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So obviously it’s been a little while since my last entry. Blog straightened up and was ready to start posting again, but I’ve had a distinct lack of inspiration or motivation. My heart just hasn’t been into it. It made me ask the question, “Why?”. Do I have nothing to say? That’s not true. I’m always ready and willing to talk to people about most aspects of my life. And being that this a blog that basically chronicles my life, I should have no problem there. Has nothing happened that’s been interesting in the past month or so? Maybe writing about my job search or house maintenance projects just ain’t that exciting. Am I not ready to face people, electronically or IRL, since I have yet to fulfill on my commitment and quit narcotics (if only for a short period of time) like I keep promising. That might be part of it. I’m sick of solely talking about drugs within the limited context of “quitting”. Yes, I’ve said I’m going to quit a thousand times. No, I have not succeeded for longer than a 72 hour period of time. And honestly, I’m okay with that. But it’s not what the rest of the world wants for me, or what society says a good, well adjusted person should want for themselves.
Let me back track a few statements. No, I am not okay with that. I do want to be able to go a significant amount of time without junk. I want to be able to take trips and not have to worry about traveling dirty. I want my track marks to fade and not be so obvious to anyone that sees me in a short sleeve shirt. I want to have control over the substances I take the same way I have control over what food I eat. I said last night, I want to cut down on red meat consumption. No more than 1x per week. And I fully plan on realizing that goal without any grief or hardship or personal mourning. I want to have that same type of control over drugs. I was a vegetarian for over 14 years. I woke up one day and said, “I’m not eating meat anymore”. And that was that. I never looked back, I never struggled with it. Once my mind was set one way, that’s just the way things were. So why can’t I have that same type of control when it comes to recreational substances? I believe that in the long term, after much discipline, self-awareness and some abstinence, that I can successfully execute that type of control. However, I do believe that the only way I can make that type of self control a reality is by cutting my DoC’s out entirely for a while and kicking the physical dependency. All the while reformatting my brain to not be so weak and susceptible to triggers. I need to know that I can have a craving, not succumb to it, and be completely okay. Not taking a hit every 2-4 hours is not going to kill me. Neither is not taking a hit for a week or a month or more.
I know that is not what they teach you in drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs. Total abstinence is the only way. Once and addict always and addict and so forth. And I believe that to be true as well, to some extent. But just because you can become addicted, or maybe are more prone to addiction than your neighbor, does not mean that it can’t be controlled. Why would I agree to quit something for the rest of my life, when I personally find no problem in the act of taking drugs responsibly, enjoy the high, have no negative preconceived notions about drug use, drug users, or culture? I do not believe that in my life personally, drug use equates to automatic failure. I can be a completely productive member of society, hold a well paying job, maintain balanced relationships and still be a daily heroin user. I believe many people can. Unfortunately, the negative attitude of society on IV drugs users pigeonholes many people.
Drug users and non-drug users alike believe that the two worlds are not compatible. I can’t hold a good job and be a junky. I’m unfit to be a parent and use drugs. I can’t associate with non-drug using peers, they will feel I am inferior. To a point that last one can be true for many relationships with those that don’t understand drug use. But that does not make it true. In no known universe does not taking drugs equate to superiority. But it is such a commonly held belief that many drug users believe it themselves, leading to an extremely high percentage of low self esteem among drug users, especially “hard drug” users. Why? Because that’s what they were taught to believe? Would self-esteem be such a prevalent issue among drug users if that concept wasn’t ground into us at such a young age from all corners of life? Would people be as likely to fall into crime if we were taught that you could hold a steady job, be a professional employee, a good parent and be a recreational drug user?
I have found no reason (beyond unfounded stereotyping and uneducated criticism from the outside world) that myself, or anyone else can’t live a completely normal and successful life, and happen to take IV drugs at the same time. I was a walking example of that success. Held a great paying job. Bought my first home on the beach in Los Angeles. Had all the little luxuries of life and had a daily heroin habit for many years. It wasn’t until I reintroduced meth into the picture that my world came tumbling down. I’m not naive enough believe that any extent of drug abuse is manageable. And therein lies the problem. Where can you draw the line between manageable and unmanageable. That answer is going to differ from individual to individual. And unfortunately, any of us who want to play the role of “life long drug user” are going to be faced (probably repeatedly) with this dilemma. Especially when you are dealing with drugs like meth, because they have a tendency to sneak up on you and take over your whole life before you realize what’s happening. And by then, you may have a very big hole to dig yourself out of.
I was recently struck by a very bizarre comment from a friend of mine that I would have never anticipated in a billion years. Until the past year or so, when my drug use was leaked across the entire internet, and coast to coast to my family and friends, I remained extremely secretive and closeted about heroin, and IV use in general. Unfortunately, I had already fucked my life up so bad with meth, that most everybody knew I had had a problem with that for a number of years. But I had put it in my past and hadn’t touched it for 7 years. When I picked it back up again, it was with the extremely naive belief that this time I knew what it could do and I would be strong enough to avoid its pitfalls, and still use daily. Boy was I wrong. I lost my job, my house, many friends and caused my family a great deal of pain and anguish. I have since cut meth out, and never plan on using daily again. Immediately my life started turning around. I felt healthier. I was being more productive. I put on weight. Things started generally going the way I designed them. Since this all went down, I came out to an old friend about my heroin addiction. To my absolute shock, he pretty much called me a liar. I couldn’t be addicted to heroin, especially to extent that I use, and still be that put together. Real junkies don’t own homes and have good jobs. All of this was through text message mind you. When I first received that text, I literally didn’t understand what I was reading. Why would I lie about something like that? And why would someone doubt me? I texted him back for verification that what I was reading was actually what he meant. It was. At first I turned defensive, thinking things like “I can’t believe that you would call me a liar after I had the courage to tell you”. But to his points, all of the bad things he was pointing out had actually happened to me in the last year.
Although I do contribute most of those failures to meth, balancing a life style of 2 hard core IV drugs is going to take its toll on your life no matter what they are. So I can’t say it was entirely meth’s fault and heroin had nothing to do with it, that would foolish. I shot back some text outlining all of those bad things that had happened to me, some of which he hadn’t known about until then.
But I’m kinda sorry that I reacted that way. Mainly because it contradicts the point I am trying to make in my life, and what I believe can be true for many drug users. That you can achieve that balanced life and you aren’t doomed for life on the streets just because you’re a junky. I should have taken it as a compliment I suppose that I was able to lead a life that most people would never recognize as one of a junkies. At least for a while anyway. Who knows what direction my life would have turned, or what misfortunes I could have avoided if I had stuck to heroin and hadn’t touched meth again. It’s pointless to speculate. Maybe all of this would have happened eventually, but be spaced out over many years, rather than a Babylonian downfall. Meth has a tendency to expedite things like that
.
But back to my original thought. Yes, I want to have better control of this drug. Any amount of control at this point. And I recognize that abstinence is the only way to gain enough separation to look at this situation through clear eyes. So like most drug users at some point throughout their drug using career, I have been struggling with “quitting”. Which is really more like “abstaining for a while” in my situation. And once again, I’m taking on the challenge next week of not using for 14 days. But since quitting is not the end goal here, I’m refusing to address it as such during this break. That would imply some sense of failure if and when I return to a more moderate intake.
In the meantime, I’m going to try to continue blogging. Maybe furthering my depth of topics and addressing other current topics of interest – like the fact that Phish has announced summer tour dates, and how I’m heading to Oakland for 2 nights to see TAB.
Let me back track a few statements. No, I am not okay with that. I do want to be able to go a significant amount of time without junk. I want to be able to take trips and not have to worry about traveling dirty. I want my track marks to fade and not be so obvious to anyone that sees me in a short sleeve shirt. I want to have control over the substances I take the same way I have control over what food I eat. I said last night, I want to cut down on red meat consumption. No more than 1x per week. And I fully plan on realizing that goal without any grief or hardship or personal mourning. I want to have that same type of control over drugs. I was a vegetarian for over 14 years. I woke up one day and said, “I’m not eating meat anymore”. And that was that. I never looked back, I never struggled with it. Once my mind was set one way, that’s just the way things were. So why can’t I have that same type of control when it comes to recreational substances? I believe that in the long term, after much discipline, self-awareness and some abstinence, that I can successfully execute that type of control. However, I do believe that the only way I can make that type of self control a reality is by cutting my DoC’s out entirely for a while and kicking the physical dependency. All the while reformatting my brain to not be so weak and susceptible to triggers. I need to know that I can have a craving, not succumb to it, and be completely okay. Not taking a hit every 2-4 hours is not going to kill me. Neither is not taking a hit for a week or a month or more.
I know that is not what they teach you in drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs. Total abstinence is the only way. Once and addict always and addict and so forth. And I believe that to be true as well, to some extent. But just because you can become addicted, or maybe are more prone to addiction than your neighbor, does not mean that it can’t be controlled. Why would I agree to quit something for the rest of my life, when I personally find no problem in the act of taking drugs responsibly, enjoy the high, have no negative preconceived notions about drug use, drug users, or culture? I do not believe that in my life personally, drug use equates to automatic failure. I can be a completely productive member of society, hold a well paying job, maintain balanced relationships and still be a daily heroin user. I believe many people can. Unfortunately, the negative attitude of society on IV drugs users pigeonholes many people.
Drug users and non-drug users alike believe that the two worlds are not compatible. I can’t hold a good job and be a junky. I’m unfit to be a parent and use drugs. I can’t associate with non-drug using peers, they will feel I am inferior. To a point that last one can be true for many relationships with those that don’t understand drug use. But that does not make it true. In no known universe does not taking drugs equate to superiority. But it is such a commonly held belief that many drug users believe it themselves, leading to an extremely high percentage of low self esteem among drug users, especially “hard drug” users. Why? Because that’s what they were taught to believe? Would self-esteem be such a prevalent issue among drug users if that concept wasn’t ground into us at such a young age from all corners of life? Would people be as likely to fall into crime if we were taught that you could hold a steady job, be a professional employee, a good parent and be a recreational drug user?
I have found no reason (beyond unfounded stereotyping and uneducated criticism from the outside world) that myself, or anyone else can’t live a completely normal and successful life, and happen to take IV drugs at the same time. I was a walking example of that success. Held a great paying job. Bought my first home on the beach in Los Angeles. Had all the little luxuries of life and had a daily heroin habit for many years. It wasn’t until I reintroduced meth into the picture that my world came tumbling down. I’m not naive enough believe that any extent of drug abuse is manageable. And therein lies the problem. Where can you draw the line between manageable and unmanageable. That answer is going to differ from individual to individual. And unfortunately, any of us who want to play the role of “life long drug user” are going to be faced (probably repeatedly) with this dilemma. Especially when you are dealing with drugs like meth, because they have a tendency to sneak up on you and take over your whole life before you realize what’s happening. And by then, you may have a very big hole to dig yourself out of.
