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It feels as if this country is ushering out a bunch of bad vibes. I was never really much into politics, but I tell you this: I've never seen so much hate, division, and dissention in this country in my entire life. I see the worst of it on social media. In my case, I have one social media site that I use and the people I have on it as "friends" are all people that I know in real life. They are either blood relatives, friends in real life that I've known for a long time, or they are from Narcotics Anonymous. What really gets me are the constant barrage of name calling and mud slinging of people bashing their opponent's party. I have 57 friends on this site and as a democrat I'm constantly getting accused of being a rotten atheist and a cheater. Really people? I can only conclude that the right wing republicans that keep posting this shit, including some blood relatives don't know me at all. I am not in fact an atheist, nor am I a dirty cheater. As far as I'm concerned, the real cheater is Donald Trump who won his 2016 election by ill gotten gains. I won't get any further into that, but since 2016, these damn right wing people that insist on mud slinging and constant name calling are the reason I log on to see if I have any private messages, visit my spiritual group that I have on there, and then leave. What I find hurtful is that I've known these people for years. Perhaps I could "unfollow" the worst offenders, but I feel like saying, "Look if that is how you really feel about me and all democrats, then perhaps we shouldn't be friends." I disagree with Trump followers and right wing republicans, however I don't ever show them any such disrespect that they have shown me. I'm willing to sit down and listen to other people's points of view without being a disrespectful asshole. Okay I'm done ranting. I just wish people would think first before shooting off their damn mouths via their devices.

I'm still very financially challenged, even though I've been clean for 7 years. I did however, donate a little money, signed a bunch of petitions, voted, and prayed for the healing of our nation. I don't think that we can take another 4 years of Trump. I've been away for a few months and every time I come back here, things have changed. I'm looking for my blog but can't find it. Hope I'm doing this right. It is a long, hard road to cleaning up all of the damage done with 30 years of using. I have another semester of college before I get my first degree and hopefully a suitable full time job with good benefits and much better pay than I'm getting now.

vibration and sound
teenage depression
self destruction endless

no answer ever
bwaah bwaah
question?

cant play piano w/o keys
do I really want it
stepped on a crack again

no relief rendered
do i wanna be happy
do I wanna breathe

nah
nah
nah

kill yourself or coffee
binary
life or death

hills + whores
can't shake the pain
never break the chain

entropy endless

My first time blogging. Wanted to share my story. (Plse forgive my punctuation) I have been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, etc. Just about all of it. (Labels ugh....)
I have a loooong history of Trauma. And yes i self medicated. I don't want to say im in recovery, bc i still self medicate. Anyway idk what changed i cant pinpoint exactly what. If it was one particular thing or many but this last month ive been doing soooo much better. i can get out of bed!!!!! I actually feel motivated. And this is SO FOREIGN to me. I feel great i never cared wether i lived or died. I actually preferred death.
Now its like i see color again, a weight has been lifted and i look forward to the future
Anyway sorry for babbling, just wanted to share bc i dont actually tell those people in my life my truth. I hide it bc im afraid of bringing them down.
It feels good to be able to share and im thankful to bluelight for giving me a place to do so.❤

Guys, it is really hard for me to say this. I've been with you all for a long time and you've all been with me too. I love you all and care so much for you.

I think you all know I have medical problems. Basically, my liver is in bad shape which is causing me a great deal of nausea, pain and misery.

Because of everything that is going on in the world currently, I have been unable to work.

I rely pretty heavily on medical cannabis to eat, sleep and exist. It is so hard for me to say this, but life for me has gotten harder and harder.

There is no support financially for medical marijuana and without it, life is pure misery. I can no longer really afford to live and every minute I do is agony.

I dont want to be a burden on those around me. I dont want my pain to be passed on to others. I've spent my life taking and I dont want to take any more.

Not being able to afford my copays was the final nail in my coffin. I'm choosing to end my life while I have the power and dignity to do so.

I don't intend for this to be theatrical. I care so much about you all and even those of you who I've yet to meet or have even joined.

I'm going to be around for a few days guys. I just cant take the pain. I wish there were another way. I love you all.

*** copied from BL journal ***

People don't believe in magic but there is nothing more magical than love. The beauty of her soul was beaming from her eyes and i became overwhelmed. There isn't a more perfectly beautiful woman than the one that removed my pain by simply 'being'. I felt her caress before we even touched and the world became a less hateful place in that instant. Holding her in my arms reminded me of all the things i've forgotten. Scars from battles that were lost were tenderly kissed away to insignificance. Those battles needed to be lost in order for that moment of gentle purification to occur. Everything is going to be well again. Hope has been regained. Its time to stop hiding. Its time to stop running... ...its time to live.

So, after all the experiments ect....I just wondered...

Have you ever felt touch aversion? Like my sensory systems feels overload and just don't fucking touch me or ill scream? Even with family you feel like you can't show affection.

And of course the disgusting bellybutton which makes you puke..

Just wondering if it's due to being overstimulated by usage or just my imagination?

Feedback will be highly appreciated

How do we stop the poison invega sustenia from continuing to destroy lives? Can we protest against this drug! The drug company has to be stopped!

