Blogs

In case you review this specific syndication services evaluation, you'll definitely see the distinctions between the previously mentioned a pair of providers and the rewards each of them bestows on your article marketing and advertising efforts.

For many people, logging directly into unique article wizard is a minimum of an everyday experience. These people catch up with pals along with friends, coworkers, along with expose themselves to be able to fresh close friends. There is an variety of games as there are another chat one can become a member of as well as go to town.
The particular specialized about the Unique Article Wizard is that it is really a more developed syndication support using a massive network associated with article directories and also blogs. 1 in addition of the service is that the content is sent to internet sites that are carefully in connection with all of them. A normal resource box is created available to you on which you provide anchor scrolls to your links. You'll be able to vary the anchor texts within your links and this is a attribute.

Normal site updates with brand new articles will likely give you far more ad options plus more possibilities for keys to press. Nevertheless you promote your web site, when you have more content an individual make individuals be interested in again. And don't forget to location your Unique Article Wizard ad hindrances on each site of your respective sites/blogs. The primary reason to have Unique Article Wizard is to earn as much revenue as you can. And the only way to get this done is more traffic for your site, so that you have more clicks. Then, after everything is set up, you can easily repeat the process because you learn how to do it. Overall, Unique Article Wizard is usually a great way to increase your online income significantly. You'll find webmasters generating immeasureable income from operating their own Unique Article Wizard web sites. It will take a certain amount of time and energy to get to this kind of good results. Nonetheless, when you have achieved this goal with a single web site, you can continue to improve it with the help of more sites.

Article Marketing and advertising Automation lets you create many unique versions of the article. These authentic articles, each different from one other, are usually submitted to a large amount of weblogs which might be closely related to your current niche. An additional major benefit is that you are allowed to provide links since contextual back links in your body of your article alone. You can even customize the search term anchor text. Readers is not going to miss out because the hyperlinks will be in your body of the article. You'll increase website traffic in your web site with this function.

To summarize, if there exists a single factor with regards to Unique Article Wizard that means it is well worth it, that needs to be the sort of growth you'll be able to accomplish. Thus make the commitment to actually achieve the goals, and don't only quit immediately.
For relevant information http://unitednationscenter.com/

Took my last line of Opana about an hour and a half ago, just in time to make it to court. My eviction case is finally over. But I feel nothing about it, really, other than relieved I don't need to go back to Housing Court...

I'm just waiting for w/d's to set in... Unless I can get a couple of bags of H to tide me over, but I am not sure how that is going to work out,

Waiting on texts and whatnot...

I also wanted to try an NA meeting but the only Open/Beginner is today at 6 and I will be sick by then... I guess I can wait this week of sickness out. I should have tapered but here I am in this position once again. I sold all my shit that would get me actual MONEY... Now I just want to cry.

I Guess I will take some Flexeril soon to pass out... and forget about my stupid life. Just for a little while. I won't be able to sleep soon... Nose is running and I'm nauseous.

Like a giant baby.

I found some white pills the other day that have an m on one side and 05 52 on the other. I'm pretty sure they're oxycodone but I didn't know if they were instant release or not and if so is it safe to shoot them.

Prior to going into treatment in August of 2009 I stopped taking my antidepressants (Paxil). I had been taking them since 1993 and truly felt that I was perhaps misdiagnosed. I haven't taken any since.

Since that time I was clean for 9 months and 25 days decided to use again and was deep into my addiction for a few months. I now have 17 months and 26 days clean and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Finally, at 41 years of age, I feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin. For the most part...

I've noticed that I have no interest in those things I once enjoyed. The ambivalence and general apathy has been progressing. Lately, I find myself struggling to get out of bed and, once I do manage to get up, I simply relocate to the sofa.

Thoughts of suicide have been quite frequent. These are just thoughts but they are reminiscent of thinking patterns I used to have and I don't like it.

I find myself believing fantastical scenarios that I create in my head. I KNOW they are bullshit but I accept them as truths.