I was recently struck by a very bizarre comment from a friend of mine that I would have never anticipated in a billion years. Until the past year or so, when my drug use was leaked across the entire internet, and coast to coast to my family and friends, I remained extremely secretive and closeted about heroin, and IV use in general. Unfortunately, I had already fucked my life up so bad with meth, that most everybody knew I had had a problem with that for a number of years. But I had put it in my past and hadn’t touched it for 7 years. When I picked it back up again, it was with the extremely naive belief that this time I knew what it could do and I would be strong enough to avoid its pitfalls, and still use daily. Boy was I wrong. I lost my job, my house, many friends and caused my family a great deal of pain and anguish. I have since cut meth out, and never plan on using daily again. Immediately my life started turning around. I felt healthier. I was being more productive. I put on weight. Things started generally going the way I designed them. Since this all went down, I came out to an old friend about my heroin addiction. To my absolute shock, he pretty much called me a liar. I couldn’t be addicted to heroin, especially to extent that I use, and still be that put together. Real junkies don’t own homes and have good jobs. All of this was through text message mind you. When I first received that text, I literally didn’t understand what I was reading. Why would I lie about something like that? And why would someone doubt me? I texted him back for verification that what I was reading was actually what he meant. It was. At first I turned defensive, thinking things like “I can’t believe that you would call me a liar after I had the courage to tell you”. But to his points, all of the bad things he was pointing out had actually happened to me in the last year.
Although I do contribute most of those failures to meth, balancing a life style of 2 hard core IV drugs is going to take its toll on your life no matter what they are. So I can’t say it was entirely meth’s fault and heroin had nothing to do with it, that would foolish. I shot back some text outlining all of those bad things that had happened to me, some of which he hadn’t known about until then.
But I’m kinda sorry that I reacted that way. Mainly because it contradicts the point I am trying to make in my life, and what I believe can be true for many drug users. That you can achieve that balanced life and you aren’t doomed for life on the streets just because you’re a junky. I should have taken it as a compliment I suppose that I was able to lead a life that most people would never recognize as one of a junkies. At least for a while anyway. Who knows what direction my life would have turned, or what misfortunes I could have avoided if I had stuck to heroin and hadn’t touched meth again. It’s pointless to speculate. Maybe all of this would have happened eventually, but be spaced out over many years, rather than a Babylonian downfall. Meth has a tendency to expedite things like that
.But back to my original thought. Yes, I want to have better control of this drug. Any amount of control at this point. And I recognize that abstinence is the only way to gain enough separation to look at this situation through clear eyes. So like most drug users at some point throughout their drug using career, I have been struggling with “quitting”. Which is really more like “abstaining for a while” in my situation. And once again, I’m taking on the challenge next week of not using for 14 days. But since quitting is not the end goal here, I’m refusing to address it as such during this break. That would imply some sense of failure if and when I return to a more moderate intake.
In the meantime, I’m going to try to continue blogging. Maybe furthering my depth of topics and addressing other current topics of interest – like the fact that Phish has announced summer tour dates, and how I’m heading to Oakland for 2 nights to see TAB.
or maybe anyone following along at this point will just roll their eyes and be like "wtf? either you two need to break up or get back together. this pseudo-break up is bizarre and needs to stop"?
unglued's grandparent's are getting really old. i like them. i would like to see them again (maybe more than once?). they are too old to travel. and i don't want to go see them by myself. it is looking like both unglued and i will be back in ohio for the same wedding (the assumption was that unglued, vgoraz and i would attend together. it now seems that i will be vgoraz's date and unglued will take our friend burr.) i told unglued that i would really like to go see his family with him while we are in the same area. we also want to go visit my cousin, who is also getting close to that really old category.
stuff like this really confuses me. i mean, even if i don't love unglued, am i supposed to dislike his whole family too? i've always gotten along better with them than my own family, so that is also a factor. my cousin, that he wants to see again, is sorta a person non-grata in my immediate family. is it weird that he still wants to see my cousin? i guess i should add the my cousin and his grandparents live in the same city, we used to visit both, alternating who we stayed with.
i swear this entire thing would be easier if the two of us hated each other. sometimes i think there is still a glimmer of hope in this relationship. but neither of us is willing to change, so i know it won't happen.
unglued's grandparent's are getting really old. i like them. i would like to see them again (maybe more than once?). they are too old to travel. and i don't want to go see them by myself. it is looking like both unglued and i will be back in ohio for the same wedding (the assumption was that unglued, vgoraz and i would attend together. it now seems that i will be vgoraz's date and unglued will take our friend burr.) i told unglued that i would really like to go see his family with him while we are in the same area. we also want to go visit my cousin, who is also getting close to that really old category.
stuff like this really confuses me. i mean, even if i don't love unglued, am i supposed to dislike his whole family too? i've always gotten along better with them than my own family, so that is also a factor. my cousin, that he wants to see again, is sorta a person non-grata in my immediate family. is it weird that he still wants to see my cousin? i guess i should add the my cousin and his grandparents live in the same city, we used to visit both, alternating who we stayed with.
i swear this entire thing would be easier if the two of us hated each other. sometimes i think there is still a glimmer of hope in this relationship. but neither of us is willing to change, so i know it won't happen.
Is it so wrong that I can admit that I am not ready to get clean yet?
I feel like such a slime ball for not WANTING to get clean. I want to WANT to get clean but if I think about it honestly, then, no, I am not ready to get clean. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am scared, maybe I am not strong enough. Fuck.
I feel like such a slime ball for not WANTING to get clean. I want to WANT to get clean but if I think about it honestly, then, no, I am not ready to get clean. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am scared, maybe I am not strong enough. Fuck.
Ahh the familiar warm feeling that only a xanax and 30 degree room can bring.
Twice this week. Trying to lay off the booze so this has been a much needed breather.
Mr. A is now on the scene. New. Young. Hot. Trust worthy? I dont yet know. For now I will hold my feelings at bay and test the waters. Maybe things are moving too quickly? He is coming to europe with me. So guess that means no break up on the horizon any time soon.
I like him. This feels right so I'm going to run with it and get involved.
Twice this week. Trying to lay off the booze so this has been a much needed breather.
Mr. A is now on the scene. New. Young. Hot. Trust worthy? I dont yet know. For now I will hold my feelings at bay and test the waters. Maybe things are moving too quickly? He is coming to europe with me. So guess that means no break up on the horizon any time soon.
I like him. This feels right so I'm going to run with it and get involved.
Hi dear, your report was VERY powerful hun I have tears in my eyes in part because Dec 2, 1990 I ended the life of what had been my unborn son, conceived on my 26th birthday Oct 4 making him 2 months in utero, my one and only time I've ever been pregnant. To this day, I guess I'll never know if considering the circumstances, not having had an adoptive pair of parents ready to raise him, not knowing at the time I could NOT ever give birth natually without serious brain damage, coma, or more merciful ly, death. At the time, I didn't know I had a condition, birth defect called NPH, known in layman's terms as "water on the brain." I wouldn't in fact find out for another 2 years.
Regretfully too, I had been a heavy drug user that would take addiction to a new level in 6 months to painkillers. What I knew at the time had been pure fear, as I did the math of my finances - enough to support one person, pay rent, car, food, utilities ect. Even omitting drugs, adding the cost of a baby which would of cost $500/mo just for child care for an infant so I could work 40 hrs a wk, which alone was enough to sink me. I was in this alone an couldnt count on help from the dad because he made $5/hr & I could not ask him to help as I had failed to inform him I had gone off the pill 4 months before our night which is lying by omission. He knew I'd been on the pill 11 yrs, so of course it was reasonable to assume I was protected against unplanned pregnancy since I didn't inform him "uh dude by the way you might want to wear a rubber or we could go buy some foam, or risk me getting knocked up. any thoughts?" LOL. Mood killer for sure so we did a bunch of speed after going to Pink Floyd lazer show an went at it 8 hrs. Sex as a single woman was an infrequent event at best.
I didn't see the point of birth control pills being celebate 98% of the time. Dave wasn't my boyfriend, but what is referred to today as friends with benefits, but we were on the same page an I felt comfortable having known him 10 yrs. My birthday that night had been day 32 of my cycle the day my period was due. No chance of getting knocked up, how I was due that day. Ten days later, still no period, uh oh, so I had my coworker get a blood sample to find out HGC level which should of been 5-10 if not pregnant. I had been in a state of disbelief of equal parts exhilarated for the new life I was carrying - and whacked out fear.
I can't support this baby alone, my heavy drug use so early have I damaged an innocent child, my son? I heard this constant negative voice in my head of what an utter fuck up I was an if he wasn't damaged physically, I was a real scum bag and it was my fault he wouldn't have 2 parents, and my fragile self worth as it was would surely contaminate my son psychologically. A single woman with very low self esteem and earning power doesn't stand a chance in hell of raising him with positive assets.
I heard my dad's voice saying I'd be a major fuck up as a parent too. Then, came the massive mood swings even being sober. I wasnt in a balanced frame of mind colored sharply by drastic mood swings of inappropriate anger over trivial shit or bursting into tears without warning. Then the violent sickness from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. My productivity at work took a drastic decline an I let fear run rampant thinking I was going to get fired unless I stepped up my production. The fatigue was next, an the final fear factor that did me in. Taking my supervisor aside, I told him why my performance had been lacking.
To his credit I couldn't of asked for a better boss. He thanked me for my honesty and said he had no problem if I called in sick alot, but after 6 sick days he couldnt do anything about me losing pay. If I lost much more pay, I couldn't pay rent so I paniced and did speed then felt like a rat. God have I damaged my boy? What a scum bag I was an the cycle continued. What if I put him up for adoption but he came out damaged?
They would back out, the state would take him an he'd be institutionalised. I was an emotional basket case by then. How could I kill my baby? What were the bleak alternatives? My family would NOT be supportive of adoption. The adoption agencies said they would need the dad's signature giving up paternal rights. Suppose he won't? Then what? My mom always said she never wanted to know I was pregnant unless I planned on keeping it or letting her raise him. How would I go about hiding an adoption an keepin mom from finding out I was pregnant? Then my coworkers and patients would all know an ask about my baby and I would have to tell them I put him up for adoption.
What a fine flippin mess I got my dumb ass into & all because I didn't tell him we need to take a drive to the store an pick up some contraceptives. He would of been slightly annoyed, but so what. Its not like he wasnt horny enough. As fearful as I was having him getting rid of him felt a different kind of awful. The women both sides of my family had prolonged, extreme labor at best and death or C-section only. Didnt know my fathers medical family history either or the fact Im not supposed to ever have any but C-section . I cringe to think what would have been his fate if I had grown a set an stepped up to the plate of parental responsibility? Born with a vegtable for a mom or dead mom and Dave I now know would want to be in his son's life.
At least he'd not of lost both parent. So, between my mom, Dave, plus Dave's parents he would of been provided for and taken care of, especially without such an insecure, negative, influence of someone like the person I had been as his mother. He would of or could of been born July 4, 1991 or perhaps June 28th Daves birthday. He would have turned 22 this June or July.
Knowing now what I didn't know then, I'd advise myself to chill out and not stress out so heavily about all the endless possible fuck ups that could go wrong. I told Dave 2yrs after the fact an that I didnt feel I had any right to burden him since he wasnt informed I had been off the pill. I hated women that practiced deception by getting pregnant to trap a guy into marriage. Dave would have gotten married. I know because 4 yrs later a different woman got knocked up an she held him responsible so they got married, Jordan was raised in the home given to his parents when they got married.
Dave got divorced and his ex wife wanted one more kid so she had a one night stand, got knocked up, the dad didnt want anything to do with the kid so she asked Dave if he wanted to adopt Logan and he did. So, I forgave myself I think long ago, but would tell my 26 yr old self not to sweat the small stuff an to relax a bit. Shit can be worked out.
