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01/03/13. LSDenthusiast. Re: Meditation better than psychedelics?

Meditation is entirely worth it. To briefly give some back info on me. I've never given it up. I've been meditating daily for 8 or 9 years now. Plus other disciplines. But bringing awareness into everyday life is as important as meditation. And eventually your practice will merge into a new way of living. Otherwise if you separate your meditation from the rest of your life, you won't make much progress at all. It's all or nothing.

We have to get two things straight here first. Are you trying to get into non existence, which is when awareness is temporarily absorbed. There is no experience, no visions, no bliss, no awareness. Sometimes referred to as the Self (the capital S not little self) or Nirvikalpa Samadhi in Hinduism.

Or you're interested in exploring the more psychic/occult dimensions. There is an infinite number of experiences to be had through pursuing that. Which are amazing, however in my experience they happen suddenly and when you least expect them. They take you by surprise. Almost as if there is a chink in your armor and they slip right in unnoticed until Bam! There is an intense vision. As intense as psychedelics, if not more. And I've taken large amounts of smoked DMT and ayahuasca when I was younger. I no longer use any psychedelic at the moment and haven't in years.

Also another major Samadhi, is realizing you're the same life in everything. You realize I am Life, all pervasive through all forms. You see and feel yourself in everything. This can also be experienced with eyes opened. Its usually referred to as Savikalpa Samadhi in Hinduism. There is a specific way to steer yourself into all three of these.

What can be used to increase the intensity of meditation? Most people don't want to hear this, but its absolute 100% celibacy. Don't get me wrong, it won't be easy. You will at times struggle with intense desires. But its entirely worth it. If anyone wants to try it, you don't have to commit to it forever. Just say, "Ok, I'll fully commit to celibacy and meditation for 30 days" Meditate everyday. After that you can go back to not being celibate or maybe you'll want to go longer.

Another thing people don't mention often. Meditation combined with other disciplines will greatly speed up your karma. Meaning it will come at you stronger, faster and more at once. This is what gets people to stop meditating or the opposite is they get no benefits or experiences because they never fully committed to it.

Imagine a pot of water. Its relatively warm. Now you add in meditation and disciplines such as celibacy and the heat is turned up greatly. All of a sudden a rolling boil begins and lots of bubbles rise to the surface. That is the karma. This can stem from unresolved subconscious issues internally. Or more externalized Karma. I'm not saying this to scare people off, its just the way it is. If you don't believe me, try it out. Its life challenging you more, because your ready for it. How else are you going to grow and become more aware.

If you're interested, Hatha yoga is great for helping with being celibate. You will have a lot more physical energy. You need to exercise and/or do something to help transmute this excess. Most people knock Hatha yoga, because its so simple. But observe how you feel first, do them and observe how you feel afterwards. You'll be surprised. It doesn't need to take long. 15 minutes is fine. Try doing these poses, then afterwards sit down and meditate for however long you want. I highly recommend this link that has a series of hatha yoga with the best positions designed to ready the nervous system for meditation. I don't bother with the visualizations, I just deep breathe and relax. But if you want to do the them, go for it

http://ebooks.gutenberg.us/himalayanacademy/sacredhinduliterature/lws/lws_rs-01hy.html



...ha I'm surprised you remember me. Yeah I had a great time as a monk. Was living at the monastery for about 3 years. I went into it thinking I was going to stay for life, but my perspective changed with experience. I left mostly because I didn't have the enthusiasm for the culture as much as I had for the inner practices.
I realized being a hindu monk also involved being able to identify fully with the culture and to really feel 100% about every aspect of it. I don't feel as though I'm a part of any specific religious culture. I tend to agree with Mckenna about culture not being your friend. Still some of the best years of my life though.

02/01/12
http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/15749123#15749123
Date: 12/30/13

Exchange w/ Shroomery member ACaterpillar

Asked via PM if he ever ended up attending dhamma.org's free 10-day meditation retreat. Subject had previously announced on the message board that he had booked a reservation for it.

-Are you referring to the ten day silent meditation retreats?

