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Have i got a flippn story 2 tell u! OMFG . . kinda freakd/numb/an grateful to fuk i misd out on this bad turn of fate by a hair. .april 10 had had no Rx 2days an w/ds not feeln like a luxory cruise so until april 11, only had 1 option to kill or lessen w/ds. .enter black. 2 agents 2 hook me up door #1 Fullertons finest or door #2--Marcia Long-Distance. #1 was 1st choice coz w/ds left but serious tenacious pain took its place an 2 days jus wud not leav me the fuk alone! As dreaded,#1 had none but askd if id take him down to the hood of the Gray Bar--not a good place for me to be. I got a bad, uneasy feelin & got this feeln 2 ditch #1 an mov on to #2. The usual driver had no limo coz the owner took it an no one knew wen they return w limo--an besides usual driver NEEDED the tips as he had no $ anyway. I said "#1 tell u the truth,id really rather not. u do it please." "Cursed whispers heard b4 adding, "cant without a limo." how the fuck am i able to say no after i pleaded request for relief? driver 1 an even driver 2 or 3 drove it was all good. . but this command inside my head chanted get out of this fool's errand-do not drive go to plan B. i like this passenger who wud b mor than appreciative,but thnk fuk he takes freakn 4ever plus easter sunday to get gone plus repeat 4ever an easter sunday 1nce he in his private suite - 2 hrs in fact. Not seconds after he sed ready,the main limo shows up owner an all. Ten mor min go by then he says he ready. I sed his usual driver b gettn the pleasure of this ride an it sat very well w all in the castle. I was fukn relievd an thnkfully Marcia Long-Distance sed ok. Scenic route, time passer, but placid boring hood gladly n stead of undercover narcos an snakes, pigs, fuk no to that den. One of the FTT's courier sed the house of fiends got raided again &this time they took n 5. I lookd up on tablet, sur enuff ther wer ndeed names confirmd takn to the big house. I cald the house an was told the day i sought help same day it all went down. Undercovers followed the 2 half way to destination,puld over,impounded car the 2 taken--after that they sacked the place an took 6,not 5. Only 1 of which was still not released an cud expect 4yrs. This makes him a 3rd striker. And yes ther r rumors 1 of the 6 is a rat an no doubt who. No one gets out on bail with $0 posted to bail bond--that fukn litttle snake. . .not healthy to piss off the FTTs as a snitch ive nevr trustd as far as i cud spit an well known thief n e 1 is game unless steps takn to ensur no opprtnty which ive done. little scandalous operatr but nothn lasts 4ever. am stayn fuk away from that den. glad i misd that fate but makes me ill how close i came. .
it is a lot harder than one would think. aside from making sure each bag isn't over the weight limit, i need to make sure things fit into the space requirements.
That Foolish Boy
that foolish boy
he thinks he is smarter than everyone else
he’s got so many tricks up his sleeve
they can’t all help from falling out
he’s poured out so much smoke
and put up so many mirrors
he can’t even find himself
but of all the lies that he has built
at least a few still dwell
he keeps beating on broken doors
screaming out old lovers’ names
he’s fighting himself
somewhere deep, deep inside
you can tell from the blank look on his face
oh what should he do?
from your life you can’t hide
but late at night with a knife
he’s sure tried a few times
the rope’s twisting tight now
he won’t get away
his life had such prospect
but now he’s just prey
to a death sentence put simply…
“i’ll change,
but it won’t be today.”
Chapter Five is preceded by this poem and B&W illustration. “Deadly Arrogance” has brought many a soul to an early end… and many, many more to their knees. Confidence is crucial in life, but there is a fine line between confidence & cockiness/arrogance. It is a hard pill to swallow (and even harder to shoot); though sometimes humility is needed in life. How would you rate your level of confidence on a scale of 1-10? Your arrogance? Your humility? And yes, it’s possible to have 0 confidence, +10 arrogance, and -10 humility all at once. Humans are walking contradictions…
that foolish boy
he thinks he is smarter than everyone else
he’s got so many tricks up his sleeve
they can’t all help from falling out
he’s poured out so much smoke
and put up so many mirrors
he can’t even find himself
but of all the lies that he has built
at least a few still dwell
he keeps beating on broken doors
screaming out old lovers’ names
he’s fighting himself
somewhere deep, deep inside
you can tell from the blank look on his face
oh what should he do?
from your life you can’t hide
but late at night with a knife
he’s sure tried a few times
the rope’s twisting tight now
he won’t get away
his life had such prospect
but now he’s just prey
to a death sentence put simply…
“i’ll change,
but it won’t be today.”
Chapter Five is preceded by this poem and B&W illustration. “Deadly Arrogance” has brought many a soul to an early end… and many, many more to their knees. Confidence is crucial in life, but there is a fine line between confidence & cockiness/arrogance. It is a hard pill to swallow (and even harder to shoot); though sometimes humility is needed in life. How would you rate your level of confidence on a scale of 1-10? Your arrogance? Your humility? And yes, it’s possible to have 0 confidence, +10 arrogance, and -10 humility all at once. Humans are walking contradictions…
dear world, my friends, my family, everyone else i love,
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.... I realized this.Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself.I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail.(And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here.but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 25 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself.
I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably.On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on.all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next.t continued on that pattern for God knows how long. I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving...
Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch in Alabama, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish I was and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse. I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided.So I thought to myself... "What the hell does it matter if i did any good? It wouldn't make any difference.It will all be just the same I'll always be at the fuckign bottom of the system." So i decided (as the wretch that i am) to escape by all kinds of things,drugs, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there. I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for awhile... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now.Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost.But what could i fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where i never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off?
I have been fighting depression and been into heroin for quite a while now.After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you.I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as i could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred.But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go.That's when i realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever i thought with no hope in sight.
But i never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to.All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a pharmacist or culinary manager. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either.I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life.So I figured, what's the point to go on then.I have already messed everything up.... Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right.I was going to lose and now I have. I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than i could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover (than me), new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room...
I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case i get involved in and I NEVER WIN!
And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse then before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair... everything. And it will never end... all this will be my whole life with no end... nothing bright... no light at the end of the fucking tunnel... Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness... the upper class (such as her) fucking won.... big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while i and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose.... Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom...
And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, i envisioned and had is now gone... never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now i can never get back up and win ever.... I let them, the evil and the upper class people like her win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat. I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself i find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it!
You think this is suicide and just some goddamn whiney shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST! you think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so dont say i'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child or w/e for this, i dont want to hear it!!!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, and outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT I'M GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, I'M THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE! It's bad enough I have to go through with this...
I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while she'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate, If I hurt anyone with this... I'm sorry... I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now... I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what i'm going to do... thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault neither was dad's, you guys are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my bluelight friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc.... I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, HANDSOME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE.... :'( :depressed: I am unforgivable... WELL I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING... BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY... I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE... GOOD BYE AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART... INCLUDING YOU ERIN
33 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER... I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE.... GOOD BYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.....
i love you all,this is the end for this lost soul,let this be the start of a new soul for someone else.
-Drew
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.... I realized this.Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself.I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail.(And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here.but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 25 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself.
I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably.On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on.all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next.t continued on that pattern for God knows how long. I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving...
Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch in Alabama, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish I was and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse. I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided.So I thought to myself... "What the hell does it matter if i did any good? It wouldn't make any difference.It will all be just the same I'll always be at the fuckign bottom of the system." So i decided (as the wretch that i am) to escape by all kinds of things,drugs, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there. I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for awhile... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now.Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost.But what could i fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where i never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off?
I have been fighting depression and been into heroin for quite a while now.After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you.I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as i could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred.But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go.That's when i realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever i thought with no hope in sight.
But i never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to.All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a pharmacist or culinary manager. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either.I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life.So I figured, what's the point to go on then.I have already messed everything up.... Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right.I was going to lose and now I have. I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than i could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover (than me), new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room...
I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case i get involved in and I NEVER WIN!
And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse then before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair... everything. And it will never end... all this will be my whole life with no end... nothing bright... no light at the end of the fucking tunnel... Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness... the upper class (such as her) fucking won.... big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while i and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose.... Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom...And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, i envisioned and had is now gone... never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now i can never get back up and win ever.... I let them, the evil and the upper class people like her win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat. I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself i find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it!
You think this is suicide and just some goddamn whiney shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST! you think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so dont say i'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child or w/e for this, i dont want to hear it!!!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, and outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT I'M GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, I'M THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE! It's bad enough I have to go through with this...
I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while she'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate, If I hurt anyone with this... I'm sorry... I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now... I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what i'm going to do... thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault neither was dad's, you guys are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my bluelight friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc.... I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, HANDSOME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE.... :'( :depressed: I am unforgivable... WELL I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING... BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY... I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE... GOOD BYE AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART... INCLUDING YOU ERIN
33 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER... I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE.... GOOD BYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.....i love you all,this is the end for this lost soul,let this be the start of a new soul for someone else.
-Drew
A continuation...
I was finally seen by my dentist on Friday and as predicted he pulled that disintegrating molar. Because it had already fractured he had to grind it into pieces and then yank with the pliers intermittingly. It is Monday now and my throat is stoll fucked up, actually the whole right side of my face is. My NY dentist doesn't do shit for pain, and true to form gave me a worthless script for 16 Tylenol 3s. This country is so ass backwards. Tylenol 3s, with 30mg of codeine should be OTC. Even Japan has dihydrocodeine OTC (in combo form) and they are super anal retentive. America is insane.
All weekend I was popping Ambien to knock myself out and sleep through it. I expected to go in and twist my dentist's arm for real pain relief but lo and behold, upon waking up today I had no pain. Yesssss...
So what is "Kumare"? An East Indian guy born and bred in New Jersey basically felt his parents' Hindu faith was a croc of shit and got peeved over the huge amount of ignorant Westerners that are fascinated with all things Eastern, especially Yoga. I can definitely relate with non-Jews believing that they are studying Kabbalah. Yoga is an interesting point because in CE and P Forum I basically was the only person maintaining that Yoga is a form of religious expression even if those teaching it are ignorant of that fact, to say nothing of the gullible Westerners studying it.
This guy got the idea to make a documentary along the lines of Sascha Baron Cohen's films. He began speaking with an "Apu" accent as he grew his hair and beard out. Assisted by 2 girls he sold himself as an Indian Guru named "Kumare." Starting with just a single guest teaching gig in Tuscon, Arizona he attracted a huge amount of disciples.
