I keep finding myself here, and every time I always end up writing about how I keep finding myself here.
I don't know why I keep coming. I never wanna leave though once I'm here.
An empty brain, stupid, sporadic, non-linear, ugly, depraved, but more or less without a coherent thought.
I try to avoid cliches and literary melodrama but they feel so profound on dope. So I'm going to abandon restraint.
I've experienced heaven, it's a lot like this: my brain and body feel spectacular. Heaven is so much more colorful and vivid though. There are people too. People who like me for me, who aren't rundown, people who are intelligent. The architecture in heaven is much better too. Ionian columns laced with vines or illuminated warehouse rafters tend to be the norm. There's warmth in heaven, "love", intellect building in complexity and meaning, until it comes to a point. Disolving and rebuilding. Patterns. Connectivity.
I've experience hell too, it's a lot like this: my brain and body although rundown and dirty and tired are occasionally blessed with interludes of feelings of rapturous relief and euphoria. Much like this. People don't like me though. They don't know me. I appear to them as a transient idiot trashy junkie, and while I may prove myself useful (and god do i get used) they despise me and judge me. There is no architecture. A run down toolshed, a bridge, a matress, poverty and graffiti. There is no warmth, no love, ignorance and violence. Shame, euphoria, and a shaky numbness are the only states of mind.
Where I am now though; this is purgatory. My body and brain feel spectacular. It's wasted though. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. People here tolerate me. I have one person here who loves me, but he's locked in his room. Experiencing the same thing I am. We exchange messages on Facebook and meet only to do more drugs. It's a small apartment. Filthy. Cups filled with cigarette ashes all over. Scum and dirt and food everywhere. It doesn't matter though, it's just a small apartment. Nothing interesting. My brain is empty. Pornography and Bluelight are my main staples. Tomorrow everytime I close my eyes I'll see the pretty, young, blonde, shamed and dishonered. Two penises in her, ejaculate in her face and mouth. She cracks very briefly and I can see the pain in her eyes. This will be burned on my eyelids for days.
Wasted night, painful day tomorrow.
Heaven and hell come and go, outside of my control. Inevitable.
This purgatory though, I intentionally come here. I walk off the path and come here to waste my mind and waste my time.
I'm getting a better idea of why.
Unless it's heaven, or hell, or purgatory I feel nothing.
I can't function on earth.
Having encountered the other planes, earth is a silly dull place.
I don't hate it, it is what it is, but i belong above it or below it or hovering over the ground.
All this celestial travel isn't practical though, I need to spend some good quality time here. Doing human things. Working, loving, appreciating, thinking, bettering. But how?
How do I make myself want life?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go smoke some more stimulants in a dirty stoner bathroom, fry my mind with degradation and sex and then experience the emptiness. I need some real life friends or some shit
I don't know why I keep coming. I never wanna leave though once I'm here.
An empty brain, stupid, sporadic, non-linear, ugly, depraved, but more or less without a coherent thought.
I try to avoid cliches and literary melodrama but they feel so profound on dope. So I'm going to abandon restraint.
I've experienced heaven, it's a lot like this: my brain and body feel spectacular. Heaven is so much more colorful and vivid though. There are people too. People who like me for me, who aren't rundown, people who are intelligent. The architecture in heaven is much better too. Ionian columns laced with vines or illuminated warehouse rafters tend to be the norm. There's warmth in heaven, "love", intellect building in complexity and meaning, until it comes to a point. Disolving and rebuilding. Patterns. Connectivity.
I've experience hell too, it's a lot like this: my brain and body although rundown and dirty and tired are occasionally blessed with interludes of feelings of rapturous relief and euphoria. Much like this. People don't like me though. They don't know me. I appear to them as a transient idiot trashy junkie, and while I may prove myself useful (and god do i get used) they despise me and judge me. There is no architecture. A run down toolshed, a bridge, a matress, poverty and graffiti. There is no warmth, no love, ignorance and violence. Shame, euphoria, and a shaky numbness are the only states of mind.
Where I am now though; this is purgatory. My body and brain feel spectacular. It's wasted though. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. People here tolerate me. I have one person here who loves me, but he's locked in his room. Experiencing the same thing I am. We exchange messages on Facebook and meet only to do more drugs. It's a small apartment. Filthy. Cups filled with cigarette ashes all over. Scum and dirt and food everywhere. It doesn't matter though, it's just a small apartment. Nothing interesting. My brain is empty. Pornography and Bluelight are my main staples. Tomorrow everytime I close my eyes I'll see the pretty, young, blonde, shamed and dishonered. Two penises in her, ejaculate in her face and mouth. She cracks very briefly and I can see the pain in her eyes. This will be burned on my eyelids for days.
Wasted night, painful day tomorrow.
Heaven and hell come and go, outside of my control. Inevitable.
This purgatory though, I intentionally come here. I walk off the path and come here to waste my mind and waste my time.
I'm getting a better idea of why.
Unless it's heaven, or hell, or purgatory I feel nothing.
I can't function on earth.
Having encountered the other planes, earth is a silly dull place.
I don't hate it, it is what it is, but i belong above it or below it or hovering over the ground.
All this celestial travel isn't practical though, I need to spend some good quality time here. Doing human things. Working, loving, appreciating, thinking, bettering. But how?
How do I make myself want life?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go smoke some more stimulants in a dirty stoner bathroom, fry my mind with degradation and sex and then experience the emptiness. I need some real life friends or some shit
