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i'm a guy (probably or a short-haired lesbian) and i'm with a girl in what seems like a spaceship. she looks like Pocahontas and is very sexy and enthusiastic. says we need to hurry to see the sunset. i figure we're on another planet or something, and the sunset rushes around us at a great speed, jumping around and through mountains and valleys
when it's over i see we're not on a ship at all, but just standing on some sand dunes. there are people all around but the proportions are messed up because some are huge and some are tiny. there are camels plodding through very deep sand.
we go back to these houses, that look like the houses in greece or lebanon. she tries to lead me down the stairs, she is so enthusiastic and happy to be with me, leading me everywhere. i feel like i love her very much but i'm afraid to lose her because i'm not as happy and vibrant as she is. i seem unable to speak and tell her this, i feel like i'm just below her, moving in slow motion.

I experienced what I would call ny first 'real' episode of mania yesterday. I've thought for some time now that I was bipolar. Month up, two months down kind of situation with a few 'normal' days in-between. sorry if anything is spelt wrong or something doesn't make sence Im typing on my phone an quiet frankly my fingers are too fat for a smart phone. So back oh track... I felt like I had a spoon full of speed, rode a roller coaster for half an hour an then strolled into work. It felt great, I had so much energy an so much work to use it on. I was working on my own so that was okay but when I was talking to my boss I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying, I was talking at speed I couldn't even process. That's all I have to say at the moment. I posted this for personal recollection and for the enjoyment of others.

it's been an interesting time here

thanks for all the PMs, comments, and other acknowledgment

life in general and OCD like tendencies tells me this is the end here. 2,500 posts concluded with a shitty joke, this my 20th pointless whiny and depressed blog entry, at least 3 introduced members including a mod, 4 and a half years as a member, and nearly arrested once as a result as my posts (suck my dick again bitch)..

DragynFyr is retired. If anyone needs me who can't find me on other boards, PMs here might be received through my email if I remain active.

Stay Safe
~peace

So my extraordinarily paradoxical life, to be realistic about it, is rolling along somewhat decently these days. I'm not generating much in terms of economic activity. I got a job sitting at the door of my local Guitar center. That's actually where I am at the moment writing this blog.
I wanted to start blogging to engage my writing muscle more frequently, but Guitar Center blocks all free blog hosting websties and facebook, so bluelight is the best option I have at the moment.
I'm trying to write a surrealistic ballad just for the hell of it because I found two chords that I like together. That, this, and practicing songs for my new band is what I am going to do all shift. In addition to make sure nothing gets stolen.

ok so i am lying here with my girl.. thank god she is sleeping cause i accidently broke a major rule of snuggling... i didnt know this was a rule but alas it is... DO NOT try n get naughty when snuggling partner is dead ass asleep, if they wake up and find ur hand where it shouldnt be that can be an interesting situation... also do not smoke cigs while snuggling... do not drink booze either... some how i managed to break all the rules tonight.. i dunno how but i did... a good thing TO DO while snuggling is gently tickle all the right spots in hope snuggling partner will wanna get naughty with you... usually works if you do it right.. also letting snuggling partner know your horny with out telling is a good technique as well.... i am too faded to continue this but i will add on as i break more "rules" of snuggling.. hahaha

So. Felt like putting in another entry. I've obtained some 0.2mg Buprenorphine, it was given to me for free from someone who had been tapering, and he told me to promise him not to give them back no matter how badly he asks. I agreed. I dosed 1mg and had an oxycodone-like high. Then I remembered oh shit these are antagonists too, and have a higher affinity for mu. So no pod tea for me for awhile. Ah well, at least I didn't get precipitated withdrawal.

I tried a mixture of JWHs with a plant material base. I can't get specific about its contents as it would reveal a vendor. Anyway, it was my first time tickling the cannibinoid receptors. I dosed a bit much and had paranoia of my hands swelling (they weren't but something kept making me THINK they were) as for the positives, well, I felt like my head was shrinking and my body felt like it was moving forward even though I was still. Weird body buzz that was, I'd say it was fun though.

Phenibut and opiates are not a fun combination. Phenibut totally took the pleasure out of a pod tea high and just made me nod out more. Of course, everyone's body is different. Just posting an anecdotal report.

