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My first time blogging. Wanted to share my story. (Plse forgive my punctuation) I have been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, etc. Just about all of it. (Labels ugh....)
I have a loooong history of Trauma. And yes i self medicated. I don't want to say im in recovery, bc i still self medicate. Anyway idk what changed i cant pinpoint exactly what. If it was one particular thing or many but this last month ive been doing soooo much better. i can get out of bed!!!!! I actually feel motivated. And this is SO FOREIGN to me. I feel great i never cared wether i lived or died. I actually preferred death.
Now its like i see color again, a weight has been lifted and i look forward to the future
Anyway sorry for babbling, just wanted to share bc i dont actually tell those people in my life my truth. I hide it bc im afraid of bringing them down.
It feels good to be able to share and im thankful to bluelight for giving me a place to do so.❤

Guys, it is really hard for me to say this. I've been with you all for a long time and you've all been with me too. I love you all and care so much for you.

I think you all know I have medical problems. Basically, my liver is in bad shape which is causing me a great deal of nausea, pain and misery.

Because of everything that is going on in the world currently, I have been unable to work.

I rely pretty heavily on medical cannabis to eat, sleep and exist. It is so hard for me to say this, but life for me has gotten harder and harder.

There is no support financially for medical marijuana and without it, life is pure misery. I can no longer really afford to live and every minute I do is agony.

I dont want to be a burden on those around me. I dont want my pain to be passed on to others. I've spent my life taking and I dont want to take any more.

Not being able to afford my copays was the final nail in my coffin. I'm choosing to end my life while I have the power and dignity to do so.

I don't intend for this to be theatrical. I care so much about you all and even those of you who I've yet to meet or have even joined.

I'm going to be around for a few days guys. I just cant take the pain. I wish there were another way. I love you all.

*** copied from BL journal ***

People don't believe in magic but there is nothing more magical than love. The beauty of her soul was beaming from her eyes and i became overwhelmed. There isn't a more perfectly beautiful woman than the one that removed my pain by simply 'being'. I felt her caress before we even touched and the world became a less hateful place in that instant. Holding her in my arms reminded me of all the things i've forgotten. Scars from battles that were lost were tenderly kissed away to insignificance. Those battles needed to be lost in order for that moment of gentle purification to occur. Everything is going to be well again. Hope has been regained. Its time to stop hiding. Its time to stop running... ...its time to live.

So, after all the experiments ect....I just wondered...

Have you ever felt touch aversion? Like my sensory systems feels overload and just don't fucking touch me or ill scream? Even with family you feel like you can't show affection.

And of course the disgusting bellybutton which makes you puke..

Just wondering if it's due to being overstimulated by usage or just my imagination?

Feedback will be highly appreciated

How do we stop the poison invega sustenia from continuing to destroy lives? Can we protest against this drug! The drug company has to be stopped!

What's up everybody. Just letting you know how I'm doing and feel free to rebut with your experiences in this blog. It's been a rough few weeks obviously but Im still not willing to fly a sign or anything like that.

I found out Im gonna get medicaid within the month which is sweet. Im staying with a couple of buddy's. I put up a lady's curtains for 15 bucks. Cleaned someone's car for 30. I wrote 3 essays for a buddy on World Religion so I'm trying to adapt to this shit.

I've been essentially sober for a few months despite this shit. I did take that benzo from that chick though which disappoints me though. That would just make things infinitely worse.

Im starting to get e-mails from VT Refugee Resettlement recently that would (I hope) indicates there will be some teaching work again soon. I only made lik 38 a year, which is nothing, but it worked paycheck to paycheck and I loved it.

How is everyone else managing things right now? Especially the furloughed and let-go?

Hey all BL'ers who follow my blog entries. I just wanted to Express my regret over the fact that I have been so sporadic over the past week.

I'm kind of struggling to keep my head above water here, like I'm sure a lot of you are as well. I dont have a permanent place to live and I have no furlough benefits from Refugee resettlement.

I've been trying all week to get my health insurance switched from private to Medicaid, which sucks. I cant really afford to actually see a doc outside of an ED and without insurance, it's cheaper to buy a lot of my meds off the street. I'm also trying to get food stamps.