-Yeah. Subsequent to my PM, I saw a post of yours where you said you did it. However, you didn't elaborate much. How intense of an experience did it yield?

-I would say it was incredibly intense.
By the end of the retreat I was entering very deep places and having alex grey-esque visions.
Entity contact, "out of body" experiences.
But those things are really just distractions, and if you want to take it as far as possible then you have to not let yourself get carried away by these fanciful things.

The retreat also has had an incredibly lasting effect on me.
My awareness of my self is incredibly heightened now.
My awareness isn't near as developed and penetrating as it was when I finished the retreat; but because of the familiarity I now have with those deeper parts of my consciousness I can return back to them with ease.

I'd recommend it over any psychedelic.


But I also don't think most people gain as much from the retreats as I happened to.


-Wow, all that from 10 days. I'm seriously impressed.

In regard to you having an above-average experience, were raised in an exceedingly pure way in regard to health? i.e. very good diet and good quality water. Because they say that a one who is ravaged with things like fluoride and general poor health is inhibited from higher consciousness stuff. Also, were you vaccinated?


-I was vaccinated and considering that I drink tap water and eat food from American restaurants I would say my body hasn't had the cleanest experience.

I attribute my ability to pull more from the experience because of several things.
One of them being my previous work with psychedelics which I believed helped dissolve certain filters that society conditions us to develop.
Also I think your past lives have a large role to play in your predispotions and current mental circumstance in this life.
Im not a perfect person. Even without the heroin influencing my actions. I have flaws hopefully you can accept that. In fact the only thing I have to offer at this point to anyone is my loyalty,trust, and love both platonic and sexual because I want a best friend and a lover rolled into one. I'm not saying that I think that will happen in a couple days or a week. It's a process to me like building a house. Trust is the foundation. I will be honest about everything even though the thought of barring my soul like that scares me senseless. But I know it wont happen overnight. Given time though why cant it work? We could do something people say is crazy and make it work. Would be a pretty cool story. A redemption tale.

As you get to know me you will find i am humble and quiet but don't mistake those traits for insecurity or doubt that would be a grave mistake. Cause I know exactly where my loyalty and values lay as they have been tested extensively. But I'm not here to compare scars.. Nahh I am looking for a new start. A fresh beginning on this path I chose. Im not scared to take a detour and I don't believe in coincidences.

All it takes is one look at my right arm crook to remind me why I am leaving the past. Then one look at my foot tells me I am indeed moving forward one tiny step at a time. I am so much older and wiser than I was at the start of the journey that I want to say I am now "experienced". But that experience was costly to gain in terms of friendships, trust, and self respect. Many lost much more though some even lost there lives and it easily could have been me dead with them. I have literally done everything I tell green lighters not too. Shared needles never did test shots looked for the edge with a passion that I now find disconcerting. Through it all I had my eyes open so don't accuse me of stupidity or naïveté. I played with fire because I wanted to feel the heat. But I'm ready to give it up. There's no more fun in living rush to rush needle to vien. I have 74 blog entry's detailing my love affair with heroin there will not be a 75th. The rest of my life started this morning. What is beautiful about it is that its not dependent on anyone or anything but me. My fate is in my hands. And I am so fucking tired of being my own worst enemy. The self destruction ends here today. NO FUCKING MORE SELF HATE. I am a good fucking person and I am going to prove it. LSD taught me there are no coincidences so my living is no accident. I am here to help someone or do something. I am going to pursue it with all I got my friends.

I'm done with heroin but don't worry you want see me preaching the 12 steps or spirituality. God,Jesus,Buddha,Allah it doesn't matter they are not coming to save any of us. And that's a gift for real. Cause when I succeed it's not just me succeeding it's my family my friends it's that random guy at the show who gave me water when I was thirsty. It's the knowledge I gained here at bluelight. So many members past and present I can't really name who have left there wisdom on this forum. I can't even count how many times I saved my own life with knowledge gained on here. This teaching was coupled with such a accepting giving community. This place has been my refuge over the years. I'm more honest here than I am with my best friends.
apparently I had deleted a blog in august that I wrote. when I was drunk. either way, here it is in its entirety

