Blogs

two people i really was falling for - i dont cheat i wasn't sleeping with either yet. and they both knew we were takking it slow both dropped me today, both probably because of me.

i have noone. no friends no relationships. no i mean that. today i spoke with...............

yeah.

im wwarm im kind i swear im a good person is there noone who can withstand me past fucking getting off or finding me enthralling when they're turned on but too rough around the edges otherwise

AM I STEPSIBLING PORN OR SOMETHING
fuck

goodnight

Hey everybody! I know it has been 3 weeks since I have talked to any of you. I was having some hard times with both my living situation and my epilepsy/movement disorder. I am pretty sure the stress of not working and not having stable shelter sent me into a seriously bad situation.

You're all pretty used to it by now. I am. I ended up in Dartmouth hospital 2 hours away with no phone, no wallet and my clothes cut off of me. I am 90% sure drugs were not the catalyst. I just wanted to let you guys know I'll be taking care of business here shortly.

I'm staying with my buddy in exchange for cleaning his house, cooking and walking his dog and mine. Things are stable for the time being. I feel really bad that I haven't been able to give you all the attention you deserve. I'm gonna do my best to respond to messages and threads. I'll talk to you soon!

Sorry ive been out of the online realm for a month. Me and my girl are homeless. Smoking meth everyday. Havent had a phone or wifi. But I got that sorted out I think.

Well, here we are again guys, in the blog section listening to me spin a yarn about how crappy my life is. I'm not gonna sugar coat it at all. I have been literally living and sleeping in the streets for the past 5 days. First my real job dried up. Next, the restaurant job I was working has had to let people go for lack of business. I'm not looking for sympathy, although I know I will get it from you all fam, I just want you all to understand what's happening. Between rent and medication costs, I blew through those last paychecks like it was nothing. Little did I know. I slept on the beach the other night with this girl Karma. I lose things easily, so I put everything remotely important into my bag. We slept on a blanket and the weather wasn't bad, but when Karma and I woke up, we both realized that all of our shit had been taken from us. Every article of clothing I own (some of it is brooks brothers Cell phone, Pregabalin, Zonisamide and a quarter of dispensary bud. Last but not least, my identification. Now it is impossible to do anything or bring myself out of this.

So, the worst part isn't losing the "things" per se, it's the loss of communication through the cell phone. Potential jobs can't call me. Apartment renters. I walked a literal mile today to the only pay phone here in town just to make a Neurology appointment. And of course they have no way of finding me, calling me, or seeing me.

My point is, for the next week or so guys, please bare with me a little bit. I'm only really able to get on here at the library. I'm going to do my best everyone. I care about each and every one of you.

Love
Ryan

What tf is up fam

Haven't been on here much this week. Been taking a long hard look at my drug use and Im thinking it's time for some spiritual reflection. Not battling any addictions right now but I just gotta clear my head from all exogneous substances for a while. Will definitely be popping in here still - I would miss you guys too much otherwise

But not with the frequency I've had the past few months. This place can kinda trigger my compulsions and that's just not something I need right now.

Just been feeling really dissociated and amotivational as of late. Internet use has been much higher than I'd like to admit. I guess i gotta count that as an exogneous substance too in a way huh.

Idk i feel like maybe i should see a therapist but i've never gone to one before and it intimidates me. Plus I'm still on my (very anti drug) mom's health insurance and i just dont wanna have the talk with her about finding a therapist. she'd send me to inpatient rehab probably :/

About six months ago I broke 5 years of abstinence from stimulants and ordered a gram of meth and half a gram of MDMA from the dark web. There begins my descent into a gentle kind of madness that I desperately want to stop. Given that I actually loved being sober for that long and had achieved some quite spectacular academic achievements during that time the reasons for doing something that had become so out of character elude me somewhat. It seems however, that I had made a mistake in ceasing my bi-polar medication and triggered a manic episode. Ironically, it was only because life was so stable and productive that I thought it might be time to wind back the meds. Turns out my bi-polar can subsist entirely on a diet of stimulants and it has a fiendish hunger once the mania cracks open.