So now I have a new reality I need to face. Its time to go back on antidepressants. The results were positive last time but the side affects were intolerable. I guess I need to learn how to tolerate them in order to live normally.

My plan is to try St. John's Wort prior to diving into the realm of a pharmaceutical solution. I'll give this stuff a month but, I gotta say, I'm skeptical.

I hate that this is necessary but there is no avoiding it. I see no real purpose in anything and that's a problem that needs to be addressed no matter what.

Consequences can be harsh sometimes but I was the one who fucked with my brain's chemistry so I need to accept it, work on a solution and move the fuck on.

.... An app for buying narc

Today was just like any other day. Except for someone popped up in my life.. someone new.. when I was getting comfortable with being lonely.
Playing ball with my little sisters near dusk a girl my age comes out and ask me if I wanted her to turn her back pourch light on which lead to casual talk...

Her smile was different, and the way the moonlight shined on her hair was different. Something about this girl has me dancing on the tops of buildings

Okay so this is my first blog on bluelight.

I think it would probably most prudent (excuse me for not bringing my thesaurus) to start and end this first entry with a little background story in reference to why I'm blogging (I have been a member of this forum for a number of years) as opposed to just posting my opinions on this forum.

A few days ago I received an infraction for some suicidalally suggestive posts i made in the dark side forum. Now while agree these posts were inappropriate for a "harm reduction forum" I do believe they were in conjunction with what is morally and spiritually right. Now before I get off on a political tangent let me first take a few moments to describe myself.

I am current 23 years old and began smoking marijuana and using substances at the age of 14. The first drug I did was of course marijuana and then continued on to pills and some prescription cough syrup I was prescribed following a serious bout with respitorry illness I experienced following a school outing out in the mountains of Puerto Rico. Anyway currently I am studying for the Cisco Certified Network Professional exam (I'm already A+ and CCNA certified) and plan on following this up with the CCNA security and CCIE Security exams. Because of the heavy workload and taxation on my mental and emotional fortitude I don't really have much time for friends or even substance use. As of lately I've been mostly have a few beers before going to bed. As for drug use my DOC's are marijuana, cocaine, and psychedelics. I have various connections which upon the acquirement of my first job I plan on cashing in and starting a little business as well as growing marijuana for personal use. I refuse to ship drugs to anyone so don't even ask. I have a strong interest in research chemicals I feel they are going to be the future wave of substances that humanity imbibes.

As for political views I side up pretty much on the radical side. I believe marijuana should be legalized but respect the restrictive control of stronger substances such as cocaine and heroin but believe that similar to the original interpretation of the constitution which states all humans have the inherent right to pursue happiness in which all forms of intoxicating substances were classified under; that they can be used responsible and safely to the personal discretion of the user. As far as addiction I think its a joke and recovery a simple minded means for people who have yet to experience true spirituality to do so in a brotherhood of like minded individuals. I also believe in social erradication and specifically in regards to those of the Hare Krishna belief system. I refuse to defend, explain, or justify this but I would like to state I highly believe that the Hare Krishna belief system needs to erradicated off the globe similar to what happened in Germany during WWII. I am african american but relate highly to those who are of "true" NAZI belief as well as those who have adapted to the Neo-Nazi way of life. I have a high amount of respect for the Aryan race as well as all races on this planet however those who manipulate and attempt to mislead or fornicate on the basis or religion or skin color need to be eliminated as completely and brutally as possible in reparation for centuries of abuse that those who descend from the ignorance the Hare Krishna's propagate.

Most of my blogs probably won't be this grim but if you are in any way associated with these retards don't read my fucking blog.

Stay tuned for drug insights, possibly pictures of large amounts of weight (as allowed by mods and admins), anecdotes from a drug fueled lifestyle and maybe a rare poem or two. Oh yeah and links to "declassified" 8) government material.

Payce

so today my dad went power walking outside and i decided to smoke. i had some dro from my dealer a couple days back and he said that he didnt know what it was.. well fast forward to now and back to me after im done smoking.. my dad walks in 25 minutes after im done with my one hitter (i did about 6 tokes). first thing he says is, "whats that smell?" and he got all investigative while i acted ignorant. "it smells like skunk!?!!?"


guess i know what kind of weed it is now!