NSFW:
drunk dgaf 0 Comments
by subotai , 10-08-2014 at 21:07 (14 Views)
first off, I might have drank a little bit? w/e it's legal so sue me IMO


- my brother is a fucking *RACIST N WORd*


and no, I don't think that is a racist comment because it's not even about skin color, it's a lifestyle. He never brings shit to the table, yet always expects a seat at it. Yeah, that is ok when you are fucking 10 years old but seriously grow the fuck up dude. Buy your own fucking weed. Buy your own fucking alcohol. or just die, seriously you'd solve like a dozen different problems if you just died. All of your friends would rather hang out with me than you but I don't even want to hang out with them. You don't even chill with anyone besides some 18 year old black kids and your hood girlfriend with 3 kids and youre halfway to 27 at this point in time. You have no discernible skills, yet you never seem to shut the fuck up. Newsflash bro, people only appreciate nonstop chatter if you actually know what the fuck you are talking about. you can't even download pirated movies on my computer without fucking up and wasting my blank DVDs. seriously, fucking die, and I don't feel bad for saying that because it's what everyone else is thinking anyway


- customers who are overly enthusiastic towards me at work and surprised when I don't react the same way


yeah, sweet dude, youre getting FUCKED UP tonight on that bottle of Jager. I don't give a fuck. You get to walk into one of 10,000 places to buy liquor for about 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you act like I'm supposed to give a fuck. I have to plan my whole day around just getting heroin, have to be in the exact right spot at the exact right time with the exact right amount of money. You can't even remember to bring your fucking wallet into a liquor store and want to bitch at me for closing at 5pm on Sundays. Maybe if you planned ahead a bit I wouldn't have to slam the door on your face. Yeah, I'm sure youre in a great mood as you buy 15 different bottles of $40 wine and put it all on your credit card then ask me to help you carry it out to your car. I'm sorry, are you recovering from two broken hands? or are you just a douchebag who views the retail industry as your slaves? Some guy got all offended the other day because I said:


me- "how are ya?"
douche- "do you really care?"
me- "that's what I say to everyone actually"
douche- "so you don't care?"
me- "I'm not saying that, that's just what I say to everyone"
douche- "ok well just don't say anything then"
me- "debit or credit?"
douche- "credit"
me- "ok youre gonna have to sign on the bottom of the pad there"
douche-"yeah I know, I'm a big boy, I've done this before"


and at this point I just shut it down completely, say nothing, and stare at him until he leaves the store.


I'm sorry, did you want me to jump across the counter and knock you the fuck out in front of you unattractive wife? If I wasn't so sure that was the real cause of your doucheness, I would gladly fight a man in his mid 40's with nothing better to do than talk shit unprovoked to some kid who does nothing but bag your shit up like a fucking NASCAR pit change


people who are heavier than you think it's all fun and games until they are fucking unconscious, and if I didn't need this job for the next 4 months, I don't know if I would have made it this far


you know what, fuck wine drinkers in general. drink straight liquor like a man or get the fuck out of my face you FUCKING. PUSSY. No, I don't care about which year was better than which, and in 15 years I'm going to be telling people which marijuana strains to smoke instead of what Pinot Grigio tastes like. and all the people who gave a fuck about wine in the first place are going to come in to the weed store and now I'M THE EXPERT. Oh I'm sorry, turns out I really don't give a fuck if you enjoy this or not, give me your money and shut the fuck up.


people think retail is about customer service, which is partly true. but when your retail establishment has no competitors it is about one thing, the money being right. now shut the fuck up and swipe you credit card before I deem you too drunk to make this transaction and require no proof other than me wanting to make your life as miserable as possible