So now as the Buprenorphine wears off logic gets to wrestle with drug cravings for pod tea and I wait for the antagonism to cease. "DRINK!" "But it would be a waste, I took Bupe" "DRINK!" "But it.." and so on.

Yes, I'm a psychonaut, always sane and safe though. Research research and more research.

I'm excited about things to come. I'm also impatient. Like many addicts, I want what I want right NOW! Its not about me anymore, though.

In general, I feel good about life. I really don't have it that bad considering the self-destructive, self-indulgent, self-centeredness... SELF SELF SELF.

I have a low paying part-time job, a somewhat supportive family, a very caring and compassionate friend, an amazing dog, a car and a roof over my head. Asking for more would be pretty fucking greedy.

I start school next week and if my estimation of time is correct, I will have the qualifications to start an entry-level position in a rehab in a year and a half. It won't pay much but it will provide enough to live, not in luxury, but a simple, peaceful life.

I'm really not concerned about money in the future. Shit, I'm an addict. Addicts always find the means to get the things they desire. Besides, I'm pretty handy with technical aspects and that ALWAYS pays well.

Hmmmmm, why did I write a paragraph about money? Perhaps I am concerned about income? Not really for me but I want to be able to help those I care about pursue their dreams. I know for certain that 'M' deserves to have her dreams realized and, if the future has us together, I'll do whatever it takes to help that.

I don't obsess much anymore, which is pretty cool. I attribute that to my meds. Typically, I analyze the fuck out of EVERYTHING but not so much anymore.

In general, I feel rather good. Life doesn't have to be painful. Life is just what its supposed to be...

I suppose the true test of my newfound strength was tonight. I went over to the exes place to take his cat to the emergency vet. When I got back, I had the opportunity to steal from his "pharmacy" of pills. The guy's on everything, it seems. Morphine (the 12 hour stuff), lortab and gabapentin. He went outside and I started sweating. I knew those damn pills were there. I picked up a bottle, which ended up being a potassium supplement, but quickly told myself to stop. I walked right out of that room and left. I'm glad it was a vitamin bottle I saw, or I wonder if I would have succumbed to my old ways.

I sure thought about it, though. I kept thinking of how much pain I'm in and how great it would be to have a little relief. But I know that there is no such thing. One leads to two, two leads to three and so on. I have taken 6 at a time when my tolerance gets to that point. I suffered through the WD's and still have moments where I feel like shit.

BUT!

Even though my sneaking behavior is still there, I can celebrate the fact that I stopped myself this time.

Also celebrate-worthy...

My "stoner buddy" texted me tonight and asked me to come over and smoke some weed. I told him no thanks, that I was committed to sobriety and bid him a good night.

Somehow, I think my first step, which was getting out of that awful marriage has given me a newfound power and strength. I walked away with nothing more than my pets, clothes and my pride to escape a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It also cut off the source of the seemingly endless free drugs. They were replaced with a valid prescription, but I feel that it's time to let go of that demon.

I won't lie and say that I don't miss those goddamn pills or the weed! But I will say that I know my life is going to be much better without them. I have some big plans for the future and I'll be damned if I screw it up over some stupid pill.

But, I'm stubborn. And it is exactly what I need to be right now. Stubborn enough to not let my guard down no matter how much I crave, no matter how much I hurt. I'm in massive pain right now and I'm coping (although badly) with ibuprofen and my heating pad.

I may be the daughter of a Mom who was an addict, but I am also my father's daughter. My Dad is a tough old guy who refuses to take anything even after surgery. The part of my Dad in me is what's going to get me through this, because I'm doing it alone so far. But it feels great to have control again. Control to stop, control not to give in.

It's not over. I'm sure there will be more challenges ahead. But I'm taking it one day at a time and enjoying the scenery, which is very pretty without those damned pills!

I've decided to set up a blog with links to free electronic music tracks and mixes that I enjoy. All genres included. Most of these tracks & mixes are available for instant streaming. I'll be updating this post (semi-)regularly.

DNB, JUMP UP - High Times Jump Up Mix by VIP HACKS

HOUSE, FIDGET/WONKY - Absurge - Wonky Business

DUBSTEP - Big Basha - Fall 09 Dubstep Promo

I surrender to ye, Mistress Somniferum. I collapse into your warm embrace.

