When i'm suicidal, I usually pray to god. Thing is, i'm a hardcore atheist.

The only thing i can come up with is i want to believe. I have so many issues that i struggle with that it just ends up burning me emotionally to the point where i believe i can't help myself. When i'm holding the very sharp cutco pearing knife, watching the dark red blood coming out of my skin, it actually calms me. It's like i'm glad i'm punishing myself. A sick smile and a numb feeling as my heart beat sinks. I pray to god for help, because i'm afraid i'll never be able to help myself. I don't really want to die, but i hate being in so much pain.

People always say, get out there and do this or that. Thing is, i have bi polar and post traumatic stress disorder, and although i do try sometimes, i usually cant satisfy my needs right away. I'm too impatient. I feel like people want to see me suffer. I want to see me suffer, because it's what i'm used to. I've been abused and bullied my whole life. The sick people at my school even pretended to be my friends, as i overheard the terrible things they would say about me. I have been wronged by my father, being beaten and ignored. My mother doesn't know how to reach me, and who could blame her, i'm really seriously fucked up.

I sit alone in my dark room with my computer glowing over me. With a pearing knife, watching blood pour down my arm. What do i do then? I pray. I pray for help. I pray for someone or something to save me. Jesus or buddah, to appear to me with a smile and say, it's gonna be ok buddy. I just wish somehow, someway, i knew i could be better. Unfortunetely i'm used to thinking the opposite. As a 24 year old male, who's good looking, and never been comfortable to have a gf for more than a month, i'm just so lonely. My only friends are on xbox live and here, if i can call them friends even. I'm 5 weeks clean, i should be getting better. I'm just so disappointed in myself. I feel, honestly feel, the god i don't believe in is the only one who can save me.

So why do i pray to a god who i hate?

 

hes there

 

@narco: Prove it.

BC: Probably a stupid question, but are you taking any meds for your bipolar? Under a doctor's care for it? Have you checked out the Bipolar Thread in The Dark Side? It's still pretty small, but there's a bit of support to be had there. I don't suffer from it myself, so I can't tell you that I know what you're going through, but I have been severely bullied and I have been suicidal. Fortunately, I was incompetent and wound up surviving. I learned two big things from my last attempt: life, even one that is full of pain, is better than the alternative; and that every person has it within them to improve themselves. Sometimes we need a bit of help getting past a blockage, or over a plateau, but once there's a good toehold, we can make small, continual, incremental changes that sum up to be huge accomplishments.

Check out the Bipolar Thread, and maybe send mr Paranoid Android a PM. He doesn't come around much any more, but he's been through the woods, and has wisdom to spare. Feel free to drop me a line if you need to talk too-- I can't advise on the bipolar, but I've always got an open ear.