-society's image of the Nazis


seriously, they get no credit for shit when in reality they were one of the most ahead of their time civilizations in history. Yeah, I get it, the Holocaust was bad. Too bad "holocausts" have been happening since the dawn of time. Ask any Native American how they feel about the Jewish Holocaust. they'd be like.....what? Ask any Armenian how they feel about the Jewish Holocaust. Ask any Kurd how they feel about the Jewish Holocaust. get the fuck over it, the only reason it is even as big of a deal as other genocides is because enough rich Jewish people bitched enough to make a museum out of it. and all Israel does is step on Arab nation's toes all the fucking time knowing full well that they'll get away with it. I'm not a Palestinian sympathizer, but damn did they get shit on by society. "hey we know you've been living here for the longest time but now you need to get the fuck out because we feel bad for these whiners and don't want them in our countries anymore so we made a nation for them in the smack middle of a bunch of pissed off Arabs who were forcibly made to accept it as what was going to happen with no say in the matter, all because some bullshit scripture said they might have posted up there for a bit way before anyone can fucking remember"


but yeah, Palestinians, WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO RUDE?


oh yeah, because the very existence of Israel is bullshit to begin with and it's not hard to see how the rich take care of the rich. now fucking cry about it as we bulldoze your shitty mud house with our American supplied tanks. now let's all act so fucking outraged and surprised when Arabs go and fly a plane into the physical representation of American arrogance (9/11 if that went over your head and into the 78th floor) and it only cost you like 20 thousand dollars for some flying lessons and a small apartment for a few months. You brought this "War On Terror" on yourselves Muslims, now cower in fear as we launch UAV drones worth billions of dollars to blow up a shack worth 15 cents somewhere in Northwest Pakistan and kill 29 children but miss the intended "terrorist" anyway because he's actually in a cave somewhere or better yet, down the street from a fucking Pakistani Intelligence HQ. Yeah, that'll fucking show em who's boss


news flash fuckheads, George Washington was a "terrorist" in his day. and he's only on every fucking $1 bill and quarter in existence.


it's kind of funny to read that in hindsight. Im not an angry drunk either, I just like to play the villain I guess. Im not a drunk at all actually, i just happened to be working at a liquor store and would take the mini bottles put on necks of actual bottles to try new shit.

I'll turn down an offer to donate to charity and not even feel bad about it. and they always pull that shit at the cash register when you're staring at a total of over 50 dollars it seems.

"hey, want to donate a dollar to some *issue of the month* charity?"

uh, no I dont, actually. if I did, I would have stopped at the fucking pity party aisle and picked up a huge bag of fucks to give about your bullshit charity.

"well it's only a dollar"

ok, well 0 divided by 1 is still 0 and that's still the amount of fucks I give. so you do the math. It's not that I don't want charities to do their thing, I just dont want to be guilted into doing anything. my life fucking sucks enough, I dont have any emotion left for "less fortunate"

"oh you just have to be more cognizant of other people's hardships"

fuck that, I just used the word cognizant in a sentence you dont have the right to tell me to do anything you slut. I'll feel bad for people when people leave me the fuck alone. what a perpetual cop out. love it.

and I hate christmas. HATE IT. I dont want to interact with you 364 days of the year, some wrongly dated biblical bullshit wont make that any different. they didnt even use the same calendar we used now in jesus' time, highly doubt the 25th means anything

and while were at it, I hate the apostrophe after a word that ends in "s" thing. just looks stupid, should have been avoided by whoever thought of this shit

All I want to do is get high on heroin and watch sports on tv. mainly so I can be a total hipster when the 76ers become relevant again. see people on the street and be like "hey you remember Jarvis Varnado" and theyll be like wtf and ill be like "YEAH THATS RIGHT. you foam fingered FUCK. you dont deserve season tickets because you drive a 2015 Toyota BANDWAGON"

but Im not gonna say any of that because I dont really care, I just like to hear myself spit venom about stuff because the bottom line is the things I like to do (drugs, avoid doing things, talking shit on charities) are highly frowned upon by society so fuck it, ill highly frown right back. Ill frown even higher, I got nothing better to do. whatever the fuck that means anyway, pretty sure you frown at a horizontal angle perpindicular to the end of this blog.
This is just a little poem I wrote about a year ago whilst on MXE. This was the first draft so it's not perfect, I can't find the edit anywhere. Hope you enjoy it :)


Waking up from a sleepy haze
The start of a brand new day
No day is ever the same
Sometimes filled with laughter
Sometimes filled with shame