Regretfully too, I had been a heavy drug user that would take addiction to a new level in 6 months to painkillers. What I knew at the time had been pure fear, as I did the math of my finances - enough to support one person, pay rent, car, food, utilities ect. Even omitting drugs, adding the cost of a baby which would of cost $500/mo just for child care for an infant so I could work 40 hrs a wk, which alone was enough to sink me. I was in this alone an couldnt count on help from the dad because he made $5/hr & I could not ask him to help as I had failed to inform him I had gone off the pill 4 months before our night which is lying by omission. He knew I'd been on the pill 11 yrs, so of course it was reasonable to assume I was protected against unplanned pregnancy since I didn't inform him "uh dude by the way you might want to wear a rubber or we could go buy some foam, or risk me getting knocked up. any thoughts?" LOL. Mood killer for sure so we did a bunch of speed after going to Pink Floyd lazer show an went at it 8 hrs. Sex as a single woman was an infrequent event at best.
I didn't see the point of birth control pills being celebate 98% of the time. Dave wasn't my boyfriend, but what is referred to today as friends with benefits, but we were on the same page an I felt comfortable having known him 10 yrs. My birthday that night had been day 32 of my cycle the day my period was due. No chance of getting knocked up, how I was due that day. Ten days later, still no period, uh oh, so I had my coworker get a blood sample to find out HGC level which should of been 5-10 if not pregnant. I had been in a state of disbelief of equal parts exhilarated for the new life I was carrying - and whacked out fear.
I can't support this baby alone, my heavy drug use so early have I damaged an innocent child, my son? I heard this constant negative voice in my head of what an utter fuck up I was an if he wasn't damaged physically, I was a real scum bag and it was my fault he wouldn't have 2 parents, and my fragile self worth as it was would surely contaminate my son psychologically. A single woman with very low self esteem and earning power doesn't stand a chance in hell of raising him with positive assets.
I heard my dad's voice saying I'd be a major fuck up as a parent too. Then, came the massive mood swings even being sober. I wasnt in a balanced frame of mind colored sharply by drastic mood swings of inappropriate anger over trivial shit or bursting into tears without warning. Then the violent sickness from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. My productivity at work took a drastic decline an I let fear run rampant thinking I was going to get fired unless I stepped up my production. The fatigue was next, an the final fear factor that did me in. Taking my supervisor aside, I told him why my performance had been lacking.
To his credit I couldn't of asked for a better boss. He thanked me for my honesty and said he had no problem if I called in sick alot, but after 6 sick days he couldnt do anything about me losing pay. If I lost much more pay, I couldn't pay rent so I paniced and did speed then felt like a rat. God have I damaged my boy? What a scum bag I was an the cycle continued. What if I put him up for adoption but he came out damaged?
They would back out, the state would take him an he'd be institutionalised. I was an emotional basket case by then. How could I kill my baby? What were the bleak alternatives? My family would NOT be supportive of adoption. The adoption agencies said they would need the dad's signature giving up paternal rights. Suppose he won't? Then what? My mom always said she never wanted to know I was pregnant unless I planned on keeping it or letting her raise him. How would I go about hiding an adoption an keepin mom from finding out I was pregnant? Then my coworkers and patients would all know an ask about my baby and I would have to tell them I put him up for adoption.
What a fine flippin mess I got my dumb ass into & all because I didn't tell him we need to take a drive to the store an pick up some contraceptives. He would of been slightly annoyed, but so what. Its not like he wasnt horny enough. As fearful as I was having him getting rid of him felt a different kind of awful. The women both sides of my family had prolonged, extreme labor at best and death or C-section only. Didnt know my fathers medical family history either or the fact Im not supposed to ever have any but C-section . I cringe to think what would have been his fate if I had grown a set an stepped up to the plate of parental responsibility? Born with a vegtable for a mom or dead mom and Dave I now know would want to be in his son's life.
At least he'd not of lost both parent. So, between my mom, Dave, plus Dave's parents he would of been provided for and taken care of, especially without such an insecure, negative, influence of someone like the person I had been as his mother. He would of or could of been born July 4, 1991 or perhaps June 28th Daves birthday. He would have turned 22 this June or July.
Knowing now what I didn't know then, I'd advise myself to chill out and not stress out so heavily about all the endless possible fuck ups that could go wrong. I told Dave 2yrs after the fact an that I didnt feel I had any right to burden him since he wasnt informed I had been off the pill. I hated women that practiced deception by getting pregnant to trap a guy into marriage. Dave would have gotten married. I know because 4 yrs later a different woman got knocked up an she held him responsible so they got married, Jordan was raised in the home given to his parents when they got married.
Dave got divorced and his ex wife wanted one more kid so she had a one night stand, got knocked up, the dad didnt want anything to do with the kid so she asked Dave if he wanted to adopt Logan and he did. So, I forgave myself I think long ago, but would tell my 26 yr old self not to sweat the small stuff an to relax a bit. Shit can be worked out.
As a guy who is deep down pretty shy around people i have no problem greeting with a handshake and making eye contacted. I do this as it actually helps me know the person from the word go and helps me feel at ease about the newly met person in front of me. However, i don’t think this overcomes shyness at all. We are naturally judgmental creatures and i have spent some of my life studying the world of communication and how people can come across to others. I don’t actually think it is really as useful as i once thought it could've been.
I over analyse a lot of thing’s 99% of the time and has turned into a curse rather than a gift. Obviously people around me can tell me to stop this but in actual fact it is almost impossible for me to do so. I have no reason for why i do it either. It’s such a natural trait of my own that it is implanted straight into my brain. It has actually driven me to do the total opposite of things i once learnt to be positive about. Here is the problem i pose “is there really a correct way to socialize?”.
I also think too much about what people think of me which most of the time makes me feel disconnected towards the person talking to me. there is only a certain type of person who can take my mind off this. Those people are energetic and speak before they think. I somehow get caught in their freedom and soak in their persona. Somehow i latch onto these people for the sense of comfort they bring. Obviously this is a state of attraction.
i find it hard to see thing’s from an instinctual level and when i do get it then i am hooked which then creates an obsession towards that person. A need to be around these people at all times. That is the only gut feeling i ever get these days. Another thing is that i feel as if i never get this from anyone else. I’m always the one chasing rather than being chased. I believe this contributes to my loneliness and longing.
A good conversation for me is like a drug. I crave it!! after not having one for a very long time i feel depressed and empty. Anything deep and meaningful is like heroin, the hit is pretty intense. once i get that hit i get a short high and i feel enlightened and very content within myself. on my own, i can never reach this level and it frustrates me. it’s like i have to depend on others to pick me up.
Sometimes learning something can be very beneficial but when practised wrongly it can have detrimental effects. Learning to unlearn however can be put into better use for anyone who has something they thought to be a gift turned into a curse. The way to do this is to eradicate yourself away from the thing’s that have put yourself there, in my case, i can’t be ridden from women. Women are put here as a test. They are intelligent creatures, granted the gift of naturally higher social value and brain’s to fit. The conflict of man has always been a tricky one and the mentality that a woman should make me a sandwich has always puzzled me. i don't want a sandwich, i want intelligence, gentleness and a good heart. something that is very hard to find. But then we get back to the obsession. once i find it, i can’t let it go. Just like finding gold, diamonds or winning a million pounds. it’s rare and should be cherished. Your heart flutters and your mind becomes as occupied as 50 clowns in a mini. So if you are with someone, with all these traits and more then don’t let them go, because the difference between a women and gold aren't too different at all, because you can either keep it or leave it and it would be pretty damn stupid to leave it.
I over analyse a lot of thing’s 99% of the time and has turned into a curse rather than a gift. Obviously people around me can tell me to stop this but in actual fact it is almost impossible for me to do so. I have no reason for why i do it either. It’s such a natural trait of my own that it is implanted straight into my brain. It has actually driven me to do the total opposite of things i once learnt to be positive about. Here is the problem i pose “is there really a correct way to socialize?”.
I also think too much about what people think of me which most of the time makes me feel disconnected towards the person talking to me. there is only a certain type of person who can take my mind off this. Those people are energetic and speak before they think. I somehow get caught in their freedom and soak in their persona. Somehow i latch onto these people for the sense of comfort they bring. Obviously this is a state of attraction.
i find it hard to see thing’s from an instinctual level and when i do get it then i am hooked which then creates an obsession towards that person. A need to be around these people at all times. That is the only gut feeling i ever get these days. Another thing is that i feel as if i never get this from anyone else. I’m always the one chasing rather than being chased. I believe this contributes to my loneliness and longing.
A good conversation for me is like a drug. I crave it!! after not having one for a very long time i feel depressed and empty. Anything deep and meaningful is like heroin, the hit is pretty intense. once i get that hit i get a short high and i feel enlightened and very content within myself. on my own, i can never reach this level and it frustrates me. it’s like i have to depend on others to pick me up.
Sometimes learning something can be very beneficial but when practised wrongly it can have detrimental effects. Learning to unlearn however can be put into better use for anyone who has something they thought to be a gift turned into a curse. The way to do this is to eradicate yourself away from the thing’s that have put yourself there, in my case, i can’t be ridden from women. Women are put here as a test. They are intelligent creatures, granted the gift of naturally higher social value and brain’s to fit. The conflict of man has always been a tricky one and the mentality that a woman should make me a sandwich has always puzzled me. i don't want a sandwich, i want intelligence, gentleness and a good heart. something that is very hard to find. But then we get back to the obsession. once i find it, i can’t let it go. Just like finding gold, diamonds or winning a million pounds. it’s rare and should be cherished. Your heart flutters and your mind becomes as occupied as 50 clowns in a mini. So if you are with someone, with all these traits and more then don’t let them go, because the difference between a women and gold aren't too different at all, because you can either keep it or leave it and it would be pretty damn stupid to leave it.
An end of an era which started mindless criticism. Take it out and throw it away from yourself as most of the time these people don’t even know why they say the things that they do. It is pointless and mostly irresponsible on the persons part. These people obviously don’t know the first thing about responsibility. I guess that’s why they open their mouths before thinking. If they really knew what happened then they wouldn't be talking about it in the first place. Most opinions are thought of before said aloud therefore thinking is the key action here. Many people want to come across like they know what they are talking about. Well, some people hope they do, especially myself. We feel we have to protect ourselves incase we appear stupid. I say fuck em, what do they know.
Give it a couple of weeks and people won’t even remember. Their opinion will change because they didn't have one in the first place. They copy others and think “oh yeah, that’s right. he has a good point”. Because these people have somehow influenced each other in some way they take it upon themselves to spread that opinion and expect the same reaction. It’s a chain reaction of stupidity. Once they get the reaction they didn't hope for they do the safe thing and disconnect themselves from any identity they possessed when attached to that opinion. They run away and feed off the next.
Educating them will only make them turn against you because they initially don’t care. Growing up to become the people that society want them to be. plucking and removing the important pieces that make us human. well, i hope it’s worth it.