What's up everybody. Just letting you know how I'm doing and feel free to rebut with your experiences in this blog. It's been a rough few weeks obviously but Im still not willing to fly a sign or anything like that.

I found out Im gonna get medicaid within the month which is sweet. Im staying with a couple of buddy's. I put up a lady's curtains for 15 bucks. Cleaned someone's car for 30. I wrote 3 essays for a buddy on World Religion so I'm trying to adapt to this shit.

I've been essentially sober for a few months despite this shit. I did take that benzo from that chick though which disappoints me though. That would just make things infinitely worse.

Im starting to get e-mails from VT Refugee Resettlement recently that would (I hope) indicates there will be some teaching work again soon. I only made lik 38 a year, which is nothing, but it worked paycheck to paycheck and I loved it.

How is everyone else managing things right now? Especially the furloughed and let-go?

Hey all BL'ers who follow my blog entries. I just wanted to Express my regret over the fact that I have been so sporadic over the past week.

I'm kind of struggling to keep my head above water here, like I'm sure a lot of you are as well. I dont have a permanent place to live and I have no furlough benefits from Refugee resettlement.

I've been trying all week to get my health insurance switched from private to Medicaid, which sucks. I cant really afford to actually see a doc outside of an ED and without insurance, it's cheaper to buy a lot of my meds off the street. I'm also trying to get food stamps.

Meanwhile, thousands of other people are doing the same thing, so the state is like frozen, with call-backs and stuff going from the next-day to sometimes literal weeks.

I'm trying to accomplish all this bureaucratic bullshit while taking meds sometimes and sometimes not depending on the day and withdrawal from drugs makes me utterly useless and as emotional as an infant.

I dont really have stable internet, but I come on every time I get a chance like from friends or the library or whatever. It's a tough situation, but I can only hope that it will start to resolve but who knows?

I know it is hard for everyone these days and I'm not special. I'm writing this because I dont want people to think I dont care about them. I definitely do and I'm trying to keep my shit together for myself and the community.

To anyone that I have left hanging, I really apologize for making you feel alone, uncared for or like just another nameless face. To folks with unanswered questions, please re-send or remind me and I will get on it.

I ll keep posting on this so I can follow how Im doing

Monday: slept 8 hours, no overwhelming delusions, not panicky or anything like that. Feeling quite good but not in a manic way.

i try being kind to people but people take kindness as weakness
try to take you for all you got and then you the bad guy for saying no

i don't trust nobody. ain't nobody got me but me. i was all on this new leaf shit trying to improve and be a better person, i felt like a fucking fraud every goddamn second of it.
so this is me accepting it.

i'm just on this earth to have my volatile temper, my lack of any consideration for most people, my proclivities to see people as a means to an end for the most part - because that's always worked for me and i was no worse off. In fact i was better off compared to all this kindness and be a good person garbage.

lol good guy, who the fuck was i kidding. i'm a dirtbag.

So, you meet a girl named Miranda at the "food assistance" line who encourages you to lick an unknown quantity of research Benzodiazepine off her finger. Hou have no idea how to say no and you're already fully involved in this situation.

Wish me luck. Gotta pay the Bipll's

So, you meet a girl named Miranda at the "food assistance" line who encourages you to lick an unknown quantity of research Benzodiazepine off her finger. Hou have no idea how to say no and you're already fully involved in this situation.

Wish me luck. Gotta pay the Bill's

"Describe a time or situation in your life that you felt discriminated against for any reason. What was the reason? How did you feel? Was it justified in your mind? Did it change your perspective on."

The only times I feel like when I was discriminated against is when I was labeled as the family drug-addict. I know it's nothing like really what you see on TV and what's going on the world today. It still fucking sucked.
Already being at my all time lows, and family was locking me out of the house because I was high. Kind of pushed me towards doing harder and harder drugs.
It made me feel pretty fucking miserable, and the only way that I knew how to cope with that feeling was to do more drugs. I got to the point where I would not go home period because in my mind I had no home to go to. So I was on the streets trying to make something of myself. I am sure you can relate a bit CJ.
Being 18yo, homeless. Living in downtown Birmingham at the time. Was a real struggle for me. I had a car at the time, and would drive my Toyota Camry around and find a parking spot at some apartments.
The feeling of loneliness and despair hit me hard, and so I needed to stay high all the time just so I could function.
Back to the topic, Once everyone knew that I was a junky in my family I was shunned upon real hard. No one was inviting me over for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Family Birthdays and Vacations.(I don't want to really get into it much but my sister was prescribed xanax and adderal at the time and still I was treated like the piece of shit heroin addict that I was).
You see in the news and such today that the best way to handle discrimination would be love, and that is just something I didn't receive much.
Flash forward to today, I still struggle with this. I have not spoke with my family in a long time because even tho I am sober and off the shit, it still opens that painful feeling of the things I had to go through back when I was younger.

Ive been in Minnesota for 18 months now. I have learned so much. I realized my life had been stuck in the same place for over a decade. Still trying to please other people. People who never validated my worth and increasingly couldnt even be bothered to even call. Its a painful realization but necessary for my happiness.