Chemical thoughts race through me
Swaying me back and forth
Letting the thoughts be

Controlling my own reality
I use my own biology
And the knowledge of my mind
with tools I have come to find
Creating a consciousness
That is not blind
But abstract
Keeping this little mind on track

The control is addictive
The idea of it,
Attractive

Thick ice sliding down my throat
Now I feel like a boat a float
Riding the waves of the sea
Just letting the world be

Life is a fairground
A rollercoaster to most
But I wont line up at the same post
I see the bigger picture
I try the other rides
In search of new things
A new perception
Of the things that I have known
Gaining the knowledge
These chemicals have shown

The beauty
The reality
The lack of community
The wonders that can be
If we could only
Set our minds free
Legally
Chemically
free
I used to have a terrible attitude and sometimes still do. I felt like I wasn't dealt a fair hand for most my life.

I have been through some things no one should have to. But still those experiences made me the man I am today.

I was a jerk for a long time and it got to the point where people called me on my shit. I've lost friends and relationships with irreparable damage.

Tine doesn't heal all wounds, so it is what it is. I was speaking to a friend trying to tell him he had to accept some things as they were as that is the only way I can make peace with some things.

I change what I can and sometimes I fail because the change was not meant to happen but evert once in a while there is a significant reward for mending things.

I was at a point where I felt a need for redemption for soome things. I did some volunteer work, made some apologies, and let some people know I had no quarrels with them. It helped.

Good things happen with time and sometimes I have to step back and take a realistic look at how things were. I realized I couldn't be mad over things in life that just are not fair or just can't be changed.

Most of wisdom comes at a price. If I learn from my mistakes I can't regret them. I can't carrt a grudge as it is more weight than I can carry.

As far as forgiveness it is easier to forgive in your heart than in person. Sometimes people live so wrong it is best to just stay away despite what you think of them.

For me that is difficult with women I have feelings for but can't see because I can't afford their problems in my life. I can't let anyone's problems become my own. I am not talking about helping someone fix their car.... I will lend someone a hand if I have time especially if they would do it for me.

I see a clear line between a user and abuser when it comes to having fun in that way. I have to avoid people with that one track mind even if they mean well.

My friend gave me some advice years ago and I remember exactly wgat he said: There are good times and there are bad times, sometimes the bad times seem longer ir unbearable but its up to you basically to get through, the goid times make life worth living and they do last longer, they are just easier to take for granted"

I find a true friend to be worth more than all aquaintances combined. Sure you might know alot if people you may call friends but when shit gets real you will find out fast if you don't already know who is a true friend.

I say fuck living in denial, blaminf others for your problems as an adult, and fuck regretting your past mistakes.

Sometimes the only way you learn is the hard way and that a bitter pill to swallow. As much as I wish things were different sometimes I have to realize something similar would have happened if I had not learned.

All in all I find I find seeing things fir what they are and moving forward to be the best and only sensible way to live.

I still think you should go for what you want in life ir fuck up trying and then try again until you get it right. Life is too short to dwell. The only regret you can honestly have is never trying and its never too late to at least make the best of your situation.
I recently received an email from a woman whose son, Matt, passed away too early from a heroin overdose. You may have read her blog before, http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com.

As personal as it is, her story is one that can sadly be repeated all over the country. Every day people die from heroin and painkiller abuse. Despite that, everyday new people decide to experiment with the drug as well. There is no doubt that each and every one of you is affected by opiate abuse in someway. You may not know your friend or family member is addicted, but chances are there is someone close to you in your life who is.

Before anything serious can be done to combat this issue, we as a country have to recognize the magnitude of the problem. The problem is most people are ashamed and embarrassed of their or their loved one's addiction. So they stay in the shadows and don't talk about it in order to save face with their neighbors and communities. But Matt's mom is taking a very admirable and proactive approach to this often dark and secretive issue by trying to fund a film that will bring heroin addiction to the forefront of our minds. You can view the trailer and campaign video below.