My battle isn't an easy one. What will be a cause it is for people to understand. This is however a battle in itself. A lack of understanding within a mass scale. So, who will be the one to lead? Because all i see are people complaining and not doing anything. It has been going on for years. The real truth is that we can’t do anything and that’s why it hasn't happened. The people who think they know best will always think and not do because that’s what they are best at, thinking. We are not doers. At the end of the day the devil will never be vulnerable. There is no weak spot. This is because the devil pays attention to these vulnerable places and makes them better as he knows how these things work already. Maybe in due time the devil will fuck himself up. That is the only time anything will happen and when that time is apparent we won’t think twice about taking him down. what will happen after that is up to us!
Give it a couple of weeks and people won’t even remember. Their opinion will change because they didn't have one in the first place. They copy others and think “oh yeah, that’s right. he has a good point”. Because these people have somehow influenced each other in some way they take it upon themselves to spread that opinion and expect the same reaction. It’s a chain reaction of stupidity. Once they get the reaction they didn't hope for they do the safe thing and disconnect themselves from any identity they possessed when attached to that opinion. They run away and feed off the next.
Educating them will only make them turn against you because they initially don’t care. Growing up to become the people that society want them to be. plucking and removing the important pieces that make us human. well, i hope it’s worth it.
My battle isn't an easy one. What will be a cause it is for people to understand. This is however a battle in itself. A lack of understanding within a mass scale. So, who will be the one to lead? Because all i see are people complaining and not doing anything. It has been going on for years. The real truth is that we can’t do anything and that’s why it hasn't happened. The people who think they know best will always think and not do because that’s what they are best at, thinking. We are not doers. At the end of the day the devil will never be vulnerable. There is no weak spot. This is because the devil pays attention to these vulnerable places and makes them better as he knows how these things work already. Maybe in due time the devil will fuck himself up. That is the only time anything will happen and when that time is apparent we won’t think twice about taking him down. what will happen after that is up to us!
I like the This Bike is a Pipe Bomb version better but whatever...
I am nearly done with my first semester at FAU. My school has been in the news a lot this semester for a bunch of silly shit. First they took a donation from a private prison company, then a professor denied the Newtown shooting ever took place, then another professor wanted students to "stomp Jesus," now the school is giving Geo Group their money back.
I've got no passion for business. Like, none at all. It is boring to me; the people who love it are boring to me. Part of me really aches to be the student I would have been back in 2005 if I'd never picked up dope. I want to be studying all kinds of fun things, and I want to do it entirely with loans. Instead I have been sensible and I've held a job this whole time to minimize my student loans and such. And I'm studying something that will be a worthwhile investment.
Management of Information Systems doesn't sound like much fun, but it means I will get to fuck around with technology--which is something I've always enjoyed. I just partitioned my laptop for a Linux installation and I don't even know why. I am going to try and learn some Python, too.
Other than that I am recommitting myself to prayer and meditation and hopefully I'll be provided the opportunity to help some people here soon.
Lately I've seen two posts telling users--one MDMA user and one Adderall (amphetamine) user--to just forget about it, the euphoria, that is.
If only it were so easy.
Sometimes I feel like Ulysses (the Homeric one, not the internet legend who went to prison for MDMA manufacture or James Joyce's protagonist) who had his crew tie him to his ship's mast so he could hear the alluring Siren song without crashing the boat onto the rocks. Although hearing the Siren song was beautiful, exhilirating, and wonderful, for years thereafter Ulysses was tormented by the memory because he wanted to repeat it, to experience it again. I know how he feels.
They say no one wants to grow up to be a junkie, but after reading Andrew Weil's "From Chocolate to Morphine" in high school religiously, from cover to cover, I immediately signed on to his philosophy and chose to be a psychonaut, which is a fancy term for a particular type of junkie, really.
Years later, after abusing MDMA in the late 1990s until 2002 and then crystal meth from 1996 until 2007, I feel much the same way. I became an amphetamine addict. I still take 60mg of Adderall (amphetamine) a day, and I still want more.
However, Adderall is a much less damaging daily habit than methamphetamine, and it's legal. If drugs were cheap, readily available, and legal, then I would not have a problem. I would always have more.
But the black market drives up prices and reduces availability and sometimes purity. You see, as long as I am high, then I am happy. Running out or not being able to get some old drug anymore is what bothers me.
Anyhow, I became a bona fide psychonaut just as I had intended to trying all sorts of alphabet soup barely legal and sometimes illegal research chemicals, but I must also mention rehab 4x, countless mental hospitals, a couple of real hospitals (overdoses), too many forced 12 step meetings, and a crack addiction, which is now in remission. So I thank God that I'm still alive.
But, the truth is, I still feel like the band My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult's song lyric that says, "I live for drugs. Its great. It's great."
If only it were so easy.
Sometimes I feel like Ulysses (the Homeric one, not the internet legend who went to prison for MDMA manufacture or James Joyce's protagonist) who had his crew tie him to his ship's mast so he could hear the alluring Siren song without crashing the boat onto the rocks. Although hearing the Siren song was beautiful, exhilirating, and wonderful, for years thereafter Ulysses was tormented by the memory because he wanted to repeat it, to experience it again. I know how he feels.
They say no one wants to grow up to be a junkie, but after reading Andrew Weil's "From Chocolate to Morphine" in high school religiously, from cover to cover, I immediately signed on to his philosophy and chose to be a psychonaut, which is a fancy term for a particular type of junkie, really.
Years later, after abusing MDMA in the late 1990s until 2002 and then crystal meth from 1996 until 2007, I feel much the same way. I became an amphetamine addict. I still take 60mg of Adderall (amphetamine) a day, and I still want more.
However, Adderall is a much less damaging daily habit than methamphetamine, and it's legal. If drugs were cheap, readily available, and legal, then I would not have a problem. I would always have more.
But the black market drives up prices and reduces availability and sometimes purity. You see, as long as I am high, then I am happy. Running out or not being able to get some old drug anymore is what bothers me.
Anyhow, I became a bona fide psychonaut just as I had intended to trying all sorts of alphabet soup barely legal and sometimes illegal research chemicals, but I must also mention rehab 4x, countless mental hospitals, a couple of real hospitals (overdoses), too many forced 12 step meetings, and a crack addiction, which is now in remission. So I thank God that I'm still alive.
But, the truth is, I still feel like the band My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult's song lyric that says, "I live for drugs. Its great. It's great."
i weigh 152 pounds with a pair of corduroy pants and a long sleeve shirt on. this means i actually weigh 150 pounds. fuck. this is not good.
pain appointment this week... have to decide whether to spend my money on medication i need to function or to publish the book (may have already spent too much on that though)... the May 11th dead-line seems like a non-workable date as well. fml.
rented "The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct" for Xbox360 from redbox for like a few pennies shy of 90 cents for a day. pretty awesome game... i'd be fucked in a zombie apocalypse it would seem though, as there are no starting "levels" over in real life.
ennui and a lack of interest in things is getting to me again...
bleh.
i hope y'all enjoyed the teaser of Chapter Five's Poem and Sketch.... come on and answer the questions at the bottom!
pain appointment this week... have to decide whether to spend my money on medication i need to function or to publish the book (may have already spent too much on that though)... the May 11th dead-line seems like a non-workable date as well. fml.
rented "The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct" for Xbox360 from redbox for like a few pennies shy of 90 cents for a day. pretty awesome game... i'd be fucked in a zombie apocalypse it would seem though, as there are no starting "levels" over in real life.
ennui and a lack of interest in things is getting to me again...
bleh.
i hope y'all enjoyed the teaser of Chapter Five's Poem and Sketch.... come on and answer the questions at the bottom!
In the last few years, I've been a real douche to people that don't deserve it. About a year ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed what I was. But by then it appeared to be too late.
This was only seconds after slitting my wrists.
Fortunately, my brother found me lying in the bathroom bleeding out and he rushed me to the hospital. Since then I have recovered from my deppression and found myself in a deep state of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'll have it for the rest of my life.
Before this life threatening incident, I was attending some very difficult 8th grade classes. I was one of the smartest kids in the entire school. But there were the jocks at this school, as there are at every school and almost every place you go when you walk down the hallways. I got on the wrong side of the worst one of them. The consequences resulted in physical and verbal bullying. At the same time, I began to fail most of my classes. The usual nerds that I hung out with no longer paid homage to my grades. Inside I became depressed, forsaken, and lost in a world of hate that turned out to be my own thoughts.
I was about halfway through the year when I began to bully someone myself. The worst part was that it was a girl, and strikingly gorgeous on that note. My mind was too sullen and cloudy that I became blind to the fact that she was actually a very nice girl.
I am forcing myself to now apologize to this girl, and hopefully she will forgive me. I'm doing it in a few hours and not even my parents will know about it. This is going to be painful.
At least I'm being nice for a change, and I'm a little proud of myself to how I've recovered.
This was only seconds after slitting my wrists.
Fortunately, my brother found me lying in the bathroom bleeding out and he rushed me to the hospital. Since then I have recovered from my deppression and found myself in a deep state of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'll have it for the rest of my life.
Before this life threatening incident, I was attending some very difficult 8th grade classes. I was one of the smartest kids in the entire school. But there were the jocks at this school, as there are at every school and almost every place you go when you walk down the hallways. I got on the wrong side of the worst one of them. The consequences resulted in physical and verbal bullying. At the same time, I began to fail most of my classes. The usual nerds that I hung out with no longer paid homage to my grades. Inside I became depressed, forsaken, and lost in a world of hate that turned out to be my own thoughts.
I was about halfway through the year when I began to bully someone myself. The worst part was that it was a girl, and strikingly gorgeous on that note. My mind was too sullen and cloudy that I became blind to the fact that she was actually a very nice girl.
I am forcing myself to now apologize to this girl, and hopefully she will forgive me. I'm doing it in a few hours and not even my parents will know about it. This is going to be painful.
At least I'm being nice for a change, and I'm a little proud of myself to how I've recovered.
unglued and i have begun telling people we are divorcing or at least splitting up for the time being. i am taking a leave of absence from work, so i can decide if moving to seattle is truly what i want to do. telling people has been difficult. i feel like we are hiding some big secret or something, so i feel all weird until the news is out in the open. unglued has stopped wearing his wedding band, tho i have still been wearing mine.
in theory, i want to move and i am excited to move. in practical matters, i am leaving behind a job where i am highly regarded and able to get pretty much whatever i want in terms of hours/schedule. i am given a lot of freedom by my supervisors. it is pretty fun to be able to do sessions at the park, at the bowling alley, at disneyland, at chuck e cheese. i feel like i am playing most of the time which is pretty awesome.
but living here is expensive. and i don't really like living here. if i stayed in so cal, i would prolly move up towards the westside. that is where most of my friends live and the area i like to hang out in. i suppose i could transfer within in my company if i did decide to move in los angeles county. i find the whole where i will be living more stressful than the actual break up.
i am very lucky that i have supportive friends. who have been very patient while my mood swings from normal to sad to angry. and the fact that i have been texting them at all hours to share random thoughts. and they are very good about not asking questions or dropping subjects if i don't want to discuss matters.
as to me and unglued, we are still hanging out and going about our daily lives. i've got to go to work now but perhaps i will update this later.
as an aside, i am taking the kid to a soup buffet today to introduce her to new foods. these are the things i really like about my job.
fucktwat found out i am moving back. i am not sure if the words "utterly elated" quite encapsulate his reaction. then he wanted to know if unglued decided he was gay. i guess that is what happens when i decide to be attracted to an outspoken asshole.
in theory, i want to move and i am excited to move. in practical matters, i am leaving behind a job where i am highly regarded and able to get pretty much whatever i want in terms of hours/schedule. i am given a lot of freedom by my supervisors. it is pretty fun to be able to do sessions at the park, at the bowling alley, at disneyland, at chuck e cheese. i feel like i am playing most of the time which is pretty awesome.
but living here is expensive. and i don't really like living here. if i stayed in so cal, i would prolly move up towards the westside. that is where most of my friends live and the area i like to hang out in. i suppose i could transfer within in my company if i did decide to move in los angeles county. i find the whole where i will be living more stressful than the actual break up.
i am very lucky that i have supportive friends. who have been very patient while my mood swings from normal to sad to angry. and the fact that i have been texting them at all hours to share random thoughts. and they are very good about not asking questions or dropping subjects if i don't want to discuss matters.
as to me and unglued, we are still hanging out and going about our daily lives. i've got to go to work now but perhaps i will update this later.
as an aside, i am taking the kid to a soup buffet today to introduce her to new foods. these are the things i really like about my job.
fucktwat found out i am moving back. i am not sure if the words "utterly elated" quite encapsulate his reaction. then he wanted to know if unglued decided he was gay. i guess that is what happens when i decide to be attracted to an outspoken asshole.