Fast forward six months and I’m still shooting up meth at least once per week. I really don’t want to. In fact it barely works for me anymore now I have a huge tolerance and am taking my bi-polar meds again. They seem to prevent most of the really good effects of meth. I haven’t felt euphoric in months. All I feel is normal when I take meth. The rest of the week I feel down and depressed. I think this depression is partly drug induced but also due to some family circumstances that are beyond my control but for which I nonetheless feel responsible.

At the time I started this meth experience, I was two years into a PhD program with a full scholarship. I probably only had a year to go in writing up my dissertation. However, of the 80,000 words I need, I’ve managed 10,000 in six months. And they are not a very good 10,000. One of the effects of the meth is to kill my memory which makes it impossible to recall a lot of my fieldwork and prior theoretical reading. I feel as if I have learned nothing during the course of my program - but I’ve learned a hell of a lot, only to lose it as my memory packs it in in the face of the onslaught of meth each week.

I have managed about 2 weeks Straight clean during this six months. And most weeks I manage 4 days or so of abstinence but those days are mostly wasted due to recovery. My family just thinks my bi-polar has cycled into depression. Given I am a very high functioning addict (for whom his DOC barely registers anyway) no one suspects there is a drug addiction going on.However, it has been commented upon that I’m getting quieter and quieter and more and more withdrawn as time goes on.

I thought about going to rehab but decided against it even though my family would support me. The main problem is that I don’t think I can detox without a lot of benzos which the rehab won’t offer. The other reason is I’m afraid the abstinence-based rehab will cut off my ADHD dexamfetamine - which I really need to work and study effectively.

I spend a lot of time on BL so I’m making this note to myself here to remind myself of where I am honestly at and also to track my recovery moving forward. I’m high now and I have about a gram left which I’m neither going to flush or attempt to taper with. I’m just going to take it as a last blast (not that there is much bang in it) before making a more committed and focussed attempt to stay clean. I expect I’ll manage 4-5 days before I’m consumed by cravings and I lose my momentum. Hopefully, before I pick up again I’ll re-read this and get a grip on what this is costing me.

The costs are high. I’m avoiding my kids. I’ve collapsed most of my arm veins. I’m spending thousands of dollars. I’m throwing away 2 years of hard work and a promising academic career. I’ve lost almost all my self confidence. There is no payoff either, unless you count hours jacking off or hanging out with working girls as being the best version of yourself. I haven’t even had a real rush in months.

The one thing that I do know is that there is something missing in my recovery attempts. I don’t know what it is and wonder if there is some psychological fault or trauma that needs to be corrected. I don’t know if I keep using to cover something up. I know I did do that in my youth but thought that years of counselling had dealt with all the hurt that led me into hard drugs originally some 30 years ago. Whether there is or there isn’t, it’s clear that willpower and drawing on cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness on my own is not cutting it. Maybe its just the meth. Perhaps it really is more insidious than any other drug and that much harder to step away from. I don’t know if it would be better or worse for my problem to be strictly chemical rather than psychological.

I’m not going to update my success here. Take it for granted that if I’m quiet about what’s going on then I’m happily sober once more. I will document my struggles and failures though since writing them out seems a helpful way of dissecting them and perhaps eventually understanding them so that they can be avoided in the future.

I just discovered something important for anyone dealing with actinic keratosis especially if like me the lockdown has left you to deal with this scary condition without medical supervision or help. So, here’s my whole story. First, it might be important that when I was 13 I had a rare allergic reaction to something ( they never figured out what caused it but the reaction was called Stevens-Johnson syndrome and if you have had it once there’s a higher chance you will again. Further, a history of SJS might be a key in making the interaction I am going to describe work because diclofenic is notorious for causing SJS. Anyway,, what I experienced as a teen was on the very mild end of SJS and a 7 day high dose prednisone taper saw me home from the hospital very quickly for SJS.

Fast forward from there 15 or so years. I got a few very tiny, very itchy spots on my skin that were nearly impossible to see visually but felt like sand paper to touch. Scratching the top off of them would temporarily stop the burning from hell itching but I found that instead of healing like a normal cut, the tops would just grow back and the itching would restart in earnest. I eventually went to the dermatologist who told me that the name for the spots is actinic keratosis . She prescribed diclofenic gel and in light of my history of SJS, prednisone to keep on hand “ just in case “. If anything resembling SJS occurred or even a mild rash I was to Immediately discontinued the gel and start prednisone and seek emergency care.
The gel worked well with few side effects.