All those who have not danced with Her, know that She will own you. You are a safe as houses as long as you remember who is wearing the trousers.

O Mistress Somniferum, the dreams you show me in brief moments of nodding are always so pleasant. So vivid and beautiful and lucid dreaming.

Begone, GABA agonist demons! You do not come from Mother Earth!

Oh yes my honeymoon is reaching its peak. I love thee so, Mistress Somniferum. Skin so soft and embrace firm and ready to collar me with your chains that are sometimes invisible to me. I submit to thee.

Do not dance with her unless ye are prepared for full submission.

For she is truly the medicine of even Venus Herself.

Read closely my brothers and sisters, whom I love dearly though I know you not I feel connected to you. I do not glorify Her make no mistake I only describe my love and submission to Her.

Know Her power and know it well.

I am in paradise. And I know She will let me down slowly and carefully as always.

Ah my Goddess, take me your humble servant and make me feel normal.

I typed this as I nodded hard. Thank you Opera Spell Check or this post would be illegible for sure!

Walking by this pool with Goggles (Alex) he's holding me under his arm and I think it's awkward since I don't like him. He's showing me the pool through the glass and telling me about hydrogen peroxide and it freezing. There is a water mill and it looks frozen and sterile. There's carpet below us and the hallways look like those of a hotel or a store like the big Forever 21 in Anaheim.
I'm trying to subtly get away from under his arm and there is another guy there who I don't talk to, I think it's DB's friend Rustin.
I don't really remember anything else, I kept being woken up by stupid ass drunk people.

I think the idea of a bog is that you jot down your day or events or how youre feeling as if chatting to someone... Is this so? I would quite like to give it a go. Sometimes I want to spill my thoughts and experiences to someone but never feel sure that they will care or keep confidence or just glaze over with boredom. I would hope that I can be witty or intelligent on ocasions, but would also like to have a rant or let off steam. So Is this the right place?
Bx

Neat how things work with this topic at this time.

I've been recognizing my lack of 'in real life friends'. Just don't have any. The only people I can call 'friends' are here on BL. Sad fact? I don't think so because these folks have HEART. They've ALWAYS been supportive, understanding and non-judgmental.

Check this though... I've been thinking of leaving BL. Sometimes I think it may be self-sabotage leaving a place that is so important and necessary to me. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking it is self-preservation. Shit, what if my BL friends stop liking and caring for me? I'll be FUCKED. Because of this, my fucked up rationale tells me 'leave them before they leave you'.

I could never become as good as these people. They are friends and they are real. I value them but I fear rejection so I withdrawal and run. That isn't how I typically do things so why now?

I have amazing friends. I've never met them but they are true and they are fucking AMAZING

Go with my friend Lisa (but she looks more like me) to this tanning salon, it's like in a big carpeted conference room with potted palms and white walls, very typical. She gets in the booth but it's not contained at all. Just lights, looks like a photo shoot. She's posing and i'm wondering how it's going to make her tan since it's so strangely made.
Then on a yacht making valentines this is like an assignment, we're only supposed to make one and i can't think who i should ask to be my valentine. I'm thinking about my friend Adam and also this random guy who I don't know or have ever seen in rl, but i don't really want either to be my valentine.
It's very hard cutting and pasting these things and my drawing skills are shit. The texture of the papers changes constantly, some are slimy, some are furry. I'm not really aware of who the people are sitting next to me, but I see my mom is there but it doesn't really affect me.
Another yacht comes by ours and my mom tells me despairingly that it's her old friend who decided to escape with her family. The yacht is horribly gaudily made and has a lot of statues inside much like the prows of viking ships, but they look like zombies due to the color and texture of their skin. The people inside all look fat and rather bored.
My mom tells me they're obsessed with the age of Aquarius so i ask if i can make fun of them and she doesn't care so i make this waving motion in front of them somehow not in the water or above it, but in between and not getting wet.
I'm unaware of the reactions of the people on the ship. I start thinking how i should tell them all that there is no god and that they're beliefs are stupid bullshit that's causing them to waste all this money and uproot their lives.
A young Jesse Jackson comes on the microphone across from me (i'm like right by the other yacht, he's on a platform by my mom) and says "THERE'S NO GOD!" I was so happy he said it and was like "YES. YES" pointing at him.
Again I'm unaware of the people's reactions but there is a fast forward to me sitting on the yacht again, no valentines, my mom no longer there. I see this pale girl with tattoos that look like wounds and diagonal lines across her body looking very ill, she almost looks possessed. I ask her if she's ok and she says "I'm just trying to stay mentally-put together."
I then see that everyone on the boat is getting pale and extremely ill, almost like from radiation sickness. The woman who works in the kitchen comes up also ill, worried about all the kids on board. I'm not sick at all but it's scaring me, feeling trapped with all these sick people, and wondering if it's because of the god thing, but thinking how improbable that is since I'm feeling fine. Then I wake up.

