As I prepare to get off kratom later next week, I thought, while still using it, I would blog my reasons why I don't need it any more - which may be useful to look back on when that negative voice in my head starts trying to tempt me on to the wrong path... as it is likely to do. Maybe this will also be useful for others, who knows...
Ok, this time round the shit I need to get off is kratom, and that's going to be tough, simply because of the amounts I've been taking, and the way I've used it to "supplement" every aspect of my life, using it as a stimulant to work on projects, a stress reliever, and an aid to relaxation. In some ways, I've been using it like some people use cigarettes - it's just turned into a habit and I feel bad if I don't top up my bloodstream with the stuff at regular intervals.
Yes, they all say you shouldn't use kratom daily, never mind all day daily, but when I started smoking at 15 I wasn't planning on having a 40 a day habit for the next 20 years either...
The point is, neither smoking in the past, or kratom now, are things that I really need. When I gave up smoking, I was quite able to function, and after a few months never really gave it much thought any more. Where once I couldn't pause to think of the next sentence without lighting up a cigarette, I actually became more productive without them, not to say a lot healthier. But I think at some point I replaced the cigarettes with kratom.
My relationship with drugs hasn't always been based on simple chemical addiction. Back when I was a teenager, I had a lot of emotional pain, and realised alcohol was a good way of blocking it out (or at least I thought it was) - hence began 20 or so years of attempted self destruction with alcohol. I wasn't having fun on alcohol, I was drinking alone, I was drinking insane amounts - but basically I was self medicating. As I got into my mid 30's I began to feel happier in myself, and to grow as a person, and the need for alcohol began to disappear. Sure, I was using kratom by that point, but it was more to relax, rather than find oblivion. It really helped with my anxiety.
So, in effect, I had replaced drinking and smoking, with a simple herb, kratom, and all was well for a while. And then I noticed that daily use of kratom was not really having the best effect on my sexual function, and so decided to quit, and there was an experience that was the worst thing I had experienced. Quitting smoking hadn't seen me walking the streets at 4am in the dark because my goddamn legs were in danger of kicking holes in my mattress...
And so I replaced kratom with exercise, just some weights, and hill walking, and all was well for a while until some personal tragedies struck, and the oblivion seeker in me was re-awoken, and in fact all my demons were stirred up into a frenzy, which led not only to drinking again, but also to the acquaintance of a new friend, Oxycodone, which I decided was better than alcohol, because I could still mostly function and mostly didn't have to puke my guts up the next day.
Eventually I had to pay the piper, and get clean again, and I did therapy, and I put a lot of my demons to rest. I would recommend therapy of some kind to anyone, it's worth a try - find out what those demons are and exorcise the fuckers.
What it did for me was lead me to a better, calmer way of life, one which I wanted to embrace, rather than blot out, one which I was in love with, one where I could accept what had happened, and live with my doubts and uncertainties, and accept MYSELF, and where exercise (hard running) was my healthy way of relaxing and feeling physically good (not to mention sex is always better, for me, when clean).
So why, some way into this new life, mostly happy, confident, and with a new career ahead of me, new relationships working out better than ever before, and having met the real friends I had always looked for in life, did I end up at this stage, of having to do another kratom detox?
The simple, cliched answer is, because I could. The person free of any emotional pain is rare, but I was approaching it - but when life threw excruciating PHYSICAL pain at me in the form of a trapped nerve, it was just the excuse my inner monkey needed to climb right back up on to my back... I thought I would be Ok, just use to get through the pain, and then I would stop. And that nearly worked, until I then got another injury which stopped my running too - and suddenly I had a huge gap in my life, and thought, well, I will keep using the stuff for now... And suddenly here I am, use out of control, needing to dose, and dose, and dose to feel normal, spending ludicrous amounts of money that could be better spent elswhere, and oh my sex life has dwindled away again due to all this...
And all because kratom became a habit again. I unwittingly convinced my body (and mind) that it actually needs this stuff to function, that nothing can be done without my little bottle of kratom and water, that no kratom means incredible suffering. And yet all that is, is a habit, and I just need to give my body and mind a little time to adjust to being without it. I even know from my past experiences that yes, once I am through the worst, I will be able to feel great again, but it is hard to feel certain of that when I am yawning, my eyes are streaming, I can neither sleep not stay awake and my legs want to kick holes in walls. I think it gets worse each time, like my body is remembering all previous opiate and kratom withdrawals and compounding them...
