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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

Hi, I'm looking for help with my LTC and this is my story. I will try to be concise.

I pretty much abused MDMA (almost only crystals) for about 5 months then stopped for a while after my first panic attack. This triggered the start of my anxiety symptoms (ear ringing, chest tightness, palpitations), a slight depression (anhedonia, lack of motivation) and brain fog. My symptoms bordered sometimes to being serious but the situation never really got out of control as I continued to live a mostly functional and normal life. This stupidly made me think to start using MDMA again albeit way less often. Obviosly the symptoms continued to persist especially the slight anxiety and paranoia that pervades most of my days. I say most because there are days where I fell almost "normal".
My lifestyle has always been healthy. I exercise every day and eat a balanced and rich diet.

I'm 4 months sober from the drug now and I also stopped smoking weed because I'm pretty sure it made the anxiety worse (weirdly I felt a spike the following days of smoking not while I was high). Nowadays the brain fog is mostly gone the anxious days are less than they were and I feel more motivated. Still I feel I have ways to go to come back to my old self.

It all started last April 2018 and I did MDMA last time in November 2018.

I first tried 5-htps to help me for at least 6 months but I don't think they did too much. This led me to research forums and reddit so I recently added Bacopa, NAC (acetyl-cystheina), magnesium, fish oil & curcumin.

I also add that I use ketamine sometimes recreationally which has this weird effect of making me feel more relaxed for at least 3- 4 days afterwards.

I wanna start meditation which is something I never did.

I'd love some more help with my journey back
 
Exercise was really helpful, speficially it was cardio in the mornings that helped. Sweating it out for 15-30 minutes helped set the tone for the day. Add a shower and I was basically feeling great within 45 minutes of waking up.

And quitting all drugs was really helpful. Like no alcohol, no caffine, no weed, nothing, nada. Zero things that give me a false sense of accomplishment. Which technically means I should have dropped video games too but instead I just limited it to like 30 min in the mornings which seemed to be enough to make me happy and not so much that it killed my momentum for the day.

And an important mentality change helped me too. At some point I began to desire to "achieve my maximum potential", and that desire was stronger than any fear or anxiety I had. It was stronger than the desire to avoid pain. Basically it became my strongest desire. That desire to be my best is what pushed me to eat healthy, exercise, face fears, learn difficult skills, chase dreams, etc.

Eating healthy was fairly important too.

but listening to myself and finding balance between pushing myself to do difficult things and learning when I can indulge in some guilty pleasures was helpful. Yeah I would exercise regularly, eat well, meditate, etc. But if there was times when I didn't want to do it then I would allow myself to not do it. I would also keep aware of how that would effect me, and most of the time the "relaxation" actually made me feel worse. So over time it became easier and easier to resist the indulgences, as I began to just notice through experience that even though I might want to do it, it wasnt helping me to feel good. And the things I often didnt want to do, like difficult exercise, often made me feel so great.

Those are pretty physical things. As for the mental things I would do, I would challenge negative thoughts and challenge paranoias.

If I had a fear of germs and dirty hands. I would just rinse them off with water and go about things as usual. If the anxiety stuck there I'd just let it stay and question it until it went away. Also I Watched man vs wild with bear grylls lately, and the dude drank water out of elephant shit. so yeah, the human body is actually super resistant to disease, and after seeing just how resistant it was it became clear to me that I was being paranoid or over-reacting.

I would follow that same pattern for other fears. I would identify a fear, walk into a situation that evoked the fear, I would resist doing some kind of safety technique that the anxiety would kind of say "do this and I'll go away" (like if I picked up a cat or dog, wash hands = get anxiety of germs away), and because I resisted the safety behavior the anxiety would rise and rise, and when it would rise I'd just sit with it and question it. Eventually I realized all the things I Was paranoid or afraid of were just paper tigers and imaginary demons.

