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IM ceftriaxone would be a good place to start.

Holy Cow, Batman!!!
Moo!

Your Perception Of It Is Everything.

I hate myself and I want to die. I accidentally ruined your rewash tonight and then lost your shot somehow. No I didn't fucking steal it. I'm just a fucking moron.

This morning I threatened to leave you. No I didn't want too I am just a fucking moron. Then I got crumbs everywhere. Didn't mean too I am just a moron. First I suggested a suicide pact. Didn't realize you wanted a hug instead cause I'm a fucking moron.

I love you. It's a shame I suck so much.

Big mistake I think, in hindsight, leaving my love as never realised would never find another.

End. A short simple word that has the power to crush me like nothing else imaginable. Its obvious this relationship has been slowly unraveling for awhile. Just like my guts when she tells me she hates me. The sinking feeling in my stomach makes me want to scream for help. I beg forgiveness but its played out. I chase her down the elevator. Block the door. Anything to stop the inevitable. But I feel less every single time. The warmth of our love replaced by this cold feeling I cant quite describe. It's sad. I'm sad.

The spot I proposed looks so very different then it did 4 months ago. I look different. My arms are beat up from heroin and meth. My gaze only on the next drug I'll get. The next bender. Waiting on this check. That scam. That this who what when where. All the dopamine you can bang.i guess love just doesnt have a strong enough binding affinity

But fuck I love her. I know I'm going to miss her if she leaves.I know I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Every bone in my body tells me I irreparably fucked this up. God I need to fix it. God I have to fix it. How do I fix us?

I'm letting the love of my life slip through my fingers. Why? For what? Another shot? A wash? 20 of go fast? My own self absorbed narcissism? None of that is worth it.

I want some to just run. Leave all this behind. Just me and Ali. Back to basics. Back to us. A family. But nah tommorow we do it again. Scam scam scam. Smile while I kill. That's life.

Wow I can't believe all that has happened since I posted the last time. I believe it was a year ago. I had gone 14 years without getting laid and I had been clean for 6 years at that time. Now I'm coming up on 7 years clean and a year ago I never would have thought that the world would be in the situation that it's in. I believe that my strong program of recovery has helped make me strong, and yet there are times that I feel like crying. I drive to work and feel creeped out at how vacant the street are. I go in to work and although I'm damn lucky to have a job, everything and everybody has changed. There's like this vibe that ranges from angst, fear, sadness, and extreme boredom. I work in a drug rehab facility for women. I've been there for about 18 months now and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd be working at one of those places. I caught my Mom crying today. She was watching some Disney show on TV. "I don't understand," she said. "This is supposed to make me laugh, not cry." "It's understandable," I said. "You're crying because watching this on TV reminds you of a time when there was not all this social distancing. There are no plays, no dinner gatherings with your friends, no more parties with family and friends and those TV shows are reminding you of a different time when there was no social isolation." "Maybe you're right," she said. I admit that a couple of weeks ago the thought occurred to me to just check out on painkillers and to keep popping pills until this is over. The only problem with that is that would mean me getting all strung out and becoming enslaved all over again by this drug addiction. I sure as hell loved my drugs for 30 years. I had a 2 year break in between where I was clean and then went back out for another 4 and a half years. Nothing was going to stop me even though I was living in my car and having to shoot up in my car with towels covering all my windows when I did or sneaking off into some park restroom to do it, or maybe in some dope house. I loved the way the drugs made me feel, but they also had a major down side. I didn't come all this way to be almost 7 years clean to clean up my credit, my life, get off probation, and have a half assed hope of ever getting my record expunged. I have time for my family and friends now even if only by phone, texting, or zoom meetings. I do get sad though and the sadness reminds me of a time when all I had to do was take a shot or some pills to make it all go away. . . but I don't. Life has different challenges living clean at 55 years old and trying to get my life together. I'm one year from graduating from college and getting my substance abuse counselor/AA degree. I do my prayers and meditations when I get up and before bed. I still call my sponsor and actively work on my Step work. I've been through the 12 Steps several times and I'm working on Step 4 again currently. I have a lot more options open to me sober than I did getting loaded. That said peace and love people. Stay safe.