I've got through withdrawals before, the reason I am blogging this is thinking forward and examining why I've relapsed over the last year, whenever I have managed to get through a withdrawal. Part of it has been pressure - I've never felt I quite got over the hill far enough, before some stressful event or important project came up, and suddenly it was all to easy to hit the order button (just a bag to get me through this deadline...). Part of it was the often crippling depression phase just after withdrawal, the lack of motivation, the anhedonia - again, when I had things to do (I can't get through my deadline/meeting/date without a little...). In a way, my high self esteem works against me, the voice in my head tells me I really, really deserve to feel good again, and there's a lying voice that says it will be no sweat, this time I can just use in evenings and at weekends, I can be responsible this time. Yeah right.
The fact is, I no longer have the deep seated anxieties and emotional pain I had that caused me to drink excessively. Nor do I have the deep seated pain and problems that caused me to seek oblivion in opiates. Yeah I still have problems, fears, like anyone - but I am older and wiser now and know it is better to face up to these and deal with them in healthier ways and they do not need to be blotted out.
I am where I am with kratom because it became a habit. It is not filling any gap or helping me do anything. All it is doing is fuelling my need for it in a vicious cycle. It's like when I started smoking when I was 15, I thought, why not, and ended up with a 40 a day habit. Once I could see through how stupid that was, I was prepared to endure the pain of quitting, which was nothing to the freedom I gained.
It would, not to put too fine a point on it, be fucking stupid to go out and buy a packet of cigarettes and start smoking after being free of that crap for five years.
Just as it would be fucking stupid, after this withdrawal attempt, to ever order any kratom again, or touch any OTC or otherwise opiates.
I am a happy, chilled person with good things happening in my life. Kratom is an anomaly, it doesn't belong, shouldn't be there. I don't need kratom, or any other substance, to feel happy or relax these days. In fact it stops me relaxing, especially if I start to run out, when it makes me feel panicked. It has also been spoiling one of life's great pleasures - sex; kratom does affect my sexual function very negatively, I will write a separate entry about that in due course.
No, the major stress in my life is being caused, at this moment, by being handcuffed to a habit, and the habit needs to be stopped. For good. I don't need kratom anymore. In fact, I never needed it in the first place.
Ok, this time round the shit I need to get off is kratom, and that's going to be tough, simply because of the amounts I've been taking, and the way I've used it to "supplement" every aspect of my life, using it as a stimulant to work on projects, a stress reliever, and an aid to relaxation. In some ways, I've been using it like some people use cigarettes - it's just turned into a habit and I feel bad if I don't top up my bloodstream with the stuff at regular intervals.
Yes, they all say you shouldn't use kratom daily, never mind all day daily, but when I started smoking at 15 I wasn't planning on having a 40 a day habit for the next 20 years either...
The point is, neither smoking in the past, or kratom now, are things that I really need. When I gave up smoking, I was quite able to function, and after a few months never really gave it much thought any more. Where once I couldn't pause to think of the next sentence without lighting up a cigarette, I actually became more productive without them, not to say a lot healthier. But I think at some point I replaced the cigarettes with kratom.
My relationship with drugs hasn't always been based on simple chemical addiction. Back when I was a teenager, I had a lot of emotional pain, and realised alcohol was a good way of blocking it out (or at least I thought it was) - hence began 20 or so years of attempted self destruction with alcohol. I wasn't having fun on alcohol, I was drinking alone, I was drinking insane amounts - but basically I was self medicating. As I got into my mid 30's I began to feel happier in myself, and to grow as a person, and the need for alcohol began to disappear. Sure, I was using kratom by that point, but it was more to relax, rather than find oblivion. It really helped with my anxiety.
So, in effect, I had replaced drinking and smoking, with a simple herb, kratom, and all was well for a while. And then I noticed that daily use of kratom was not really having the best effect on my sexual function, and so decided to quit, and there was an experience that was the worst thing I had experienced. Quitting smoking hadn't seen me walking the streets at 4am in the dark because my goddamn legs were in danger of kicking holes in my mattress...
And so I replaced kratom with exercise, just some weights, and hill walking, and all was well for a while until some personal tragedies struck, and the oblivion seeker in me was re-awoken, and in fact all my demons were stirred up into a frenzy, which led not only to drinking again, but also to the acquaintance of a new friend, Oxycodone, which I decided was better than alcohol, because I could still mostly function and mostly didn't have to puke my guts up the next day.
