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Some people think I won't make it but I know that I will escape the emptyness cause that shit is slow and it kills and I refuse to be concerned with your condescending advice cause I know I have changed my life

I wanna travel Europe

"I'm Living Until I Die."

Yes it's hez had my 70mg methadone first thing and was owed 20mg methadone from someone else took that around 5pm it's half seven now so staring to peak in course of two hours I've staggered 2100mg gabapentin I am feelin very mellow and relaxed but focused aswell. I've also taken 20mg baclofen to porentiare the effects. Tommorow I'll be mixing it with pregabalin and oxycodone and methadone . I only get pain relief and a short high off oxy now I'm on meth equivalent to a gram of morphine wow

so my sort of boyfriend but its complicated cos i fucked it up in my addiction is sitting downstairs listening to music of what i consider to be a golden age of UK punk rock. for me its music from a more innocent age, when i just really loved booze and benzos and weed and would be at the front at every show pissed out of my head but then everyone there was, i could still sing all the words and stand up and have fun.

its really made me want to cry for that lost innocence. before the heroin and crack, before all the violence, before prostitution, before dodgy ass injection practises, arrest, having no money for food, and no fun ever.

i am really stressed about my job and scared about my future cos of that, so i'm a bit over sensitive. when i heard that music i had a wave of nostalgiac euphoria followed by a gut wrenching urge to just sob about everything i've thrown away. i've been clean 18 months but i know i could end up back at my worst in a heartbeat. i'm working on fixing what i can, but, in the words of one of my favourite bands from that period of my life 'there are mistakes you can't correct.'

I'm the new blogs moderator. I am excited for the challenge of bringing traffic and a sense of community to the best kept secret on the site in my opinion. I have some ideas that I want to try out.

1. I want to have a bi-weekly writing prompt that interested people can write around. So we get multiple perspectives on the same subject. That doesn't explain it well but I will put it together.

2. More feedback on people's blogs and writing. I want this to be a safe haven for aspiring writers.

3. Encourage more diversity in the section. Poetry, lyrics, ect.

4. Writing competitions. Who is the best blogger? Let's find the hell out!

5. Classic blogs. Once a month I will bump an old blog that I think is really special.

Other suggestions are welcome. So yeah anyone have commitments concerns?

What my mother is like.
I said, "She's kinda fearsome."

A love letter to my best friend by Ali

About 5 more hours until check out and then it's off to...well... I could not tell you, it will be like most days I'm sure. With our 2 suit cases packed, a backpack each and a carry on each, we set out into the big bad world. My best friend and I look into each other's eyes like we have many times before now, we lock hands and the day begins. As we walk down the driveway of our 3rd airbnb this week.I think to myself, as much as this man drives be ballistic at times, I couldn't see myself with anyone else. He is more than just a lover, my best friend,he is a teacher,my strength, my weakness, a freethinker, a companion, a caring, passionate being. This man softens my rigid edges, he believes in me when no one else does (including myself). He encourages me to go places I haven't, to take chances be disorganized, have fun and enjoy the process of things rather than getting to the end. He has allowed me to be comfortable in vulnerability, given me emotional security and safety. We may have our differences, but as we make our way out to continue our journey into uncharted territory I can honestly say, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. For once, where I am supposed to be is conducive to where I want to be. I wish he could see what I see when I look at him, I wish he had the confidence I know he has a right to have, he's not perfect but in my eyes he's better. Flaws are what makes a person beautiful, judge not those who are deemed respectable but the ones cast aside, the beaten and the vulnerable, now that's where the real beauty is. He has opened my eyes and my heart to this sort of thinking. Although I struggle with patience, I'm naturally an angry person, but he makes me less angry, less bitter, less resentful, he is what makes me beautiful. He is my fiance and I can't wait to marry him; no one has saw me in the same light he has. Everyday I put on a show, everyone knows that, however he kbows my favorite act os to disappear. I love you ACC

Are, Surprsingly, Usually The Strongest Of The Bunch.

They Are Feminine.

Je Suis
Yo Soy
Ich Bin

Are, Surprsingly, Usually The Strongest Of The Bunch.

Brahmin (white)
Kasatriya (red)
Vaisha (yellow)
Sudra (black)

One Will Run And Hide.
Here The Cannons Crack A Mile Down Freedom Street.
Guns Of Liberation USHERED In The Dawn!