I have been tired of the 'junkie lifestyle' for so long now, and getting arrested and thrown in jail for nearly a week before finally getting released two months ago was the big wakeup call for me. Since then I've been mentally psyching myself up to quit, gathering up the things I need to taper, and just in general getting more and more pissed off at the people I had to deal with on a daily basis and the things heroin did to fuck up my life... or rather, the things I did ON heroin (or should I say when I didn't have it and was trying to get it) to fuck up MY OWN life. Two days ago now - Saturday night at around 11:30 pm - I did my last dose. Now it's Monday at 7 pm.
The detox has been a lot easier than I expected so far, but I know a lot of that is in part due to the fact that I've been using weaker opiates to taper. The first day (yesterday) I took three 60 mg MS Contin.... it wasn't enough to take me completely out of withdrawal, but it made it way more bearable. Today I've been using 20mg Norco every 4 hours or so. I feel worse than yesterday, but it's still bearable. Tomorrow I'll finish the Norco, deal with feeling crappy the rest of the day, and then dose 1 mg of Suboxone on Wednesday morning. I'll take another 1 mg at night if I need it, then split two .5 mg doses on Thursday, then start taking 1 mg every other day for a few days, then .5 per day for a few days every other day... and then I will be done with the whole process by the end of next week. After that I'm hoping to just have to deal with some residual uncomfortable physical symptoms.
The mental part hasn't been hard because I am really, REALLY DONE with heroin this time. It's fucked up my life, I can't stand dealing with the shady and scandalous people all the time... they're not my "friends" unless I have something they can either rob me of or talk me out of giving them, so fuck them... and I'm just over it. I've hardly had any real cravings, nothing that's sent me into a frenzy trying to pick up anyway. That's good, because that's always the first thing that happens when I try to kick. I've never made it this far before. A few times a craving would hit, and I'd think that it would be as easy as going and asking my parents to borrow $20... but then I stop and think, okay, I'll have a dub to last me through tonight and tomorrow.... and then what? I'll be back where I started with my pill supply depleted and stuck going through a worse detox with no real way to taper. So I decide it's not worth it, refrain, go watch random videos on YouTube, and the craving passes within 20 minutes or so.
Besides the thought of hitting anyone up and dealing with any junkies right now is just not appealing to me. So fuck that.
Anyway. I'm just trying to hang in there and stay motivated. Whatever mental issues I do have, I know will be minor enough to be fixed by going to a meeting or whatever. I've noticed that the attitude you have really does make a huge difference. You really do have to be ready to quit. I know I'm ready this time. I just need to make it through the initial few weeks of feeling like absolute crap without running out and getting my quick fix.
I'm excited for this to end though and really hope I make it. I get excited when I think about starting school again next semester, and finding a job, and making new friends who are clean (or at least just not junkies lol). I want to be able to do all that stuff. I don't want my life to be reduced to chasing a bag of tar all day every day. I'm over it.
I guess that's all. I just wanted to write about what I'm going through right now, I figured it would help cuz right now I'm having kind of a tough time... and I can come back and reread it whenever i need a little motivation...
Later
- xbc
The detox has been a lot easier than I expected so far, but I know a lot of that is in part due to the fact that I've been using weaker opiates to taper. The first day (yesterday) I took three 60 mg MS Contin.... it wasn't enough to take me completely out of withdrawal, but it made it way more bearable. Today I've been using 20mg Norco every 4 hours or so. I feel worse than yesterday, but it's still bearable. Tomorrow I'll finish the Norco, deal with feeling crappy the rest of the day, and then dose 1 mg of Suboxone on Wednesday morning. I'll take another 1 mg at night if I need it, then split two .5 mg doses on Thursday, then start taking 1 mg every other day for a few days, then .5 per day for a few days every other day... and then I will be done with the whole process by the end of next week. After that I'm hoping to just have to deal with some residual uncomfortable physical symptoms.
The mental part hasn't been hard because I am really, REALLY DONE with heroin this time. It's fucked up my life, I can't stand dealing with the shady and scandalous people all the time... they're not my "friends" unless I have something they can either rob me of or talk me out of giving them, so fuck them... and I'm just over it. I've hardly had any real cravings, nothing that's sent me into a frenzy trying to pick up anyway. That's good, because that's always the first thing that happens when I try to kick. I've never made it this far before. A few times a craving would hit, and I'd think that it would be as easy as going and asking my parents to borrow $20... but then I stop and think, okay, I'll have a dub to last me through tonight and tomorrow.... and then what? I'll be back where I started with my pill supply depleted and stuck going through a worse detox with no real way to taper. So I decide it's not worth it, refrain, go watch random videos on YouTube, and the craving passes within 20 minutes or so.
Besides the thought of hitting anyone up and dealing with any junkies right now is just not appealing to me. So fuck that.
Anyway. I'm just trying to hang in there and stay motivated. Whatever mental issues I do have, I know will be minor enough to be fixed by going to a meeting or whatever. I've noticed that the attitude you have really does make a huge difference. You really do have to be ready to quit. I know I'm ready this time. I just need to make it through the initial few weeks of feeling like absolute crap without running out and getting my quick fix.
I'm excited for this to end though and really hope I make it. I get excited when I think about starting school again next semester, and finding a job, and making new friends who are clean (or at least just not junkies lol). I want to be able to do all that stuff. I don't want my life to be reduced to chasing a bag of tar all day every day. I'm over it.
I guess that's all. I just wanted to write about what I'm going through right now, I figured it would help cuz right now I'm having kind of a tough time... and I can come back and reread it whenever i need a little motivation...
Later
- xbc
Alright its been a shitload of time since my last blog so I figured since I started taking my meds again I would take advantage of my good mood and post a little something to keep everyone who gives a shit some idea whats been going on in my life.
First off I left the whole bitcoin/deathbylollipop thing completely. I figured out it was a waste of time and my so called investors were actually scam artists looking for free promotions. I also had a bunch of friends (the crew from the sheep skin illusions blog read it
that I have completely let go. I'm trying to remain completely focused on my future and career and they just want to bullshit and score a free ride. I attempted to start a molly dealing business but the guy who was supposed to be one of my closest friends low balled me so I said fuck it why bother. I can't even look at any of them now and its obvious to me that they weren't friends to begin with.
My girlfriend/girlfriends are all okay I'm actually at Starbucks now watching one of them work. Completely drooling haha. Anyway I ended up moving back in with my parents because my dad's contract ended and while he is looking for a new job he wouldn't be able to afford my rent. I have a job now paying some decent money as a network administrator but I really don't think I'd be able to pay rent food, gas, and have any sort of dope life if I choose to stay and work. Few months should be fine and I might even get a 6th floor apartment in an exclusive building right near the local promenade. At least thats what I hope.
As for dope I tried gunpowder heroin. It was pretty sweet. I got a .25 from one of my contacts and I smoked that shit all in one day. Got me high as hell and I guess I developed a bit of a taste for heroin. It had a slight smell of vinegar and was black, purple,, and red and came in tiny flakes and a few large chunks. I left a huge chunk the size of an oxy 80 on my notebook on top of my old desk for my girlfriends to nibble on while I was at Starbucks soupin' haha you know. The only drug I sell now adays is heroin and seeing as how I can only sell raw I have to charge 300 a gram. So noones buying broke losers. Instead they are giving the girls a hard time asking for molly and shrooms so I have to tell all those broke bastards to can it.
I started back up with coke again seeing as how I have access to pure but shits different I guess. Maybe I matured or maybe my connections are better because I feel much less scared and more in control of my habit than I did before,. I've been smoking a lot of yoda og kush lately and I have to say its the bomb. Anyone with access to the cali medical bud scene should try to get their hands on it although I think its more of a growers pass around type thing. Like pure kush or what have you.
Anyway still studying for my ccnp should pass the final test this month if I can get my schedule together.
Alright that is it in the land of Spooky and I hope everyone's doing well and not dead.
Peace.
First off I left the whole bitcoin/deathbylollipop thing completely. I figured out it was a waste of time and my so called investors were actually scam artists looking for free promotions. I also had a bunch of friends (the crew from the sheep skin illusions blog read it
that I have completely let go. I'm trying to remain completely focused on my future and career and they just want to bullshit and score a free ride. I attempted to start a molly dealing business but the guy who was supposed to be one of my closest friends low balled me so I said fuck it why bother. I can't even look at any of them now and its obvious to me that they weren't friends to begin with.My girlfriend/girlfriends are all okay I'm actually at Starbucks now watching one of them work. Completely drooling haha. Anyway I ended up moving back in with my parents because my dad's contract ended and while he is looking for a new job he wouldn't be able to afford my rent. I have a job now paying some decent money as a network administrator but I really don't think I'd be able to pay rent food, gas, and have any sort of dope life if I choose to stay and work. Few months should be fine and I might even get a 6th floor apartment in an exclusive building right near the local promenade. At least thats what I hope.
As for dope I tried gunpowder heroin. It was pretty sweet. I got a .25 from one of my contacts and I smoked that shit all in one day. Got me high as hell and I guess I developed a bit of a taste for heroin. It had a slight smell of vinegar and was black, purple,, and red and came in tiny flakes and a few large chunks. I left a huge chunk the size of an oxy 80 on my notebook on top of my old desk for my girlfriends to nibble on while I was at Starbucks soupin' haha you know. The only drug I sell now adays is heroin and seeing as how I can only sell raw I have to charge 300 a gram. So noones buying broke losers. Instead they are giving the girls a hard time asking for molly and shrooms so I have to tell all those broke bastards to can it.
I started back up with coke again seeing as how I have access to pure but shits different I guess. Maybe I matured or maybe my connections are better because I feel much less scared and more in control of my habit than I did before,. I've been smoking a lot of yoda og kush lately and I have to say its the bomb. Anyone with access to the cali medical bud scene should try to get their hands on it although I think its more of a growers pass around type thing. Like pure kush or what have you.
Anyway still studying for my ccnp should pass the final test this month if I can get my schedule together.
Alright that is it in the land of Spooky and I hope everyone's doing well and not dead.