[video]https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1928235665/written-off-the-short-sad-beautiful-life-of-matt-e[/video]​

If this is an issue that is important to you, if human liberty and respect for all people is important to you, join Matt's mom by donating whatever you can to get this film off the ground. They only have 21 days to raise the money. Every little bit helps, so no donation is too small.

I'd like to thank Matt's mom for bringing this to my attention. I hope this blog post helps her raise the money she needs, and that this film will go on to help everybody who is struggling with an opiate addiction.
my creations:

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so did you like my creative use of the strike bb-code?
"I have become death, the destroyer of worlds"

Robert Oppenheimer, re his role is the development of the nuclear bomb

So, why is this post here? Because, on retrospect of my posts, I realize that many of them are HR, cautioning others not to go down the roads I did. Am I DARE (American Anti-drug crap heaped on school kids in the 90s-2000s)? No, but I am here to say that many of the things said are true... while so much is shit. Are drugs great? YES!! They feel AWESOME! Are there consequences? YES!! They are SHITTY!! Should this thread be moved? Probably.

You want the truth, as I see it. There is NOT ONE person I know who regrets trying drugs. NOT ONE. Regardless of how long it took to be addicted, how much they spent, what they lost, there is not one honest person who would knowingly lead you down a path of [whatever]. So if we come across as your parents or guidance councellor here, it's not because we read about this shit in a book. WE HAVE LIVED IT. WE ***KNOW***!!!. I write this in the hopes that one misguided soul out there will NOT go down the path I did, like so many BL's did. We REALLY dont want to see you fuck your lives up like we did. We know what you are looking for; it's not in drugs. It doesnt matter what you need or are looking for, it's not in this false utopia.

Think life sucks? Try it when 3/4ths of your income and an equivalent amount of time goes into using/buying drugs

Think life is hard? Try kicking and NO ONE gives a shit about you.

Think life is unfair? YOU"RE RIGHT!! Drugs wont level the playground.

I've spent the last 25 years of my life looking for the answer, and it aint here [in drugs]. Whether you are a noob with your first SWIM post asking things a thousand of us have seen before, or the most prolific poster or mod (ty for your work here on BL), you WILL ***NOT*** find what you are looking for in drugs. And that is the best HR I can offer.
i need to wash m hair

all my muscles are sore

my back hurts

i don't wanna wash my hair

8):?:|
Just some shit Ive been working on.... hope you enjoy... please feel free to add your own work and please please please feel free to critique!!!/Users/YoungJeezy/Desktop/untitled folder 2/Untitled-1.jpg
Just some shit Ive been working on.... hope you enjoy... please feel free to add your own work and please please please feel free to critique!!!file://localhost/Users/YoungJeezy/Desktop/untitled%20folder%202/Untitled-1.jpgfile://localhost/Users/YoungJeezy/Desktop/untitled%20folder%202/willhustle1.jpgfile://localhost/Users/YoungJeezy/Desktop/untitled%20folder%202/dads_xmas.jpg
NSFW:
[video=youtube_share;OLsCuLBgBSw]http://youtu.be/OLsCuLBgBSw[/video]
I started yesterday as I do most days grabbing for my phone as my first link to the cold world outside my blankets. I checked my texts then logged onto facebook. What I saw made me blink twice and wonder for a second if I was understanding what I read correctly or someone was spreading rumors again. But as I scrolled down the page it became apparent that the worst was true. Dead at 25. Reading the condolences on your wall it becomes apparent to me from the responses that something socially unacceptable was the cause of your demise. I cant say I was really surprised after all you where the first person I ever knew who went to rehab. Yeah 8th grade and you where already fighting your demons. Sad in retrospect but at the time I thought you where the hottest girl in the school. I day dreamed that you would invite me to get high or need my help in some way. That never happened and time and life moved on. You changed schools and I found drugs but I never forgot about you. I was intrigued when you friended me on facebook last year. I wondered how you even remembered me. I saw the pictures of your husband and little girl and felt relief that it looked like you had a normal life. I am sorry to say that we never messaged, or that I didn't run into you at courtyard one drunken night. but it wasn't meant to be. I am sorry to say that I wont be posting this on your fb wall or be at your funeral tomorrow. I am not much of a grief tourist who claims every dead person who I didn't have the time for in life was a friend in death. But wherever you are out there in the cosmos just know that you had a small impact on my life. That I grieve for your little girl who just lost her mother. And that a wonder why you are gone but I am still here.
Well, I finally got to have a very minor relapse yesterday.. The $ I was counting on did not come thru. However, by a stroke of miracle, I managed to acquire $20. Not what I was expecting, but enough to acquire a very small amount of dope & pay for bus fare. And I even managed to hit on the first try without having to be in a shower.

