Bad, Insane Weekend

Its hard to know what to write.
I would be happy never to have to engage in any social situation again.
I was so full of resentment and self pity this weekend, I could not get out of my own head. I should have left the party early but it seems like some part of me wanted everyone to see what a mess I was.
I am a mess. I tried to sit there and act like everything was fine but I felt like I was going to break and then having not ate much in a week coupled with ridiculous amounts of wine...everything snowballed. I went to the dark side. Sick of self pity and lack of confidence.
The event that was on was a family friend's pre-wedding bash.
I cant even remember all of it but...


Also before the meal, my ex's family had rang me they told me he was missing and his car was found abandoned.
Ironically, I was staying at a hotel in an area we used to frequent during the summers.
It was too much.
They found him today. He was partying. Same old shit story.

I have a hatred for my past and my family and anything attached to them. Ive tried to overcome it but im still so angry at all the crap that I blame for me being the way I am. I know this isn't the whole truth but this weekend I felt like my life, my being, was just a cruel joke.
It seemed like a loud voice in my head was taunting me me: They have all moved on but you can't!
I didnt have the strength to fight it at the time, which made it even louder.


I should have stood my ground and not gone to this. I have nothing in common with the people there and was putting myself under too much pressure to intigrate with them when I didnt even have the ability to function, normally myself.

Am going to have to move on from this.
Why am I such a fuking nutcase.
My life is so empty at the moment and im so bloody oversensitive.
Just dreaming of being away somewhere in the future is keeping me afloat.
Will deal with reality little by little but right now I just cant handle anything much in RL.

 

this all sounds so familiar to my own life. i don't really have much advice to offer, but just know that you're not alone with the way you're feeling.

 

Thanks hun. Means alot.

 

<hug>

You really need to go easier on yourself. You're a wonderful person, and you seem to be willing to let stuff slide with others, but have absolutely no slack left for yourself. I won't go into the whole food thing, since I know that's a whole other (albeit related) issue, but eating well, and enough, will help you feel better psychologically and emotionally. The mind and body are not separate; they are one and the same, and if you can't yet tackle the mental issues, then try making sure that everything is well physically.

As far as integrating with people that you 'have nothing in common with': sometimes situations like that can be good practise for integrating with people that you have things in common with. Just thought that I'd put that out there.

In the end, I just hope that you're feeling better soon, and that you're taking good care of yourself. Be well

 

Thanks Dave Hug greatly welcomed...as is your input.

I ate after the weekend, yes your completely right nutrition is really important.

My tolerance for people was really low alright and I didnt like it, felt completely out of control but then again I needed to ground myself(I cannot do that and talk bullshit at the same time with a bunch of people who I really dont know/understand). I was trying to save face in front of these people because I have my reasons for not trusting them with being myself and my guard was completely gone so I felt completely transparent.
Maybe this needed to happen? I think subconciously I wanted to drive them away...which has no major consequences for me, I hate disingenuous Social ties, I dont see the point of them; unless you want/need to navagate some superficial, social ladder which, in this circumstance-I didnt.

Think I am grieving at the moment; I feel so sad I feel completely seperate from myself-which actually isnt that bad, considering.
Just cant act 'social' because it holds no value for me right now.
Feel like im floating outside myself looking in. Like a Sims character(im the little arrow thing above their heads!)
Personality isnt a factor right now.
I really dont feel important, maybe after a week/weekendend of being trapped in my id, I now am seperating from it?
I know I should learn to integrate it but it always swings from pole to pole-it seems so meaningless.
Tired of my own personal Drama's. Got to just stop emotionally investing in meaningless shit.
Am going to spend some time out by the resevoir just doing nothing, I need to get away from all the bricks and mortar of life ATM.

 

I'm not sure if I understand what you feel exactly. It seems kind of complicated.

But I think you need more confidence and more motivation. And to not take things too seriously. What do you enjoy doing? Work on that.

And this whole social thing - it's just because you can't find anyone "worth your time" right now. Sometimes getting away, going on a trip, or even just plain moving, will help. But friends - friends are important. Even just one or two friends. They can help.

Good luck and hope you get through this

 

^I amn't either, it is complicated. I am just writing about my inner feelings so thats why it appears so 'weird'. Wish it wasn't but...

I enjoy eating and drinking and my Alcohlic ex boyfriend so that isnt an area I can work on!

Thanks for your input llama, it really does require a simple solution but I have to work through stuff too and thats the confusing part.
I wish it wasnt but thats life I guess. :/

Ya, will have to explore more options, am fairly willing, getting there!