"However, the truth about kratom is more complicated, and the safety problems related to its use are concerning."

4th of June 2020 - 01:53

i'm still ripping through these lines whether alone or alone lol.

today was the day i turned down that offer to go to california - ego remember this one, morals also remember this as a victory

my chemical love affair is definitely turning love hate in these times of isolation. there are things i need to keep doing to stay succesful because if there ever was a time i couldn't fail, its now.

nasal cavities are raw - may start bleeding tomorrow or even later tonight. intention to abstain non-existent. apprehension of compound side effects and the comedown is still negligible.

a couple of nights ago there was that stupid conversation with her, where we were both blasted and deluding each other and ourselves.

i have to keep going, hell or high water. i'll crash all weekend i guess - i don't know im beginning to lose my centre im not planning shit to be honest.

i'm fine though. i'll be fine. whens the last time i wasnt right

How you like that vaccine additive for COVID19?

I also have bought 7 grams of powder cocaine ('white girl') before. They were good as fuck. Such a nice personal amount to binge like a drug pig for a while. After snorting the last gagger, I turned towards my friend Helms and said, "I am Zoro." It freaked him out good. I don't know why they quit selling it; it was very desirable.

I was proud of myself.

I really hope I don't do something I'll regret because Im angry and tired if being lied to by wankers .

I've been putting off doing my homework. Before the COVID ordeal, I always wrote my homework reports in the library at school. It was easier for me to do there because it was not at home where there are too many distractions. That and the fact that the school had a printer I could use to print out the reports. My roommate is fucking home all the time. He's not working and I'm like dude you need to get off your fat ass and get a damn job. He's always in the damn kitchen. I love food as much as the next person, especially right now, but goddamn all he does is eat a HUGE amount of food, sleep and shit. Thank God I get to go to work 2 nights a week and this is more irritating because he's home all the time abusing his kitchen privileges. I wish I could afford to live alone, but I can't. I get seriously pissed off because he's lying around doing nothing but getting fat instead of looking for work. So when I get bored and complain to myself about being stuck here with him, I think back on all of the years that I was in voluntary self-quarantine. As long as I had my drugs, I didn't give a fuck. In fact, my room I locked myself into was my castle and refuge against having to deal with other people, even when I lived alone. There would be major advantages to living alone now, but I try to keep positive. I get to have some company once in a while. Otherwise, I pretty much keep to myself, but it would be nice if the two other people I live with had jobs too. I guess it could be worse. I didn't always have a roof over my head when I was getting loaded. A lot of the time I was in my car, couch surfing at dope houses, living with a using buddy in a tent in one of our parks by the dam. The car was a bit cramped at times and dope houses I had to watch my back all the time so that I wouldn't get ripped off. I have credit cards now for emergencies which I haven't had since the 80's, so by my old standards I'm lucky. It was bad enough having to hustle for dope before, but I sure as fuck would hate to have to do it now. Ok now I'm going to do my feckin homework. Peace out.

3-(2-methylaminopropyl)-pyridine.hcl

Did $20 to $30 dollars' worth. Lasted a good 2.5 days. More manageable than meth.

