sentiments of a depressed psychedelic abuser

I am damaged. I am burnt. I am clouded. I am broken. I am a penny at the bottom of the ocean. I am worthless. I am a felon. I am unwanted. I am a fuck up. I am a loser. But I can honestly say that at some point I loved every single one of you. Every human being on this planet, no matter what the fuck you might have done to not deserve it. Call me crazy, but it's probably the only reason i'm alive.

 

get this, the same day I wrote this I ended up finding out how to look at all the people that look at your facebook profile the most and it actually gave me a ridiculous self esteem boost. The first few were my close friends but past that were all the girls that i'd been hitting on this semester. It feels great to know you're creeped on by hot girls haha

 

^ lucky man

 

so, I recently was thinking about suicide and decided to look up why I shouldn't commit suicide, and there were lots of really helpful things that made me feel better until I read someone's post about failing to commit suicide 12 times.

That's when I thought, If I kill myself i'm gonna do it right, with a LOT of drugs. Then I started thinking about what exactly I would do and almost got excited about it lol

but I'm not really gonna kill myself--- crisis averted.

 

Man, It's crazy. I have days like this then for weeks later I look back at this post and think about how cheesy and stupid it is, then something happens to set off a wave of moodiness and depression and I want to write more. I feel like I have bipolar disorder or something, I can't think of these behaviors as normal.

 

I think part of what was happening is that my serotonin was downregulated meaning that dopamine responses played a huge role in my mood. Whenever i would feel the dopamine comedown of something though it would just make my fucking soul cringe. Whenever I felt the dopamine release of something like eating a really good meal or being accepted by my peers I would feel almost normal.