So after one something in the morning I decide to go out and skateboard for the second day in a few months. As I got on the board and started pushing off a sense of happiness coursed throughout my body. When I carved the road and glided down the street under the moonlight it made me think wow, why haven't I've bothered with this in awhile? I know it may be just skateboarding to some people but to me it's more than that. Its an escape from all the bullshit just like how art is for me but sadly I haven't partaken in that for awhile (see last blog). Other than that, getting on the board for the first time in awhile reminded me of my life before drugs. It reminded me of a time where there was more to life than getting high... Its crazy how getting back on the board made me feel this way. I feel as if I had a breakthrough and I'm ready to start doing something with my life again. For so long I thought I was trapped for good but that isn't the case. I can break out of these chains and fix things. I can mend the broken; I can live again.

There are places you can go where walking down the street is a complete other world.

The only thing I regret is having but 2 nostrils to give... and they are both FUCKED so I cannot get as well as I would like. Had to use the left one... that's the one I neeeeeed. For what? I don't know.

But this shit hits hard. I actually made 2 40s last from... whenever St Patrick's Day was, till tomorrow... that's like, quite a feat for me.

I know w/d's are gonna suck though. And my head is clogged like crazy. Oh, I have to go to court one last time tomorrow... 9:30am... just to be like blah blah, she paid the rent, blah blah... Soooooo yeah.

I swear though oxymorphone has a shorter half-life than oxycodone. I could look it up but I don't really care at the moment.

Yep. I'm considering moving to Alaska. I'm a California resident who is presently in Portland, Oregon. I am at a point where I need to make a decision.

I have a tentative offer for a job in Anchorage, Alaska. I sent my resume on a real long shot when I was in a terrible mood. They actually got back to me. I'm baffled but happy that my education and skills paid off at least to this extent. I suppose that they like that I can transcribe in real time in three languages.

There's some sort of financial incentive they pay you after a year. I've been getting to know some folks who moved from the "lower 48" and love their lives. I know I can do this if it is what I really want.

I am scared shitless. I never thought that the inspiration I received from the 2012 Iditarod would translate into reality. I've got to make a decision, and the right one. I won't be going as a tourist.

I have never been to Alaska. I have lived many places, some snowy, most NOT snowy. I will need a 4x4, likely a Subaru. I will need funding, which if my family realizes I am not, in fact, on crack, will be there. My father is going to shit a brick. I will have to catch him when he is wasted.

I think I knew it when I saw the aurora a few days ago, for the first time. I think I knew it when I changed my desktop background to a team of pure white happy Huskies. I think I knew it when I started following the Iditarod and Yukon Quest - 1000+ mile sled dog races.

I have been advised to visit before committing to anything. I don't act on impulse these days. I have a good balance of maturity and ambition. I know it will be lonely on the trail - and I don't do well when I get moody or tired. I'd rather be cold than complacent.

As I approach my springtime, I now appreciate the cold. I did the best I could and I made it through. I have much to do, and I do it with bright eyes.

When I was a child learning to swim, my father told me that it didn't matter how deep the water was; that if it was over my head, it didn't matter how many feet. Now that I am grown (such as it is), I have felt many times that conditions on my own personal trail were over my head. I approached my challenges as admirably I could, and I think I have done finely.

I've placed this decision to a vote privately, off BL. Should I make my next endeavor to Alaska? It isn't up the street! It isn't even like anywhere from home! Sure, I've seen snow, but I haven't been buried in it. I'd like to do this if I can find the bravery and independence with which all Aries are born.

Yep. I'm going to make it work, wherever I may wind up. I might be a bit frazzled and tired, so I ask the Universe for safe harbor and happiness.