*ahem* quite a snotty pretentious topic to introduce here in my redundant opinion, the beating heart of harm reduction online, but it holds a few truths, as well as a few lumps of coal. read on if your heads bigger then a walnut:

(Revised 23 December 2010)

Bruce K. Alexander, Professor Emeritus, Simon Fraser University

3. There is no substantial evidence that the minority of drug users who do become addicted lose their will power, and strong reasons to think that they do not. This contradicts the weak form of the 2nd foundational element of the Official View.

Although it is sometimes convenient for street addicts to let police, their parents, or other power figures believe that they have lost their willpower or had their brains "hijacked", they are not, in fact, drug-zombies. Clinicians and drug counselors who listen carefully in situations of trust know that many people who are addicted to drugs, as well as other habits and pursuits, can explain in great detail why they lead the life style of an addict. They can detail the functions that their addictions serve for them, and explain why socially acceptable life styles are so difficult for them to achieve.[77]

This is not to claim that addiction is simply a matter of "free will". The freewill vs. determinism debate is an irresolvable philosophical dispute not only about drug addiction, but about all human actions. However, there is no substantial reason to think that addicted people have less control over their actions than anybody else, even though some of them sometimes claim that they are out of control, especially when they are explaining themselves to their parents or to a judge.

Some addicted people probably do sincerely believe at times that they are out of control and cannot comprehend their own behavior, but these beliefs are readily understood psychologically in terms of psychological attribution theory,[78] Freudian defense mechanisms,[79] or a simple desire to avoid being punished. Furthermore, addicted people are aggressively taught to believe that they are out of control by the omnipresent rhetoric of the Official View and of many treatment programs and self-help groups. The current doctrine of the Official View holds that any thoughts addicted people may have of not being out of control are themselves results of a disease process, such a denial, or drug-induced brain damage.[80] Many addicted people cannot bear to attend 12-step groups precisely because they know that they are not out of control.

4. Genetic research provides no substantial evidence of a genetic predisposition to addiction. This contradicts the 3rd foundational element of the Official View.

Addiction, like all other human activities is influenced in various ways by the shared genetic endowment of the human species and by the particular genetic complement of each individual. Therefore, evidence of some genetic effects on addiction is not surprising. However, neither the experimental evidence that hundreds of genes can influence the likelihood of addiction in some species and in some situations, nor the reports of substantial heritabilities of alcoholism from human adoption and twin studies comprise evidence of an inherited predisposition to addiction. Genes can effect various risk factors. For example, a gene that affects the sensitivity to a particular drug may make an experimental subject more or less vulnerable to addiction to that drug. A gene that affects one of the qualities expected in a particular human group, the absence of which predisposes a person to social exclusion, can increase the probability of addiction in the persons that carry the gene. These kinds of genetic effects could have measurable effects on the frequencies of some addictions in some situations, but they comprise no evidence at all for a genetic predisposition to addiction in general.

Moreover, there are many reasons to question claims of heritability of addiction of as high as 50% that have come from some human adoption and twin studies. These claims are being vigorously disputed by many biomedical researchers on a variety of grounds.[81] For example, there is no way to control for prenatal and perinatal stressors produced by alcoholic parents whose children serve as subjects in adoption studies. Such factors could have a major effect on future addiction which would be incorrectly counted as genetic variance, under current experimental designs.

