Rant for Spring

I have been drinking way more than I can handle, of late. Havn't had anything this evening because I have work tomorrow and I drank last week; was like a zombie at work - I cant afford to sabotage work.
I use it alot when I am trying to eat right so its kind of a cross addiction. Also my ex is out of my life and there is a huge loss of self(as I had defined myself), as well as ensuing boredom as he was an addict/alcoholic and took up much of my emotional time.

Im finding it hard to not have any compulsive behaviours around to keep off my feelings at the moment. Im already starting to have an identity loss again and its fuking frightening. I dont want to dissociate from myself and can sense that im going on autopilot; which usually leads me back to drinking/binging.
I also am SO unbearably bored and need to get more into my life but dont know what to do/which thing I have the ability/confidence for.
With D around I felt like I knew who I was in relation to someone else but with him out of the picture I feel incredibly lonely, redundant and pissed off.
Suppose Il have to be patient and see what unfolds and work on it; as it reveals itself.
Am just starting to become jaded and I dont want to feel nothing only struggle, have been stuck in that before for far too long.

Also noticed how I, in the past week, have watched every episode of fuckin Intervention obsessively(its ridiculous) I think I miss the Drama of D, although its embarassing to admit that.

I have an OCD nature in respect to alot of things, I think this is part of my Bulimia, without Bulimia I am SO Bored-I have nothing to preoccupy my mind with that seems to be urgent enough, I guess thats a good thing and I have to start trying to relax and accept it.
I have spent most of my life dealing with my Mothers sense of dramatic, intense, urgency that I still try to replace it with something.

Got to try to keep my eye on keeping myself Mature, balanced, healthy, wise and focused on my potential career.

 

you could always take a vacation to the States. I know a dude in Philly that could keep you entertained and show ya all the cool spots that don't smell like urine

 

I don't know why, but that made me chuckle OD.

Aescip-- You've undertaken a huge change in your life, you have to expect that it will take time to find a new equilibrium. Chances are there will be pendulum swings in either direction before things start to get sorted. This can be tough, but it can also be used as an aid to make any changes in your life that you've been wanting as well.

With respect to your bulimia coming from boredom, I've got to say that I've not heard of that before. All I can suggest is maybe throw yourself into another hobby or interest until it can become as encompassing as that? Work is fine, and important, but haveing something unrelated to work is pretty vital to keeping the demons at bay as well.

Works (sort of, most of the time) for me anyway.

 

lol @ OD yeah, can envision you pitching your slogan: "Visit all the cool Spots that dont smell like urine'' to the Philidelphian Board of Tourism. Well it is honest!
Thanks, you incorrigible Flirt!
You will have to sell one of your kidney's to help me get the flight over though!
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Ta Dave, pendulum swings galore are forcast alright!
Ya, have to find a hobby that I actually enjoy...its easy for these things to become a chore though!
Work is actually quite enjoyable ATM, meeting alot of sweet people, so am lucky in that respect. Still need to fill in the 'Social' void though, bigtime.

It's not really that bulimia stems from boredom, I've just dealt with it for so long, that it's occupied most of my time and gave me a structured 'framework' to work in, if that makes sense...?
Yeah bulimia is so time and energy encompassing: the planning, food/weight obsession, excercise regimes, money budgets for binge foods, beating the weight targets on the Scale's, periods of abstinence measured out by periods of binges/purges, planning time's and enviroment's available for binging/purging, Hiding EVERYTHING! - It really is a little world of control on its own, an endless project but hell does it consume one's emotions/thoughts(pardon the pun!)

Probably will do the Yoga thing soon, like doing it only during sunnier months(dont ask, Im just odd like that). Just dont want to get overly body concious either so Yoga could turn into a means to lose weight again, have to tread wisely with these things unfortunately.

Thanks for advice Dave, much appreciated.