I am so depressed I can not deal with it. I've been through withdrawals many times yet this time it is that entity with no name. The one that creeps into your brain and shuts it down. Not the beautiful receding factions of life fading away in an opium haze but the nothingness that seems to pervade sobriety. I have exchanged one drug for another as I am now labeled a drug seeker in Korea. I can not sleep and awake in a pool of liquid that has seeped out of my pores throughout the night. I take everything in the cabinet for relief and I get none. The alcohol numbs things, but only for a minute, so...it continues. I have never been happy except on drugs. I fucking hate this life.

Do I care if the heart and body aren't responding?

No, Selfish insecurity only loathes the syncronized beat of your frail heart.

Adult men in whose performance while having sex decreases have to have the grip device. That successfully works to enhance your penis dimension, and therefore enable you to excite the lovers by simply rousing their particular G-spots. The particular footing unit makes your penis lengthier as well as heavier by revealing the manhood tissue in order to pressure. When the cells are stretched, cells split. In essence, new and heftier muscle tissue surface and also the penis becomes bulkier.

For instance, I'm sure that a lot of men get thought of wearing the particular sizegenetics device at night; the advantages apparently over-shadow the negatives. As well as will they? You get to wear the unit for a long period also it does not get in how in any way. No-one will notice that you're wearing some thing underneath your apparel, which can be some what of your concern. If you are less than time throughout the day, then this evening can be seen an outstanding exchange. Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way. Putting on the particular SizeGenetics device for more than a couple of hours in a row is especially not recommended; and looking to wear it for ten hours is certainly not recommended.


The particular SizeGenetics device is clinically proven and tested to be very safe and successful to get size gains. It functions by means of traction force, a gentle push applied on the penis to be able to gradually make it surge in measurement. By applying the extender, it starts cellular matrix inside male organ to grow along with encourages tissue growth along with results in a marked improvement with the the flow of blood for the manhood.

The brand new manhood development method named Sizegenetics would be the treatment to that issue. Your plan is obviously the top a single for you. Sizegenetics brings together way up all tested types of enhancing the sort of the penis. This system include the staying with enlargement signifies: a device device, male organ exercises from penis-health.net, Two containers regarding ProSolution Pills, then one bottle linked to Quantity Drugs. Doctors ensure the effectives coming from all most of these methods for enlargement. Just think about just how powerful this system that combines all is.


click right here more about http://www.answers.com/topic/basque

The extroverted girl didn't fail my assumptions, it seems. She didn't contact me on Saturday. She did on Sunday. I saw a phone number not present in my contact book. I picked it up and it was her calling from some guy's mobile. It was 12:45 PM. She told me she couldn't do anything with that presentation. I asked her if her friend didn't pass her the instructions I left. She answered evasively and asked me if I could help her again. Her "colleague" will take her back to the student hostel and they can pick me up. Well, the hour wasn't really great for me, 5 PM, but I agreed.

So she phones me again a minute before 5 PM and asks me if it's OK for them to pick me up in 30 minutes. I'm getting into the car and I'm seeing her dressed like she was on some kind of date (I don't decry relationships with age difference, I've got preference for older women than me myself so... but something was not right in this situation).

She doesn't remember where she met the guy. I asked about it, if it was a club or a pub but in a kind of manipulative way so she didn't really get why I was asking and I resigned when she was clearly unwilling to tell. She might not understand some things about some men or she might understand them very well, a lot of young Polish girls meet with older men for known reasons. But that seems not to concern me.

What I really wanted to know what she was doing on Saturday, where she was on Friday when I was still in her room, and if she didn't understand a word from what I told her why on Earth she didn't say a word in the first place and if she even hasn't given me a sign of life on Friday, she could have on Saturday, there would be more time to do it all. No f*cking answer you would call explaining everything. I bet she had good fun on Saturday and Sunday, and she suddenly thought of me again on the last day before the day she needed this presentation on.