All these Westerners were obsessed with him. I don't laugh often but this film had me almost peeing on myself: "Kumare, I see a bright white aura surrounding your physical self and behind you there is a multitude of the Kumares who came before you. Clearly you are the authentic embodiment of Kumare for the here and now." Suuuuuuuure.
It fascinating to see just how vulnerable the average adult is to recruitment by a religious cult. Women were begging him to bed them. Even men were coming on to him. In the end he revealed himself to be an agnostic from New Jersey. The look on devotees' faces was priceless.
Speaking of cults, I am still dealing with Mariz and all that goes with her but I realised a while ago I can never even pretend to convert to her religion. I never discussed it here (at least I don't remember having done so) but I had agreed to convert to Catholicism to marry Lovely. I think I really would have, as deeply as I felt for that girl but in the end the relationship imploded, and for that I am grateful. Even an insincere conversion is a deep act of hypocrisy.
I don't think I should even get involved with non-Jewish women anymore. Whoring your values is foul. I always pat myself on the back for being as honest as anyone can be. For example, posting under my actual name on BL got me a demotion in the military but I felt it was a small price to pay for living one's values...yet there I was talking about becoming a Catholic- at least on paper- just to please a girl. Certainly I could never do so with Mariz. I reckon that will finish Mariz and my relationship but if she predicates her involvement with me on her religion she was definitely the wrong one. With Lovely it was to please her parents. Mariz is a true believer.
Sitting in the foyer of the methadone clinic I use, I am waiting for it to hit me since Sunday is 1 of the 2 days I deny myself my daily methadone dosage, in an exercise in willpower. I really shouldn't be doing that because opiate/opioid withdrawal aggravates HCV, causing faster virus replication. Hepatitis C sucks but that is life. At age 18, just after contracting the virus, I could never have imagined that I would be alive at age 46, much less worried about the consequences of the virus.
I was finally seen by my dentist on Friday and as predicted he pulled that disintegrating molar. Because it had already fractured he had to grind it into pieces and then yank with the pliers intermittingly. It is Monday now and my throat is stoll fucked up, actually the whole right side of my face is. My NY dentist doesn't do shit for pain, and true to form gave me a worthless script for 16 Tylenol 3s. This country is so ass backwards. Tylenol 3s, with 30mg of codeine should be OTC. Even Japan has dihydrocodeine OTC (in combo form) and they are super anal retentive. America is insane.
All weekend I was popping Ambien to knock myself out and sleep through it. I expected to go in and twist my dentist's arm for real pain relief but lo and behold, upon waking up today I had no pain. Yesssss...
So what is "Kumare"? An East Indian guy born and bred in New Jersey basically felt his parents' Hindu faith was a croc of shit and got peeved over the huge amount of ignorant Westerners that are fascinated with all things Eastern, especially Yoga. I can definitely relate with non-Jews believing that they are studying Kabbalah. Yoga is an interesting point because in CE and P Forum I basically was the only person maintaining that Yoga is a form of religious expression even if those teaching it are ignorant of that fact, to say nothing of the gullible Westerners studying it.
This guy got the idea to make a documentary along the lines of Sascha Baron Cohen's films. He began speaking with an "Apu" accent as he grew his hair and beard out. Assisted by 2 girls he sold himself as an Indian Guru named "Kumare." Starting with just a single guest teaching gig in Tuscon, Arizona he attracted a huge amount of disciples.
All these Westerners were obsessed with him. I don't laugh often but this film had me almost peeing on myself: "Kumare, I see a bright white aura surrounding your physical self and behind you there is a multitude of the Kumares who came before you. Clearly you are the authentic embodiment of Kumare for the here and now." Suuuuuuuure.
It fascinating to see just how vulnerable the average adult is to recruitment by a religious cult. Women were begging him to bed them. Even men were coming on to him. In the end he revealed himself to be an agnostic from New Jersey. The look on devotees' faces was priceless.
Speaking of cults, I am still dealing with Mariz and all that goes with her but I realised a while ago I can never even pretend to convert to her religion. I never discussed it here (at least I don't remember having done so) but I had agreed to convert to Catholicism to marry Lovely. I think I really would have, as deeply as I felt for that girl but in the end the relationship imploded, and for that I am grateful. Even an insincere conversion is a deep act of hypocrisy.
I don't think I should even get involved with non-Jewish women anymore. Whoring your values is foul. I always pat myself on the back for being as honest as anyone can be. For example, posting under my actual name on BL got me a demotion in the military but I felt it was a small price to pay for living one's values...yet there I was talking about becoming a Catholic- at least on paper- just to please a girl. Certainly I could never do so with Mariz. I reckon that will finish Mariz and my relationship but if she predicates her involvement with me on her religion she was definitely the wrong one. With Lovely it was to please her parents. Mariz is a true believer.
Sitting in the foyer of the methadone clinic I use, I am waiting for it to hit me since Sunday is 1 of the 2 days I deny myself my daily methadone dosage, in an exercise in willpower. I really shouldn't be doing that because opiate/opioid withdrawal aggravates HCV, causing faster virus replication. Hepatitis C sucks but that is life. At age 18, just after contracting the virus, I could never have imagined that I would be alive at age 46, much less worried about the consequences of the virus.
since i've been documenting this entire mess, i figure i will note here that i quit my job today. mostly due to silly HR policies. if i had been employed for a year, i could take a leave for several weeks like i was planning on. i had my boss and his boss down with that idea. and then HR got involved. the one year thing is apparently an unspoken rule only know to HR. at least that is how i figure it to be.
it is weird. talking things out with unglued and coming to the conclusion of splitting up was hard. but it has been even more difficult talking to my mom and figuring out stuff with my job. i figured that leaving work was going to be difficult but i didn't imagine it to be the clusterfuck of the last few days.
i really don't care about HR's suggestion to watch online meditation videos. i am not knocking meditation, just saying that is not the most logical solution. and i am not about to get all teary eyed in the HR office. it don't do that in general, let alone around people i don't know. the HR woman was annoying, going on and on about all the shit she had to deal with in life and how she made it thru things. i really don't give a shit about her or her life. i was only sitting in her office cause i had to.
it is weird. talking things out with unglued and coming to the conclusion of splitting up was hard. but it has been even more difficult talking to my mom and figuring out stuff with my job. i figured that leaving work was going to be difficult but i didn't imagine it to be the clusterfuck of the last few days.
i really don't care about HR's suggestion to watch online meditation videos. i am not knocking meditation, just saying that is not the most logical solution. and i am not about to get all teary eyed in the HR office. it don't do that in general, let alone around people i don't know. the HR woman was annoying, going on and on about all the shit she had to deal with in life and how she made it thru things. i really don't give a shit about her or her life. i was only sitting in her office cause i had to.
did 7.5mg of Roxy M. and 15mg of Ritty around 7:30AM this morning. then another few milligrams of each around 9:30AM? about to do my rinse... i have to bike down and catch a bus a mile from the house to go downtown and meet up with a guy from the needle exchange program in Nashville, StreetWorks, here in a few. they're only open on Fridays between 1PM-3PM. i wish i had a car. ate a protein bar and drank a Vitamin Water. i won't get off the bus a mile from my house until 4:23. my mother will be home by then, and my absence from the house will make her suspicious. i'll have to stash my rigs somewhere outside and get them later. i hate living at home, but i'm thankful for my parents at the same time. just got to get off probation so i can leave this damn state.
need to work on the book. found a girl i want to collaborate on a book with... just got to hope my friend who handles PR for me can talk her into it... (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/apr/11/cat-marnell-freak-show-staring-back)
ugh. i don't want to make this trip. i need rigs though. i wish i had friends with cars. lame.
fox is out for the day. peace.
need to work on the book. found a girl i want to collaborate on a book with... just got to hope my friend who handles PR for me can talk her into it... (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/apr/11/cat-marnell-freak-show-staring-back)
ugh. i don't want to make this trip. i need rigs though. i wish i had friends with cars. lame.
fox is out for the day. peace.
There is a bright flash and I am blind. Adrenaline laces my lungs, circling the length of my spine to numb my legs. If my hands weren't white-knuckled and tight, they would surely shake. My chest is quick and strong, sharp on the rise, heavy to the fall. My face warms, dancing red across skin like fire.
I am angry.
I imagine my fists morphing to something strong like automobiles, where a single swing would take out an entire block of the tallest skyscrapers. The pressure building in my pulse leaves me dizzy and I wish I could open my throat wide enough to let it escape. My thought process begins to dissolve and eventually the connection breaks.
I am angry but aware.
There is discomfort, but I am not anxious. I am not worried nor am I out of control. The walls remain in place, showing no signs of closing and I begin to breathe again. One by one, my organs and bones begin to cool and shift back to place. My shoulders sigh in relief as the tension settles, my heart finds its rhythm and my hands steady.
I remain angry but I have tolerated the worst part.
Typically this is the stage where my guilt would set it. An emotion exploded under my watch and I was unable to help myself. How I fear anger and avoid it all costs. Even the word edges me. ANGER. I have dressed it in the worst of insults, unable to accept the notion that I held the key. I hold the key. I have always held the key.
In this particular instance, I did not lash out underneath anger. I did not destroy any property beneath the spell nor have I ever. Instead, I turned on my computer and pushed myself to describe the physical reaction. In fact, I never left the space in which the emotion began. I remained calm, aware and somehow guilt-free.
One of the most valuable things I have learned as an adult is that anger does not have to be the demon it is made out to be. Anger can be an ally if treated correctly. People are going to get under your skin. Things are going to happen that are completely out of your control and they aren't always going to be great things. When I shoved my anger deep under my rib cage and away from my heart, the issues did not resolve. They concentrated until there was no more room for hiding. Often they would trickle out at the tiniest incident or when I wasn't able to suppress them. As I work on cleaning out this storage facility of life, I am aware that I have to face the emotion head on.
I have developed a handshake and respect for the emotion.
Anger: Grrr! Just kidding.
P: What's up, Anger? Why are people so afraid of you?
Anger: Not really sure. People should be afraid of what happens when they ignore me. Blood pressure and the like.
P: I was thinking of when I found myself really well, you know, really full of you that I could maybe journal.
Anger: Sounds super aggressive and ideal.