Meanwhile, thousands of other people are doing the same thing, so the state is like frozen, with call-backs and stuff going from the next-day to sometimes literal weeks.

I'm trying to accomplish all this bureaucratic bullshit while taking meds sometimes and sometimes not depending on the day and withdrawal from drugs makes me utterly useless and as emotional as an infant.

I dont really have stable internet, but I come on every time I get a chance like from friends or the library or whatever. It's a tough situation, but I can only hope that it will start to resolve but who knows?

I know it is hard for everyone these days and I'm not special. I'm writing this because I dont want people to think I dont care about them. I definitely do and I'm trying to keep my shit together for myself and the community.

To anyone that I have left hanging, I really apologize for making you feel alone, uncared for or like just another nameless face. To folks with unanswered questions, please re-send or remind me and I will get on it.

I ll keep posting on this so I can follow how Im doing

Monday: slept 8 hours, no overwhelming delusions, not panicky or anything like that. Feeling quite good but not in a manic way.

i try being kind to people but people take kindness as weakness
try to take you for all you got and then you the bad guy for saying no

i don't trust nobody. ain't nobody got me but me. i was all on this new leaf shit trying to improve and be a better person, i felt like a fucking fraud every goddamn second of it.
so this is me accepting it.

i'm just on this earth to have my volatile temper, my lack of any consideration for most people, my proclivities to see people as a means to an end for the most part - because that's always worked for me and i was no worse off. In fact i was better off compared to all this kindness and be a good person garbage.

lol good guy, who the fuck was i kidding. i'm a dirtbag.

So, you meet a girl named Miranda at the "food assistance" line who encourages you to lick an unknown quantity of research Benzodiazepine off her finger. Hou have no idea how to say no and you're already fully involved in this situation.

Wish me luck. Gotta pay the Bipll's

So, you meet a girl named Miranda at the "food assistance" line who encourages you to lick an unknown quantity of research Benzodiazepine off her finger. Hou have no idea how to say no and you're already fully involved in this situation.

Wish me luck. Gotta pay the Bill's

"Describe a time or situation in your life that you felt discriminated against for any reason. What was the reason? How did you feel? Was it justified in your mind? Did it change your perspective on."

The only times I feel like when I was discriminated against is when I was labeled as the family drug-addict. I know it's nothing like really what you see on TV and what's going on the world today. It still fucking sucked.
Already being at my all time lows, and family was locking me out of the house because I was high. Kind of pushed me towards doing harder and harder drugs.
It made me feel pretty fucking miserable, and the only way that I knew how to cope with that feeling was to do more drugs. I got to the point where I would not go home period because in my mind I had no home to go to. So I was on the streets trying to make something of myself. I am sure you can relate a bit CJ.
Being 18yo, homeless. Living in downtown Birmingham at the time. Was a real struggle for me. I had a car at the time, and would drive my Toyota Camry around and find a parking spot at some apartments.
The feeling of loneliness and despair hit me hard, and so I needed to stay high all the time just so I could function.
Back to the topic, Once everyone knew that I was a junky in my family I was shunned upon real hard. No one was inviting me over for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Family Birthdays and Vacations.(I don't want to really get into it much but my sister was prescribed xanax and adderal at the time and still I was treated like the piece of shit heroin addict that I was).
You see in the news and such today that the best way to handle discrimination would be love, and that is just something I didn't receive much.
Flash forward to today, I still struggle with this. I have not spoke with my family in a long time because even tho I am sober and off the shit, it still opens that painful feeling of the things I had to go through back when I was younger.

Ive been in Minnesota for 18 months now. I have learned so much. I realized my life had been stuck in the same place for over a decade. Still trying to please other people. People who never validated my worth and increasingly couldnt even be bothered to even call. Its a painful realization but necessary for my happiness.

The second act of my life has started. I couldnt be more excited. I honestly could care less if you dont like my choices. I no longer crave the validation i never received.

To all my old friends. It was a time i will never forget. A time that will not come again. So i will leave us there. Ill forever cherish the memories. But i will not try to live in them. I got a new life here. I am building the life i want free of the past.