Anyway, this time her roommate went downstairs to the gym (I wish I had a gym in my basement, nice student hostel) so I was alone with her. I discussed with her some more serious stuff about life. She stated that one can buy everything in Ukraine. I said she's right except for one thing, there's no place on Earth you can buy love, and I said I mean true love. She replied one can buy even love in Ukraine... Again, I told her that's impossible, I said maybe you can buy sex, someone's company etc. but whatever sum you pay, you can't make anyone love you. And it all started from a short talk about "Pole card" or whatever you'd call it. It seems it's a document some Ukrainian office gives you when you show evidence you have some Polish roots, then you can get all the privileges Poles have, i.e. for a Ukrainian girl it means whole Europe is available to her no visas needed. I asked her if she has some Polish roots because it's not the first time I heard these girls talking about it. She replied "no" and said it's done illegal way, if she paid some sum of money, she could get it (for an average Ukrainian family it's a very big amount of money).

It's been a pretty lovely weekend. I had a very early night on Friday and woke up early Saturday morning to the incessant drilling of some workmen out the back of where I live. They'd finished up by 10am by which time I needed to get up anyway... I don't quite see why they couldn't have just started later...

Yesterday was mostly about having a walk down town, bought a lovely red dress for £4, splashed out on some agent provocateur perfume, bought some fresh fruit, then came home to refuel and get my body ready for tattooing.

Well, I now know that my tattoo artist's name is Lee. I think yesterday was the best tattoo experience I've ever had, and I've got 13 other tattoos. Massive, comfy chair to sit in. Lee was on skin for nearly three hours... and the tattoo is only half finished. It was so much bigger when he put the stencil on than I thought it would be. It starts about two inches above my left knee and covers 3/4 of my thigh. I've got quite long thighs, so it's a good size of a tattoo. Lee and I get on so incredibly well that the whole experience, while painful, was incredibly social. We're quite similar people although he's crust punk and I'm... well... Jenny. It's rare that I meet anyone, male or female, that I connect with so easily. He was good at explaining the whole tattoo process as well. Nobody has really done that before, and I feel like I'm learning more about it, which he seems to understand is something that's important to me. It sound really stupid but I like to know the processes for things.

Well back to work tomorrow I guess. I'm really kind of stressing about going back to work because the atmosphere in the office isn't great at the moment. One of the girls filed a formal complaint about one of the women that work in the office. The woman can be a bit aggravating and does stress me out but if she does then I talk it out with her and it's fine. The girl who put in the complaint does the admin work, and I've been covering for her while she's been in hospital. She has cystic fibrosis so I feel really shitty for being mad at her for putting in the complaint. She's really young and I think that the admin job really stresses out but she's been moved difference offices twice because she isn't getting on with people so I don't know what is going on. I love doing the admin job and I feel a bit crap for kind of wanting her job, not that I'd ever try to make her fail, but I thought maybe they could do with two people working admin. Kind of hoped they'd promote me sideways as I'm pretty crappy on the phones and they always take me off to do emails etc when possible because that's what I'm good at. I'm really not looking forward tomorrow as I just feel like shit's going to hit the fan and it's a worry because I just want to go in and do my job with no bitching and office politics. We do a hard job (customer service for what have to be the angriest people in Britain) and it makes things a hell of a lot easier when people aren't bitching and backstabbing. I suppose I just have to go in, be confident and try to get on with things.

Ach. I guess there's a chance that I'm still tired and emotional after my tattoo. There's not really anyone I can talk to about how I'm feeling about it all. I was down at Shona's to see her and Sally, had a really good chat as Rory was out so we got proper good banter. Not that I dislike Rory, it's just different when he's there. I'm pretty sure Shona would have put it all in perspective for me but because she's got a newborn baby I don't think it is fair to unload my worries onto her. I think she likes the break from Mummyhood, cos I don't have kids, so she can talk about stuff with me that doesn't involve things like breastfeeding methods!! Probably best I have a shower, sort my hair out, get my clean clothes out of the washer and up to dry for tomorrow and just go in all guns blazing with my best devil may care attitude. It's just not as easy as I'd like. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to get in trouble for something although I've not really done anything wrong.