Peace.
Have i got a flippn story 2 tell u! OMFG . . kinda freakd/numb/an grateful to fuk i misd out on this bad turn of fate by a hair. .april 10 had had no Rx 2days an w/ds not feeln like a luxory cruise so until april 11, only had 1 option to kill or lessen w/ds. .enter black. 2 agents 2 hook me up door #1 Fullertons finest or door #2--Marcia Long-Distance. #1 was 1st choice coz w/ds left but serious tenacious pain took its place an 2 days jus wud not leav me the fuk alone! As dreaded,#1 had none but askd if id take him down to the hood of the Gray Bar--not a good place for me to be. I got a bad, uneasy feelin & got this feeln 2 ditch #1 an mov on to #2. The usual driver had no limo coz the owner took it an no one knew wen they return w limo--an besides usual driver NEEDED the tips as he had no $ anyway. I said "#1 tell u the truth,id really rather not. u do it please." "Cursed whispers heard b4 adding, "cant without a limo." how the fuck am i able to say no after i pleaded request for relief? driver 1 an even driver 2 or 3 drove it was all good. . but this command inside my head chanted get out of this fool's errand-do not drive go to plan B. i like this passenger who wud b mor than appreciative,but thnk fuk he takes freakn 4ever plus easter sunday to get gone plus repeat 4ever an easter sunday 1nce he in his private suite - 2 hrs in fact. Not seconds after he sed ready,the main limo shows up owner an all. Ten mor min go by then he says he ready. I sed his usual driver b gettn the pleasure of this ride an it sat very well w all in the castle. I was fukn relievd an thnkfully Marcia Long-Distance sed ok. Scenic route, time passer, but placid boring hood gladly n stead of undercover narcos an snakes, pigs, fuk no to that den. One of the FTT's courier sed the house of fiends got raided again &this time they took n 5. I lookd up on tablet, sur enuff ther wer ndeed names confirmd takn to the big house. I cald the house an was told the day i sought help same day it all went down. Undercovers followed the 2 half way to destination,puld over,impounded car the 2 taken--after that they sacked the place an took 6,not 5. Only 1 of which was still not released an cud expect 4yrs. This makes him a 3rd striker. And yes ther r rumors 1 of the 6 is a rat an no doubt who. No one gets out on bail with $0 posted to bail bond--that fukn litttle snake. . .not healthy to piss off the FTTs as a snitch ive nevr trustd as far as i cud spit an well known thief n e 1 is game unless steps takn to ensur no opprtnty which ive done. little scandalous operatr but nothn lasts 4ever. am stayn fuk away from that den. glad i misd that fate but makes me ill how close i came. .
it is a lot harder than one would think. aside from making sure each bag isn't over the weight limit, i need to make sure things fit into the space requirements.
That Foolish Boy
that foolish boy
he thinks he is smarter than everyone else
he’s got so many tricks up his sleeve
they can’t all help from falling out
he’s poured out so much smoke
and put up so many mirrors
he can’t even find himself
but of all the lies that he has built
at least a few still dwell
he keeps beating on broken doors
screaming out old lovers’ names
he’s fighting himself
somewhere deep, deep inside
you can tell from the blank look on his face
oh what should he do?
from your life you can’t hide
but late at night with a knife
he’s sure tried a few times
the rope’s twisting tight now
he won’t get away
his life had such prospect
but now he’s just prey
to a death sentence put simply…
“i’ll change,
but it won’t be today.”
Chapter Five is preceded by this poem and B&W illustration. “Deadly Arrogance” has brought many a soul to an early end… and many, many more to their knees. Confidence is crucial in life, but there is a fine line between confidence & cockiness/arrogance. It is a hard pill to swallow (and even harder to shoot); though sometimes humility is needed in life. How would you rate your level of confidence on a scale of 1-10? Your arrogance? Your humility? And yes, it’s possible to have 0 confidence, +10 arrogance, and -10 humility all at once. Humans are walking contradictions…
that foolish boy
he thinks he is smarter than everyone else
he’s got so many tricks up his sleeve
they can’t all help from falling out
he’s poured out so much smoke
and put up so many mirrors
he can’t even find himself
but of all the lies that he has built
at least a few still dwell
he keeps beating on broken doors
screaming out old lovers’ names
he’s fighting himself
somewhere deep, deep inside
you can tell from the blank look on his face
oh what should he do?
from your life you can’t hide
but late at night with a knife
he’s sure tried a few times
the rope’s twisting tight now
he won’t get away
his life had such prospect
but now he’s just prey
to a death sentence put simply…
“i’ll change,
but it won’t be today.”
Chapter Five is preceded by this poem and B&W illustration. “Deadly Arrogance” has brought many a soul to an early end… and many, many more to their knees. Confidence is crucial in life, but there is a fine line between confidence & cockiness/arrogance. It is a hard pill to swallow (and even harder to shoot); though sometimes humility is needed in life. How would you rate your level of confidence on a scale of 1-10? Your arrogance? Your humility? And yes, it’s possible to have 0 confidence, +10 arrogance, and -10 humility all at once. Humans are walking contradictions…
dear world, my friends, my family, everyone else i love,
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.... I realized this.Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself.I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail.(And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here.but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 25 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself.
I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably.On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on.all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next.t continued on that pattern for God knows how long. I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving...
Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch in Alabama, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish I was and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse. I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided.So I thought to myself... "What the hell does it matter if i did any good? It wouldn't make any difference.It will all be just the same I'll always be at the fuckign bottom of the system." So i decided (as the wretch that i am) to escape by all kinds of things,drugs, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there. I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for awhile... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now.Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost.But what could i fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where i never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off?
I have been fighting depression and been into heroin for quite a while now.After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you.I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as i could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred.But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go.That's when i realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever i thought with no hope in sight.
But i never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to.All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a pharmacist or culinary manager. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either.I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life.So I figured, what's the point to go on then.I have already messed everything up.... Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right.I was going to lose and now I have. I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than i could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover (than me), new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room...
I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case i get involved in and I NEVER WIN!
And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse then before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair... everything. And it will never end... all this will be my whole life with no end... nothing bright... no light at the end of the fucking tunnel... Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness... the upper class (such as her) fucking won.... big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while i and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose.... Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom...
And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, i envisioned and had is now gone... never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now i can never get back up and win ever.... I let them, the evil and the upper class people like her win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat. I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself i find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it!
You think this is suicide and just some goddamn whiney shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST! you think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so dont say i'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child or w/e for this, i dont want to hear it!!!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, and outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT I'M GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, I'M THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE! It's bad enough I have to go through with this...
I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while she'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate, If I hurt anyone with this... I'm sorry... I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now... I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what i'm going to do... thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault neither was dad's, you guys are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my bluelight friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc.... I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, HANDSOME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE.... :'( :depressed: I am unforgivable... WELL I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING... BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY... I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE... GOOD BYE AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART... INCLUDING YOU ERIN33 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER... I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE.... GOOD BYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.....
i love you all,this is the end for this lost soul,let this be the start of a new soul for someone else.
-Drew
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.... I realized this.Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself.I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail.(And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here.but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 25 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself.
I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably.On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on.all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next.t continued on that pattern for God knows how long. I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving...
Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch in Alabama, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish I was and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse. I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided.So I thought to myself... "What the hell does it matter if i did any good? It wouldn't make any difference.It will all be just the same I'll always be at the fuckign bottom of the system." So i decided (as the wretch that i am) to escape by all kinds of things,drugs, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there. I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for awhile... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now.Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost.But what could i fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where i never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off?
I have been fighting depression and been into heroin for quite a while now.After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you.I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as i could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred.But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go.That's when i realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever i thought with no hope in sight.
But i never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to.All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a pharmacist or culinary manager. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either.I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life.So I figured, what's the point to go on then.I have already messed everything up.... Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right.I was going to lose and now I have. I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than i could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover (than me), new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room...
I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case i get involved in and I NEVER WIN!
And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse then before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair... everything. And it will never end... all this will be my whole life with no end... nothing bright... no light at the end of the fucking tunnel... Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness... the upper class (such as her) fucking won.... big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while i and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose.... Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom...And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, i envisioned and had is now gone... never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now i can never get back up and win ever.... I let them, the evil and the upper class people like her win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat. I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself i find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it!
You think this is suicide and just some goddamn whiney shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST! you think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so dont say i'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child or w/e for this, i dont want to hear it!!!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, and outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT I'M GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, I'M THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE! It's bad enough I have to go through with this...
I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while she'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate, If I hurt anyone with this... I'm sorry... I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now... I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what i'm going to do... thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault neither was dad's, you guys are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my bluelight friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc.... I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, HANDSOME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE.... :'( :depressed: I am unforgivable... WELL I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING... BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY... I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE... GOOD BYE AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART... INCLUDING YOU ERIN
33 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER... I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE.... GOOD BYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.....i love you all,this is the end for this lost soul,let this be the start of a new soul for someone else.
-Drew
A continuation...
I was finally seen by my dentist on Friday and as predicted he pulled that disintegrating molar. Because it had already fractured he had to grind it into pieces and then yank with the pliers intermittingly. It is Monday now and my throat is stoll fucked up, actually the whole right side of my face is. My NY dentist doesn't do shit for pain, and true to form gave me a worthless script for 16 Tylenol 3s. This country is so ass backwards. Tylenol 3s, with 30mg of codeine should be OTC. Even Japan has dihydrocodeine OTC (in combo form) and they are super anal retentive. America is insane.
All weekend I was popping Ambien to knock myself out and sleep through it. I expected to go in and twist my dentist's arm for real pain relief but lo and behold, upon waking up today I had no pain. Yesssss...
So what is "Kumare"? An East Indian guy born and bred in New Jersey basically felt his parents' Hindu faith was a croc of shit and got peeved over the huge amount of ignorant Westerners that are fascinated with all things Eastern, especially Yoga. I can definitely relate with non-Jews believing that they are studying Kabbalah. Yoga is an interesting point because in CE and P Forum I basically was the only person maintaining that Yoga is a form of religious expression even if those teaching it are ignorant of that fact, to say nothing of the gullible Westerners studying it.
This guy got the idea to make a documentary along the lines of Sascha Baron Cohen's films. He began speaking with an "Apu" accent as he grew his hair and beard out. Assisted by 2 girls he sold himself as an Indian Guru named "Kumare." Starting with just a single guest teaching gig in Tuscon, Arizona he attracted a huge amount of disciples.
All these Westerners were obsessed with him. I don't laugh often but this film had me almost peeing on myself: "Kumare, I see a bright white aura surrounding your physical self and behind you there is a multitude of the Kumares who came before you. Clearly you are the authentic embodiment of Kumare for the here and now." Suuuuuuuure.
It fascinating to see just how vulnerable the average adult is to recruitment by a religious cult. Women were begging him to bed them. Even men were coming on to him. In the end he revealed himself to be an agnostic from New Jersey. The look on devotees' faces was priceless.
Speaking of cults, I am still dealing with Mariz and all that goes with her but I realised a while ago I can never even pretend to convert to her religion. I never discussed it here (at least I don't remember having done so) but I had agreed to convert to Catholicism to marry Lovely. I think I really would have, as deeply as I felt for that girl but in the end the relationship imploded, and for that I am grateful. Even an insincere conversion is a deep act of hypocrisy.