If you google self-help cognitive behavioral therapy or self-help exposure therapy, what I did was basic thought modification and exposure therapy. I only had to read up on it for like 1 or 2 days before I understood the process. Its actually very simple to understand. It's just challenging to do until you get the hang of it. Once you start though, and see that your fears are just paper tigers, the whole thing gets a lot easier.
 
@gabriel -

Read the LTC thread from the very beginning. Get some pen and paper, write down the good notes each time you read something that really resonates with you.

by the end you should probably have 10-15 very good bullet points and you'll have an idea of what you should be doing to get better.

might take a few hours but its worth it.

also look up earlier on this page, I made a post that explains how I did self-help exposure therapy. That was exposure therapy to heal from panic attacks, the exposure therapy also helped me to deal with agoraphobia and a general lack of desire to go out and do things.

When you have a panic attack, your body subconsciously begins to fear that place. As time goes on, if the panic disorder isnt dealt with, eventually the subconscious fears just about every place. This is felt like a general lack of a desire to go anywhere, which might be mistaken for depression, but IMO its really just a fear of the subconscious of going out to places where it had a panic attack before.
 
Are SSRI's a good treatment for (presumed) MDMA induced damage?

My psychiatrist has suggested a high dose of sertraline. He doesn't think I am necessarily damaged by my past drug use but that even if I was, the sertraline would help what was left of my serotonin system...

I have also heard good things about SSRI's and their help in neurogenesis.

There is not a vast amount on the web about this very specific question

Cheers guys
 
There was this user in the forum called Danny, who was bashing the use of SSRI, due to its serotonin depletion. Here's a quick 10 sec search in google to quote from random research. "Chronic treatment with SSRIs (fluoxetine and paroxetine) resulted in a dramatic further depletion of 5-HT tissue levels in R439H Tph2 KI mice".

However from my observations I've seen people who felt much, much better after starting SSRI(Antoni, hey man!), it looks like moderation is the key here. You shouldn't overdo it. Yet, recalling people stopping at 6 month marks and relapsing with full force and even worse.

I have my eye on a specific SSRI that's MAOis inhibiting, because it's boosting cognition in depressive/anxious individuals, but it comes with its own cons that should be discussed with medical personnel.


p.s
Yeah, the wold forum was looking familiar and nice, but the new forum is not glitchy, which is great. No more mobile use issues.
 
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The old format is familiar, that's why we like it more. Give it a little time, you'll get used to this. We're going to be rolling out additional features as well. The biggest improvement is that we can now improve our SEO so hopefully we can get more visible in Google again soon.
 
The new format is not too bad.Even is more likeable than the old one.

Little update:

1 year and 4 months after starting of my LTC.I feel good at all.No depersonalisation or derealization,no anxiety,no brain fog,no muscle twitches.Ive been starting SSRI about a year ago and will stop it after few months (if everything is alright) My daily mood is good at all and even don’t have memories about LTC.
Guys,just don’t forget it will last with time.Do not panic (I know its hard for new sufferers,but I promise you it will be in your past) ,it won’t kill you!
Enjoy your time and keep the heads up! :)
 
That's fantastic! :) It's great to hear success stories, and important for those who are in the midst of it to see that there is hope.
 
Really awesome to hear man! I remember when you first came in here too, i always thought you had a more positive attitude about the situation and I believe that makes a big difference. Either way so glad to hear your doing better!

-GC
 
I never even abused this shit and it has permanently fucked me. Feeling absolutely lost and pretty much ready for death. I've always been extremely unlucky but this is the final nail in the coffin.
 
UniversalTarget said:
I never even abused this shit and it has permanently fucked me. Feeling absolutely lost and pretty much ready for death. I've always been extremely unlucky but this is the final nail in the coffin.
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Tell us more dude, (usage and timeline), I've heard similar stuff before, but then people having completely different outlook not long after.
 