This stressful head is what gets me into trouble. What starts off as an average worry mounts into some crazy massive issue and I get all paranoid and upset which ends up with something shitty actually happening because I can't keep my mouth shut. I promised I wouldn't do this any more. I need to try and stay strong and if anything shit happens tomorrow I will just have to deal with it. It's almost like I feel like I should be punished even if I haven't done anything wrong... it's not a conscious thing... and it's so very hard to turn it round. The person who has the biggest problem with me is me... most other people don't really have an issue... it's my own attitude that fucks things up and when I go into a downward spiral other people pick up on it and that's when problems arise. I've come so far. I used to be scared to go into shops alone and now I'm able to live a relatively normal life and I'm incredibly independent...

But I'm still crueller to myself than I've ever been to anyone else, and that needs to stop.

This is from a Western in progress entitled ‘The Place Of Dead Rows’
My protagonist Kim Carson finds himself in deadly conflict with Mr. Hart, the press tycoon and old man Bickford of beef and oil baron.

And Bickford has a special price on Kim’s head, because Kim killed old man Bickford’s son in a gunfight.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, a real western.

Click to expand...

For three days Kim camped on the Macy tops sweeping the valley with his binoculars.

A cloud of dust headed south told him they figured him to ride south for Mexico. It headed north instead, into a land of sandstone formations. And everywhere caves pocked into the red rock like bubbles in boiling oatmeal.

Some of the caves have been lived in at one time or another. Rusty tin cans, pottery shards, cartridge cases. Kim found an arrow head six inches long, chipped from obsidian. And a smaller arrow head, of rose colored flint.

Dust was flowing and blue shadows gathered in the Sangria Christo Mountains to the east.
Sangria Christo, Blood of Christ, rivers of blood, mountains of blood! Does Christ never get tired of bleeding?!

It is raining in the Homines Mountains

"It is raining Anita Huffington." Last words of General Grant, spoken to his nurse. ‘Circuits in his brain flickering out like lightening in grey clouds’."

Pottery shards, arrowheads, rusting fish hooks.
You can see there was a cabin here once.
A hypodermic syringe glints in the sun.
He holds the rose flint arrow head in his hand.
And he fondles the obsidian arrowhead, so fragile, do they break every time they were used like bee stings, he wonders.

Somebody made this arrowhead it had a creator long ago. This arrowhead is the only proof of his existence. So living things can also be seen as artifacts designed for a purpose. So perhaps the human artefact had a creator? Perhaps the stranded space traveler needed the human vessel to continue his voyage and he made it for that purpose?

He died before he could use it, he found another escape route.

This artifact shaped to fill a forgotten need. Now has no more meaning or purpose than this arrow head without the arrow and the bow, the arm and the eye.

Or perhaps the human artifact was the creators last card played in an old game many light years ago.

Chill in empty space, Kim gathers wood for a fire.
The stars are coming out. There's the Big Dipper.
His fathers grey face on a pillow. His father points to Betelgeuse in the night sky over St. Louis.

Helpless pieces in the game he plays on this checker board of nights and days. So fragile, shivers and gathers wood.


Slave gods in the firmament. He remembers his fathers’ last words,
‘Stay outta churches son’
‘All I got a key to is the shit house’
‘And swear to me you will never wear a policeman’s badge’


Hither and thither and rows and checks and slaves, and one by one and back in the closet lay rusty tin cans, pottery shards, cartridge cases, arrow heads, a hypodermic syringe glints in the sun.

I can not stop eating for the life of me. 3 Hours after a huge meal (giant chicken burrito), I made another one even bigger. Why? Because i'm bored. I think when you're bored and have nobodyt o talk to, eating is an easy pleasure. It's hard. I have no energy or motivation because of bi polar and depression (i take small dosage of seroquel) so i barely leave my room. I find it hard to do anything because i feel it's not worth it, or i'd have to do it every day for months to see a result (changing my diet). The only thing i want is energy and motivation to do something. Drugs used to do it for me, but i'm 6 weeks clean so i haven't even had alcohol. I live with my mom and she goes away on the weekends so i sit at home, alone. I have no friends in my hometown because i;ve been a crazy person for years and nobody likes to be around me.

