind of a cross addiction. Also my ex is out of my life and there is a huge loss of self(as I had defined myself), as well as ensuing boredom as he was an addict/alcoholic and took up much of my emotional time.

Im finding it hard to not have any compulsive behaviours around to keep off my feelings at the moment. Im already starting to have an identity loss again and its fuking frightening. I dont want to dissociate from myself and can sense that im going on autopilot; which usually leads me back to drinking/binging.
I also am SO unbearably bored and need to get more into my life but dont know what to do/which thing I have the ability/confidence for.
With D around I felt like I knew who I was in relation to someone else but with him out of the picture I feel incredibly lonely, redundant and pissed off.
Suppose Il have to be patient and see what unfolds and work on it; as it reveals itself.
Am just starting to become jaded and I dont want to feel nothing only struggle, have been stuck in that before for far too long.

Also noticed how I, in the past week, have watched every episode of fuckin Intervention obsessively(its ridiculous) I think I miss the Drama of D, although its embarassing to admit that.

I have an OCD nature in respect to alot of things, I think this is part of my Bulimia, without Bulimia I am SO Bored-I have nothing to preoccupy my mind with that seems to be urgent enough, I guess thats a good thing and I have to start trying to relax and accept it.
I have spent most of my life dealing with my Mothers sense of dramatic, intense, urgency that I still try to replace it with something.

Got to try to keep my eye on keeping myself Mature, balanced, healthy, wise and focused on my potential career.

Tonight, before I address the topic of nature I will catch up and address the topic of friendship.

I am blessed to have many close friends - not close as in intimacy, but close nonetheless.

So I will speak of my friend IRL. Yes, she has a real name, but for anonymity purposes, I'll call her "Buckwheat" because that was the name of her horse when she was a child.

Buckwheat the person is my partner in crime. We joke about unicorns and life in general. One BLer has met her and knows that Buckwheat and me can get really obnoxious. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm surprised we haven't had the cops called in; we don't do anything illegal but OMFG are we loud. Buckwheat doesn't do any drugs. We don't even really breach the peace. I am the darker blondie from the South, and she is the lighter blondie from Washington State. We somehow manage. She is definitely the pretty one.

Buckwheat and I have mandatory quiet and listening hours. We are the best support system that has ever existed.

We're taking it to California next month - shit, I need to change my flight. Buckwheat isn't afraid of anything. I can trust damned near anyone with my bankcard (well, that one), but Buckwheat can bust into my room at anytime to borrow clothing or makeup or whatever. We get sick together and we aren't afraid of tackling the difficult issues.

I made Buckwheat Eggs Benedict today. I do make myself useful at times.

Buckwheat has to work for the first part of my journey home. It's a 10 hour drive, which Buckwheat would make, but we'd have to take my car and I would be forced into half the drive.

I did challenge myself with driving today. I did perfectly. This terrain is unforgiving and easily at any moment it could go differently. But I needed to go get Buckwheat what she needed. It wasn't very far and I was being a pain. It was pissing rain and I didn't want to. I did it anyways.

Buckwheat is going to fly to California when she chooses. No ponies or cars involved. I swear she'd ride a golden palomino if she had her druthers. *facepalms*

Buckwheat is my friend, my sister, and I know she'd ride that golden palomino if it came to that. The world is an extremely weird place.

T-15 until I go back to Cali. Buckwheat and I have plans for this Friday; we've both gotta work. I'm introducing Buckwheat to my other friend Katie who is about like I am.

Posa and Buckwheat: for the win. She'll have to ride the pony, though. I'm not down with the rodeo.

Buckwheat.

i wish i knew how to be angry and not say anything...

sometimes i overwhelm myself and become completely difficult and argumentative. i can see now that it's not what's around me but how i handle what happens. i dont like myself because of this and that in itself gives me a "why bother" kind of disposition. i have nothing to be depressed about, maybe a little stressed but nothing that should enrage me to a point of tight breathing. i live with the two i love most in the world, the ones that understand me and love me. i come from and have a great family. a sort of distorted one but what family isnt? i love them and we work together and get things done. i have a house with a laundry chute, i have an art room and a back yard. why am i so sad deep inside? what's with this terrible, unknown weight tugging at my heart strings? it has afflicted me since i can remember, just a knowing of unknown sadness.
i cant explain what goes through my head when i get like this. mostly downward remarks about myself and my petty accomplishments then it jumps to damning myself for self pity. sometimes it feels good to hate me, kind of like punishing myself for not doing a good job or saying the wrong thing. i think about how i may have judged someone that day and how much easier it is to judge myself. then i proceed to judge every single thing about myself. i dont like this but i cant help it. i cant help it and it pisses me off because it's pathetic and unhealthy. all of it. my personal sadness and rage and self ridicule is way too demanding and destructive to others. i have been trying. god dammit have i been trying but it's tiny steps in a long direction and my lungs have given out.


why think this way? i have no idea and if anyone has any clue how to change my thinking id like to know. i get panicked and my chest fills like it's caving in.

i dont know
im just down and out for no reason at all and i cant even see what needs to be fixed or let go. im creating problems that havent happened yet because of problems that have happened in the past. there has to be a reason why im so angry...and im worried it's just because im a bitter person.