I understand that some people are lost without institutions such as the military, prisons, or church. Like me, my roommate is in recovery, but he doesn't do NA (Narcotics Anonymous) he does church. When COVID hit, there was no more NA for me and no more church for him. I most certainly feel the loss of NA, but I haven't gone off the deep end. This guy is a hardcore fundamentalist Christian and while that is certainly not my preference, it works for him. On the 11th of May, this guy had his bedroom window open and he was blaring his minister's church sermon so loud that when I walked outside, I could hear it all the way down the street. It was also 3:15 am. It really pissed me off not because it woke me up, as I work the graveyard shift and this was on a night off for me. Still it was like the 4th time he did this, although it had never been quite as loud as it was that night. When Mom is asleep she is dead to the world, but that night it woke even her up. She was a bit freaked out and knocked on his door and yelling his name. He either didn't hear her or he was willfully ignoring her which made me very angry. I was also angry because as I said it was the 4th time. I hadn't said anything before because he and I were not on the best of terms. My main problem with him was that number one he is home all of the time, even before COVID. Before he went to work for 3 hrs a day and then was home the rest of the time using a ton of water with excess loads of laundry and taking 2 showers a day. Where I live you get fined a penalty if you use a lot of water and it's expensive as hell. We got another rate increase and I had asked him no fewer than 10 times and Mom asked him a few times not to take 2 showers a day and to limit them to 5 minutes. He simply did what he wanted anyway. Then this thing with blaring the preacher louder than a heavy metal party started and on the 11th, I totally lost my cool after I saw that he ignored my Mom. I banged very loud and hard on his wall yelling, "Dude are you fucking kidding me?" Instead of turning it down he banged right back on the wall. I felt blood rushing to my face and my cheeks got hot. "You know what I"m calling the cops!" I called the cops and it took a few minutes for them to get there. All the while I heard this screaming sermon loud enough to wake the dead. The sermon got turned off 5 minutes before the cops got there. To be honest I was disappointed because I wanted the cops to hear how loud it was. The cops told him that he couldn't be disturbing the peace like that, especially at that hour and they told me that I would have to evict him. "Great," I said. "There's not even any court during COVID. Everything is shut down." They said there is court, but it's all different now. I kind of tuned out because I was thinking how much of a pain in the ass it was going to be to get this guy to leave. He stuck to his "I'm not leaving," story for 2 days. My Mom got so upset she started crying and hyperventilating. I had to tell her to calm down and that this guy was not worth getting this upset over. I knew one thing. If he wouldn't leave, then I was going to make it very uncomfortable for him. I would shut off his cable and internet. All he does is stay in his room watching TV and blaring sermons. He told me that he thought I was disrespectful to bang on his door and call the cops on him. "Really dude? What exactly were you expecting candy and flowers?" By the end of the 2nd night he quietly told me that he and his friends would try to find another place for him to live. I thanked him and said, "Cool." It's been nice not having him in the house. He comes home everyday to get something and then leave. I haven't been able to pin him down as to when he plans on leaving. The end of the month? He's paid up until then. Is he leaving June 15th? That would be more than 30 days notice, but we would need $500 for half the month since rent there is $1000. I don't wish this dude any ill will. I want him to get well and leave. It makes me angry that Cali won't let people have church service. Just put people in every other pew and stay home if you're sick.

My knee hurts.

One too many deaths on my block and I suspect fent. Nothing I can do but offer dope-boys free test kits so they know they ain't gettin' ripped and possibly have bodies on their hands. They are in.
I am going to try and copy/paste some sh**.
My "news" regarding drug culture:
Some may know that I *sometimes frequent da cona.
News is... cocaine is super rare ATM and dope boys are out. That is rare in itself.
SWIM irl got a bag of powder and died. Who(m) is taking advantage of the vacuum of yay, I say.... Analyzing. Calculating and doing what I do. Just changed to SWIK. FUCK!
Fent test come monday... musta had a premonition (does that make me female? ) or something.
I got help finding the source... just had a sit down since started posting this.
If it is anyone here -*god i *pray not- in the 29223 area code (yeah... my location) best to drag-up and find a new playground stat.
Nervous and onda porch watching the non existent traffic 'cept dope movin'. Gonna be here, too. With you guys fuck no offense again and coiled.
One
So... DC or HR whichever. May be a thread action taken to thwart death coming soon....