P: Are you being sarcastic?
Anger: I am sure writing emotions down in a journal is a swell idea, but when you are really hot, maybe you should consider some more creative releases? Try screaming the alphabet but slip in a couple curse words between letters. It is super fun. Here: A, B, C, D, mother-f --
P: Okay, okay, I guess that could work, too.
Anger: Or what about listening to some really loud music and shadow boxing. Just picture this - you are in a boxing ring, stage all lit up. You are wearing the gloves and the robe. Big lights, big crowd. Now enter Anne Hathaway --
P: You know, I tried with her! Then that Oscar speech...
Anger: You couldn't imagine all the work I get thanks to Hathaway.
P: Hey, Anger. You don't seem so bad.
Anger: I am here to help you. Don't abuse me, don't shove me in a closet and you will be a much happier girl. I'm not as scary as you were lead to believe.
I close my eyes and I allow the sharper parts to pass through me. Be it fear, anger or sorrow, my skeleton cringes and twitches with discomfort. I wince through the worse parts, refusing to reach for the panic button. I had a line of cheap adhesive strips that I used in times like this but the band-aids were quick little fixes that alleviated the symptoms only briefly. When they returned, they were louder, stronger and nearly impossible to dismiss. I am slowly developing a tolerance, a tiny army of resistance that aids in the war again the impulses that have landed me in mess after mess after mess. This behavior is not easy. It goes against everything I am used to. But the bigger picture is bright and I am eager. Even if I slip up and find myself buried under the dark, I know it is temporary. I stand, steady and carry on.
We are all on our way towards the better, one tiny crisis at a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
P-crest out!
I am angry.
I imagine my fists morphing to something strong like automobiles, where a single swing would take out an entire block of the tallest skyscrapers. The pressure building in my pulse leaves me dizzy and I wish I could open my throat wide enough to let it escape. My thought process begins to dissolve and eventually the connection breaks.
I am angry but aware.
There is discomfort, but I am not anxious. I am not worried nor am I out of control. The walls remain in place, showing no signs of closing and I begin to breathe again. One by one, my organs and bones begin to cool and shift back to place. My shoulders sigh in relief as the tension settles, my heart finds its rhythm and my hands steady.
I remain angry but I have tolerated the worst part.
Typically this is the stage where my guilt would set it. An emotion exploded under my watch and I was unable to help myself. How I fear anger and avoid it all costs. Even the word edges me. ANGER. I have dressed it in the worst of insults, unable to accept the notion that I held the key. I hold the key. I have always held the key.
In this particular instance, I did not lash out underneath anger. I did not destroy any property beneath the spell nor have I ever. Instead, I turned on my computer and pushed myself to describe the physical reaction. In fact, I never left the space in which the emotion began. I remained calm, aware and somehow guilt-free.
One of the most valuable things I have learned as an adult is that anger does not have to be the demon it is made out to be. Anger can be an ally if treated correctly. People are going to get under your skin. Things are going to happen that are completely out of your control and they aren't always going to be great things. When I shoved my anger deep under my rib cage and away from my heart, the issues did not resolve. They concentrated until there was no more room for hiding. Often they would trickle out at the tiniest incident or when I wasn't able to suppress them. As I work on cleaning out this storage facility of life, I am aware that I have to face the emotion head on.
I have developed a handshake and respect for the emotion.
Anger: Grrr! Just kidding.
P: What's up, Anger? Why are people so afraid of you?
Anger: Not really sure. People should be afraid of what happens when they ignore me. Blood pressure and the like.
P: I was thinking of when I found myself really well, you know, really full of you that I could maybe journal.
Anger: Sounds super aggressive and ideal.
P: Are you being sarcastic?
Anger: I am sure writing emotions down in a journal is a swell idea, but when you are really hot, maybe you should consider some more creative releases? Try screaming the alphabet but slip in a couple curse words between letters. It is super fun. Here: A, B, C, D, mother-f --
P: Okay, okay, I guess that could work, too.
Anger: Or what about listening to some really loud music and shadow boxing. Just picture this - you are in a boxing ring, stage all lit up. You are wearing the gloves and the robe. Big lights, big crowd. Now enter Anne Hathaway --
P: You know, I tried with her! Then that Oscar speech...
Anger: You couldn't imagine all the work I get thanks to Hathaway.
P: Hey, Anger. You don't seem so bad.
Anger: I am here to help you. Don't abuse me, don't shove me in a closet and you will be a much happier girl. I'm not as scary as you were lead to believe.
I close my eyes and I allow the sharper parts to pass through me. Be it fear, anger or sorrow, my skeleton cringes and twitches with discomfort. I wince through the worse parts, refusing to reach for the panic button. I had a line of cheap adhesive strips that I used in times like this but the band-aids were quick little fixes that alleviated the symptoms only briefly. When they returned, they were louder, stronger and nearly impossible to dismiss. I am slowly developing a tolerance, a tiny army of resistance that aids in the war again the impulses that have landed me in mess after mess after mess. This behavior is not easy. It goes against everything I am used to. But the bigger picture is bright and I am eager. Even if I slip up and find myself buried under the dark, I know it is temporary. I stand, steady and carry on.
We are all on our way towards the better, one tiny crisis at a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
P-crest out!
i will be blogging every day on here... some days just what i've eaten and what drugs i've done; some days more... but something every day. the food aspect is important as i'm a recovering purging anorexic. the drug aspect as i used to self-medicate with street drugs and illicitly obtained Rx drugs, and am currently trying to refrain from abusing my Rx medications... though not successfully. so, here we go:
today is an odd day. one month till release date of the book. one month until i turn 27. i have a TON of transcribing to do, a flurry of editing, a ton of sketches and then the process of having the book printed in that time. i work best under pressure... and it's the start of pressure time... luckily, i have abandoned the idea of joining the "Forever 27 Club" and so i don't have to worry about getting famous and then dying tragically in the next 13 months. i suppose that isn't up to me though.
i should be going back to work at the pizza place again soon. bleh. i need money though.
i ate a fruit-cup, then a jalapeno cheese stick wrapped in tofurkey peppered lunch-meat and microwaved, and a Clif Bar, as well as drinking a Vitamin Water so far today. i will eat dinner of some sort... and i will have a Klondike bar for dessert.
i shot 5mg of oxymorphone IR (i call her Roxy M, as the pill is made by Roxanne Pharma) and 20mg of methylphenidate (i call it Ritty) at 6:30 AM. i crushed up another 10mg of Roxy M. and 20mg of Ritty and added it to the Friday slot of a blue pill-minder i mix my pill shots in. the Friday slot contained the remains of the 6:30AM shot and mooch. i know it's Thursday... i don't bother about the correct date though. i added about 150 units of water to the mix. i drew out 1cc and shot it around 10AM. around 11:45AM i added another 50cc and shot this. i may have done another rinse at some point. i will likely do one after i finish this and smoke a cigarette (my last one, and only the second one of the day). i've been lucky to hit easily in my thigh today. i haven't taken any of my Klonopin 2mg pills (K-pins) or Soma 350mg pills (Soma... hey, it's short enough already)... i've needed to raise a little extra money lately. i don't think i'm physically addicted to the K-pin right now, or if i am, i am just barely. i tend to save it and the Soma up anyways. last Saturday i took about 14mg of K-pin and 8 Somas. that was a good day.
i need to leave my left hand alone... i have a potential infection looming in the webbing between my thumb and index finger. i'm currently on Bactrim orally as well as an ointment. i have an abscess to be lanced on my right arm. it's in the crook of my elbow, the size of a marble, and where my first Staph infection occurred... a frustrated nurse triple stuck me trying to draw blood while i was in the psych ward. they had to put me on IV anti-biotics while i was there, then i had to return to the hospital a few days after i got out of the psych ward as i had to have an abscess about this size sliced open. that was Spring of 2011. two years and 30 or so Staph infections later, i keep getting them. i need to stop shooting, i know it doesn't help. i just want to do one last "Fireball Shot" (5mg Roxy M., 40mg Ritty, a $20 of bell-ringer Coke, and a $20 of Tar Heroin all in one syringe)... then i'll stop shooting the Ritty immediately, and taper off shooting the Roxy M. and switch to plugging or snorting it. i plan to snort the remaining Ritty i have, then go back onto Dextroamphetamine. the only problem is... Cocaine is impossible to find in this town right now; much less good Coke.
i will post a picture of me lancing the abscess tomorrow and a link to a video of me milking it too.
this is all i have for today though, my last cigarette beckons me. buckle up if you plan on continuing to check in though... it'll be one hell of a ride.
today is an odd day. one month till release date of the book. one month until i turn 27. i have a TON of transcribing to do, a flurry of editing, a ton of sketches and then the process of having the book printed in that time. i work best under pressure... and it's the start of pressure time... luckily, i have abandoned the idea of joining the "Forever 27 Club" and so i don't have to worry about getting famous and then dying tragically in the next 13 months. i suppose that isn't up to me though.
i should be going back to work at the pizza place again soon. bleh. i need money though.
i ate a fruit-cup, then a jalapeno cheese stick wrapped in tofurkey peppered lunch-meat and microwaved, and a Clif Bar, as well as drinking a Vitamin Water so far today. i will eat dinner of some sort... and i will have a Klondike bar for dessert.
i shot 5mg of oxymorphone IR (i call her Roxy M, as the pill is made by Roxanne Pharma) and 20mg of methylphenidate (i call it Ritty) at 6:30 AM. i crushed up another 10mg of Roxy M. and 20mg of Ritty and added it to the Friday slot of a blue pill-minder i mix my pill shots in. the Friday slot contained the remains of the 6:30AM shot and mooch. i know it's Thursday... i don't bother about the correct date though. i added about 150 units of water to the mix. i drew out 1cc and shot it around 10AM. around 11:45AM i added another 50cc and shot this. i may have done another rinse at some point. i will likely do one after i finish this and smoke a cigarette (my last one, and only the second one of the day). i've been lucky to hit easily in my thigh today. i haven't taken any of my Klonopin 2mg pills (K-pins) or Soma 350mg pills (Soma... hey, it's short enough already)... i've needed to raise a little extra money lately. i don't think i'm physically addicted to the K-pin right now, or if i am, i am just barely. i tend to save it and the Soma up anyways. last Saturday i took about 14mg of K-pin and 8 Somas. that was a good day.
i need to leave my left hand alone... i have a potential infection looming in the webbing between my thumb and index finger. i'm currently on Bactrim orally as well as an ointment. i have an abscess to be lanced on my right arm. it's in the crook of my elbow, the size of a marble, and where my first Staph infection occurred... a frustrated nurse triple stuck me trying to draw blood while i was in the psych ward. they had to put me on IV anti-biotics while i was there, then i had to return to the hospital a few days after i got out of the psych ward as i had to have an abscess about this size sliced open. that was Spring of 2011. two years and 30 or so Staph infections later, i keep getting them. i need to stop shooting, i know it doesn't help. i just want to do one last "Fireball Shot" (5mg Roxy M., 40mg Ritty, a $20 of bell-ringer Coke, and a $20 of Tar Heroin all in one syringe)... then i'll stop shooting the Ritty immediately, and taper off shooting the Roxy M. and switch to plugging or snorting it. i plan to snort the remaining Ritty i have, then go back onto Dextroamphetamine. the only problem is... Cocaine is impossible to find in this town right now; much less good Coke.
i will post a picture of me lancing the abscess tomorrow and a link to a video of me milking it too.
this is all i have for today though, my last cigarette beckons me. buckle up if you plan on continuing to check in though... it'll be one hell of a ride.