The second act of my life has started. I couldnt be more excited. I honestly could care less if you dont like my choices. I no longer crave the validation i never received.

To all my old friends. It was a time i will never forget. A time that will not come again. So i will leave us there. Ill forever cherish the memories. But i will not try to live in them. I got a new life here. I am building the life i want free of the past.

So goodbye Alabama i will not ever be coming back. Goodbye to that Drew he died awhile ago anyway. plop

PLUR
Andrew

What the fuck?
Put your teeth to the curb, 'cause right now I'm gonna stomp your fucking face in
I hope you drown in all the cum you fucking swallow, to get yourself to the top
You're just a trend, just a fucking disease,

Siting here after a big dose of Pregabalin and just feel meh. Like not wanting to do anything. Got a live Facebook gig on the go of my sister in law but rather be here tbh.

They say the end comes with a wimper not a bang. I guess i can agree. Though i think its more like a frog in a pot of boiling water. Ypu know its a deteriorating situation but the true horror only reveals itself when your insides start boiling.

She is next to me on the bus but really she is a million miles away. We havent had sex in weeks. She physically cringes ehen i touch her. Its over except for the crying. Honestly i am feeling out of tears this morning.

Stress and finances fucking destroyed us. The homeless life will do that. Throw in drugs and insanity. Well you get the picture i am sure. I just havent accepted it yet. Maybe i never will. Hope for a miracle settle for not hating each other.

I wish i could go back to November. Relive this whole thing. Even if i couldnt change the outcome. I would of enjoyed the good times more. Savored every morning waking up next to her. Her smell. Touch. Smile. The way she lit up when i came home from work. God Ali wtf happened here?

two people i really was falling for - i dont cheat i wasn't sleeping with either yet. and they both knew we were takking it slow both dropped me today, both probably because of me.

i have noone. no friends no relationships. no i mean that. today i spoke with...............

yeah.

im wwarm im kind i swear im a good person is there noone who can withstand me past fucking getting off or finding me enthralling when they're turned on but too rough around the edges otherwise

AM I STEPSIBLING PORN OR SOMETHING
fuck

goodnight

Hey everybody! I know it has been 3 weeks since I have talked to any of you. I was having some hard times with both my living situation and my epilepsy/movement disorder. I am pretty sure the stress of not working and not having stable shelter sent me into a seriously bad situation.

You're all pretty used to it by now. I am. I ended up in Dartmouth hospital 2 hours away with no phone, no wallet and my clothes cut off of me. I am 90% sure drugs were not the catalyst. I just wanted to let you guys know I'll be taking care of business here shortly.

I'm staying with my buddy in exchange for cleaning his house, cooking and walking his dog and mine. Things are stable for the time being. I feel really bad that I haven't been able to give you all the attention you deserve. I'm gonna do my best to respond to messages and threads. I'll talk to you soon!

Sorry ive been out of the online realm for a month. Me and my girl are homeless. Smoking meth everyday. Havent had a phone or wifi. But I got that sorted out I think.

Well, here we are again guys, in the blog section listening to me spin a yarn about how crappy my life is. I'm not gonna sugar coat it at all. I have been literally living and sleeping in the streets for the past 5 days. First my real job dried up. Next, the restaurant job I was working has had to let people go for lack of business. I'm not looking for sympathy, although I know I will get it from you all fam, I just want you all to understand what's happening. Between rent and medication costs, I blew through those last paychecks like it was nothing. Little did I know. I slept on the beach the other night with this girl Karma. I lose things easily, so I put everything remotely important into my bag. We slept on a blanket and the weather wasn't bad, but when Karma and I woke up, we both realized that all of our shit had been taken from us. Every article of clothing I own (some of it is brooks brothers Cell phone, Pregabalin, Zonisamide and a quarter of dispensary bud. Last but not least, my identification. Now it is impossible to do anything or bring myself out of this.

So, the worst part isn't losing the "things" per se, it's the loss of communication through the cell phone. Potential jobs can't call me. Apartment renters. I walked a literal mile today to the only pay phone here in town just to make a Neurology appointment. And of course they have no way of finding me, calling me, or seeing me.

My point is, for the next week or so guys, please bare with me a little bit. I'm only really able to get on here at the library. I'm going to do my best everyone. I care about each and every one of you.

Love
Ryan

What tf is up fam

Haven't been on here much this week. Been taking a long hard look at my drug use and Im thinking it's time for some spiritual reflection. Not battling any addictions right now but I just gotta clear my head from all exogneous substances for a while. Will definitely be popping in here still - I would miss you guys too much otherwise

But not with the frequency I've had the past few months. This place can kinda trigger my compulsions and that's just not something I need right now.

Just been feeling really dissociated and amotivational as of late. Internet use has been much higher than I'd like to admit. I guess i gotta count that as an exogneous substance too in a way huh.

Idk i feel like maybe i should see a therapist but i've never gone to one before and it intimidates me. Plus I'm still on my (very anti drug) mom's health insurance and i just dont wanna have the talk with her about finding a therapist. she'd send me to inpatient rehab probably :/