Hey everybody. Just popping in to say I’m also going through LTC, however mine was not caused by MDMA, rather it was caused by “acid” blotter laced with some sort of stimulant (not pure LSD). I’ve had all the exact same symptoms as you guys, however.
I’m on month 5/6ish right now and I empathize with everyone here. What a nightmare this is. When i took the acid, i got 2 huge brain zaps which was immediately followed by the biggest and worst panic attack of my life. I would’ve called 911 if my friends weren’t with me, and I’ve had panic attacks before but this was awful. The first month is when i realized something was wrong. I couldn’t sleep because my body would jerk itself awake when i dozed off, then it would keep doing this for 3-4 hours every night... the anxiety was nonstop and could be about literally anything. The DP/DR was unreal and frightening at first.
month 2 was the nightmare month for me. I realized something was wrong and thought i got some permanent brain damage like most of you thought in the beginning as well. Panic attacks almost daily ensued. Peak anxiety levels. Poor sleep, i would wake up to a panic attack at night. My cortisol levels must have been through the roof. I found i could barely do anything but stay in bed all day. I ended up going to the ER after a panic attack that was so bad it actually gave me brain fog which made me think i was getting psychosis or something. It was scary.
month 3 was pretty much more of that, but to a lesser extent. Month 3 is when i accepted what i was going through and began my recovery. I started self-therapy and exercise, i started supplementation with NAC and vitamin B stress relief formulas, I started meditating, the whole 9. I started feeling better but i was still at my worst in terms of anxiety and panic. It was getting much easier to handle panic attacks at this point, and they got less severe.
month 4 is when i felt the most recovered, but i was still very much in it. Anxiety reduced a little but was still there. I was getting occasional DP/DR still but it wasn’t as frightening. I rarely got panic attacks, i think i only got 1 that whole month, and they were so much easier to confront and deal with. I was feeling on top of the world for a moment. That moment went away pretty quick though.
month 5 (current) is... different. My anxiety went away temporarily, but was replaced by depression. HARD depression. I literally felt the emotional numbness settle in one day as i was with my family. It was like a weird headache, then suddenly everything was numb. I dealt with suicidal thoughts for a day or two, but it wasn’t so bad. It was very hard during this time to genuinely feel anything. Luckily, it only lasted a week or two, and now the anxiety is back (also i got covid, hooray.). I can say however after my short depressive period, I’ve noticed now I’m much more bubbly and i can genuinely laugh again. Before, it felt like i couldn’t laugh unless i forced myself too. I felt like I also couldnt cry at all, not even a tear, but now I can cry again. It’s actually very relieving to have those emotions again.
Currently I’m dealing with insomnia. I can sleep 4-5 hours MAX, and then I can no longer sleep. If I force sleep or if Im exhausted and try to nap during the day, i’ll get brain zaps or my body jerks itself awake with a rush of anxiety. Its very weird that I’m getting these sleep issues this late in the LTC, but whatever. I’ve noticed that recovery from this nightmare is cyclical, rather than linear - this is that “2 steps forward, 1 step back” feeling some of you are getting. I’ll feel better about something, but then another issue comes back, albeit not nearly as bad as before. My anxiety came back and its a bit hard to manage alongside covid and insomnia, so this is a really rough period i’m currently in. I need support now more than ever and I cant even see anyone because Im quarantined. Just my luck.
anyway, I envy those who are now fully recovered... i understand they went thru all this and they worked hard to get to where they are now, but this REALLY sucks. I wish so bad i could go back and not take any drugs. Some lessons gotta be learned the hard way though, I guess. 6 more months to go and hopefully I’ll be next in queue for full recovery. Godspeed everyone.
quick question: how did you guys cope with the insomnia? Melatonin isn’t helping me anymore. My body absolutely fights sleep now, it’s the worst feeling ever. I would rather deal with the panic attacks again - at least during that period, i could sleep a full 8 hours.
Good luck to all of you. Just a matter of time.