I just realized i'd basically logged-out w/o intending to come back for a while, but didn't say anything.. sooo, lest my absence be misconstrued as something bad or not my choice, i wanted to put a formal goodbye up!!
These boards are plenty of fun, and i've been a bl'er on/off for about a decade (wow..!) Right now, a lot of things are happening in my life, and they're starting to go a bit faster than i'd have anticipated.. this is a good(GREAT!) thing, but it really means that i need to make a lot of choices.
I've known this (that i'd have to cut out some things from life to make room), but have just put it off and tried to half-ass keep up, and it just wasn't vibing w/ how i want things right now. i'd known this, but really opened my eyes earlier this week and see how i need to proceed (yes, i'm referring to my incredible found-ecstasy adventures!!)
soooo, w/o further ado, it's been great and i'll miss the social banter, but it's high-time for bmxxx to give message boards a break for a bit and focus on life!
happy/healthy '13 to all of you!
These boards are plenty of fun, and i've been a bl'er on/off for about a decade (wow..!) Right now, a lot of things are happening in my life, and they're starting to go a bit faster than i'd have anticipated.. this is a good(GREAT!) thing, but it really means that i need to make a lot of choices.
I've known this (that i'd have to cut out some things from life to make room), but have just put it off and tried to half-ass keep up, and it just wasn't vibing w/ how i want things right now. i'd known this, but really opened my eyes earlier this week and see how i need to proceed (yes, i'm referring to my incredible found-ecstasy adventures!!)
soooo, w/o further ado, it's been great and i'll miss the social banter, but it's high-time for bmxxx to give message boards a break for a bit and focus on life!
happy/healthy '13 to all of you!
my dad was practical about the matter. said times are different now and there is no point in staying married just to stay married. we have no house or kids to worry about. and we might as well try to be happy.
my mom was an entirely different story. i got a lecture about how i need to grow up and stop trying to have fun all the time. apparently wanting to enjoy my life is not the appropriate life goal? i am happy (well mostly) to work a job a find rewarding so i have the money and time to do the things i enjoy. i don't have an overwhelming need to start a family and i don't see owning property as a sign of being a grown up. as the conversation continued, she started going on about how my friends have always been more important than family. i really don't see how that is relevant to the matters at hand at all. she has been bitching about the fact that i rely on my friends instead of my parents since i was in middle school. she finished by expressing the idea that my friends aren't good for me. according to her, most of them lack direction or purpose in their lives.
there was very little talk about unglued and i. or how i am doing. just a 30 minute conversation about everything i am doing wrong. and she wonders why i never bother talking to her about anything important.
my mom was an entirely different story. i got a lecture about how i need to grow up and stop trying to have fun all the time. apparently wanting to enjoy my life is not the appropriate life goal? i am happy (well mostly) to work a job a find rewarding so i have the money and time to do the things i enjoy. i don't have an overwhelming need to start a family and i don't see owning property as a sign of being a grown up. as the conversation continued, she started going on about how my friends have always been more important than family. i really don't see how that is relevant to the matters at hand at all. she has been bitching about the fact that i rely on my friends instead of my parents since i was in middle school. she finished by expressing the idea that my friends aren't good for me. according to her, most of them lack direction or purpose in their lives.
there was very little talk about unglued and i. or how i am doing. just a 30 minute conversation about everything i am doing wrong. and she wonders why i never bother talking to her about anything important.
I've given suicide a great deal of thought & the more bullshit that keeps hitting me, the more attractive an option it feels. Truth be told, Im surprised I've lasted THIS long. I'm rapidly approaching 50, an Christ everthing is falling apart harder & faster ever since Feb 15th, the cursed day I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, had been sound asleep, and the last thing I needed was another fukn drug case. I got kicked out of Ma's house, this fukd me big time as Ive no more professional license. Yes, am on SDI, supposed to turn to long term disability with the help of my doc, but its the idea that I can no longer go back to work, its no longer an option--unless per chance I manage to get these charges reduced or dropped with no $ for a real attorney.
The above written is the reason I bailed out of jail because as crappy as my chances are now, lets just say barring a miracle, I can pretty much guarantee losing my case for sure had I stayed inside. I'd either been railroaded into a fukn guilty plea with an overpriced PROP case. They dont care if you're on disability or have no job. Its $400/mo. Period. I went up in front of the Judge who told me May 1 & no more extensions to find counsel I can't afford. This dude at the dope house recommended I call this lady for homeless court an that often times charges are reduced or dropped. Its my only hope. If I can't get this court, then I was advised by others experienced in the system to get the public defender, but to show them I know these are bogus charges, stand my ground, dont get railroaded into some shite deal.
If they are jerkin around, then fire them and they have to assign a new one, which still buys time. Its been fucked too that this is the 5th time my blasted sdi check is 2 wks late! All I can say is besides being humiliating as hell running out of $, I couldnt pay the bail guy in a timely matter. So last night they impounded my damn car from Ma's house, as it was one of the rare times spending the night as I was invited and to pick up mail. Ma had a party, I had to park on street, makin it too easy so next morning my damn car gone an thats when i said fuck this. Ive been afraid of the consequences of suicide ranging from immediate reincarnation to being some soul wandering an trapped on this realm until I turned the age Id of been not committing suicide.
My car was my home. Period. Whats worse is that and painkillers are my method. Not that Im not scared of the act of doin what is necessary to end my physical existence-or God 4bid whatever crap ass fate came after. Still, Ma does nothin but verbally shower me with contempt and fuck living on the streets Im too old to switch over surviving solely on crime to make a living. And its not my nature to do so. Ma got the car out of impound because even though Ive paid $200-$250/mo x 27 mo which is $4000+ & yet she insists there is $5100 owing on a car she paid $5000 Dec 2010.
She denies Ive paid that much & when I say I have dup copies of all the chex Ive written her since Dec 2005, she goes balistic an wont hear it. If looks could kill. . .
Im happy to not have that fukn bail bill hangn over my head, but mom with her venumous contempt telln the family im a piece of drug addicted shit, changd the locks on home, even though Ive NEVER burged her or anyones home. And I have to listen to an earful of verbal abuse which is y I leave an sleep in car, go from frnd to frnd, or even once a motel 3 nights to get a break from all this. Having to keep asking to take a shower, not having $ my check 2wx late. Its fuckin humiliating. At least when I was working getting paid slave wages, I knew Id get paid every Friday, even if that shit company made me wait an extra week for part of my wages half the time.
Cant access wifi at ma's for some reason an she tore down my home PC along with all my stuff she put in bags. I told her not to bother leaving me anything in her will and to change it to other beneficiary and she ought to think about who should benefit should I predecease her. Accidents happen.
The above written is the reason I bailed out of jail because as crappy as my chances are now, lets just say barring a miracle, I can pretty much guarantee losing my case for sure had I stayed inside. I'd either been railroaded into a fukn guilty plea with an overpriced PROP case. They dont care if you're on disability or have no job. Its $400/mo. Period. I went up in front of the Judge who told me May 1 & no more extensions to find counsel I can't afford. This dude at the dope house recommended I call this lady for homeless court an that often times charges are reduced or dropped. Its my only hope. If I can't get this court, then I was advised by others experienced in the system to get the public defender, but to show them I know these are bogus charges, stand my ground, dont get railroaded into some shite deal.
If they are jerkin around, then fire them and they have to assign a new one, which still buys time. Its been fucked too that this is the 5th time my blasted sdi check is 2 wks late! All I can say is besides being humiliating as hell running out of $, I couldnt pay the bail guy in a timely matter. So last night they impounded my damn car from Ma's house, as it was one of the rare times spending the night as I was invited and to pick up mail. Ma had a party, I had to park on street, makin it too easy so next morning my damn car gone an thats when i said fuck this. Ive been afraid of the consequences of suicide ranging from immediate reincarnation to being some soul wandering an trapped on this realm until I turned the age Id of been not committing suicide.
My car was my home. Period. Whats worse is that and painkillers are my method. Not that Im not scared of the act of doin what is necessary to end my physical existence-or God 4bid whatever crap ass fate came after. Still, Ma does nothin but verbally shower me with contempt and fuck living on the streets Im too old to switch over surviving solely on crime to make a living. And its not my nature to do so. Ma got the car out of impound because even though Ive paid $200-$250/mo x 27 mo which is $4000+ & yet she insists there is $5100 owing on a car she paid $5000 Dec 2010.
She denies Ive paid that much & when I say I have dup copies of all the chex Ive written her since Dec 2005, she goes balistic an wont hear it. If looks could kill. . .
Im happy to not have that fukn bail bill hangn over my head, but mom with her venumous contempt telln the family im a piece of drug addicted shit, changd the locks on home, even though Ive NEVER burged her or anyones home. And I have to listen to an earful of verbal abuse which is y I leave an sleep in car, go from frnd to frnd, or even once a motel 3 nights to get a break from all this. Having to keep asking to take a shower, not having $ my check 2wx late. Its fuckin humiliating. At least when I was working getting paid slave wages, I knew Id get paid every Friday, even if that shit company made me wait an extra week for part of my wages half the time.