It was quite nice. I got to get high and spend the afternoon with my good (only) friends and all the other junkies I hadn't seen in a while. I brought over The Simpsons movie and later helped them move a 'fridge and some other things for scrap recovery since it was 71 degrees outside in December. It was a most beautiful day. And they read me a letter from my wife (who's in county) they had too. Then I got home, my dad decided to make a huge dinner.

Probably the best day I've had in months. Now it's back to no drugs,job,money, and friends again. I would kill (figuratively) for a decent job right now.
It's an oxycodone kinda night...ahhhhhh.
Hey Jamal it's me dwe hey dawg your remember that one time you wanted to tag team a white girl? I dew.

It was 8 years ago to this day you were so hot. I called my white girl friend up to come over we have cocaine. She did.

We snorted line after line,drank shot after shot . Next thing I know she's unzipping my pants and I look at Jamal and he nods and says "it's okay I'll hold your hand" she slobbed on my knob like corn on the cob and I cam in her mouth and i told her to spit it in Jamal's mouth and she did and they made out with my cum.

Then he took out his bbc and made her bleed i yelled "Jamal stop she can't take you,just take me" with her crying in the corner, he pounded me in my ass like I was female bunny and I smiled and he laughed

We are more turtle balls and snorted more coke
something will always go wrong. something will always go better than expected. sometimes you'll be underprepared. the beauty of the world is the imperfection of everything in it.






the present moment is ever-changing. and the present moment is where we will always live.
Well, I'm back again. I seem to frequent the site only when I'm kicking dope. I guess if I can't do my drugs, I might as well talk about them.

I actually had almost 2 years of no illicit drug use, however I was on methadone so I wasn't really "clean". But, in that time I kept a full time job and stayed out of trouble.

Then 8 months ago, I got laid off as the casino I worked for closed. Right after this, my wife and I seperated. And 2 months later she moved to California. During this time, I had unemployment and still managed to pay my clinic bill. After my unemployment ended, I could no longer afford methadone and was "detoxed" off at 5mg/day. Also, my adderall doc decided that he was no longer writing scripts for adderall anymore, so I lost both of meds at the same time. Plus, I lost my extra income I made selling 1/2 my script each month. I had intended to use that money to pay for my methadone, else I would have done a proper detox.

So, w/o my meds, ofcourse I got way sick and started using. About a week into this, a good friend of my wife and I, was killed after a car ran him over. I told my wife this, and she immediately came home for services and all. And ofcourse, my wife just assumed I'd take her back since she knows I'm a pushover and love her. (We had a similar breakup-seperate-makeup 4 years ago)

Fast forward to today. My wife is in county after turning herself in on an old VOP charge. I'm sitting in my parents house, alone every day in my childhood room (I'm 33!) having been kicking dope/methadone the last 3 weeks. No job, no plans, no desire to keep going, depressed, going insane.

And BTW: It sucks that they can just kick you off methadone that quick. As much as it sucks, it kept me grounded and sane.

/rant
Moved to the city over a month ago. I love this town in summer, totally get why its such a popular tourist destination.

Enjoying living so close to work, there's something really comforting about this location. Love having the space to myself also, surprisingly I'm not lonely albeit living with D helps.

Still talking to A, I am not sure I'm ready to let him go completely, I just don't want to. I love him but completely doubt whether he reciprocates my feelings. I suppose this was always one of my main concerns and one of the main reasons we broke up.

For now, I keep moving forward, no point in looking back.
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