cj
Bluelight Crew
It took a long time because I was willingly blind. I wanted to believe black was white. I was told my vision was distorted. I was told I was the problem. I needed to fix myself. I was a liar. I was the issue. That I completed the circuit of misery that ran through my family.
Well after a year away i realize black is black and white is white. That energy dispersed is equivalent to energy wasted. I realize focus is the key to power. My self worth is valuable to me but doesn't mean shit to anyone else. That I can't make anyone else happy or sad. I am not a saint or a sinner. That grey is the predominant color an intelligent person sees in the world. I realize I have less certainty everyday that passes. But instead of fearing the feeling of fear I should embrace it. For every road leads to the same outcome. Decomposition.
Codependency is hard to see when it's how you where raised. When walking on egg shells is just normal. It's insidious because one day you wake up at 31 and realize your still tip toeing around life. Like one day god is going to come over and say "hey now it's cool go on and start to play". My anxiety ate my confidence like cancer. Until all that I had left too do was scream into the void that had become my life.
I can't say I'm cured. I still have fear. But it's the fear of inaction now more then the paraylsis of indecision. I see my fiance in bed beside me and think this is how it's supposed to be. I still struggle but damn if I don't believe I'm going to be ok in the end. After all we all going to end up decomposing in the dirt
Well after a year away i realize black is black and white is white. That energy dispersed is equivalent to energy wasted. I realize focus is the key to power. My self worth is valuable to me but doesn't mean shit to anyone else. That I can't make anyone else happy or sad. I am not a saint or a sinner. That grey is the predominant color an intelligent person sees in the world. I realize I have less certainty everyday that passes. But instead of fearing the feeling of fear I should embrace it. For every road leads to the same outcome. Decomposition.
Codependency is hard to see when it's how you where raised. When walking on egg shells is just normal. It's insidious because one day you wake up at 31 and realize your still tip toeing around life. Like one day god is going to come over and say "hey now it's cool go on and start to play". My anxiety ate my confidence like cancer. Until all that I had left too do was scream into the void that had become my life.
I can't say I'm cured. I still have fear. But it's the fear of inaction now more then the paraylsis of indecision. I see my fiance in bed beside me and think this is how it's supposed to be. I still struggle but damn if I don't believe I'm going to be ok in the end. After all we all going to end up decomposing in the dirt