So goodbye Alabama i will not ever be coming back. Goodbye to that Drew he died awhile ago anyway. plop

PLUR
Andrew

What the fuck?
Put your teeth to the curb, 'cause right now I'm gonna stomp your fucking face in
I hope you drown in all the cum you fucking swallow, to get yourself to the top
You're just a trend, just a fucking disease,

Siting here after a big dose of Pregabalin and just feel meh. Like not wanting to do anything. Got a live Facebook gig on the go of my sister in law but rather be here tbh.

They say the end comes with a wimper not a bang. I guess i can agree. Though i think its more like a frog in a pot of boiling water. Ypu know its a deteriorating situation but the true horror only reveals itself when your insides start boiling.

She is next to me on the bus but really she is a million miles away. We havent had sex in weeks. She physically cringes ehen i touch her. Its over except for the crying. Honestly i am feeling out of tears this morning.

Stress and finances fucking destroyed us. The homeless life will do that. Throw in drugs and insanity. Well you get the picture i am sure. I just havent accepted it yet. Maybe i never will. Hope for a miracle settle for not hating each other.

I wish i could go back to November. Relive this whole thing. Even if i couldnt change the outcome. I would of enjoyed the good times more. Savored every morning waking up next to her. Her smell. Touch. Smile. The way she lit up when i came home from work. God Ali wtf happened here?

two people i really was falling for - i dont cheat i wasn't sleeping with either yet. and they both knew we were takking it slow both dropped me today, both probably because of me.

i have noone. no friends no relationships. no i mean that. today i spoke with...............

yeah.

im wwarm im kind i swear im a good person is there noone who can withstand me past fucking getting off or finding me enthralling when they're turned on but too rough around the edges otherwise

AM I STEPSIBLING PORN OR SOMETHING
fuck

goodnight

Hey everybody! I know it has been 3 weeks since I have talked to any of you. I was having some hard times with both my living situation and my epilepsy/movement disorder. I am pretty sure the stress of not working and not having stable shelter sent me into a seriously bad situation.

You're all pretty used to it by now. I am. I ended up in Dartmouth hospital 2 hours away with no phone, no wallet and my clothes cut off of me. I am 90% sure drugs were not the catalyst. I just wanted to let you guys know I'll be taking care of business here shortly.

I'm staying with my buddy in exchange for cleaning his house, cooking and walking his dog and mine. Things are stable for the time being. I feel really bad that I haven't been able to give you all the attention you deserve. I'm gonna do my best to respond to messages and threads. I'll talk to you soon!

Sorry ive been out of the online realm for a month. Me and my girl are homeless. Smoking meth everyday. Havent had a phone or wifi. But I got that sorted out I think.

Well, here we are again guys, in the blog section listening to me spin a yarn about how crappy my life is. I'm not gonna sugar coat it at all. I have been literally living and sleeping in the streets for the past 5 days. First my real job dried up. Next, the restaurant job I was working has had to let people go for lack of business. I'm not looking for sympathy, although I know I will get it from you all fam, I just want you all to understand what's happening. Between rent and medication costs, I blew through those last paychecks like it was nothing. Little did I know. I slept on the beach the other night with this girl Karma. I lose things easily, so I put everything remotely important into my bag. We slept on a blanket and the weather wasn't bad, but when Karma and I woke up, we both realized that all of our shit had been taken from us. Every article of clothing I own (some of it is brooks brothers Cell phone, Pregabalin, Zonisamide and a quarter of dispensary bud. Last but not least, my identification. Now it is impossible to do anything or bring myself out of this.

So, the worst part isn't losing the "things" per se, it's the loss of communication through the cell phone. Potential jobs can't call me. Apartment renters. I walked a literal mile today to the only pay phone here in town just to make a Neurology appointment. And of course they have no way of finding me, calling me, or seeing me.

My point is, for the next week or so guys, please bare with me a little bit. I'm only really able to get on here at the library. I'm going to do my best everyone. I care about each and every one of you.