Cant access wifi at ma's for some reason an she tore down my home PC along with all my stuff she put in bags. I told her not to bother leaving me anything in her will and to change it to other beneficiary and she ought to think about who should benefit should I predecease her. Accidents happen.
Took 1mg (1000mcg) naltrexone last night around 11:15pm. Went to bed around 12:15am(?), fell asleep easily again but had a really poor sleep, wide awake at 5:45am, couldn't get back to sleep, got up for a while, finally fell asleep for a couple hrs, woke up feeling super groggy. Bad pain day, generally shitty feeling day. Nothing worse than one of my "down"/bad days (or insomniac nights) before the naltrexone though, so I don't know what role, if any, the naltrexone played. I might be having some trouble because I haven't been taking sleeping pills. Been trying not to take any drugs other than the naltrexone. I might try some herbs for sleep or something. Not sure how much naltrexone to take tonight... Only positive thing I noticed today is that my diarrhea is still gone.
Last night (12am) I took 500mcg of naltrexone. I felt really sleepy soon (maybe 30min?) afterwards and fell asleep on the couch. Around an hr later I woke and and went to bed, fell back asleep really fast. I still had a somewhat restless sleep after that but better than the previous few nights.
I woke up at 8:30am again and still felt in pain and kind of groggy when I woke up but mentally I felt a little bit better than usual, and I actually didn't lay around in bed for hours like I normally do. Aside from that I did not feel much more energetic or motivated than usual.
I decided to try taking some more naltrexone - 250mcg - at 12pm today. I haven't noticed much so far from that aside from feeling a little bit more relaxed and perhaps more focussed, but it's only been a few hours.
I think I'll try 1mg (1000mcg) tonight.
Haven't noticed any adverse effects.
Myths about LDN:
There seems to be a very popular myth online that, regardless of the person or reason for use, LDN should only be taken at night. Read more if you want to hear why I think this is a myth...
This idea originates from 1 or 2 of the main proponents of LDN claiming that endogenous opioids such as endorphins are only produced by the body (mainly pituitary gland) between the hours of around 12am-4am, which is not even true. There does seem to be a circadian rhythm regarding circulating blood levels of endorphins (like beta-endorphin) in average healthy people (who also don't have sleep difficulties/deprivation), with higher levels being detected in the blood at night and lower levels during the day, but that is not evidence that the body only makes or secretes endorphins at night, let alone in everyone, nor does it support that LDN should only be taken at night. These people made the assumption that the sole way LDN works is by blocking the opioid receptors for a few hours (they present it as though when you take their recommended doses of 1.5-5mg the opioid receptors are fully blocked for 2-4 hours and then suddenly unblocked, which makes no sense) and your body responds to this blockade by producing more endorphins, which can then affect you after the blockade wears off. They concluded that if the blockade doesn't occur during the specific hours in which your body supposedly (according to them) makes all of its endorphins that the naltrexone won't increase endorphin production and will therefore have no benefit to anyone. Well, it's a lot more complex than that, I think this comes from theories from over 20 years ago when much less was understood about LDN and the body's endogenous opioid system, and then has been repeated as gospel ever since.
I heard an interview with Dr. Ian Zagon (an LDN proponent) where he said he was partly responsible for starting the "LDN should only be taken at night" rumour because he'd suggested before bedtime dosing simply for the reason that he thought you wouldn't want your opioid receptors blocked during the day but now his advice is to take it whenever you want (but just once a day according to him), especially if you find it adversely affects your sleep quality. Not that I agree with everything he says, but I do agree that there is insufficient evidence to support everyone being told to only take it at night.
I think I will mostly try to continue taking it at night for now though, but we'll see.
There are a lot of pervasive myths, claims and pseudo-science surrounding LDN, (including on some of the most popular LDN websites unfortunately), and certain people promote it as a panacea that treats everything. So be aware of that when reading about it and look for evidence and people's experiences as opposed to just believing everything you read. The fact that some people make it sound like snake-oil doesn't mean it doesn't actually work or that there isn't real evidence behind it. Some studies can be found in my earlier blog posts.
I woke up at 8:30am again and still felt in pain and kind of groggy when I woke up but mentally I felt a little bit better than usual, and I actually didn't lay around in bed for hours like I normally do. Aside from that I did not feel much more energetic or motivated than usual.
I decided to try taking some more naltrexone - 250mcg - at 12pm today. I haven't noticed much so far from that aside from feeling a little bit more relaxed and perhaps more focussed, but it's only been a few hours.
I think I'll try 1mg (1000mcg) tonight.
Haven't noticed any adverse effects.
Myths about LDN:
There seems to be a very popular myth online that, regardless of the person or reason for use, LDN should only be taken at night. Read more if you want to hear why I think this is a myth...
This idea originates from 1 or 2 of the main proponents of LDN claiming that endogenous opioids such as endorphins are only produced by the body (mainly pituitary gland) between the hours of around 12am-4am, which is not even true. There does seem to be a circadian rhythm regarding circulating blood levels of endorphins (like beta-endorphin) in average healthy people (who also don't have sleep difficulties/deprivation), with higher levels being detected in the blood at night and lower levels during the day, but that is not evidence that the body only makes or secretes endorphins at night, let alone in everyone, nor does it support that LDN should only be taken at night. These people made the assumption that the sole way LDN works is by blocking the opioid receptors for a few hours (they present it as though when you take their recommended doses of 1.5-5mg the opioid receptors are fully blocked for 2-4 hours and then suddenly unblocked, which makes no sense) and your body responds to this blockade by producing more endorphins, which can then affect you after the blockade wears off. They concluded that if the blockade doesn't occur during the specific hours in which your body supposedly (according to them) makes all of its endorphins that the naltrexone won't increase endorphin production and will therefore have no benefit to anyone. Well, it's a lot more complex than that, I think this comes from theories from over 20 years ago when much less was understood about LDN and the body's endogenous opioid system, and then has been repeated as gospel ever since.
I heard an interview with Dr. Ian Zagon (an LDN proponent) where he said he was partly responsible for starting the "LDN should only be taken at night" rumour because he'd suggested before bedtime dosing simply for the reason that he thought you wouldn't want your opioid receptors blocked during the day but now his advice is to take it whenever you want (but just once a day according to him), especially if you find it adversely affects your sleep quality. Not that I agree with everything he says, but I do agree that there is insufficient evidence to support everyone being told to only take it at night.
I think I will mostly try to continue taking it at night for now though, but we'll see.
There are a lot of pervasive myths, claims and pseudo-science surrounding LDN, (including on some of the most popular LDN websites unfortunately), and certain people promote it as a panacea that treats everything. So be aware of that when reading about it and look for evidence and people's experiences as opposed to just believing everything you read. The fact that some people make it sound like snake-oil doesn't mean it doesn't actually work or that there isn't real evidence behind it. Some studies can be found in my earlier blog posts.
My hope is that writing this blog will help me understand my own issue better, as well as give me people to talk to about my problem.
Why I need to quit amphetamines:
I took amphetamines for around 4 months last Spring, and stopped after then end of the semester, after doing pretty bad academically from having such a fucked up schedule and not taking care of myself. I was sleeping UNHUMAN amounts at college, sometimes only sleeping 3-4 times in a week. I never slept more than about 5 times a week. My face was VERY noticably changed after just ONE SEMESTER. I stopped taking amphetamines for a LONG time, a good full 6 months.
I started again 2 months ago, after getting some Vyvanse from a friend. So now I'm prescribed Adderall again, but the changed appearance in my face is KILLING me.
I am self-conscious as hell about it. My eyelids are permanently kinda baggy/droopy, it's like I just have too much eyelid. My cheeks each have two lines across them, one at the top of my shallow-out cheeks, and the other is a deep nasolabial fold. It's terrible, I look like a drug user just from looking at my FACE. Doesn't that sound terrible? Who wants their face of all things to look like you use drugs... My lips are all beak-like too, it really sucks. My body in general is aged, my face is thinned out, I'm hurting my body. I'm self-conscious about my appearance normally, but irreversible damage to my face is just TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE to my wellbeing, for the REST OF MY LIFE. My face never "recovered" when I stopped for 6 months. Every morning, my eyelids are super poofy and you can see the rings under my eyes from the speed. Also, my nose is changing shape... I can't stand the thought of making my face look even worse.
The reason why it break my heart to quit amphetamines:
I'm in upper-level mathematics classes at a top-tier school, and amphetamine lets me really "get into it". I can take something from the class notes that I don't understand, and just work on it on a blackboard for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it takes, and I'm really interested and enjoying the work. It makes me an information sponge, where I'll work patiently for hours. It also works really well for math, which requires abstract thinking and reasoning. In short, amphetamine is a wonder-drug for those in upper-level mathematics classes.
See my conflict? The drug that makes me fascinated in and great at mathematics, is also ruining my facial appearance irreparably. After college, I'm getting either plastic surgery or facial fillers, or both, to try to make myself look less bad. I mean, I don't look like a meth-head, but you can certainly see that I use illicit drugs.
Thoughts?
Why I need to quit amphetamines:
I took amphetamines for around 4 months last Spring, and stopped after then end of the semester, after doing pretty bad academically from having such a fucked up schedule and not taking care of myself. I was sleeping UNHUMAN amounts at college, sometimes only sleeping 3-4 times in a week. I never slept more than about 5 times a week. My face was VERY noticably changed after just ONE SEMESTER.
I stopped taking amphetamines for a LONG time, a good full 6 months. I started again 2 months ago, after getting some Vyvanse from a friend. So now I'm prescribed Adderall again, but the changed appearance in my face is KILLING me.
I am self-conscious as hell about it. My eyelids are permanently kinda baggy/droopy, it's like I just have too much eyelid. My cheeks each have two lines across them, one at the top of my shallow-out cheeks, and the other is a deep nasolabial fold. It's terrible, I look like a drug user just from looking at my FACE. Doesn't that sound terrible? Who wants their face of all things to look like you use drugs... My lips are all beak-like too, it really sucks. My body in general is aged, my face is thinned out, I'm hurting my body. I'm self-conscious about my appearance normally, but irreversible damage to my face is just TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE to my wellbeing, for the REST OF MY LIFE. My face never "recovered" when I stopped for 6 months. Every morning, my eyelids are super poofy and you can see the rings under my eyes from the speed. Also, my nose is changing shape... I can't stand the thought of making my face look even worse.