I don't think I should even get involved with non-Jewish women anymore. Whoring your values is foul. I always pat myself on the back for being as honest as anyone can be. For example, posting under my actual name on BL got me a demotion in the military but I felt it was a small price to pay for living one's values...yet there I was talking about becoming a Catholic- at least on paper- just to please a girl. Certainly I could never do so with Mariz. I reckon that will finish Mariz and my relationship but if she predicates her involvement with me on her religion she was definitely the wrong one. With Lovely it was to please her parents. Mariz is a true believer.
Sitting in the foyer of the methadone clinic I use, I am waiting for it to hit me since Sunday is 1 of the 2 days I deny myself my daily methadone dosage, in an exercise in willpower. I really shouldn't be doing that because opiate/opioid withdrawal aggravates HCV, causing faster virus replication. Hepatitis C sucks but that is life. At age 18, just after contracting the virus, I could never have imagined that I would be alive at age 46, much less worried about the consequences of the virus.
I was finally seen by my dentist on Friday and as predicted he pulled that disintegrating molar. Because it had already fractured he had to grind it into pieces and then yank with the pliers intermittingly. It is Monday now and my throat is stoll fucked up, actually the whole right side of my face is. My NY dentist doesn't do shit for pain, and true to form gave me a worthless script for 16 Tylenol 3s. This country is so ass backwards. Tylenol 3s, with 30mg of codeine should be OTC. Even Japan has dihydrocodeine OTC (in combo form) and they are super anal retentive. America is insane.
All weekend I was popping Ambien to knock myself out and sleep through it. I expected to go in and twist my dentist's arm for real pain relief but lo and behold, upon waking up today I had no pain. Yesssss...
So what is "Kumare"? An East Indian guy born and bred in New Jersey basically felt his parents' Hindu faith was a croc of shit and got peeved over the huge amount of ignorant Westerners that are fascinated with all things Eastern, especially Yoga. I can definitely relate with non-Jews believing that they are studying Kabbalah. Yoga is an interesting point because in CE and P Forum I basically was the only person maintaining that Yoga is a form of religious expression even if those teaching it are ignorant of that fact, to say nothing of the gullible Westerners studying it.
This guy got the idea to make a documentary along the lines of Sascha Baron Cohen's films. He began speaking with an "Apu" accent as he grew his hair and beard out. Assisted by 2 girls he sold himself as an Indian Guru named "Kumare." Starting with just a single guest teaching gig in Tuscon, Arizona he attracted a huge amount of disciples.
All these Westerners were obsessed with him. I don't laugh often but this film had me almost peeing on myself: "Kumare, I see a bright white aura surrounding your physical self and behind you there is a multitude of the Kumares who came before you. Clearly you are the authentic embodiment of Kumare for the here and now." Suuuuuuuure.
It fascinating to see just how vulnerable the average adult is to recruitment by a religious cult. Women were begging him to bed them. Even men were coming on to him. In the end he revealed himself to be an agnostic from New Jersey. The look on devotees' faces was priceless.
Speaking of cults, I am still dealing with Mariz and all that goes with her but I realised a while ago I can never even pretend to convert to her religion. I never discussed it here (at least I don't remember having done so) but I had agreed to convert to Catholicism to marry Lovely. I think I really would have, as deeply as I felt for that girl but in the end the relationship imploded, and for that I am grateful. Even an insincere conversion is a deep act of hypocrisy.
I don't think I should even get involved with non-Jewish women anymore. Whoring your values is foul. I always pat myself on the back for being as honest as anyone can be. For example, posting under my actual name on BL got me a demotion in the military but I felt it was a small price to pay for living one's values...yet there I was talking about becoming a Catholic- at least on paper- just to please a girl. Certainly I could never do so with Mariz. I reckon that will finish Mariz and my relationship but if she predicates her involvement with me on her religion she was definitely the wrong one. With Lovely it was to please her parents. Mariz is a true believer.
Sitting in the foyer of the methadone clinic I use, I am waiting for it to hit me since Sunday is 1 of the 2 days I deny myself my daily methadone dosage, in an exercise in willpower. I really shouldn't be doing that because opiate/opioid withdrawal aggravates HCV, causing faster virus replication. Hepatitis C sucks but that is life. At age 18, just after contracting the virus, I could never have imagined that I would be alive at age 46, much less worried about the consequences of the virus.
since i've been documenting this entire mess, i figure i will note here that i quit my job today. mostly due to silly HR policies. if i had been employed for a year, i could take a leave for several weeks like i was planning on. i had my boss and his boss down with that idea. and then HR got involved. the one year thing is apparently an unspoken rule only know to HR. at least that is how i figure it to be.
it is weird. talking things out with unglued and coming to the conclusion of splitting up was hard. but it has been even more difficult talking to my mom and figuring out stuff with my job. i figured that leaving work was going to be difficult but i didn't imagine it to be the clusterfuck of the last few days.
i really don't care about HR's suggestion to watch online meditation videos. i am not knocking meditation, just saying that is not the most logical solution. and i am not about to get all teary eyed in the HR office. it don't do that in general, let alone around people i don't know. the HR woman was annoying, going on and on about all the shit she had to deal with in life and how she made it thru things. i really don't give a shit about her or her life. i was only sitting in her office cause i had to.
it is weird. talking things out with unglued and coming to the conclusion of splitting up was hard. but it has been even more difficult talking to my mom and figuring out stuff with my job. i figured that leaving work was going to be difficult but i didn't imagine it to be the clusterfuck of the last few days.
i really don't care about HR's suggestion to watch online meditation videos. i am not knocking meditation, just saying that is not the most logical solution. and i am not about to get all teary eyed in the HR office. it don't do that in general, let alone around people i don't know. the HR woman was annoying, going on and on about all the shit she had to deal with in life and how she made it thru things. i really don't give a shit about her or her life. i was only sitting in her office cause i had to.
did 7.5mg of Roxy M. and 15mg of Ritty around 7:30AM this morning. then another few milligrams of each around 9:30AM? about to do my rinse... i have to bike down and catch a bus a mile from the house to go downtown and meet up with a guy from the needle exchange program in Nashville, StreetWorks, here in a few. they're only open on Fridays between 1PM-3PM. i wish i had a car. ate a protein bar and drank a Vitamin Water. i won't get off the bus a mile from my house until 4:23. my mother will be home by then, and my absence from the house will make her suspicious. i'll have to stash my rigs somewhere outside and get them later. i hate living at home, but i'm thankful for my parents at the same time. just got to get off probation so i can leave this damn state.
need to work on the book. found a girl i want to collaborate on a book with... just got to hope my friend who handles PR for me can talk her into it... (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/apr/11/cat-marnell-freak-show-staring-back)
ugh. i don't want to make this trip. i need rigs though. i wish i had friends with cars. lame.
fox is out for the day. peace.
need to work on the book. found a girl i want to collaborate on a book with... just got to hope my friend who handles PR for me can talk her into it... (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/apr/11/cat-marnell-freak-show-staring-back)
ugh. i don't want to make this trip. i need rigs though. i wish i had friends with cars. lame.
fox is out for the day. peace.
There is a bright flash and I am blind. Adrenaline laces my lungs, circling the length of my spine to numb my legs. If my hands weren't white-knuckled and tight, they would surely shake. My chest is quick and strong, sharp on the rise, heavy to the fall. My face warms, dancing red across skin like fire.
I am angry.
I imagine my fists morphing to something strong like automobiles, where a single swing would take out an entire block of the tallest skyscrapers. The pressure building in my pulse leaves me dizzy and I wish I could open my throat wide enough to let it escape. My thought process begins to dissolve and eventually the connection breaks.
I am angry but aware.
There is discomfort, but I am not anxious. I am not worried nor am I out of control. The walls remain in place, showing no signs of closing and I begin to breathe again. One by one, my organs and bones begin to cool and shift back to place. My shoulders sigh in relief as the tension settles, my heart finds its rhythm and my hands steady.
I remain angry but I have tolerated the worst part.
Typically this is the stage where my guilt would set it. An emotion exploded under my watch and I was unable to help myself. How I fear anger and avoid it all costs. Even the word edges me. ANGER. I have dressed it in the worst of insults, unable to accept the notion that I held the key. I hold the key. I have always held the key.
In this particular instance, I did not lash out underneath anger. I did not destroy any property beneath the spell nor have I ever. Instead, I turned on my computer and pushed myself to describe the physical reaction. In fact, I never left the space in which the emotion began. I remained calm, aware and somehow guilt-free.
One of the most valuable things I have learned as an adult is that anger does not have to be the demon it is made out to be. Anger can be an ally if treated correctly. People are going to get under your skin. Things are going to happen that are completely out of your control and they aren't always going to be great things. When I shoved my anger deep under my rib cage and away from my heart, the issues did not resolve. They concentrated until there was no more room for hiding. Often they would trickle out at the tiniest incident or when I wasn't able to suppress them. As I work on cleaning out this storage facility of life, I am aware that I have to face the emotion head on.
I have developed a handshake and respect for the emotion.
Anger: Grrr! Just kidding.
P: What's up, Anger? Why are people so afraid of you?
Anger: Not really sure. People should be afraid of what happens when they ignore me. Blood pressure and the like.
P: I was thinking of when I found myself really well, you know, really full of you that I could maybe journal.
Anger: Sounds super aggressive and ideal.
P: Are you being sarcastic?
Anger: I am sure writing emotions down in a journal is a swell idea, but when you are really hot, maybe you should consider some more creative releases? Try screaming the alphabet but slip in a couple curse words between letters. It is super fun. Here: A, B, C, D, mother-f --
P: Okay, okay, I guess that could work, too.
Anger: Or what about listening to some really loud music and shadow boxing. Just picture this - you are in a boxing ring, stage all lit up. You are wearing the gloves and the robe. Big lights, big crowd. Now enter Anne Hathaway --
P: You know, I tried with her! Then that Oscar speech...
Anger: You couldn't imagine all the work I get thanks to Hathaway.
P: Hey, Anger. You don't seem so bad.
Anger: I am here to help you. Don't abuse me, don't shove me in a closet and you will be a much happier girl. I'm not as scary as you were lead to believe.
I close my eyes and I allow the sharper parts to pass through me. Be it fear, anger or sorrow, my skeleton cringes and twitches with discomfort. I wince through the worse parts, refusing to reach for the panic button. I had a line of cheap adhesive strips that I used in times like this but the band-aids were quick little fixes that alleviated the symptoms only briefly. When they returned, they were louder, stronger and nearly impossible to dismiss. I am slowly developing a tolerance, a tiny army of resistance that aids in the war again the impulses that have landed me in mess after mess after mess. This behavior is not easy. It goes against everything I am used to. But the bigger picture is bright and I am eager. Even if I slip up and find myself buried under the dark, I know it is temporary. I stand, steady and carry on.
We are all on our way towards the better, one tiny crisis at a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
P-crest out!
I am angry.
I imagine my fists morphing to something strong like automobiles, where a single swing would take out an entire block of the tallest skyscrapers. The pressure building in my pulse leaves me dizzy and I wish I could open my throat wide enough to let it escape. My thought process begins to dissolve and eventually the connection breaks.
I am angry but aware.