Love
Ryan

What tf is up fam

Haven't been on here much this week. Been taking a long hard look at my drug use and Im thinking it's time for some spiritual reflection. Not battling any addictions right now but I just gotta clear my head from all exogneous substances for a while. Will definitely be popping in here still - I would miss you guys too much otherwise

But not with the frequency I've had the past few months. This place can kinda trigger my compulsions and that's just not something I need right now.

Just been feeling really dissociated and amotivational as of late. Internet use has been much higher than I'd like to admit. I guess i gotta count that as an exogneous substance too in a way huh.

Idk i feel like maybe i should see a therapist but i've never gone to one before and it intimidates me. Plus I'm still on my (very anti drug) mom's health insurance and i just dont wanna have the talk with her about finding a therapist. she'd send me to inpatient rehab probably :/

About six months ago I broke 5 years of abstinence from stimulants and ordered a gram of meth and half a gram of MDMA from the dark web. There begins my descent into a gentle kind of madness that I desperately want to stop. Given that I actually loved being sober for that long and had achieved some quite spectacular academic achievements during that time the reasons for doing something that had become so out of character elude me somewhat. It seems however, that I had made a mistake in ceasing my bi-polar medication and triggered a manic episode. Ironically, it was only because life was so stable and productive that I thought it might be time to wind back the meds. Turns out my bi-polar can subsist entirely on a diet of stimulants and it has a fiendish hunger once the mania cracks open.

Fast forward six months and I’m still shooting up meth at least once per week. I really don’t want to. In fact it barely works for me anymore now I have a huge tolerance and am taking my bi-polar meds again. They seem to prevent most of the really good effects of meth. I haven’t felt euphoric in months. All I feel is normal when I take meth. The rest of the week I feel down and depressed. I think this depression is partly drug induced but also due to some family circumstances that are beyond my control but for which I nonetheless feel responsible.

At the time I started this meth experience, I was two years into a PhD program with a full scholarship. I probably only had a year to go in writing up my dissertation. However, of the 80,000 words I need, I’ve managed 10,000 in six months. And they are not a very good 10,000. One of the effects of the meth is to kill my memory which makes it impossible to recall a lot of my fieldwork and prior theoretical reading. I feel as if I have learned nothing during the course of my program - but I’ve learned a hell of a lot, only to lose it as my memory packs it in in the face of the onslaught of meth each week.

I have managed about 2 weeks Straight clean during this six months. And most weeks I manage 4 days or so of abstinence but those days are mostly wasted due to recovery. My family just thinks my bi-polar has cycled into depression. Given I am a very high functioning addict (for whom his DOC barely registers anyway) no one suspects there is a drug addiction going on.However, it has been commented upon that I’m getting quieter and quieter and more and more withdrawn as time goes on.

I thought about going to rehab but decided against it even though my family would support me. The main problem is that I don’t think I can detox without a lot of benzos which the rehab won’t offer. The other reason is I’m afraid the abstinence-based rehab will cut off my ADHD dexamfetamine - which I really need to work and study effectively.

I spend a lot of time on BL so I’m making this note to myself here to remind myself of where I am honestly at and also to track my recovery moving forward. I’m high now and I have about a gram left which I’m neither going to flush or attempt to taper with. I’m just going to take it as a last blast (not that there is much bang in it) before making a more committed and focussed attempt to stay clean. I expect I’ll manage 4-5 days before I’m consumed by cravings and I lose my momentum. Hopefully, before I pick up again I’ll re-read this and get a grip on what this is costing me.

The costs are high. I’m avoiding my kids. I’ve collapsed most of my arm veins. I’m spending thousands of dollars. I’m throwing away 2 years of hard work and a promising academic career. I’ve lost almost all my self confidence. There is no payoff either, unless you count hours jacking off or hanging out with working girls as being the best version of yourself. I haven’t even had a real rush in months.

The one thing that I do know is that there is something missing in my recovery attempts. I don’t know what it is and wonder if there is some psychological fault or trauma that needs to be corrected. I don’t know if I keep using to cover something up. I know I did do that in my youth but thought that years of counselling had dealt with all the hurt that led me into hard drugs originally some 30 years ago. Whether there is or there isn’t, it’s clear that willpower and drawing on cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness on my own is not cutting it. Maybe its just the meth. Perhaps it really is more insidious than any other drug and that much harder to step away from. I don’t know if it would be better or worse for my problem to be strictly chemical rather than psychological.