It’s 8 years later and the AKs are back in much larger numbers. I tried to get a referral to a dermatologist appointment but with the lockdown and being exclusively on state insurance, nothing has come of my repeated requests. They say that they are working on it. Yeah at the speed they are going I could have stage 4 cancer before they do anything with the referral request. My dad’s a pharmacist in England and he told me that diclofenic gel is available over the counter for arthritis there and might be in California as well. So, I did some research and low and behold as of last year, diclofenic 1% is OTC. As a prepper, I now keep prednisone around most of the time anyway so I thought trying this lower dose version could not hurt much. I didn’t think I could lose anything by trying it.

At first, it seemed to work well but then smaller AKs started popping up as the big ones disappeared and these pinhole AKs seemed resistant to the gel. However, today by accident I discovered that applying diclofenic gel and then 3% hydrogen peroxide ( I went to clean on of the AK after my bandaid came off in the sand table... babysitting and playing with a kid).

the reaction seemed like that reaction that teachers show in 3rd grade for making volcanoes.... vinegar and baking sodai if memory services. It bubbled and burned like hell and as I went to wipe it off the whole AK came off leaving a completely flat AK-free hole. The gel worked before but not in one application. Ir took around a month for the 5 on my left arm to slowly peel off.
It should be noted that all my AKS are already slightly open because the itching drives me crazy and I scratch the tops off the best I can sometimes even in my sleep. So I don’t know if the reaction requires the catalyst that normally makes hydrogen peroxide bubble on an open sore or if it would work on closed AKS. However, I tried it on 3 more AKS with similar effects. It should be noted that afterwards I had the beginning of a pink hot rash on my legs. So I took a shower and washed off the gel and took 30 mgs of prednisone. I plan to do this on one or 2 of the most annoying of the AKS a week while taking prednisone and vitamin K ( to prevent bleeding from mixing an NSAID with prednisone until the AKs are gone or my referral comes through so I can request a safer treatment option.

The best I can figure is that my first experience with diclofenic didn’t trigger SJS because I was using it on one very small area of one arm. This time be contrast the AKS are all over and I didn’t think to take it one patch at a time. Even if all the AKS go away, I still plan to get in to a dermatologist ASAP to be checked out because cancer or pre-cancer isn’t something to mess around with. It’s only the California lockdown plus the speed at which Medi-cal does nothing that forced me to medical maverick this. Just thought I would post something about this experience in case anyone else is having similar issues

I need to find it for my work and can't so here I am stressing.

Please make ALL FUNKED UP 3 for my birthday!

Time Ended During The Age Of Aqueerius

life just went from bad to a million pieces. i dont have friends anymore. i hear another voice when i hear a telemarketer or put on music. its getting bad

Will NOT Be Forgiven.

1 912 512 5471
Andrew P.

by Flannery O'Connor



1 912 512 5471
Andrew P.

Vishnu, Brahma, Sheva.

Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet

A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree.

sub
dood

Hey everybody! I know you're all dying to know about my life and how it is going. I understand that the threads or whatever are just a side show to what is really important, attention for me.

I had some medical issues. I had a true tonic-clonic seizure and my memory only begins on my second day in the hospital. I assume I hit my head.

Really, I apologize for the absence. Things were just difficult. It was hard for me to concentrate for a bit. Yoi guys are super important to me, so although it was out of my hands (this time), I feel terrible for letting folks down.

I'm going to do my very best here to respond to messages and check in on threads.

Sincerely, Best Regards

Ryan. Ry-Ry. The Ry-Guy. Ry-Sputin?

Words Of Agility

We Should Make A Toast!
We Could EXORCISE The Ghosts.

Is a stop codon.

For Lady A

PRAYER

I choose to forgive and ask to be forgiven. Remove the bitterness that may be in my heart, oh lord fill empty spaces with love. Thank you. Amen.