The reason why it break my heart to quit amphetamines:
I'm in upper-level mathematics classes at a top-tier school, and amphetamine lets me really "get into it". I can take something from the class notes that I don't understand, and just work on it on a blackboard for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it takes, and I'm really interested and enjoying the work. It makes me an information sponge, where I'll work patiently for hours. It also works really well for math, which requires abstract thinking and reasoning. In short, amphetamine is a wonder-drug for those in upper-level mathematics classes.
See my conflict? The drug that makes me fascinated in and great at mathematics, is also ruining my facial appearance irreparably. After college, I'm getting either plastic surgery or facial fillers, or both, to try to make myself look less bad. I mean, I don't look like a meth-head, but you can certainly see that I use illicit drugs.
Thoughts?
I took my first very low dose of naltrexone last night before bed. For all the background info read my previous blog entries.
I took 100mcg naltrexone at midnight and went to bed 20-30 min after. I had been having a lot of anxiety for the whole evening, feeling restless and having difficulty concentrating. Not too long after taking the naltrexone I actually felt more relaxed. I had been fearing the opposite would happen. I went to bed and continued feeling more relaxed and was just falling asleep when my partner came into the bedroom and started turning on lights and loudly banging around under the bed with a broom because he was convinced my cat was hiding under there (he doesn't like her to be in the bedroom, especially at night). I was like, "No she isn't," but he said he couldn't find her anywhere and she must be in there. After some time of this I got frustrated and went to look for her - she was sitting peacefully in her cat bed in the living room, lol. So now I was pretty awake. Normally because of my difficulties sleeping I would be very distressed if something/someone woke me up just as I was getting to sleep, but I wasn't that bothered about it this time. Lying in bed, I started looking at stuff online on my phone (I know, not a good idea) and I was reading Lamebook and finding it absolutely hilarious. I was in a good mood. I also noticed that I wasn't in any real pain. I decided to try to go to sleep again and quickly fell asleep (this was maybe somewhere around 2am).
I did not have a good sleep, I kept waking throughout the night and tossing and turning, but this is definitely not at all unusual for me and was about the same as the previous (naltrexone-free) night. I woke up (for the last/proper time) at 8:30am. I did not feel any better or different than usual (pessimistic, groggy) in the morning and woke up with my usual "bone" pain. As usual I had to go to the bathroom soon after waking but I didn't have diarrhea (but it was not quite what I would consider "healthy" either without going into TMI).
I am feeling better now (early afternoon) but that's pretty normal for me too.
So, I don't think that the positive things I felt after taking the naltrexone were likely placebo, but they could very easily just be a coincidence. Why I say I don't think it's placebo is because I am generally more prone to "nocebo" effects - where I think a drug isn't working or I think anything negative might be due to the drug (although since I understand this about myself I compensate for it) - than placebo effects, and because if I expected anything from the naltrexone it was that it might make me feel bad after taking it and better when I woke up, neither of which happened. So, all in all, very inconclusive except I can safely say the 100mcg naltrexone did not have any noticeable negative effects or cause withdrawal-type symptoms (note for anyone who hasn't been reading my earlier entries I am not currently taking any opioids).
I am going to take a higher dose tonight.
I will update this entry later, if I have the time, to say how I felt for the rest of the day.
I took 100mcg naltrexone at midnight and went to bed 20-30 min after. I had been having a lot of anxiety for the whole evening, feeling restless and having difficulty concentrating. Not too long after taking the naltrexone I actually felt more relaxed. I had been fearing the opposite would happen. I went to bed and continued feeling more relaxed and was just falling asleep when my partner came into the bedroom and started turning on lights and loudly banging around under the bed with a broom because he was convinced my cat was hiding under there (he doesn't like her to be in the bedroom, especially at night). I was like, "No she isn't," but he said he couldn't find her anywhere and she must be in there. After some time of this I got frustrated and went to look for her - she was sitting peacefully in her cat bed in the living room, lol. So now I was pretty awake. Normally because of my difficulties sleeping I would be very distressed if something/someone woke me up just as I was getting to sleep, but I wasn't that bothered about it this time. Lying in bed, I started looking at stuff online on my phone (I know, not a good idea) and I was reading Lamebook and finding it absolutely hilarious. I was in a good mood. I also noticed that I wasn't in any real pain. I decided to try to go to sleep again and quickly fell asleep (this was maybe somewhere around 2am).
I did not have a good sleep, I kept waking throughout the night and tossing and turning, but this is definitely not at all unusual for me and was about the same as the previous (naltrexone-free) night. I woke up (for the last/proper time) at 8:30am. I did not feel any better or different than usual (pessimistic, groggy) in the morning and woke up with my usual "bone" pain. As usual I had to go to the bathroom soon after waking but I didn't have diarrhea (but it was not quite what I would consider "healthy" either without going into TMI).
I am feeling better now (early afternoon) but that's pretty normal for me too.
So, I don't think that the positive things I felt after taking the naltrexone were likely placebo, but they could very easily just be a coincidence. Why I say I don't think it's placebo is because I am generally more prone to "nocebo" effects - where I think a drug isn't working or I think anything negative might be due to the drug (although since I understand this about myself I compensate for it) - than placebo effects, and because if I expected anything from the naltrexone it was that it might make me feel bad after taking it and better when I woke up, neither of which happened. So, all in all, very inconclusive except I can safely say the 100mcg naltrexone did not have any noticeable negative effects or cause withdrawal-type symptoms (note for anyone who hasn't been reading my earlier entries I am not currently taking any opioids).
I am going to take a higher dose tonight.
I will update this entry later, if I have the time, to say how I felt for the rest of the day.
More about my drug and health history, a list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing so I can easily compare if any improve or worsen after I start the naltrexone, and details about the naltrexone I will be taking.
1. More about my drug and health history
Off opioids completely for over a month, aside from 2mg of loperamide a few weeks back and a very low dose of DXM (an extremely weak opioid) maybe a couple wks ago.
I was addicted to heroin for around 10 years and on methadone for around 10 years. There were maybe 5 years or more of overlap where I was using heroin as well as methadone. I have not used heroin for years and have been off methadone for 4-5 months. I spent over 1 yr slowly tapering the methadone. I feel this was a mistake in retrospect. After I got down below a certain dose I felt withdrawal symptoms most of the time and I think that continuing such a slow gradual taper after that point did me a disservice, slowed/delayed my recovery and conditioned my brain to feel sick all the time, not to mention that it has been hugely stressful on my mind and body for numerous reasons. I do have chronic pain from various injuries (presumably, it's hard to tell what is still directly related to those injuries since a normal healthy person should have long since recovered) but was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, however my current doctor believes the fibromyalgia may be primarily opioid-induced and I agree. Look up opioid-induced hyperalgesia and allodynia for more info.
I tapered down to under 10mg of methadone a day, and I was so sick by that point and continued to get sicker after stopping the methadone completely, so drug-wise I still used mainly: very low doses of oral morphine, low doses of benzos for a while, and gabapentin. I tapered off all those, it's been around 5 weeks+ since I completely stopped the morphine. I also wanted to be drug-free from all types of drugs for a while before starting the naltrexone so as to see what my current state is without any drugs and to be able to properly assess the results of my experiment with naltrexone. I do have problems sleeping and I've read that insomnia can sometimes be a side effect of LDN, so I can't guarantee that I won't take anything for sleep while taking it, but if I do I will make a note of it in my blog. Sometimes I take naproxen or ibuprofen. As for vitamins/supplements, right now I am just taking high doses of Vit D, fish oil, and I plan to get a good amino acid complex because amino acids are important for proper brain function, rebuilding opioid receptors and lots of other good stuff. I have tried a ton of other stuff in the past, but am in a phase where I want to simplify things.
I smoke cigarettes and my smoking has gone up since quitting opioids.
2. Long list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing:
- difficulty sleeping (trouble getting to sleep, restless sleep, lots of dreams, waking up early and being wide awake and unable to get back to sleep)
- feelings of dread, anxiety and discomfort upon awakening, my mind is wide awake but body feels very tired and I don't feel refreshed or energetic at all
- lack of motivation/initiative (this is a huge one for me)
- lack of energy; easily fatigued; feel weak
- absolutely no sex drive
- anxiety is slowly improving but I still have a lot of physical feelings of anxiety in my chest, like my chest/stomach is tight and I'm not breathing deeply, even when I don't feel mentally anxious, if that makes sense
- diarrhea, seems to be slowly improving (I had chronic diarrhea ever since getting below a certain dose of methadone, it's only recently begun to improve compared to then, but right after I stopped the methadone and stopped the morphine it was very bad)
- frequent headaches
- extreme sensitivity to cold
- sweating (I never used to sweat like this!)
- general aches and pains (often feels like it's "in my bones" but that type of pain is improved compared to when I was tapering and compared to right after I quit)
- general heightened sensitivity to pain
- "trigger point" pain, there are a ton of spots on me that hurt when pressed
- slight tremor noticed in hands
- general anhedonia (difficulty experiencing pleasure from things usually found enjoyable, lack of desire to do these things)
- random occasional bouts of sneezing or runny nose, etc
- random occasional bouts of what feels like mild acute withdrawal symptoms
- freezing cold feet all the time, hands often cold too
- very sensitive to everything (touch, temperature, foods, odors, light, noise, sensations, etc)
- extremely painful tongue (and sometimes lips)
- occasionally, cravings for heroin or romanticizing the time I was using (I deal with these pretty well though)
- memory problems
- unrealistic expectations of myself
- guilt
- internet and smoking addictions are worsened
- various nervous system issues
- sometimes a burning skin sensation
- pupils still not normal (sometimes dilated, sometimes fluctuating)
- probably more things I've forgot to mention but you get the idea, LOL
Many of my symptoms come and go or improve and worsen with wave-like reoccurrences or fluctuations in severity of symptoms, which is pretty common for both acute and post-acute withdrawal and many chronic health conditions.
3. Details about the naltrexone I will be taking:
I got mine prescribed and prepared by a compounding pharmacy in liquid form. It's not cheap, but maybe I can switch to capsules if I find this first trial worth continuing and figure out a set dose. I thought liquid would be easier in order to measure very tiny doses and gradually titrate up the dose if I think that's a good idea. With capsules I would have had to have a set dose per capsule. I discussed more about the different options for LDN preparations in this thread in OD. (Maybe after some more research I will post instructions for making it oneself from 50mg naltrexone tablets if anyone wants that info - I know it's not possible for everyone to get it compounded from a pharmacy like me, you need a Rx and it's not exactly cheap).
