I'm just... Blah

Sobriety has taken me on quite a ride. It's been awesome in a lot of respects. I've noticed that I'm not as big of a bitch as I was and that things seem clearer and better for some reason.

But, boy oh boy, have I wanted to USE lately! When I found out the ex was getting remarried (divorce isn't final yet!), it sent me into a really big low. I feel like I'm not a human, more like a thing. A thing that was tossed away when no longer needed. And I want to escape from feeling like this.

I have no desire to date or pursue a relationship, since I'm not only getting clean, but also because I'm still heartbroken. I've dated a bit here and there, yet I end up breaking it off because the guys I meet are not what I would consider healthy for me.

I attract bums, plain and simple. If you were to see what I look like (can't due to professional reasons), you would wonder why the hell I date the guys I do. But they are the type I attract. Jobless, ex-cons, no direction in life are the type I attract. Even before I began using.

My ex is a big example of bum. Emotionally abusive, controlling, refused to work and then exaggerated his medical problems just to collect disability. He wouldn't shower for 2 weeks at a time. Because he needed a caregiver and also made my life miserable if I did get a job, we survived on the disability (which he squandered away in only a few days' time) and my parents supported us.

But I still loved him. He was also my source for seemingly unlimited amounts of drugs. 180 10 mg lortab, 60 mg MSContin, gabapentin and even some ambien. And when I was obedient, he was caring and loving toward me. Since I had no friends (I wasn't allowed), he was my only friend.

I've made friends since the separation and have tried to keep a positive attitude. I'm even in therapy every week. But I feel so low, so worthless, so goddamn HURT! I wonder if I will ever allow anyone back into my life again.

I wish the hell I had a lortab or SOMETHING right now!!!

 

Wow. No wonder you want to use, that's a lousy situation that you've been able to escape.

You can't rush getting over something like that; although it is great that you've made some friends, it will probably take a long while before you'll be able to really let someone in again as it were. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing in the short-to-mid term. Keep focusing on doing what is right for you, re-defining who you are, and keeping your own personal space sacrosanct until you can set up healthy boundaries within.

Feeling hurt is expected, but you are far from worthless. I don't know you, but I do know that-- I've yet to meet someone who was even close to worthless, and I've met some real slimeballs.

 

Hi,

I understand the blah feeling. I understand how difficult it is to get clean and then go through either a really stressful or hurtful situation at the same time.
All you want is not to feel like this and you may or may not be able to see it ending in the near future.
AS I empathize with you, I applaud your weekly therapy sessions because you need to know why you are such a caregiver to the point of attracting people who, even by your standards, are low-lifes. Maybe you adopted this role as a way to cope with something else. I have no idea as I am no therapist.
Your post does seem to radiate both determination and vulnerability though.

Keep busy and write back if you would like,
Strangefamiliarity

 

Well, here's the deal with the caregiver thing... I've been a caregiver since I was 8. My Mom was a major druggie, loved her coke and pills. Most of the time she was doped up and passed out. If she was awake, she was unpredictably moody. Or in rehab. I knew what percodan, valium and such were waaay before I should have. I'm used to it, I suppose.

And I have the tendency to give people a chance, to look beyond the outside appearance. I also have a very low self image. Friends tell me I'm pretty, model material. But I never heard it from my Mom or Dad. Bad childhood... Lots of criticism and comparison to my older brother.

Maybe, inside I just don't feel good enough. And since all I know is how to take care of people, I attract those that need nurturing. But, I'm trying to work on that as well. Instead of caring for people that don't need it, I take that compassion and love and put it into the animals I work with.

I'm walking a very thin line between strong and weak. I try to do my best as far as keeping a positive outlook, but it's hard when you've been torn down mentally. I'll get there. Eventually.