1. Live my Life
2. Start designing antiretrovirals.

IM ceftriaxone would be a good place to start.

Holy Cow, Batman!!!
Moo!

Your Perception Of It Is Everything.

I hate myself and I want to die. I accidentally ruined your rewash tonight and then lost your shot somehow. No I didn't fucking steal it. I'm just a fucking moron.

This morning I threatened to leave you. No I didn't want too I am just a fucking moron. Then I got crumbs everywhere. Didn't mean too I am just a moron. First I suggested a suicide pact. Didn't realize you wanted a hug instead cause I'm a fucking moron.

I love you. It's a shame I suck so much.

Big mistake I think, in hindsight, leaving my love as never realised would never find another.

End. A short simple word that has the power to crush me like nothing else imaginable. Its obvious this relationship has been slowly unraveling for awhile. Just like my guts when she tells me she hates me. The sinking feeling in my stomach makes me want to scream for help. I beg forgiveness but its played out. I chase her down the elevator. Block the door. Anything to stop the inevitable. But I feel less every single time. The warmth of our love replaced by this cold feeling I cant quite describe. It's sad. I'm sad.

The spot I proposed looks so very different then it did 4 months ago. I look different. My arms are beat up from heroin and meth. My gaze only on the next drug I'll get. The next bender. Waiting on this check. That scam. That this who what when where. All the dopamine you can bang.i guess love just doesnt have a strong enough binding affinity

But fuck I love her. I know I'm going to miss her if she leaves.I know I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Every bone in my body tells me I irreparably fucked this up. God I need to fix it. God I have to fix it. How do I fix us?

I'm letting the love of my life slip through my fingers. Why? For what? Another shot? A wash? 20 of go fast? My own self absorbed narcissism? None of that is worth it.

I want some to just run. Leave all this behind. Just me and Ali. Back to basics. Back to us. A family. But nah tommorow we do it again. Scam scam scam. Smile while I kill. That's life.

Wow I can't believe all that has happened since I posted the last time. I believe it was a year ago. I had gone 14 years without getting laid and I had been clean for 6 years at that time. Now I'm coming up on 7 years clean and a year ago I never would have thought that the world would be in the situation that it's in. I believe that my strong program of recovery has helped make me strong, and yet there are times that I feel like crying. I drive to work and feel creeped out at how vacant the street are. I go in to work and although I'm damn lucky to have a job, everything and everybody has changed. There's like this vibe that ranges from angst, fear, sadness, and extreme boredom. I work in a drug rehab facility for women. I've been there for about 18 months now and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd be working at one of those places. I caught my Mom crying today. She was watching some Disney show on TV. "I don't understand," she said. "This is supposed to make me laugh, not cry." "It's understandable," I said. "You're crying because watching this on TV reminds you of a time when there was not all this social distancing. There are no plays, no dinner gatherings with your friends, no more parties with family and friends and those TV shows are reminding you of a different time when there was no social isolation." "Maybe you're right," she said. I admit that a couple of weeks ago the thought occurred to me to just check out on painkillers and to keep popping pills until this is over. The only problem with that is that would mean me getting all strung out and becoming enslaved all over again by this drug addiction. I sure as hell loved my drugs for 30 years. I had a 2 year break in between where I was clean and then went back out for another 4 and a half years. Nothing was going to stop me even though I was living in my car and having to shoot up in my car with towels covering all my windows when I did or sneaking off into some park restroom to do it, or maybe in some dope house. I loved the way the drugs made me feel, but they also had a major down side. I didn't come all this way to be almost 7 years clean to clean up my credit, my life, get off probation, and have a half assed hope of ever getting my record expunged. I have time for my family and friends now even if only by phone, texting, or zoom meetings. I do get sad though and the sadness reminds me of a time when all I had to do was take a shot or some pills to make it all go away. . . but I don't. Life has different challenges living clean at 55 years old and trying to get my life together. I'm one year from graduating from college and getting my substance abuse counselor/AA degree. I do my prayers and meditations when I get up and before bed. I still call my sponsor and actively work on my Step work. I've been through the 12 Steps several times and I'm working on Step 4 again currently. I have a lot more options open to me sober than I did getting loaded. That said peace and love people. Stay safe.

"However, the truth about kratom is more complicated, and the safety problems related to its use are concerning."