5. Natural recovery is the most likely outcome of addiction. This contradicts part of the 4th foundational element of the Official View.

Large-scale field studies and clinical studies of "natural recovery" show that about three-quarters of the people who become addicted to a drug in their youth recover, usually without receiving any addiction treatment at all. More than half of them recover by the time they are 30.[82] The relapse rate for people who go through treatment is much higher than the relapse rate for those who overcome addiction without treatment.[83] This difference in differential relapse rate does not reflect badly on treatment, since the people who present for treatment are those who did not recovery naturally, and are therefore more resistant to change.

The basis of natural recovery without treatment is no mystery since so many case have been documented. Natural recovery occurs because people establish stronger relations with the community, or find a strong sense of meaning in a new life.[84] Addicted people who do not recover on their own fill the treatment agencies and social service centers. A large number are refractory to treatment, creating the illusion of a chronic disease, which has been incorporated into the Official View to explain the marginal success of treatment regimes built on its doctrine.

Click to expand...

--snip--

Conclusions and Speculations

All six foundational elements of the Official View are untenable, its scientific faith is illusory, and its medical promise is expiring -- like any long-repeated promise that has not been kept. The War on Drugs that the Official View tacitly supports is a cruel farce. Addiction is more accurately, usefully, and peacefully conceptualized by Dislocation Theory. It is time for a paradigm shift.

The Official View has maintained its hegemony over modern thought for too long. It has become entrenched, I believe, because it narrows society's understanding of addiction in a way that protects the modern status quo.

Historically, medicalization and criminalization of addiction in the 19th century were more than an attempt to solve a pressing social problem with the methods of medical science and moral exhortation. Medicalization and moralization served the largely unconscious function of reassuring an increasingly nervous population that the brave new world of 19th century modernity was secure. With addicted people safely labeled as diseased or immoral misfits, or both, and with the growing malaise of addictions conceptually limited to drugs, there remained no possibility of seeing that the rising tide of addiction was an understandable way of adapting to an impoverished social milieu. The realization that successful intervention would have to come more from societal change than from individual treatment or punishment became unthinkable. At the same time, major benefits accrued to the nascent treatment and pharmaceutical industries that devoted themselves to tirelessly seeking cures to the non-existent disease of addiction.

Click to expand...

--snip--

Harm reduction practice challenges some of the foundational elements of the Official View, most obviously because it usually does not envision the addicted person as sick or immoral, but rather as struggling to adapt to difficult circumstances in ways that are not always socially acceptable. The essence of harm reduction practice is not dispensing needles, condoms, and drugs. These tasks can be accomplished with vending machines. The essence of Harm Reduction is establishing ongoing, respectful relationships between addicted people and caring service providers.[152] Therefore the harm reduction movement may be expected to play a chasm-bridging role in the paradigm shift from the Official View to Dislocation Theory.

While recognizing the importance of treatment and harm reduction, Dislocation Theory of course puts the greatest emphasis on dislocation as a root cause of addiction and on fundamental social change as the most important means of bringing addiction under control.

Addiction is one of the windows through which we can view the widespread psychological malaise and the underlying structural problems of a tottering civilization. Addiction is not only a scourge for modern humanity, but also a teacher. Unfortunately, its lessons have been obscured by the stultifying presence of the Official View.

Click to expand...

[read full article]

now, i feel it's time you go to your room 21st century medicine, you've been a very naughty boy. no drugs, phone, computer or tv for 100 years. you can come down when you've cooled off 4-6 grays (400-600 rads)

raverholic4hardcor said:

u guys are so funny grow the fuck up u bunch of retards wats ur fuckin problem u really shud just take a look at yourselves innit!!!!!!!!! Haha ur so funny ur the biggest bunch of dickheads ive ever come across u dont know me u can fink wat u want ok wheres ur videos then retards come on really u try and compete against me on youtube nah cos u aint got the fuckin guts i dont come on ere to argue just fuck off innit,people like u lot do me fuckin head in ur the jellous stupid pricks who wanna cause arguments in forums ever heard of dis sayin watch who u fuck with??????

Click to expand...

