I guess you could say that your looking foward to the weekend, well but not me.. i'm sure if i had my own place, or had some kind of shelter besides my car I wouldn't mind the weekened. Not today, nor tommrow, or even sunday. I know these days are going to be long, and howmuch i hate it.
I havn't been able to sleep in 48 hours or so, not able to get a good sleeping posistion in my car, its nothing like waking up in the morning feeling refreashd. I just lay in the back seat tossing and turning. I'm sure that most of you have tried to laydown in the backseat of your car and its just isnt the same as u were a kid and was able to fully stretch out. i can barly lay in the fetal posistion because theres so much stuff in my car/house. I hate it, and i know that i wont be able to sleep tonight, even though ive been working all day in the hotass weather, shitty work, and shitty pay, and its not stable. fucking sucks.
I know that im being negative, im just so tired and knowing that i wont b able to sleep tonight is just making things alot worst, shit sucks
so what i did today, spent the night in the parking lot at mc donalds, theyr open 24/7 and seemed like a good place at the time, well besides the birghtass street lights and the constent cars driving in and all kinds of fucking noises through out the night, sounded like someone was blowing leaves at 2am, and the sounds of people ordering their food, and all kinds of shit.
anyways had 2 be at this staffing compay at 5am this morning to stand in line to get a job, like i mentioned before its like a methadone clinic but for working, shit really fucking sucked, but got a job prettyt quick and it wasnt to far, just really sucked because of the nights before of not sleeping. really fucked with me at work, and drinking a monster energy drink and coffee early in the morning raised my blood preasure and had me feeling really weird, drained, like a lifeless soul.
so work got a little better when i was able to talk to a friend of mine around lunch, i mentioned to him that i might go to the hospital and get some psych help, becuase of just the way that i was thinking. was really thinking about suicide, and i got pretty close to it.
I don't like the way i feel, just so tired, and drained. started thinking about my family and them not talking to me, or even trying to. its not like i need money, or anything, all id like to get is a hug and a kiss on the cheek by my mom and her telling me that im doing good. its been awhile since ive seen mom, shit really hurts me.
my sister stopped talking to me because of the shit that happened with me and my boss(her friend) getting into it, and since then she wont talk to me,so yea he gave me some ativan to take, and later that night i ended up taking a handfull and drinking on top of them and blacked out, long story short we got into it (which i dont remember). shes taken sides with him, then me, my sponsor/friend told me that its sucks wat im having to go tru,will make me stonger in the outrun etc. he could let me crash on his couch or something if he cared, so i hardly listened to our conversation.
so im high, after work today i bought some boi, a tenth and oblivion, so ended up doing it and now i feel like i mite get a good night sleep, i doubt it, plus i already threwup, and feel like total shit, or my stomach does atleast, so im sippin sprite n eattting icecubes.
going to go into work tommrow if i survive, unless i sleep in but not going to push it really, if i over sleep then o fucking well because ill be asleep. sucks waking up that early, but fuck it, waht else do i have to do? its not like i can do family shit because everyone isn't talking to me, even my father.
ive been thikning about putting an end to this, i thought about my mom getting a call from the police saying that they found me dead, i wonder what she[d feel like, i doubt it shed even care, i kno i shouldnt even b thinking about that shit but ive got to say it, get that shit off my chest, now i feel somewhat a little better about shit,
my plans for tonight:
you guessed it, sleeping in my car, or just laying there. going to be a rough one tonight, im not looking foward to this night at atm and ive aleady missed sign-in at the homeless shelter, so yep sucks. going to preseserver thru tonight, and might take some benedryl to help me sleep if i cant, probs wont even sleep, its so fucking hot and humid here, so its like instant sweat when i walk outside, let alone laying in the back seat of my little toyota camery.
tonight going to either try and sleep in the 24.7 wallmart parking lot, or drive to some apartment complex and find a dark parking spot in and hopefully sleep some.
so here i am at mc donalds typing this, fuck spell check, if i dont pull thru this shit tonight i want some1 to tell my mother how much i wanted for her to come and save me, check me outa school, give me a hug and kiss me on the cheek and tell me how sorry she was for not even bother trying to talk to me, or even adknowlging how good of a person i am, my sister would be to fucked up on lortabs/hydrocodone to even give a damn, and my father is litterly crazy i love him tho. i love all my family, i love you bluelight.