Right now, i'm putting all my hope in a powder mix i bought on the internet that is supposed to give you TONS of energy. People use it to work out, which is what i hope to do. Working out is a chore, after 10 minutes i get a headache and trying to get a good workout in gets harder. Personally, i feel so gross after i eat so much, but i can't stop myself. I think, "I've got nothing right now so i've got nothing to lose. Man, life sucks sober or high.

Hello, Mr. Guillotine
My name is not important.
still searching for my reprieve
of course these thoughts are distorted.

the somber days are still effevescent
why? oh, i know..
sweet screamin' dreams are so lucid
please continue to grow.

i want to posses empathy
instead i obtain apathy
everyone is here to help me
why dont i want me
why wont i recieve

elude attitude, allude something new.

So for Christmas I got an ipad2. I have to admit that when I opened it up, and stared down at its sleek white frame, I couldn't help but think, "oh shit, I'm going to sell this."

My fears are not without basis. Whenever the money's run out, I've resorted of course to selling my belongings to obtain money for drugs, or just drugs period. I've parted with three iPods over the last four 1/2 years, and once in the middle of a triazolam induced black out, I sold my MacBook for a fourty dollar bag of coke. The worst part about that deal, was that I ended up losing the coke after doing one shot.

I'll be the first to admit, that I am sort of a junky yuppie. I grew up in park slope, a nice neighboorhood in Brooklyn, the son of an artist and a photographer. I've been accustomed to fine coffee and baked goods all my life, amd even in my addiction, i loved to cook fancy stir frys and drink bustello coffe made in a french press. I would often pick up an orange cranberry scone on my way to the dope spot, and meet up with my dealer with an espresso in one hand, and however much money I had stolen that day in the other.

Yep, I'm a real asshole.

But on the other hand, I've always despised the neighboorhood I grew up in, for it's family safe, artist friendly environment. I hate saying this knowing that someone reading this has probably grown up in a shit hood, and wood give there left ball to live in a nice brownstone near prospect park, but I must speak the truth here. Though I am an artist and consider myself to be reasonably liberal, the fucking attitude of most of my neighbours is just pompous and insulting.

For instance, last night I went with my mother and father over to my aunts house for a family convention of sorts. They live in this real nice renovated studio apartment building, equipped with security codes and cameras to keep the delinquents out. Anyway, yesterday, after dinner, me and my dad go downstairs and smoke a cigarette. As we flick are butts, we then go back through the front door, following behind a middle age man wearing a scarf and spectacles, who if I'm to be honest, looked like a real bitch.
As we got through the first set of doors behind this strapping fellow, he turns to us, and asks if we live here. My father says "no, we're just visiting family up in 3D(the apartment number)" the middle age man immediately seemed to become concerned and suspicious. He hesitantly said, "well, you really should ring the doorbell in order to come inside." my dad then said, "no it's okay, e got the security code" and then plugged it in to let us through the next set of doors. The man became visibly upset, and brushed past us, scarf flailing behind him, and muttering, "you really ought to ring the buzzer!" I turned to my father and said, "God, what a fucking tool."

For some reason I couldn't let this little confrontation go. I didn't find the guy and get into an argument with him, but for the next half hour I fantasized about all the horrible things I wanted to do to him, to give him something to actually be scared about. I imagined finding his apartment, busting my way through the door, and knocking him in the stomach with an aluminum baseball bat. Then, I imagined it would be fun to duck tape him to a chair, and rummage through his apartment for money and drugs. Once I would finish stealing all his dilaudid and OxyContin (because you know, in my imagination, he would be on a ton of pain meds), I would rip the duck tape off his mouth and piss in his face. As I'd walk out the door I'd just snicker and say, "what a bitch."

Of course none of that would ever happen, as I have to much of a conscience to commit a heinous crime like the one I just described, but sometimes, it just feels good to entertain those dark, violent thoughts. Calling the guy an "asshole", would probably never happen, I'm just too much of a pacifist. Sometimes I think I may lack testosterone.