ZeroLuck said:
Tell us more dude, (usage and timeline), I've heard similar stuff before, but then people having completely different outlook not long after.
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I have probably used it around 5/6 times since december 2017 with the shortest break between rolls being a month. Fairly certain I never went over 250 mg. Probably still "abuse" by some people's standards, but the vast majority of people get away with a lot worse. I feel like a completely downgraded version of myself and it's been coming up on 3 months since I last rolled. Been suffering from extreme DPDR and despair for a long time now. Yeah, I know it's my fault. My entire youth has been thrown away for nothing. I feel ancient, and non human. Like my very consciousness has been polluted. Worse than death. Strongly considering suicide.
 
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Yeah, it's really dark in the beginning. Will take a lot of time and even efforts to come to baseline or even better.

However, be strong and be rational! You should not even think about suicide due to some temporary chemical disbalances!

You've most likely unlocked mental illness, however I've been lurking the internet in the last 2 years about this topic and everyone either is recovered or feeling definitely better than the beginning.

You're only 3 month mark, it will take time and work.

Why suicide before trying heal yourself?

SSRIs (could take few tries of different types)

Superfoods diet and removing any processed foods. (This works wonders for me)

Supplements, curcumin with piperine, magnesium, zinc, b complex, melatonin, NAC

Intensive exercise (could make you feel worse in the first weeks, but much much better after that)

Antiinflammatory lifestyle, (I have this hypothesis that MDMA has caused BBB structure dysfunction and we're suffering from substance sensitivity and brain inflammation)

And for last, you need to have a "warrior mindset" is what I call... It's an attitude that you should never give up and put a fight with your demons, have courage, be greatful .etc this way of thinking is learned by a lot of practice, you can't expect right away, but you can adapt your brain to positive, which will reduce the stress, obsession, anxiety and overall toll over your body.


Also feel free to talk to me if you need to vent, but please... Stop being silly and talking about suicide! That's a permanent mistake because of temporary discomfort!
 
ZeroLuck said:
Yeah, it's really dark in the beginning. Will take a lot of time and even efforts to come to baseline or even better.

However, be strong and be rational! You should not even think about suicide due to some temporary chemical disbalances!

You've most likely unlocked mental illness, however I've been lurking the internet in the last 2 years about this topic and everyone either is recovered or feeling definitely better than the beginning.

You're only 3 month mark, it will take time and work.

Why suicide before trying heal yourself?

SSRIs (could take few tries of different types)

Superfoods diet and removing any processed foods. (This works wonders for me)

Supplements, curcumin with piperine, magnesium, zinc, b complex, melatonin, NAC

Intensive exercise (could make you feel worse in the first weeks, but much much better after that)

Antiinflammatory lifestyle, (I have this hypothesis that MDMA has caused BBB structure dysfunction and we're suffering from substance sensitivity and brain inflammation)

And for last, you need to have a "warrior mindset" is what I call... It's an attitude that you should never give up and put a fight with your demons, have courage, be greatful .etc this way of thinking is learned by a lot of practice, you can't expect right away, but you can adapt your brain to positive, which will reduce the stress, obsession, anxiety and overall toll over your body.


Also feel free to talk to me if you need to vent, but please... Stop being silly and talking about suicide! That's a permanent mistake because of temporary discomfort!
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It's not actually confirmed to be temporary though is it? Most studies seem to suggest permanent irreparable damage. It will force me to lose years from my life to just darkness and pain. Years of not being me. YEARS of not being able to experience any positive emotion. These are meant to be the best years of my life (I'm 20) and just like that my entire early 20's (and probably my ENTIRE 20's and beyond) have gone up in smoke from one mistake. I will best case scenario suffer permanent major cognitive damage and personality change.. What's the point in having a "warrior mindset" if there's nothing to fight for. And it's not just this, I have a shit load of other problems piled on top of that (literally too many to count) and I'm kind of done with it all. I may as well just stop existing if all that lies ahead is sluggish pain.
 