Even though I said before that I wanted to try just 10mcg naltrexone initially I now think I'm just going to go with 100mcg the first time and see what happens. That's still a very low dose compared to the "LDN" doses of 1-5mg recommended for various issues. I will be measuring it with an oral syringe. I'm going to try taking it at night as that's what is generally recommended, the idea being that if it partly blocks your endorphins it will be while you're asleep and you will get an increase in endorphins around when you wake up. Who knows, maybe 100mcg will not be enough to notice anything, but I don't want to be too impatient or assume a higher dose = better. I figured better to take too little and have it do nothing perceptible then take too much, get unpleasant side effects and be afraid to take it again, right?
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
[EDIT 2: added a symptom I'd forgotten to mention]
1. More about my drug and health history
Off opioids completely for over a month, aside from 2mg of loperamide a few weeks back and a very low dose of DXM (an extremely weak opioid) maybe a couple wks ago.
I was addicted to heroin for around 10 years and on methadone for around 10 years. There were maybe 5 years or more of overlap where I was using heroin as well as methadone. I have not used heroin for years and have been off methadone for 4-5 months. I spent over 1 yr slowly tapering the methadone. I feel this was a mistake in retrospect. After I got down below a certain dose I felt withdrawal symptoms most of the time and I think that continuing such a slow gradual taper after that point did me a disservice, slowed/delayed my recovery and conditioned my brain to feel sick all the time, not to mention that it has been hugely stressful on my mind and body for numerous reasons. I do have chronic pain from various injuries (presumably, it's hard to tell what is still directly related to those injuries since a normal healthy person should have long since recovered) but was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, however my current doctor believes the fibromyalgia may be primarily opioid-induced and I agree. Look up opioid-induced hyperalgesia and allodynia for more info.
I tapered down to under 10mg of methadone a day, and I was so sick by that point and continued to get sicker after stopping the methadone completely, so drug-wise I still used mainly: very low doses of oral morphine, low doses of benzos for a while, and gabapentin. I tapered off all those, it's been around 5 weeks+ since I completely stopped the morphine. I also wanted to be drug-free from all types of drugs for a while before starting the naltrexone so as to see what my current state is without any drugs and to be able to properly assess the results of my experiment with naltrexone. I do have problems sleeping and I've read that insomnia can sometimes be a side effect of LDN, so I can't guarantee that I won't take anything for sleep while taking it, but if I do I will make a note of it in my blog. Sometimes I take naproxen or ibuprofen. As for vitamins/supplements, right now I am just taking high doses of Vit D, fish oil, and I plan to get a good amino acid complex because amino acids are important for proper brain function, rebuilding opioid receptors and lots of other good stuff. I have tried a ton of other stuff in the past, but am in a phase where I want to simplify things.
I smoke cigarettes and my smoking has gone up since quitting opioids.
2. Long list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing:
- difficulty sleeping (trouble getting to sleep, restless sleep, lots of dreams, waking up early and being wide awake and unable to get back to sleep)
- feelings of dread, anxiety and discomfort upon awakening, my mind is wide awake but body feels very tired and I don't feel refreshed or energetic at all
- lack of motivation/initiative (this is a huge one for me)
- lack of energy; easily fatigued; feel weak
- absolutely no sex drive
- anxiety is slowly improving but I still have a lot of physical feelings of anxiety in my chest, like my chest/stomach is tight and I'm not breathing deeply, even when I don't feel mentally anxious, if that makes sense
- diarrhea, seems to be slowly improving (I had chronic diarrhea ever since getting below a certain dose of methadone, it's only recently begun to improve compared to then, but right after I stopped the methadone and stopped the morphine it was very bad)
- frequent headaches
- extreme sensitivity to cold
- sweating (I never used to sweat like this!)
- general aches and pains (often feels like it's "in my bones" but that type of pain is improved compared to when I was tapering and compared to right after I quit)
- general heightened sensitivity to pain
- "trigger point" pain, there are a ton of spots on me that hurt when pressed
- slight tremor noticed in hands
- general anhedonia (difficulty experiencing pleasure from things usually found enjoyable, lack of desire to do these things)
- random occasional bouts of sneezing or runny nose, etc
- random occasional bouts of what feels like mild acute withdrawal symptoms
- freezing cold feet all the time, hands often cold too
- very sensitive to everything (touch, temperature, foods, odors, light, noise, sensations, etc)
- extremely painful tongue (and sometimes lips)
- occasionally, cravings for heroin or romanticizing the time I was using (I deal with these pretty well though)
- memory problems
- unrealistic expectations of myself
- guilt
- internet and smoking addictions are worsened
- various nervous system issues
- sometimes a burning skin sensation
- pupils still not normal (sometimes dilated, sometimes fluctuating)
- probably more things I've forgot to mention but you get the idea, LOL
Many of my symptoms come and go or improve and worsen with wave-like reoccurrences or fluctuations in severity of symptoms, which is pretty common for both acute and post-acute withdrawal and many chronic health conditions.
3. Details about the naltrexone I will be taking:
I got mine prescribed and prepared by a compounding pharmacy in liquid form. It's not cheap, but maybe I can switch to capsules if I find this first trial worth continuing and figure out a set dose. I thought liquid would be easier in order to measure very tiny doses and gradually titrate up the dose if I think that's a good idea. With capsules I would have had to have a set dose per capsule. I discussed more about the different options for LDN preparations in this thread in OD. (Maybe after some more research I will post instructions for making it oneself from 50mg naltrexone tablets if anyone wants that info - I know it's not possible for everyone to get it compounded from a pharmacy like me, you need a Rx and it's not exactly cheap).
Even though I said before that I wanted to try just 10mcg naltrexone initially I now think I'm just going to go with 100mcg the first time and see what happens. That's still a very low dose compared to the "LDN" doses of 1-5mg recommended for various issues. I will be measuring it with an oral syringe. I'm going to try taking it at night as that's what is generally recommended, the idea being that if it partly blocks your endorphins it will be while you're asleep and you will get an increase in endorphins around when you wake up. Who knows, maybe 100mcg will not be enough to notice anything, but I don't want to be too impatient or assume a higher dose = better. I figured better to take too little and have it do nothing perceptible then take too much, get unpleasant side effects and be afraid to take it again, right?
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
[EDIT 2: added a symptom I'd forgotten to mention]
I'm going to start the very low dose naltrexone tomorrow. I am trying not to have any expectations about it, but it's hard not to feel a little hopeful after all the reading I've been doing about it. But I will just be posting my experiences honestly, whether good, bad or neutral.
For this entry, here are some other people's experiences using low doses of naltrexone for opioid PAWS that I have found. Some are from threads on other forums where there are a ton of extraneous posts from other people so I wanted to copy just the relevant posts from people who have actually tried it (and also in case the threads disappear at some point) but I can only post 10,000 char per blog entry here, so here are the links. Sorry, you will have to read through the whole threads.
LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
another low dose naltrexone thread by jared2112 (on Addiction Survivors)
LDN for PAWS from opiates (I'm not sure which one):
LDN: Low Dose Naltrexone Therapy by Eon T. McKnight (on Eboka Info)
LDN for PAWS from oxycodone (after a quick Subutex taper):
Anyone tried low dose naltrexone? by lauradiane (on ODR)
LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
Low dose naltrexone therepy for Suboxone PAWS by 11Bravo (on Drugs.com)
I'll add more if I find any
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
For this entry, here are some other people's experiences using low doses of naltrexone for opioid PAWS that I have found. Some are from threads on other forums where there are a ton of extraneous posts from other people so I wanted to copy just the relevant posts from people who have actually tried it (and also in case the threads disappear at some point) but I can only post 10,000 char per blog entry here, so here are the links. Sorry, you will have to read through the whole threads.
LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
another low dose naltrexone thread by jared2112 (on Addiction Survivors)
LDN for PAWS from opiates (I'm not sure which one
LDN: Low Dose Naltrexone Therapy by Eon T. McKnight (on Eboka Info)
LDN for PAWS from oxycodone (after a quick Subutex taper):
Anyone tried low dose naltrexone? by lauradiane (on ODR)
LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
Low dose naltrexone therepy for Suboxone PAWS by 11Bravo (on Drugs.com)
I'll add more if I find any
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
I have decided to start taking very low doses of naltrexone (an opioid antagonist) for my PAWS and general pain/lethargy/depression/etc. I have been off methadone for ~4-5 months after over a decade of being on it and a very slow taper to come off it, and off all opioids/opiates for over a month now. I still have severe PAWS (a whole bunch of symptoms), hyperalgesia (increased sensitivity to pain), allodynia (pain from things that wouldn't be painful to a "normal" healthy person), and other chronic pain. I have been doing a lot of reading about low dose naltrexone (LDN) and ultra low dose naltrexone (ULDN). This is NOT the same as taking 50mg naltrexone pills (like Revia) or the naltrexone injection (Vivitrol) or anything like that. The doses I am talking about range from less than 1mcg to ~5mg. If taken in the right dose it should not block opioid receptors perceptibly. The idea is that "ultra" low doses (0.5mcg-1mg depending on the person/situation) can even be taken WITH opioids to reduce tolerance and dependence and can be taken during withdrawal to reduce withdrawal symptoms, and that low doses (usually 1mg-5mg) can be taken by non-opioid dependent persons to reduce chronic pain and many disorders in which low endorphins play a role.
The theories of how this works include:
- Naltrexone causes upregulation of opioid receptors (this is the opposite of what opioid agonists do and is part of the cause of tolerance/dependence/withdrawal). Receptor upregulation increases the receptors' sensitivity to the body's natural opioids as well.
- Naltrexone can change aspects of opioid receptors that cause hyperalgesia, getting rid of the hyperalgesia.
- Naltrexone causes the body to start producing more of its natural opioids like endorphins.
There are a lot of studies supporting the above and the use of these kinds of low doses. If anyone is interested in learning more I can post some.
I am not going to be starting the naltrexone for about a week, I just wanted to give some background info first. Taking low doses specifically for PAWS is not something there seems to be any research on and very few anecdotal reports either, so I'm going to be a guinea pig and blog about my experience.