I saw Shaman today. Not really but it felt like it.

I took a nap this afternoon and the dream I had was fucking AWESOME! It was a clear, bright day and Shaman and I were playing and walking (without a leash). Dude was laughing and he got to play with some kids.

There wasn't much to this dream other than the pleasant feeling it gave. It truly reminded me of a mini vacation/visit with my friend who seems to still be around. It seemed real, made me happy, and the feelings still linger.

Thats all I need

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i'm a guy (probably or a short-haired lesbian) and i'm with a girl in what seems like a spaceship. she looks like Pocahontas and is very sexy and enthusiastic. says we need to hurry to see the sunset. i figure we're on another planet or something, and the sunset rushes around us at a great speed, jumping around and through mountains and valleys
when it's over i see we're not on a ship at all, but just standing on some sand dunes. there are people all around but the proportions are messed up because some are huge and some are tiny. there are camels plodding through very deep sand.
we go back to these houses, that look like the houses in greece or lebanon. she tries to lead me down the stairs, she is so enthusiastic and happy to be with me, leading me everywhere. i feel like i love her very much but i'm afraid to lose her because i'm not as happy and vibrant as she is. i seem unable to speak and tell her this, i feel like i'm just below her, moving in slow motion.

I experienced what I would call ny first 'real' episode of mania yesterday. I've thought for some time now that I was bipolar. Month up, two months down kind of situation with a few 'normal' days in-between. sorry if anything is spelt wrong or something doesn't make sence Im typing on my phone an quiet frankly my fingers are too fat for a smart phone. So back oh track... I felt like I had a spoon full of speed, rode a roller coaster for half an hour an then strolled into work. It felt great, I had so much energy an so much work to use it on. I was working on my own so that was okay but when I was talking to my boss I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying, I was talking at speed I couldn't even process. That's all I have to say at the moment. I posted this for personal recollection and for the enjoyment of others.

it's been an interesting time here

thanks for all the PMs, comments, and other acknowledgment

life in general and OCD like tendencies tells me this is the end here. 2,500 posts concluded with a shitty joke, this my 20th pointless whiny and depressed blog entry, at least 3 introduced members including a mod, 4 and a half years as a member, and nearly arrested once as a result as my posts (suck my dick again bitch)..

DragynFyr is retired. If anyone needs me who can't find me on other boards, PMs here might be received through my email if I remain active.

Stay Safe
~peace

So my extraordinarily paradoxical life, to be realistic about it, is rolling along somewhat decently these days. I'm not generating much in terms of economic activity. I got a job sitting at the door of my local Guitar center. That's actually where I am at the moment writing this blog.
I wanted to start blogging to engage my writing muscle more frequently, but Guitar Center blocks all free blog hosting websties and facebook, so bluelight is the best option I have at the moment.
I'm trying to write a surrealistic ballad just for the hell of it because I found two chords that I like together. That, this, and practicing songs for my new band is what I am going to do all shift. In addition to make sure nothing gets stolen.

ok so i am lying here with my girl.. thank god she is sleeping cause i accidently broke a major rule of snuggling... i didnt know this was a rule but alas it is... DO NOT try n get naughty when snuggling partner is dead ass asleep, if they wake up and find ur hand where it shouldnt be that can be an interesting situation... also do not smoke cigs while snuggling... do not drink booze either... some how i managed to break all the rules tonight.. i dunno how but i did... a good thing TO DO while snuggling is gently tickle all the right spots in hope snuggling partner will wanna get naughty with you... usually works if you do it right.. also letting snuggling partner know your horny with out telling is a good technique as well.... i am too faded to continue this but i will add on as i break more "rules" of snuggling.. hahaha

So. Felt like putting in another entry. I've obtained some 0.2mg Buprenorphine, it was given to me for free from someone who had been tapering, and he told me to promise him not to give them back no matter how badly he asks. I agreed. I dosed 1mg and had an oxycodone-like high. Then I remembered oh shit these are antagonists too, and have a higher affinity for mu. So no pod tea for me for awhile. Ah well, at least I didn't get precipitated withdrawal.

I tried a mixture of JWHs with a plant material base. I can't get specific about its contents as it would reveal a vendor. Anyway, it was my first time tickling the cannibinoid receptors. I dosed a bit much and had paranoia of my hands swelling (they weren't but something kept making me THINK they were) as for the positives, well, I felt like my head was shrinking and my body felt like it was moving forward even though I was still. Weird body buzz that was, I'd say it was fun though.

Phenibut and opiates are not a fun combination. Phenibut totally took the pleasure out of a pod tea high and just made me nod out more. Of course, everyone's body is different. Just posting an anecdotal report.

So now as the Buprenorphine wears off logic gets to wrestle with drug cravings for pod tea and I wait for the antagonism to cease. "DRINK!" "But it would be a waste, I took Bupe" "DRINK!" "But it.." and so on.