It's temporary for the endless people I've saw recovering myself. Most studies show partial or complete recovery too, even the infamous study with monkeys where they're injected insane amount of mdma 2 times a day show recovery. It's not many years, just 1-2 for most cases, so you'll be 22 when all is almost over. Your brain is young too, so maybe in an year you'll be alright all. Not your entire 20s, that's crazy to assume, I don't recall anyone suffering from that long, maybe just some people with anxiety and obsession disorder unlocked, but not directly due to MDMA. I've been whining all the time about my cognitive decline through the duration of the MDMA, but lately I have days where I can tell for sure that my short-term memory is pretty alright, my creativity is coming back to to be alright and .etc! I've been OK then relapsing, OK and then relapsing many times, but after every relapse I feel more normal than the last one, and I didn't even live healthy, take SRRI's or be pro-active!

You're blowing everything out of perspective in a negative way. I understand why you could think like that, but believe me your problems aren't the issue, your mindset is, you're risking to miss all the happiness you could eventually have in the future with something like suicide. Countless of people don't write in this thread anymore, countless more stopped from the previous versions 1, 2, 3 and .etc... a lot of them wrote recovery stories, a lot of them recovered for less than 2 years!

There's this guy who I've befriended from here, Antoni. He was having one of the most brutal symptoms and remember him telling me that he gave up at some point, but now he is just positive ongoing and normal person. (We've even hanged out in real life). And he took MDMA less than 2 years ago! He was on SSRI's and Benzos, stopped the benzos and left only on SSRI's now!

Please listen to my observations, and don't draw unrealistic negative conclusions, they're just overblown fears you're telling yourself.
 
@uNivErSaL target.

it is confirmed to be temporary. Those studies you are reading about permanent changes are on doses in the rage of 500-1g a day for 7-14 days.

Just think about how high of a dose that was, and the frequency. probably 100x higher than anything you ever did. And even in those studies it was proven inconclusive in later studies and analysis.

Listen to us man, we are the veterans. All of us have been going through this thing for usually about a year on average. Some are in year 2, some are at 6+ months.

have faith man, it's only hell for like 6 months tops. And you are young, so there is a big chance that you will recover completly in 6 or 7 months. I had a friend who went through 3 LTC because he loved MDMA. each one took him 6 months to recover from, like recover completly. He was also very social and had good support networks which I believe helped his recovery.

and nobody here judges you for wanting death. Practically all of us here have been in your shoes. Fearing its brain damage, thinking we are fucked for life and it's better to just die. That shit went on for months for me (I also have a history of depression so maybe thats to blame too).

Anyways it's a temporary thing. so if you face anxiety or depression it doesn't mean you are going to have life long issues with those things. When you beat the episode it remains an episode. It's a longggg fucking temporary thing but hey, most of us here are going to live to be 85+. one year isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

and think about it, you could go on to do amazing things in the remaining 60 that you have. crying over one lost year is bullshit. g. i. joe the fuck up and handle it man. It's only a few more months in hell then you'll be feeling tons better, like light years of progress are made in the first 6 months. and a great deal of people recover in the 6-10 month range. and if you dont recover then, there is also a window in the 10-15 month range where it becomes likely you'll recover.

Just let time do its thing and practice good health things like exercise and eating well. Avoid all or nothing/extreme thinking and wait it out. It will pass!
 
@ZeroLuck, replying to your question from early March it has affected my mood massively. I'm virtually rock bottom and super depressed. I think about death every day it all seems pointless. Not so much suicide but the way I feel some days it feels like I will just drop dead anyway. @UniversalTarget I'm in the same boat as you, it's stolen my soul. I feel like an empty shell that is just existing my life is horrendous, basically ruined. I can't do anything I used to enjoy, so the cycle of depression just gets worse. I drink alcohol to escape then it gets worse again. I have a coffee to after a sleepless night and it gets worse. Powerless to do anything to change it. I'm a bit older than you, 34 now and totally disconnected to everything. You probably have a good chance being young and It's nice to think it will all be over soon. I wouldn't set targets though as it just adds to the disappointment when you hit the 6 month mark, then the year mark etc. Just keep hoping. I'm 16 months btw (zero improvement) so basically permanent.
 
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