Eventually I had to pay the piper, and get clean again, and I did therapy, and I put a lot of my demons to rest. I would recommend therapy of some kind to anyone, it's worth a try - find out what those demons are and exorcise the fuckers.
What it did for me was lead me to a better, calmer way of life, one which I wanted to embrace, rather than blot out, one which I was in love with, one where I could accept what had happened, and live with my doubts and uncertainties, and accept MYSELF, and where exercise (hard running) was my healthy way of relaxing and feeling physically good (not to mention sex is always better, for me, when clean).So why, some way into this new life, mostly happy, confident, and with a new career ahead of me, new relationships working out better than ever before, and having met the real friends I had always looked for in life, did I end up at this stage, of having to do another kratom detox?
The simple, cliched answer is, because I could. The person free of any emotional pain is rare, but I was approaching it - but when life threw excruciating PHYSICAL pain at me in the form of a trapped nerve, it was just the excuse my inner monkey needed to climb right back up on to my back... I thought I would be Ok, just use to get through the pain, and then I would stop. And that nearly worked, until I then got another injury which stopped my running too - and suddenly I had a huge gap in my life, and thought, well, I will keep using the stuff for now... And suddenly here I am, use out of control, needing to dose, and dose, and dose to feel normal, spending ludicrous amounts of money that could be better spent elswhere, and oh my sex life has dwindled away again due to all this...
And all because kratom became a habit again. I unwittingly convinced my body (and mind) that it actually needs this stuff to function, that nothing can be done without my little bottle of kratom and water, that no kratom means incredible suffering. And yet all that is, is a habit, and I just need to give my body and mind a little time to adjust to being without it. I even know from my past experiences that yes, once I am through the worst, I will be able to feel great again, but it is hard to feel certain of that when I am yawning, my eyes are streaming, I can neither sleep not stay awake and my legs want to kick holes in walls. I think it gets worse each time, like my body is remembering all previous opiate and kratom withdrawals and compounding them...
I've got through withdrawals before, the reason I am blogging this is thinking forward and examining why I've relapsed over the last year, whenever I have managed to get through a withdrawal. Part of it has been pressure - I've never felt I quite got over the hill far enough, before some stressful event or important project came up, and suddenly it was all to easy to hit the order button (just a bag to get me through this deadline...). Part of it was the often crippling depression phase just after withdrawal, the lack of motivation, the anhedonia - again, when I had things to do (I can't get through my deadline/meeting/date without a little...). In a way, my high self esteem works against me, the voice in my head tells me I really, really deserve to feel good again, and there's a lying voice that says it will be no sweat, this time I can just use in evenings and at weekends, I can be responsible this time. Yeah right.
The fact is, I no longer have the deep seated anxieties and emotional pain I had that caused me to drink excessively. Nor do I have the deep seated pain and problems that caused me to seek oblivion in opiates. Yeah I still have problems, fears, like anyone - but I am older and wiser now and know it is better to face up to these and deal with them in healthier ways and they do not need to be blotted out.
I am where I am with kratom because it became a habit. It is not filling any gap or helping me do anything. All it is doing is fuelling my need for it in a vicious cycle. It's like when I started smoking when I was 15, I thought, why not, and ended up with a 40 a day habit. Once I could see through how stupid that was, I was prepared to endure the pain of quitting, which was nothing to the freedom I gained.
It would, not to put too fine a point on it, be fucking stupid to go out and buy a packet of cigarettes and start smoking after being free of that crap for five years.
Just as it would be fucking stupid, after this withdrawal attempt, to ever order any kratom again, or touch any OTC or otherwise opiates.
I am a happy, chilled person with good things happening in my life. Kratom is an anomaly, it doesn't belong, shouldn't be there. I don't need kratom, or any other substance, to feel happy or relax these days. In fact it stops me relaxing, especially if I start to run out, when it makes me feel panicked. It has also been spoiling one of life's great pleasures - sex; kratom does affect my sexual function very negatively, I will write a separate entry about that in due course.
No, the major stress in my life is being caused, at this moment, by being handcuffed to a habit, and the habit needs to be stopped. For good. I don't need kratom anymore. In fact, I never needed it in the first place.