Yes, I'm a psychonaut, always sane and safe though. Research research and more research.

I'm excited about things to come. I'm also impatient. Like many addicts, I want what I want right NOW! Its not about me anymore, though.

In general, I feel good about life. I really don't have it that bad considering the self-destructive, self-indulgent, self-centeredness... SELF SELF SELF.

I have a low paying part-time job, a somewhat supportive family, a very caring and compassionate friend, an amazing dog, a car and a roof over my head. Asking for more would be pretty fucking greedy.

I start school next week and if my estimation of time is correct, I will have the qualifications to start an entry-level position in a rehab in a year and a half. It won't pay much but it will provide enough to live, not in luxury, but a simple, peaceful life.

I'm really not concerned about money in the future. Shit, I'm an addict. Addicts always find the means to get the things they desire. Besides, I'm pretty handy with technical aspects and that ALWAYS pays well.

Hmmmmm, why did I write a paragraph about money? Perhaps I am concerned about income? Not really for me but I want to be able to help those I care about pursue their dreams. I know for certain that 'M' deserves to have her dreams realized and, if the future has us together, I'll do whatever it takes to help that.

I don't obsess much anymore, which is pretty cool. I attribute that to my meds. Typically, I analyze the fuck out of EVERYTHING but not so much anymore.

In general, I feel rather good. Life doesn't have to be painful. Life is just what its supposed to be...

I suppose the true test of my newfound strength was tonight. I went over to the exes place to take his cat to the emergency vet. When I got back, I had the opportunity to steal from his "pharmacy" of pills. The guy's on everything, it seems. Morphine (the 12 hour stuff), lortab and gabapentin. He went outside and I started sweating. I knew those damn pills were there. I picked up a bottle, which ended up being a potassium supplement, but quickly told myself to stop. I walked right out of that room and left. I'm glad it was a vitamin bottle I saw, or I wonder if I would have succumbed to my old ways.

I sure thought about it, though. I kept thinking of how much pain I'm in and how great it would be to have a little relief. But I know that there is no such thing. One leads to two, two leads to three and so on. I have taken 6 at a time when my tolerance gets to that point. I suffered through the WD's and still have moments where I feel like shit.

BUT!

Even though my sneaking behavior is still there, I can celebrate the fact that I stopped myself this time.

Also celebrate-worthy...

My "stoner buddy" texted me tonight and asked me to come over and smoke some weed. I told him no thanks, that I was committed to sobriety and bid him a good night.

Somehow, I think my first step, which was getting out of that awful marriage has given me a newfound power and strength. I walked away with nothing more than my pets, clothes and my pride to escape a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It also cut off the source of the seemingly endless free drugs. They were replaced with a valid prescription, but I feel that it's time to let go of that demon.

I won't lie and say that I don't miss those goddamn pills or the weed! But I will say that I know my life is going to be much better without them. I have some big plans for the future and I'll be damned if I screw it up over some stupid pill.

But, I'm stubborn. And it is exactly what I need to be right now. Stubborn enough to not let my guard down no matter how much I crave, no matter how much I hurt. I'm in massive pain right now and I'm coping (although badly) with ibuprofen and my heating pad.

I may be the daughter of a Mom who was an addict, but I am also my father's daughter. My Dad is a tough old guy who refuses to take anything even after surgery. The part of my Dad in me is what's going to get me through this, because I'm doing it alone so far. But it feels great to have control again. Control to stop, control not to give in.

It's not over. I'm sure there will be more challenges ahead. But I'm taking it one day at a time and enjoying the scenery, which is very pretty without those damned pills!

I've decided to set up a blog with links to free electronic music tracks and mixes that I enjoy. All genres included. Most of these tracks & mixes are available for instant streaming. I'll be updating this post (semi-)regularly.

DNB, JUMP UP - High Times Jump Up Mix by VIP HACKS

HOUSE, FIDGET/WONKY - Absurge - Wonky Business

DUBSTEP - Big Basha - Fall 09 Dubstep Promo

I surrender to ye, Mistress Somniferum. I collapse into your warm embrace.

All those who have not danced with Her, know that She will own you. You are a safe as houses as long as you remember who is wearing the trousers.

O Mistress Somniferum, the dreams you show me in brief moments of nodding are always so pleasant. So vivid and beautiful and lucid dreaming.

Begone, GABA agonist demons! You do not come from Mother Earth!

Oh yes my honeymoon is reaching its peak. I love thee so, Mistress Somniferum. Skin so soft and embrace firm and ready to collar me with your chains that are sometimes invisible to me. I submit to thee.

Do not dance with her unless ye are prepared for full submission.

For she is truly the medicine of even Venus Herself.

Read closely my brothers and sisters, whom I love dearly though I know you not I feel connected to you. I do not glorify Her make no mistake I only describe my love and submission to Her.

Know Her power and know it well.

I am in paradise. And I know She will let me down slowly and carefully as always.

Ah my Goddess, take me your humble servant and make me feel normal.

I typed this as I nodded hard. Thank you Opera Spell Check or this post would be illegible for sure!