8) :d

I have only a few friends and recently ended a 15 year friendship due to it being toxic for me.
I hit 30 and realized I'm in a no bullshit/no drama zone now. I don't want people in my life who are only going to focus on the negative and not face what is real......I don't want secretive friends or people who lie to waste my time. I have a couple girls in my town that I have been working on developing a friendships with and I find myself hesitant to fully trust.....I guess it comes with time?
Blah.Blah.Blah.

...or lack thereof!
I am aware that im a seriously over-sensitive person... trying to balance my need for friendship and protecting my fractured ego can be tough.

There are people I used to consider friends once, who are still in my life but I am resentful toward because I realise most of my older friendships were based mainly on a power structure(which I wasn't aware of at the time) so they are now kinda corrupted by that and I guess this is karma; because my(and their) past investments were pretty superficial(although I believed them to be otherwise at the time). I still feel 'hard done by' alot, I was a very wounded person and if I craved people as medicine, to fill a void alone- I deemed them 'friends'.

I rekon my idea of real friendship now really means me being honest with someone and not just playing a part, I realise now what I want and need alot more and also what I need to give.

But ya, friends...I hate that word
It has the same effect as 'picket fence' or 'size 0' on me...seems so unrealistic and unattainable but that is just the way I have come to judge it over the years, probaby because of experiencing chronic lonliness and emptiness.
Someone to connect with who accepts me in essence and respects our differences and I reciprocate- that's my definition, that I can handle.

Let's talk about FRIENDS.
(as suggested by OverDone)

We're taking suggestions for future rounds as well!
Suggest in the comments here!!

Now 7 months 9 days clean (totally abstinent):

The last 2 months a lot of stuff has happened!! I have been going through a little rough patch recently actually, but just this week turned a corner and feeling better. I hadn’t been sleeping properly. I would get to sleep fine, but wake up 2 or 3 times a night and either have trouble getting back to sleep or not get back to sleep at all. I am not sure what was causing it, but it was really doing my head in and I was quite stressed and depressed for a few weeks. I think it may still be p.a.w.s symptoms, but not sure. I am sleeping OK now though and have felt better for it this week.

I have recently rediscovered my passion for music, collecting, organising, and learning to mix and create it on Ableton. I was always into this, but my addiction just took over. For example I would spend months and months and months cataloguing MP3s, renaming them and ID3 tagging them in a very OCD way, then install something like Pro Tools or Ableton, just about be ready to start learning and getting into it, then one morning pawn my computer off to get a few bags of heroin. Now I can actually pursue this interest and not have to worry that at some point its all gonna end. I mean it is quite strange actually, not having to worry that something is gonna go wrong, I’m not used to everything going so right! I keep doing the next right thing and so far it’s working out pretty damn well!!

We got this sort of recovery club called Artheads in our town, which is great. It is open to anyone who has or has had problems with drugs and they run art classes, music classes, etc.. On a Friday night they have a DJ workshop, which I’ve been going to, there is someone who goes who is really good with Ableton so he’s been teaching me some tricks. It’s great getting into a hobby again!

Sent off to get my driving licence back, I was banned for 18 months, again because of drink and drugs. And I have bought a car! A little Peugeot 106, 1.1, R Reg for £320. Just need my license to arrive in the post and to sort out insurance and I’m on the road again. I really can’t wait. Wanna start doing something out of town at weekends with my friends, and also wanna get to some different NA meetings out of town during the week.

The hostel I live in are moving me onto a 1 bed flat! It’s not a council place, still managed by the hostel, but still having my own place is gonna be so good. This hostel is doing my head in a bit to be honest, can’t eat properly here, as the cutlery,plates etc always go missing, the other residents are all a nice bunch but when some of them drink they get all annoying and loud and messy. I don’t really see them that often, far healthier for me to not hang around with them. I need to hang around my clean friends, I think this is a vital part of my recovery, and through na I have some really close friends now who are in recovery too.

I got the job at the substance misuse agency! I had the interview and she would like to take me on as a mentor, after CRB check has gone through. I have a criminal record, but have explained it to her and they are ok to take me on. She is hoping to set up a recovery community in the town, similar to Artheads in my town (bury st. Edmunds). And I am gonna be running IT lessons, helping service users learn basic it skills like setting up email, word processing, etc and more if they want. Then hopefully have someone doing art, someone doing music, etc. Feels good to part of something that could potentially help people turn their lives around.