Anyway, on a final not for today, my street cred has just gone down the toilet. My mom scheduled me for a ten ocklock appointment at a hair salon this morning, and as I stood awkwardly outside what looked from the exterior to be a beauty salon, my heroin dealer walks by with one of his boys. He says to me, "Zach, what the hell are you doing out here." I just looked at him and said, "Havnt you heard Toni? I'm metrosexual now." He looked at me oddly and walked away

I stuggle with GP's n their methods and opinions on opiate addiction. I cant speak for the rest of the world as I dont have the experience but here in the UK, if you've got a smack habit n u seek help you will get the offer of 4 different meds on the NHS. Methadone, Phyceptone, Subutex or Suboxone. If you cant get on with those then u r fucked. I dont get it. Why cant I get Morphine on script. It fits me like a glove. No sweats n constipation, no eating a pure sugar diet, no restless legs n no desire to use on top. They come in tablet form so no injecting snorting or smoking is needed. It cant be the money. I work full time and pay my national insurance contributions.I pay for my prescriptions too.Im a drug manufacturers dream, totally financially self suficient and a long term repeat prescription user. Its like they will give you anything you want exept for the one thing you need. Can anyone out there shed a bit more light on this matter or give me some advise because I am hanging on by my finger tips here. I dont want to use heroin any more but I can feel this situation slipping through my fingers. I have been off smack and on prescription drugs for nearly 2 years now n I just want to feel comfortable.

my new year's resolution for 2011 was to be happier. i'm happy to say that i actually kept up with my resolution. i took the steps i needed to and for once took care of myself rather than worrying about what other people thought of me. i still have a lot of work to do on myself, but i'm more mentally and emotionally healthy now than i think i've ever been. it feels really good to say that.

i also managed to go to school full time and work full time this past semester, which is something i wouldn't have thought was possible for me a couple years ago. i'm not going to do both full time again soon, but it's nice to know that i can do it. i'm proud of myself. i also give maaaaaad props to those people that manage to work full time, go to school full time, and raise children. work and school took so much out of me, i can't imagine how it would be to throw a child into that mix as well.

for 2012 my main goal is to get physically healthy, while maintaining my mental and emotional well being. i think i can do it, especially since i have a lighter load this coming semester. my apartment complex has a pool and fitness center. while it's too cold to go swimming now, i have no excuse not to work out at least a few times a week. eating healthy is going to be the most difficult for me. i do love healthy food, but there's a special place in my heart for greasy, fatty, fried yummies.

i believe i can do it though. i just have to take it day by day and not be too hard on myself.

I've gotten my use down at last so that when i get high i don't get the withdrawal when i don't use for a day. So now i can use recreationally. I managed to get my hands on a couple of instant release oxy and found the high soooo much better than DHC. It just felt cleaner with less side effects.

The bad thing is, is that my mind is in a pretty fucked up state, it always has been but opiates make me dangerous. Because when i'm not using a small, self-destructive part of me just wants to start shooting up and escape reality in the fucked upness of needles and drugs. I've never shot a thing in my life but a part of me wants to. I think a part of me wants to die with a needle in my arm, it would be easy and i would be so fucked out of my face that i wouldn't feel a thing. Because of this feeling i know there is no way i will stop using opiates in some way or the feeling would overcome me and i might do something bad. It's in my mind everyday.

I asked for help once because i couldn't make my head shut up. My doctor sent me to a therapist who would only see me for 8 weeks behavioural therapy, i knew after that first visit it wouldn't work. You don't fix 23 years in 8 weeks, it just would NEVER happen. I didn't go back.

So here i am, i wonder if i will end up that way...

To me, the best things in life are -

Sex
Drugs
Music
Masturbation (may come under sex but i'm currently getting more of one than the other)

3 out of 4 ain't bad. These things make me i would say happy isn't the word but i can't think of one better - elated maybe. I could never live without them.