I hope things get better.
I feel crushed inside. The visual i get is a hot empty soda can thrust into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
Crunch.
Imploded.
Things. Feel. Wrong.
I've returned to a place of doubt. I'm going through the motions of crawling through the day and still i stumble; shrink a bit more and start moving forward with more distance to cover than before.
My eating disorder has returned. It is different this time. Birthed from the depths of panic, despair and uncertainty. I don't deserve to eat, so i fill the void with capsaicin. It regulates my blood pressure and the sickening burn feels more cleansing than any other forms of self-punishment i could mete.
We've been together for more than eight years...Eight of the worst and best years of my life. He says he is unhappy, but isn't sure it is with me. Because he is unhappy, he expressed his doubts about our future...the future i can't envision happening without him in it. He is my best friend. Our souls are intertwined...but the doubt is ripping us apart and i'm feeling so much less than whole.
The adderall and capsaicin fill the void. I live in fear that his doubts will turn to rage again.
He hurt me!
wounded inside from his words and outside from the rage, i couldn't run.
Couldn't leave.
Couldn't feel.
I've been broken for weeks.
There is so little left, i've almost disappeared.
Noone has noticed. No one ever does. I suppose no one ever will. I want to disappear, but i don't wish it. A sliver of hope remains. I need to hide it somewhere safe.
This is as good a place as any.
I feel crushed inside. The visual i get is a hot empty soda can thrust into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
Crunch.
Imploded.
Things. Feel. Wrong.
I've returned to a place of doubt. I'm going through the motions of crawling through the day and still i stumble; shrink a bit more and start moving forward with more distance to cover than before.
My eating disorder has returned. It is different this time. Birthed from the depths of panic, despair and uncertainty. I don't deserve to eat, so i fill the void with capsaicin. It regulates my blood pressure and the sickening burn feels more cleansing than any other forms of self-punishment i could mete.
We've been together for more than eight years...Eight of the worst and best years of my life. He says he is unhappy, but isn't sure it is with me. Because he is unhappy, he expressed his doubts about our future...the future i can't envision happening without him in it. He is my best friend. Our souls are intertwined...but the doubt is ripping us apart and i'm feeling so much less than whole.
The adderall and capsaicin fill the void. I live in fear that his doubts will turn to rage again.
He hurt me!
wounded inside from his words and outside from the rage, i couldn't run.
Couldn't leave.
Couldn't feel.
I've been broken for weeks.
There is so little left, i've almost disappeared.
Noone has noticed. No one ever does. I suppose no one ever will. I want to disappear, but i don't wish it. A sliver of hope remains. I need to hide it somewhere safe.
This is as good a place as any.