At the core,
It's an infallible machine,
Full of backbone,
And spite

To take a breath,
Is to flaunt,
And to flaunt,
Is merely to want another

Another game,
Another day,
Has got you splayed,
Amongst a maze

Look at you,
With bitter indignation,
And a heart,
Full of shame

Remorse is a fickle friend,
And guilt seems like,
A chain wrapped,
Around my heels

And I spin my wheels,
Through the leftover rain,
And a muddy pile,
Of backwash and bile

But tomorrow I think,
I'll rise and blink,
Once again I'll stumble,
And grasp the outer layer

Of a mind that's gone,
Blank as carpet or canvas,
And I really will gel,
With the cats living in hell

I'll flip one more coin,
To see a soul adorned,
With speckles of sin,
Maybe some truth within

It took a long time because I was willingly blind. I wanted to believe black was white. I was told my vision was distorted. I was told I was the problem. I needed to fix myself. I was a liar. I was the issue. That I completed the circuit of misery that ran through my family.

Well after a year away i realize black is black and white is white. That energy dispersed is equivalent to energy wasted. I realize focus is the key to power. My self worth is valuable to me but doesn't mean shit to anyone else. That I can't make anyone else happy or sad. I am not a saint or a sinner. That grey is the predominant color an intelligent person sees in the world. I realize I have less certainty everyday that passes. But instead of fearing the feeling of fear I should embrace it. For every road leads to the same outcome. Decomposition.

Codependency is hard to see when it's how you where raised. When walking on egg shells is just normal. It's insidious because one day you wake up at 31 and realize your still tip toeing around life. Like one day god is going to come over and say "hey now it's cool go on and start to play". My anxiety ate my confidence like cancer. Until all that I had left too do was scream into the void that had become my life.

I can't say I'm cured. I still have fear. But it's the fear of inaction now more then the paraylsis of indecision. I see my fiance in bed beside me and think this is how it's supposed to be. I still struggle but damn if I don't believe I'm going to be ok in the end. After all we all going to end up decomposing in the dirt

Well. Am trying to get my shit together, at least

If something you take for granted as being your time and for you gets interrupted by ppl needing you to do stuff like sort their issue out then that's too much effort so ignore it

Even though it's only 2 nights a week, it gets me out of the house. I still have school, but it's all online now, which means that I have to be home. The first problem with that is that I've always been a consummate loner. I live with 2 other people that are home all of the damn time. So before when I went to school, I was gone all day and didn't get home until about 8pm most nights. This eliminated me being irritated with the people that I live with for the most part. We all pay rent, but Mom can't afford to run the A/C and it's starting to get too damn hot. I close the blinds and run the fan. Mom insists upon taking all of the ice from the ice maker for herself and that is where she and I butt heads. If it weren't for me, she would not be able to stay in that house. So before COVID, I bought my own ice, which I still do but I also went inside different fast food places and filled my 32 ounce cup with ice and water. That is how I was able to stand driving around in the damn heat. My A/C is broken in the car and it's going to be a while before I can afford to fix it. I can no longer fill my cup with ice from fast food places or get it at school and these damn summers get into triple digits in So Cali. What happens then is that I am sapped of all of my energy and sleep a lot. I hate feeling this way. I hate having to write all of these never ending reports from school in a hot house. I've been getting it done, but this heat wears me out and I can't go to the public library or school to do my homework. Thank Christ for my job. I wouldn't mind being stuck at home if I lived alone, but I don't. Now that I've bitched about it, I remember this is what Narcotics Anonymous referred to as Cadillac problems. When I was using I often times didn't have a job or a home to go to.

The gulf between December and May may as well be 5 years instead of months. Kisses replaced by glares. Butterflies by clenched teeth. Weed by heroin. Love by hate.
Only the memory of that feeling keeps us here. Love fading into Oblivion. Two miscarriages. A million fights. A hundred mistakes I made. Fuck babe can we go back? Is that possible? I miss us! I miss you.

I love you Ali. You'll always be special to me