heavytime

i wish i knew how to be angry and not say anything...

sometimes i overwhelm myself and become completely difficult and argumentative. i can see now that it's not what's around me but how i handle what happens. i dont like myself because of this and that in itself gives me a "why bother" kind of disposition. i have nothing to be depressed about, maybe a little stressed but nothing that should enrage me to a point of tight breathing. i live with the two i love most in the world, the ones that understand me and love me. i come from and have a great family. a sort of distorted one but what family isnt? i love them and we work together and get things done. i have a house with a laundry chute, i have an art room and a back yard. why am i so sad deep inside? what's with this terrible, unknown weight tugging at my heart strings? it has afflicted me since i can remember, just a knowing of unknown sadness.
i cant explain what goes through my head when i get like this. mostly downward remarks about myself and my petty accomplishments then it jumps to damning myself for self pity. sometimes it feels good to hate me, kind of like punishing myself for not doing a good job or saying the wrong thing. i think about how i may have judged someone that day and how much easier it is to judge myself. then i proceed to judge every single thing about myself. i dont like this but i cant help it. i cant help it and it pisses me off because it's pathetic and unhealthy. all of it. my personal sadness and rage and self ridicule is way too demanding and destructive to others. i have been trying. god dammit have i been trying but it's tiny steps in a long direction and my lungs have given out.


why think this way? i have no idea and if anyone has any clue how to change my thinking id like to know. i get panicked and my chest fills like it's caving in.

i dont know
im just down and out for no reason at all and i cant even see what needs to be fixed or let go. im creating problems that havent happened yet because of problems that have happened in the past. there has to be a reason why im so angry...and im worried it's just because im a bitter person.

 

when you feel this way, try to pay attention to what might have triggered the thoughts. if you know what the trigger was it can be a lot easier to try to manage. i've found meditation and breathing exercises to be a huuuuuge help for depression and anxiety. i hope this helps

(the fact that you have a laundry chute is pretty effin win)

 

thank you and ill try to
i usually think about that after it's all over and done with then forget and dont pay attention the next time. everything sort of blind sides me and i dig myself in a hole.

lol my spelling
had to fix it
indeed it is severe win

 

I dont think its pathetic to judge yourself or others at all, we all do it!
Sadness is a great communicator(Even though it feel likes shit ). If your burdened by it, its telling you; your not paying attention to how you feel, in the right way. Maybe, you arent accepting yourself as you are? Maybe you or someone/something is thwarting/stunting you and your not seeing it?
However, if you feel you are being harshly aggressive in your judgement and it isnt leading you toward any insights but causing you pain and victimhood then, perhaps its time to challenge it rather than let it rule you.
I used to take my aggression out on myself too because I felt the exact same way, figured I would punish myself for being so 'disfunctional' and BTW Either Psychologically crucifying yourself or others is very distructive, one is not less benign than the other, essentially they are the same thing...they are polarising 'blame' which is a terrible obstacle to knowing the truth of whats going on. They are cruel and dont let anything progress.
Nevertheless 'blame' has to be expressed and dealt with, but hopefully, in the Spirit of being taken with a pinch of salt'( because we never really see the dynamics of whats going on, if we are entangled in blaming ourselves or others; in an effort to relieve the confusion of how we feel).
In a nutshell:
Welcome your Anger as a healthy benign expression of who you are, be honest about your feelings and own them as 'Yours', get familiar with them and let them be what they are without judging them(this way, they wont escalate or be thwarted and feared), get to know how you judge your own feelings and thoughts, Laugh at the crazy shit and most importantly foster compassion in yourself, for yourself/others. Compassion is the thing that allows you to fight for what you need and not get caught in the web of judgement, it'l give you strength and allow you to accept yourself and will hinder you from beating yourself up/falling into victimhood.
Good luck hun.

 

The little pit of sadness inside can be a bit puzzling sometimes. Even when life is going well, I know that it is still in there; if not currently expressing itself, then at least lying in wait for a moment of weakness. So when the moments come, as they always do, and always will, I have to try to remember to forgive myself for them, and remind myself that life is good. Often with wildly varying degrees of success, but that simply requires more forgiveness.

Your words are familiar to me, so I hope that one of my coping methods might work for you. It takes time to learn how to genuinely forgive yourself, but once you are able to (and are able to remember to), it can really help get past the dark times. The last person who should ever be damning you is you.

Also: nothing is permanent, so even the darkest of times will eventually pass as long as we don't hold on to them. Be well

 

wow
you guys really know your stuff
i got a little teary eyed and everything

i honestly didnt expect to get comments that would actually help but both have hit a bell. im still very sad but thinking about these things...it's just up lifting. i dont think i would be able to describe it anymore without it coming across as corny but the words meant a lot more to me than expected.

thank you both

 

^Yay! :D

 

As my labmate would say: "who doesn't like corn? Like, really? Nice and hot, fresh out of the pot, with a bit of melted butter on top? It doesn't get any better than that!"

Corn away m'dear, if it makes you feel fine.