Gonna be doing a talk at a school next month with a friend in recovery. We’re talking about alcohol awareness, to a group of about 25 kids (age 14-16), very nervous, but I’m sure it will be fine and rewarding.

Been doing lots of NA meetings, and really enjoying them and getting a lot out of working a 12 step program. I did the main chair at 2 meetings recently, and it is really insane how far I’ve come, I mean me sitting in front of 30 people telling my story, I can’t quite believe I’ve done that. I mean I couldn’t look anyone in the eye 7 months ago!! Felt very good after doing the shares, feels good to think that my story may help someone else, give them some hope or inspiration, or look at something in a different way, yeah, very rewarding doing that, and it still blows me away how far I’ve come in terms of confidence, etc. I mean I still get nervous, heart pounding, etc, but im making an effort to not let fear control me anymore. I;m working steps with sponsor. Currently doin 1,2,3. Which in simple terms is: 1. Don’t pick up and understand why you can’t. 2. Go to meetings 3. Don’t make decisions on your own. I can feel this process having such a positive impact on my life, it’s really great!!

Yeah so even though I have been going through a little rough patch, I have achieved loads in the last 2 months. Just after typing this up I feel so much better as I can really see that I don’t need to let feelings control me anymore, but (sometimes begrudgingly) maintaining a program and doing the next right thing, regardless of how I’ve felt, its all gone well. By focusing on the positives I feel a lot better, I am really starting to think that positive thinking is a very powerful thing!

Back again soon!

Friends:
Friends are expressed as reflections of ourself. Things that we love, loath, value, and take for granted. Many people view them as commodity, or tools to be used. There are a few however that see them as people, and not "things". I can say throughout my life, I've had many friends. They pop in and out of my existence frequently, as I've had best friends at certain time periods . Aloof, but this is really the enigma described as my life.

Looking back now, the most alone I've ever been in my short 25 long years of life I can remember every make-your-face-hurt-laugh and the moments when I needed someone most but no one answered my calls. I've learned, as a sad lesson in life, no one can ever help you even if they did return your call, stop by randomly, make a surprise birthday party. I guess I dreamed that one day, the friendships I see on TV, so thoughtful and cherished I would experience one day. Don't get my wrong, I do have probably a handful of good friends like this, and I admit it isn't easy when they are across the country. As you get older, and maybe more fragile, it is increasingly difficult to hold onto friends let alone make them. Wherever I go, I always find someone to buddy up with, but what if I don't want to go anywhere, anymore? I'm tired.

I dropped about two or three weeks ago and ever since then, I haven't been able to get as high off of weed as I used to. I've tried to not smoke for a week so maybe my tolerance would go down-but even the first time I smoked after that week I didn't get that high
The high also felt almost suppressed, as if I am high, but there isn't any peak, and I don't feel that* different.
Any ideas as to why this is happening? is it a result of dropping lsd

I did not think this was necessarily CEP material, so I'm putting it here. I keep meaning to make some sort of meaningful update. I've been doing some traveling (more soon), a lot of reading, adjusting to new psych meds...

and I laughed for about 10 silly minutes when I read this article.

A popular former mayor of Fort Wayne, Ind., is looking likely to get passed over by a selection committee charged with commemorating a new government center, simply because of his name: Harry Baals.

Baals, pronounced like "balls," is the clear frontrunner in an online vote taken to gauge support for the various candidates, but on Tuesday, city officials suggested that they didn't want to humiliate the city by giving people a reason to snicker at the name of the structure.

"We love Fort Wayne, too. We're not going to make any decisions that look bad," Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy told the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, clarifying that a potential "Harry Baals Government Center" was "probably not" going to happen.

The beloved mayor, who's name is now pronounced "bales" by some, despite the fact that he used the "balls" pronunciation himself, served three full terms and eventually died in office during his fourth.

At least one descendant thinks the city should grow up and accept the results of the democratic process, which show Baals with nearly 6,000 votes, about 5,400 more than the closest runner-up.

"Harry served four terms and was a wonderful mayor. I don't know what the problem is," Jim Baals, the former mayor's grand-nephew told the Gazette. "I understand people are going to poke fun at it. That's OK. I've lived with that name for 51 years now and I've gotten through it. I think everybody else can, too."

