How did I get here?

I am on the cusp of my twenty-second year.
I came from a good family. I have no history of regular drug use. I am not an addict. I am a planner. I planned for this life to go quite differently than it has played out.

I fell in love. We've been together for a year and a half. He is an addict. Every day since we first begun this journey has been shrouded by deceit. He has lied to me about or kept from me every major or minor event in his life since we met.

• He kissed my friend in week one. I found out from her.
• His ex-girlfriend slept in his bed in week one. I found out in week 70.
• He hid his cigarette smoking from me for three months. I found out from a mutual friend.
• He slept with another woman a year into our relationship. I found out two months later from that woman.
• He dropped out of school and hid it from me.

And perhaps worst of all:

• He has been consistently abusing pain killers since we started dating and has repeatedly and purposefully lied to cover his tracks.

This is the man I wanted to marry. We were planning our futures together. Marriage, careers, homes, families. Our life. And for me, all of it was based on the assumption that we were both in this adult relationship in a big way. And it has only become clear to me in the past week that we were really, really not.

Of course, I am not perfect. I make too big of a deal about the messes and I don't like his friends. But I have always been honest with him. I have always put our relationship first. I have always made as much effort as necessary to maintain the health of our relationship.

That is the part that hurts the most. I feel as though we were both participating in different relationships. I was participating under the assumption of honesty and equality, and he was with the knowledge that it was not that way, and lack of desire for me to know that it was any different.

I want to continue to love, care for, and emotionally support this man. But I have no idea how to deal with addicts and what level of participation is required or encouraged on my part. I want to help, but I don't know how.
Also, I wonder if I need to also be attending NA or AA meetings. I am already in therapy for my own issues, but this seems different, more significant, and carries weightier consequences.

 

Wow, that's a killer first post! Welcome to Blogs, and to BL!

I wish that I had some good advice for you, but I've never been through anything like what you're going through. My first thought is that he's clearly not as vested as you are in the relationship, but that might be a bit too blunt. What I can suggest though is that you check out The Dark Side. There is a great group of people there, both on the mod team and posters, who would be able to better advise you.

Good luck to you, and stick around! There are lots of sober sorts here too!

 

I'd say have a serious sit down and talk to him about everything you j said. I know it sounds stupid but that should be the first step. Ask him "why ______?" And try and see where he's coming from and if he plans to be with you how you thought it was going to be, only to see if he's actually worth the time and effort you hope to put in. Going with him to his AA and NA meetings is a good idea. Because it will help you understand his issues more, but he has to be comfortable with it. Be gentle. Be supportive and try not to be judgmental because he himself could be very scared and not know it, and it might further push him away. Hope this helps and you get through this.