I havn't been able to sleep in 48 hours or so, not able to get a good sleeping posistion in my car, its nothing like waking up in the morning feeling refreashd. I just lay in the back seat tossing and turning. I'm sure that most of you have tried to laydown in the backseat of your car and its just isnt the same as u were a kid and was able to fully stretch out. i can barly lay in the fetal posistion because theres so much stuff in my car/house. I hate it, and i know that i wont be able to sleep tonight, even though ive been working all day in the hotass weather, shitty work, and shitty pay, and its not stable. fucking sucks.
I know that im being negative, im just so tired and knowing that i wont b able to sleep tonight is just making things alot worst, shit sucks
so what i did today, spent the night in the parking lot at mc donalds, theyr open 24/7 and seemed like a good place at the time, well besides the birghtass street lights and the constent cars driving in and all kinds of fucking noises through out the night, sounded like someone was blowing leaves at 2am, and the sounds of people ordering their food, and all kinds of shit.
anyways had 2 be at this staffing compay at 5am this morning to stand in line to get a job, like i mentioned before its like a methadone clinic but for working, shit really fucking sucked, but got a job prettyt quick and it wasnt to far, just really sucked because of the nights before of not sleeping. really fucked with me at work, and drinking a monster energy drink and coffee early in the morning raised my blood preasure and had me feeling really weird, drained, like a lifeless soul.
so work got a little better when i was able to talk to a friend of mine around lunch, i mentioned to him that i might go to the hospital and get some psych help, becuase of just the way that i was thinking. was really thinking about suicide, and i got pretty close to it.
I don't like the way i feel, just so tired, and drained. started thinking about my family and them not talking to me, or even trying to. its not like i need money, or anything, all id like to get is a hug and a kiss on the cheek by my mom and her telling me that im doing good. its been awhile since ive seen mom, shit really hurts me.
my sister stopped talking to me because of the shit that happened with me and my boss(her friend) getting into it, and since then she wont talk to me,so yea he gave me some ativan to take, and later that night i ended up taking a handfull and drinking on top of them and blacked out, long story short we got into it (which i dont remember). shes taken sides with him, then me, my sponsor/friend told me that its sucks wat im having to go tru,will make me stonger in the outrun etc. he could let me crash on his couch or something if he cared, so i hardly listened to our conversation.
so im high, after work today i bought some boi, a tenth and oblivion, so ended up doing it and now i feel like i mite get a good night sleep, i doubt it, plus i already threwup, and feel like total shit, or my stomach does atleast, so im sippin sprite n eattting icecubes.
going to go into work tommrow if i survive, unless i sleep in but not going to push it really, if i over sleep then o fucking well because ill be asleep. sucks waking up that early, but fuck it, waht else do i have to do? its not like i can do family shit because everyone isn't talking to me, even my father.
ive been thikning about putting an end to this, i thought about my mom getting a call from the police saying that they found me dead, i wonder what she[d feel like, i doubt it shed even care, i kno i shouldnt even b thinking about that shit but ive got to say it, get that shit off my chest, now i feel somewhat a little better about shit,
my plans for tonight:
you guessed it, sleeping in my car, or just laying there. going to be a rough one tonight, im not looking foward to this night at atm and ive aleady missed sign-in at the homeless shelter, so yep sucks. going to preseserver thru tonight, and might take some benedryl to help me sleep if i cant, probs wont even sleep, its so fucking hot and humid here, so its like instant sweat when i walk outside, let alone laying in the back seat of my little toyota camery.
tonight going to either try and sleep in the 24.7 wallmart parking lot, or drive to some apartment complex and find a dark parking spot in and hopefully sleep some.
so here i am at mc donalds typing this, fuck spell check, if i dont pull thru this shit tonight i want some1 to tell my mother how much i wanted for her to come and save me, check me outa school, give me a hug and kiss me on the cheek and tell me how sorry she was for not even bother trying to talk to me, or even adknowlging how good of a person i am, my sister would be to fucked up on lortabs/hydrocodone to even give a damn, and my father is litterly crazy i love him tho. i love all my family, i love you bluelight.