I’m not going to update my success here. Take it for granted that if I’m quiet about what’s going on then I’m happily sober once more. I will document my struggles and failures though since writing them out seems a helpful way of dissecting them and perhaps eventually understanding them so that they can be avoided in the future.

I just discovered something important for anyone dealing with actinic keratosis especially if like me the lockdown has left you to deal with this scary condition without medical supervision or help. So, here’s my whole story. First, it might be important that when I was 13 I had a rare allergic reaction to something ( they never figured out what caused it but the reaction was called Stevens-Johnson syndrome and if you have had it once there’s a higher chance you will again. Further, a history of SJS might be a key in making the interaction I am going to describe work because diclofenic is notorious for causing SJS. Anyway,, what I experienced as a teen was on the very mild end of SJS and a 7 day high dose prednisone taper saw me home from the hospital very quickly for SJS.

Fast forward from there 15 or so years. I got a few very tiny, very itchy spots on my skin that were nearly impossible to see visually but felt like sand paper to touch. Scratching the top off of them would temporarily stop the burning from hell itching but I found that instead of healing like a normal cut, the tops would just grow back and the itching would restart in earnest. I eventually went to the dermatologist who told me that the name for the spots is actinic keratosis . She prescribed diclofenic gel and in light of my history of SJS, prednisone to keep on hand “ just in case “. If anything resembling SJS occurred or even a mild rash I was to Immediately discontinued the gel and start prednisone and seek emergency care.
The gel worked well with few side effects.

It’s 8 years later and the AKs are back in much larger numbers. I tried to get a referral to a dermatologist appointment but with the lockdown and being exclusively on state insurance, nothing has come of my repeated requests. They say that they are working on it. Yeah at the speed they are going I could have stage 4 cancer before they do anything with the referral request. My dad’s a pharmacist in England and he told me that diclofenic gel is available over the counter for arthritis there and might be in California as well. So, I did some research and low and behold as of last year, diclofenic 1% is OTC. As a prepper, I now keep prednisone around most of the time anyway so I thought trying this lower dose version could not hurt much. I didn’t think I could lose anything by trying it.

At first, it seemed to work well but then smaller AKs started popping up as the big ones disappeared and these pinhole AKs seemed resistant to the gel. However, today by accident I discovered that applying diclofenic gel and then 3% hydrogen peroxide ( I went to clean on of the AK after my bandaid came off in the sand table... babysitting and playing with a kid).

the reaction seemed like that reaction that teachers show in 3rd grade for making volcanoes.... vinegar and baking sodai if memory services. It bubbled and burned like hell and as I went to wipe it off the whole AK came off leaving a completely flat AK-free hole. The gel worked before but not in one application. Ir took around a month for the 5 on my left arm to slowly peel off.
It should be noted that all my AKS are already slightly open because the itching drives me crazy and I scratch the tops off the best I can sometimes even in my sleep. So I don’t know if the reaction requires the catalyst that normally makes hydrogen peroxide bubble on an open sore or if it would work on closed AKS. However, I tried it on 3 more AKS with similar effects. It should be noted that afterwards I had the beginning of a pink hot rash on my legs. So I took a shower and washed off the gel and took 30 mgs of prednisone. I plan to do this on one or 2 of the most annoying of the AKS a week while taking prednisone and vitamin K ( to prevent bleeding from mixing an NSAID with prednisone until the AKs are gone or my referral comes through so I can request a safer treatment option.

The best I can figure is that my first experience with diclofenic didn’t trigger SJS because I was using it on one very small area of one arm. This time be contrast the AKS are all over and I didn’t think to take it one patch at a time. Even if all the AKS go away, I still plan to get in to a dermatologist ASAP to be checked out because cancer or pre-cancer isn’t something to mess around with. It’s only the California lockdown plus the speed at which Medi-cal does nothing that forced me to medical maverick this. Just thought I would post something about this experience in case anyone else is having similar issues

I need to find it for my work and can't so here I am stressing.