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Just sent it to my retired boss who has an equally hilarious name. I can just hear him laughing.

Kids Voters can be so cruel!

Hello, I am an addict of Poppy Pod tea. The longest I've gone without them is 8 days. My physical withdrawal has always been minor due to the way I dose by spacing it out as much as possible. I am fully psychologically addicted to this though. I use it as an antidepressant and anxiolytic.

I also have been dabbling in GABAergics, or to put it another way playing with fire. I have more than enough to become physically dependent to the point I'd need a medical intervention to detox. I do not want this to happen so for the time being I am resuming my poppy pod addiction which chases away cravings for benzodiazepines.

I am still in the honeymoon phase of pods. I get high off them, especially when I am lucky enough to get ones with higher thebaine content. The morphine gives me a good body buzz. I am starting to look at myself however and realize that I am not in control when I wait for the postman to deliver my parcel of pods, I lay out the blender and line the trashcan ready to dump out seeds and process the pods as if it were some sacred ancient ritual I am conducting. I pace around waiting for it to arrive. This reinforces just how bad my psychological dependence has gotten. I do not blame the drug though, I made the INFORMED choice to get addicted to this, I always knew what the consequences would be. I take responsibility.

As I write this my tolerance went down a noticeable bit in those 8 days of dabbling in benzodiazepines including Flunitrazepam. I also used high doses of Phenibut, a potent GABAergic with an extremely long duration of action, too long for my tastes. I realized benzos were sucking me in and I must not allow myself to get addicted to these which cause seizures and other life threatening things upon withdrawal. So the big supply of benzos I shall reserve as escape hatches for opiate withdrawal insomnia, bad hallucinogen trips, etc. OCCASIONAL use for when I must be at social gatherings, a mild dose of a long lasting benzo to keep my social anxiety disorder pinned down. Never daily use. No.

Between the two, pods are the lesser of two evils so to speak. You don't need medical intervention to withdraw off opiates. I have medications for Diarrhea, leg cramps, insomnia, anxiety, strong NSAIDs for rebound pain. I have a goal of only using maintenance doses rather than get high doses.

May 2010 is when I actually became addicted -- and when I began using pods, but I used opiates recreationally before that. A couple vicodin here and there but not on a daily basis. Then I was dabbling in poppy seed tea and had one intense experience followed by crap experiences. The good experience was the most intense experience I had, more intense than the rushes I got from IV Fentanyl after surgery in the hospital. I had over 100 percocets late 2009 which I began using recreationally. I did not become dependent on them due to spacing. Then we arrive at May 2010. That is when I learned about poppy pod "tea" I ordered a cheap tester batch nothing big and was floored with how high it got me. And so began a new era of my life.

So opiates are my drug of choice. I'm not ready to be sober yet. I am financially stable even with this pod habit, haven't had to pawn off anything or go hungry to maintain it thankfully. As I type this I am on a high thebaine content pod high that feels close to an oxycodone high -- stimulating rather than noddy and sedating -- the way I prefer. The cravings for benzos are gone. I look at how many benzos I bought and I really went a bit overkill but oh well I have them and will save them for legitimate purposes. Occasional, infrequent, spaced out use for real problems not to get the stupor. Some benzos worsen depression, this I know.

I also dabble in LSD and 2C-E for introspection and hopefully expansion of my spirituality and consciousness. I believe the former drug at least has major potential to bring about change in my life. However these are used on rare occasions. As a depressed person I must be naturally relaxed and upbeat to use LSD for the experience to be positive. Set and setting. My first LSD experience, 150ug, did not yield much. No visuals but I had mood swings where bottled up emotions came out all in the time frame of 10 minutes. I then felt like I was plugged in to a warm higher energy for the remainder of the trip, if you could call an experience without visuals a trip.

The first drug I ever used recreationally, aside from alcohol, was DXM in the form of syrup. The farthest I've gotten is a deep second plateau. I don't really care for DXM trips. I use it in therapeutic doses to keep my opiate tolerance from escalating too much.

Thankee-sai to all who have read. I don't know if I will continue to post blog postings, I am antisocial by nature, but I'll try.