In that mood again

I'm really not that involved in NA that much anymore. My particular area doesn't offer the 'therapeutic value of one addict helping another' so I have been hitting maybe a meeting a week outside of my area.

Truth is, NA has helped me but it does cause harm as well. I realize that I am the only one looking out for me so I need to turn that harm and negativity into something workable so that I can eventually have a life worth living.

Tonight? Ha! I want to fight. Again.

So what's the plan? My 'special friend' is free tonight and invited me over. Turned it down. We have different definitions of what 'friendship' is and I still have a lot of anger and resentment from when she rolled out right after my dog died. Its a pattern for her to bail when I'm in need the most. I accept it, recognize it for what it is but I simply can't forgive it.

Tonight I will go to a meeting in my area and see who wants to fuck with me this time. Pretend 'gangsters' still acting out in self-serving, self-seeking behavior with no desire to be of service to anyone but themselves.

Is it nicotine withdrawal that's making me like this again? I've been on this 21mg nicotine patch for 24 or 25 days now. I recognize symptoms from quitting before: depression, suicidal thoughts, drug/alcohol cravings, hatred, rage, self-sabotage

Fuck it. This will pass. The ultimate goal is to eventually feel good about myself and to be in service to others.

I'm getting there, I just never suspected it would be so fucking lonely

 

25 days in; afaik you should be well past the physical symptoms of reducing your dose. That's not to say that the reduction isn't playing a part, but it's likely more psychological than physiological.

All I can suggest is to maybe go for a run/to the gym to blow off steam, rather than pick a fight with someone who is going through a rough time. Whether or not they deserve it Being aware of patterns within yourself is a great first step, but the tough part is learning to change those patterns. Some of these can be the ultimate cause of any number of 'surface' problems.

Either way, you're moving soon, yes? A chance to start fresh, and meet a bunch of people who are entirely unconnected with drugs/NA/whatever. For variety's sake, if nothing else.

 

Sorry your feeling lonely man.
I know with myself, if Im angry and I dont pay attention as to why and sit with myself...feel it and break down I end up getting a million times worse. Acting out even.
There are alot of people out there who are toxic and completely unaware of it, sometimes we're toxic ourselves-its headwrecking! However your completely right you have to keep yourself on the straight and narrow and do whats right by you/for you.
Your a strong and decent person.
You also seem like a really astute guy OD, dont forget to really honour what you intuit, reason and know at this time.