In the meantime you can check out these threads for more info:
Ultra low dose Naltrexone for tolerance (this contains discussion of ULDN for withdrawal as well and a bunch of studies)
Low dose or ultra low dose naltrexone for post acute withdrawal syndrome? (my thread, includes more details about how I am going to go about this and some questions)
Ultra low dose naltrexone, lets talk mode(s) of action (a thread in ADD)
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
The theories of how this works include:
- Naltrexone causes upregulation of opioid receptors (this is the opposite of what opioid agonists do and is part of the cause of tolerance/dependence/withdrawal). Receptor upregulation increases the receptors' sensitivity to the body's natural opioids as well.
- Naltrexone can change aspects of opioid receptors that cause hyperalgesia, getting rid of the hyperalgesia.
- Naltrexone causes the body to start producing more of its natural opioids like endorphins.
There are a lot of studies supporting the above and the use of these kinds of low doses. If anyone is interested in learning more I can post some.
I am not going to be starting the naltrexone for about a week, I just wanted to give some background info first. Taking low doses specifically for PAWS is not something there seems to be any research on and very few anecdotal reports either, so I'm going to be a guinea pig and blog about my experience.
In the meantime you can check out these threads for more info:
Ultra low dose Naltrexone for tolerance (this contains discussion of ULDN for withdrawal as well and a bunch of studies)
Low dose or ultra low dose naltrexone for post acute withdrawal syndrome? (my thread, includes more details about how I am going to go about this and some questions)
Ultra low dose naltrexone, lets talk mode(s) of action (a thread in ADD)
[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
A continuation...
Almost from the start the "Memoir of Naim Bey" was labeled as fake. The situation got so bad that by 1937 Andonian was admitting that the book was not a historical work, but rather a bit of propaganda whipped up (mostly) by the "Armenian Bureau" in London. He furthermore claimed that, contrary to popular opinion, Naim Bey actually existed but could not be found owning to his alcoholism and gambling addiction. Critics had sought out Bey only to come away empty handed. In fact, in our era, scholars have made this same search only to discover that no Ottoman official of that name has ever existed. Others choose to focus only on the 31 purported telegrams and documents contained within the book.
As with all Turkish military documents in WWI, these were sent by cipher. Unlike all other Ottoman documents of the era the Cipher Registry numbers affixed to the 31 documents do not correspond to any in Ottoman records. They are not on official Ottoman documentation paper, and were composed by a non-Turkish speaker- very strange given their purported origination with Enver Pasha. Today very few scholars accept the work as anything other than an outright fraud.
The second strand of purported Mens Rea is the Turkish Military Tribunals of 1919 and 1920. There were at least six regional tribunals held at the behest of the Entente, the WWI equivalent of WWII's "Allies." The one tibunal serving in this regard is the second one, held in Istanbul. Not only was Enver Pasha (in absentia) and other members of the Turkish Government during WWI held to account, but 42 documents were included in the indictment sheet. Certainly those documents would establish Mens Rea, right?
After clamoring for implementation of the Tribunals the Entente was horrified with what took place. Ottoman Justice had no Due Process whatsoever. Cross Examination was not permitted, legal counsel was denied during prosecutorial depositions, the inditment sheet was read into the record as fact and on and on and on. But what about those 42 documents?
British High Commissioner, Admiral Calthorpe labeled the Tribunals a farce. His underling John de Roebuck did the same in parallel correspondance and American High Commissioner Lewis Heck agreed full heartedly. In fact, after the Entente had the Turks shelve the Tribunals, the British attempted to hold legitimate tribunals on Malta. Not one of the 42 documents were judged authentic and all were rejected from use.
Genocide is far too serious an accusation to be made based upon emotion. If the case cannot be made factually it should not be made. To use the term too freely is to disrespect those who truly suffered from it. This has always been my view. Unfortunately, in the Politically Correct climate of our day such a view horrifies most people. Then again, most people believe Nelson Mandela to be a saint and not the baby killing terrorist he truly is.
Almost from the start the "Memoir of Naim Bey" was labeled as fake. The situation got so bad that by 1937 Andonian was admitting that the book was not a historical work, but rather a bit of propaganda whipped up (mostly) by the "Armenian Bureau" in London. He furthermore claimed that, contrary to popular opinion, Naim Bey actually existed but could not be found owning to his alcoholism and gambling addiction. Critics had sought out Bey only to come away empty handed. In fact, in our era, scholars have made this same search only to discover that no Ottoman official of that name has ever existed. Others choose to focus only on the 31 purported telegrams and documents contained within the book.
As with all Turkish military documents in WWI, these were sent by cipher. Unlike all other Ottoman documents of the era the Cipher Registry numbers affixed to the 31 documents do not correspond to any in Ottoman records. They are not on official Ottoman documentation paper, and were composed by a non-Turkish speaker- very strange given their purported origination with Enver Pasha. Today very few scholars accept the work as anything other than an outright fraud.
The second strand of purported Mens Rea is the Turkish Military Tribunals of 1919 and 1920. There were at least six regional tribunals held at the behest of the Entente, the WWI equivalent of WWII's "Allies." The one tibunal serving in this regard is the second one, held in Istanbul. Not only was Enver Pasha (in absentia) and other members of the Turkish Government during WWI held to account, but 42 documents were included in the indictment sheet. Certainly those documents would establish Mens Rea, right?
After clamoring for implementation of the Tribunals the Entente was horrified with what took place. Ottoman Justice had no Due Process whatsoever. Cross Examination was not permitted, legal counsel was denied during prosecutorial depositions, the inditment sheet was read into the record as fact and on and on and on. But what about those 42 documents?
British High Commissioner, Admiral Calthorpe labeled the Tribunals a farce. His underling John de Roebuck did the same in parallel correspondance and American High Commissioner Lewis Heck agreed full heartedly. In fact, after the Entente had the Turks shelve the Tribunals, the British attempted to hold legitimate tribunals on Malta. Not one of the 42 documents were judged authentic and all were rejected from use.
Genocide is far too serious an accusation to be made based upon emotion. If the case cannot be made factually it should not be made. To use the term too freely is to disrespect those who truly suffered from it. This has always been my view. Unfortunately, in the Politically Correct climate of our day such a view horrifies most people. Then again, most people believe Nelson Mandela to be a saint and not the baby killing terrorist he truly is.
But even when no criterion for use is mandated, prolonged negative affect is rare. As with Peden and Leary, Vollenweider asserts that many psychologically stable subjects who’ve used psilocybin in a reinforcing setting betray ‘no indication of prolonged psychosis, persisting perception disorder or subsequent drug abuse’; he also notes that a low dose (of less than .215 milligrams per kilogram administered) was found to very rarely lead to any anxious or irritating symptoms at all when administered in a supportive setting, while depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, alcohol addiction, and chronic pain and obsessive compulsive disorder still showed improvement at this dose; in particular, Vollenweider cites one recent study that found a moderate amount of psilocybin to improve mood and anxiety in those with advanced cancer; the effect lasted anywhere from two weeks to six months (646-648).
Another recent analysis found that psilocybin aborted cluster headaches (which produce pain trumping that of even the most severe migraines); no other chemical agent (save LSD) is known to work so well against this scourge (Vollenweider 644). The question follows: if a substance exists which can relieve one of the worst physical pains known to man more effectively than any other chemical synthesized or found in nature, is society obligated to offer this option? This is to say nothing of widespread accounts that describe a unique and lasting effect of psilocybin on mood.
On the latter point, Franz Vollenweider advances the hypothesis of a possible mechanism of action. Nuerophysiologically, the neurotransmitter glutamate is widely thought to regulate neuroplasticity (of which abnormality in contributes heavily to mood disorders). Drugs (such as psilocybin) that alter glutamergic neurotransmission in prefrontal and limbic circuitry lead to nueroplastic adaptations; this may help in explaining the sustained antidepressant effect that psilocybin can induce. Additionally, the finding that this drug also modulates a specific subset of the serotonin receptor (which psychopharmacologists relate to regulation of mood and depression) indicates a key role in reducing stress-related illnesses. Overall, Vollenweider states that psilocybin shows promise in treating a variety of mental and physical illnesses; current treatments have ‘high failure rates’ and cost a lot of money (646-648).
The mental effects of this substance are intertwined with the spiritual context in which many advocates reference it. Doctor RR Griffiths led a staff of four doctors (all affiliated with Johns Hopkins University) who compiled a study in 2008 to assess the level of spirituality and meaning people that associate with a psilocybin experience. Before commencing their study, the doctors compiled evidence which showed that early researchers didn’t understand the magnitude of non-pharmacological variables on its effect, citing contemporary research (which generally provides a supportive setting to take the drug in) as producing more positive results due to this precaution (621-622).
Another recent analysis found that psilocybin aborted cluster headaches (which produce pain trumping that of even the most severe migraines); no other chemical agent (save LSD) is known to work so well against this scourge (Vollenweider 644). The question follows: if a substance exists which can relieve one of the worst physical pains known to man more effectively than any other chemical synthesized or found in nature, is society obligated to offer this option? This is to say nothing of widespread accounts that describe a unique and lasting effect of psilocybin on mood.
On the latter point, Franz Vollenweider advances the hypothesis of a possible mechanism of action. Nuerophysiologically, the neurotransmitter glutamate is widely thought to regulate neuroplasticity (of which abnormality in contributes heavily to mood disorders). Drugs (such as psilocybin) that alter glutamergic neurotransmission in prefrontal and limbic circuitry lead to nueroplastic adaptations; this may help in explaining the sustained antidepressant effect that psilocybin can induce. Additionally, the finding that this drug also modulates a specific subset of the serotonin receptor (which psychopharmacologists relate to regulation of mood and depression) indicates a key role in reducing stress-related illnesses. Overall, Vollenweider states that psilocybin shows promise in treating a variety of mental and physical illnesses; current treatments have ‘high failure rates’ and cost a lot of money (646-648).
The mental effects of this substance are intertwined with the spiritual context in which many advocates reference it. Doctor RR Griffiths led a staff of four doctors (all affiliated with Johns Hopkins University) who compiled a study in 2008 to assess the level of spirituality and meaning people that associate with a psilocybin experience. Before commencing their study, the doctors compiled evidence which showed that early researchers didn’t understand the magnitude of non-pharmacological variables on its effect, citing contemporary research (which generally provides a supportive setting to take the drug in) as producing more positive results due to this precaution (621-622).