There is discomfort, but I am not anxious. I am not worried nor am I out of control. The walls remain in place, showing no signs of closing and I begin to breathe again. One by one, my organs and bones begin to cool and shift back to place. My shoulders sigh in relief as the tension settles, my heart finds its rhythm and my hands steady.
I remain angry but I have tolerated the worst part.
Typically this is the stage where my guilt would set it. An emotion exploded under my watch and I was unable to help myself. How I fear anger and avoid it all costs. Even the word edges me. ANGER. I have dressed it in the worst of insults, unable to accept the notion that I held the key. I hold the key. I have always held the key.
In this particular instance, I did not lash out underneath anger. I did not destroy any property beneath the spell nor have I ever. Instead, I turned on my computer and pushed myself to describe the physical reaction. In fact, I never left the space in which the emotion began. I remained calm, aware and somehow guilt-free.
One of the most valuable things I have learned as an adult is that anger does not have to be the demon it is made out to be. Anger can be an ally if treated correctly. People are going to get under your skin. Things are going to happen that are completely out of your control and they aren't always going to be great things. When I shoved my anger deep under my rib cage and away from my heart, the issues did not resolve. They concentrated until there was no more room for hiding. Often they would trickle out at the tiniest incident or when I wasn't able to suppress them. As I work on cleaning out this storage facility of life, I am aware that I have to face the emotion head on.
I have developed a handshake and respect for the emotion.
Anger: Grrr! Just kidding.
P: What's up, Anger? Why are people so afraid of you?
Anger: Not really sure. People should be afraid of what happens when they ignore me. Blood pressure and the like.
P: I was thinking of when I found myself really well, you know, really full of you that I could maybe journal.
Anger: Sounds super aggressive and ideal.
P: Are you being sarcastic?
Anger: I am sure writing emotions down in a journal is a swell idea, but when you are really hot, maybe you should consider some more creative releases? Try screaming the alphabet but slip in a couple curse words between letters. It is super fun. Here: A, B, C, D, mother-f --
P: Okay, okay, I guess that could work, too.
Anger: Or what about listening to some really loud music and shadow boxing. Just picture this - you are in a boxing ring, stage all lit up. You are wearing the gloves and the robe. Big lights, big crowd. Now enter Anne Hathaway --
P: You know, I tried with her! Then that Oscar speech...
Anger: You couldn't imagine all the work I get thanks to Hathaway.
P: Hey, Anger. You don't seem so bad.
Anger: I am here to help you. Don't abuse me, don't shove me in a closet and you will be a much happier girl. I'm not as scary as you were lead to believe.
I close my eyes and I allow the sharper parts to pass through me. Be it fear, anger or sorrow, my skeleton cringes and twitches with discomfort. I wince through the worse parts, refusing to reach for the panic button. I had a line of cheap adhesive strips that I used in times like this but the band-aids were quick little fixes that alleviated the symptoms only briefly. When they returned, they were louder, stronger and nearly impossible to dismiss. I am slowly developing a tolerance, a tiny army of resistance that aids in the war again the impulses that have landed me in mess after mess after mess. This behavior is not easy. It goes against everything I am used to. But the bigger picture is bright and I am eager. Even if I slip up and find myself buried under the dark, I know it is temporary. I stand, steady and carry on.
We are all on our way towards the better, one tiny crisis at a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
P-crest out!
i will be blogging every day on here... some days just what i've eaten and what drugs i've done; some days more... but something every day. the food aspect is important as i'm a recovering purging anorexic. the drug aspect as i used to self-medicate with street drugs and illicitly obtained Rx drugs, and am currently trying to refrain from abusing my Rx medications... though not successfully. so, here we go:
today is an odd day. one month till release date of the book. one month until i turn 27. i have a TON of transcribing to do, a flurry of editing, a ton of sketches and then the process of having the book printed in that time. i work best under pressure... and it's the start of pressure time... luckily, i have abandoned the idea of joining the "Forever 27 Club" and so i don't have to worry about getting famous and then dying tragically in the next 13 months. i suppose that isn't up to me though.
i should be going back to work at the pizza place again soon. bleh. i need money though.
i ate a fruit-cup, then a jalapeno cheese stick wrapped in tofurkey peppered lunch-meat and microwaved, and a Clif Bar, as well as drinking a Vitamin Water so far today. i will eat dinner of some sort... and i will have a Klondike bar for dessert.
i shot 5mg of oxymorphone IR (i call her Roxy M, as the pill is made by Roxanne Pharma) and 20mg of methylphenidate (i call it Ritty) at 6:30 AM. i crushed up another 10mg of Roxy M. and 20mg of Ritty and added it to the Friday slot of a blue pill-minder i mix my pill shots in. the Friday slot contained the remains of the 6:30AM shot and mooch. i know it's Thursday... i don't bother about the correct date though. i added about 150 units of water to the mix. i drew out 1cc and shot it around 10AM. around 11:45AM i added another 50cc and shot this. i may have done another rinse at some point. i will likely do one after i finish this and smoke a cigarette (my last one, and only the second one of the day). i've been lucky to hit easily in my thigh today. i haven't taken any of my Klonopin 2mg pills (K-pins) or Soma 350mg pills (Soma... hey, it's short enough already)... i've needed to raise a little extra money lately. i don't think i'm physically addicted to the K-pin right now, or if i am, i am just barely. i tend to save it and the Soma up anyways. last Saturday i took about 14mg of K-pin and 8 Somas. that was a good day.
i need to leave my left hand alone... i have a potential infection looming in the webbing between my thumb and index finger. i'm currently on Bactrim orally as well as an ointment. i have an abscess to be lanced on my right arm. it's in the crook of my elbow, the size of a marble, and where my first Staph infection occurred... a frustrated nurse triple stuck me trying to draw blood while i was in the psych ward. they had to put me on IV anti-biotics while i was there, then i had to return to the hospital a few days after i got out of the psych ward as i had to have an abscess about this size sliced open. that was Spring of 2011. two years and 30 or so Staph infections later, i keep getting them. i need to stop shooting, i know it doesn't help. i just want to do one last "Fireball Shot" (5mg Roxy M., 40mg Ritty, a $20 of bell-ringer Coke, and a $20 of Tar Heroin all in one syringe)... then i'll stop shooting the Ritty immediately, and taper off shooting the Roxy M. and switch to plugging or snorting it. i plan to snort the remaining Ritty i have, then go back onto Dextroamphetamine. the only problem is... Cocaine is impossible to find in this town right now; much less good Coke.
i will post a picture of me lancing the abscess tomorrow and a link to a video of me milking it too.
this is all i have for today though, my last cigarette beckons me. buckle up if you plan on continuing to check in though... it'll be one hell of a ride.
today is an odd day. one month till release date of the book. one month until i turn 27. i have a TON of transcribing to do, a flurry of editing, a ton of sketches and then the process of having the book printed in that time. i work best under pressure... and it's the start of pressure time... luckily, i have abandoned the idea of joining the "Forever 27 Club" and so i don't have to worry about getting famous and then dying tragically in the next 13 months. i suppose that isn't up to me though.
i should be going back to work at the pizza place again soon. bleh. i need money though.
i ate a fruit-cup, then a jalapeno cheese stick wrapped in tofurkey peppered lunch-meat and microwaved, and a Clif Bar, as well as drinking a Vitamin Water so far today. i will eat dinner of some sort... and i will have a Klondike bar for dessert.
i shot 5mg of oxymorphone IR (i call her Roxy M, as the pill is made by Roxanne Pharma) and 20mg of methylphenidate (i call it Ritty) at 6:30 AM. i crushed up another 10mg of Roxy M. and 20mg of Ritty and added it to the Friday slot of a blue pill-minder i mix my pill shots in. the Friday slot contained the remains of the 6:30AM shot and mooch. i know it's Thursday... i don't bother about the correct date though. i added about 150 units of water to the mix. i drew out 1cc and shot it around 10AM. around 11:45AM i added another 50cc and shot this. i may have done another rinse at some point. i will likely do one after i finish this and smoke a cigarette (my last one, and only the second one of the day). i've been lucky to hit easily in my thigh today. i haven't taken any of my Klonopin 2mg pills (K-pins) or Soma 350mg pills (Soma... hey, it's short enough already)... i've needed to raise a little extra money lately. i don't think i'm physically addicted to the K-pin right now, or if i am, i am just barely. i tend to save it and the Soma up anyways. last Saturday i took about 14mg of K-pin and 8 Somas. that was a good day.
i need to leave my left hand alone... i have a potential infection looming in the webbing between my thumb and index finger. i'm currently on Bactrim orally as well as an ointment. i have an abscess to be lanced on my right arm. it's in the crook of my elbow, the size of a marble, and where my first Staph infection occurred... a frustrated nurse triple stuck me trying to draw blood while i was in the psych ward. they had to put me on IV anti-biotics while i was there, then i had to return to the hospital a few days after i got out of the psych ward as i had to have an abscess about this size sliced open. that was Spring of 2011. two years and 30 or so Staph infections later, i keep getting them. i need to stop shooting, i know it doesn't help. i just want to do one last "Fireball Shot" (5mg Roxy M., 40mg Ritty, a $20 of bell-ringer Coke, and a $20 of Tar Heroin all in one syringe)... then i'll stop shooting the Ritty immediately, and taper off shooting the Roxy M. and switch to plugging or snorting it. i plan to snort the remaining Ritty i have, then go back onto Dextroamphetamine. the only problem is... Cocaine is impossible to find in this town right now; much less good Coke.
i will post a picture of me lancing the abscess tomorrow and a link to a video of me milking it too.
this is all i have for today though, my last cigarette beckons me. buckle up if you plan on continuing to check in though... it'll be one hell of a ride.
I just realized i'd basically logged-out w/o intending to come back for a while, but didn't say anything.. sooo, lest my absence be misconstrued as something bad or not my choice, i wanted to put a formal goodbye up!!
These boards are plenty of fun, and i've been a bl'er on/off for about a decade (wow..!) Right now, a lot of things are happening in my life, and they're starting to go a bit faster than i'd have anticipated.. this is a good(GREAT!) thing, but it really means that i need to make a lot of choices.
I've known this (that i'd have to cut out some things from life to make room), but have just put it off and tried to half-ass keep up, and it just wasn't vibing w/ how i want things right now. i'd known this, but really opened my eyes earlier this week and see how i need to proceed (yes, i'm referring to my incredible found-ecstasy adventures!!)
soooo, w/o further ado, it's been great and i'll miss the social banter, but it's high-time for bmxxx to give message boards a break for a bit and focus on life!
happy/healthy '13 to all of you!
These boards are plenty of fun, and i've been a bl'er on/off for about a decade (wow..!) Right now, a lot of things are happening in my life, and they're starting to go a bit faster than i'd have anticipated.. this is a good(GREAT!) thing, but it really means that i need to make a lot of choices.
I've known this (that i'd have to cut out some things from life to make room), but have just put it off and tried to half-ass keep up, and it just wasn't vibing w/ how i want things right now. i'd known this, but really opened my eyes earlier this week and see how i need to proceed (yes, i'm referring to my incredible found-ecstasy adventures!!)
soooo, w/o further ado, it's been great and i'll miss the social banter, but it's high-time for bmxxx to give message boards a break for a bit and focus on life!
happy/healthy '13 to all of you!
