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Saw a very good friend over a month ago who I used with for years outta the blue, he looked great, got help, kicked without any Subs, Dones, Lope, ectectect.. Fucking made tears fall, I was SO goddamn happy. Well, I saw him a few days ago when he came over.. Soon as I looked at him I knew, I gazed at him with my head slightly sideways just to verify. He said "What's up?" so I said "You're opiated, when did that happen?" then him and his girl proceeded to nod the fuck out very hard at my crib, couldn't understand anything he was trying to say, it was ugly.. He was doing SO well, now he's falling back down which hurts.. He told me how easy it was to cop in San Antonio, which he was just mentioning as we tried talking. Knowing him the way I do, that means he was getting high up there. Hurts, man.. I don't judge, you broj's know me, we all know the struggle, but I know if he keeps going, I'm going to have to go to a funeral.. hgfghfgjkhgjkhkljhkjhkjhjkhlkjhkj FUCK MAN.

I know I'm dying. Just trying to come to terms with it and stop being so sad. I'm still young but I know I won't be around too much longer and there's nothing I can Do.

Benzodiazepine/Dextroamphetamine/Cannabis fueled first blog entry.

Haha, been keeping it real so to speak in life, fighting the urges to get high, but failing eveytime. Haha, I just looked at the clock and it's 4:20am right now, been up all night thanks to the substances. Op 4:21 now the fun's over haha. Withdraws are starting to set in. Hoping to get through them with lots of pot (obviously), and maybe some imodium (doubt ill be able to scrape up any money for the lope but oh well).

I have no idea who's reading this but much love to yall :D%)

harmacologist said:

say no to bad feelings
lost the good ones too
say hello to no feelings
lost the good ones too

Click to expand...

I miss being... when did I become what I am? Why did I become what I am? Did I realize I was becoming what I am? Did I try to fight becoming what I am? Did I want to be what I am? Do I stay what I am? How did I become what I am? What am I? Am I becoming what I am? I am what I can't be. I am what I don't need to be. Who am I? Why am I? Am I being?

midazolam(one of my favorites since can easely dissolve in water, i will throw in a guide or something in the nearest future on how to extraxt pure midazolam so it can be snorted/IV'et/PLUGGED eaten and what not...

before to long.. but i need some sleep now, if i can :=O

### GUIDE FOR MIDAZOLAM WATER EXTRAXT ###
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*** INFO ON EFFECTS ***
It possesses profoundly potent anxiolytic, amnestic, hypnotic, anticonvulsant, skeletal muscle relaxant, and sedative properties.

The drug has recently been hastily introduced for use in executions by lethal injection in the USA in combination with other drugs

*** THE TABLET USED IN THIS GUIDE(BUT ALL MIDAZOLAM WILL WORK WITH IT) ***

Dormicum brand midazolam is marketed by Roche as white, oval, 7.5-mg tablets in boxes of two or three blister strips of 10 tablets, and as blue, oval, 15-mg tablets in boxes of two (Dormonid 3x) blister strips of 10 tablets. The tablets are imprinted with "Roche" on one side and the dose of the tablet on the other side

doing a test extract take 10x your tablet and grind em to really fine powder then disolve it in the least amount of water posible and then let the solution run tru a filter(coffee will work fine) and then take the liquied and place on a plate
then just let the water evaporate and voila the leftover if pure midazolam around 10x ~mg amount of your tablet.

etc i used 15mg tablet the end solution was ~150mg midazolam and PLEASE take it slow a tiny line will send you dreaming!
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happy benzo'ing and keep it safe

Started with a few benzo's and weed, followed by my dayly methadone, and when i visited a friend i smoked a little more and took ~250mg amphetamine(iv) ive took a few more benzo's and smoked a joint with nice black tar hash

now im buzzing a bit could use some more benzo's but ill wait till im gonna go chillling before ill go to sleep im not that lucky i have to many inly a few back,,,

ohhh why dont you never have enough drugs hehe

later ill take a little of the following:
+2-3mg alprazolam
+1-2mg clonazepam
+10-20mg zolpidem
+0.5-1.5g hashish

stung by a bee, under my left wrist, between my glove and me, it flew in.
I was building a fence at Camp Atterbury.

Goodbye for the last time Mr.I. It is now a week and I will not be looking back. As much as I love you and as much as this hurts, finally I see that what we had just isn't enough.

I fucking hate that everything you put me through was for nothing. I hate what you have done. Some people may call this a life lesson, whatever. Self rationalisation bullshit. This was all in vein. Yet another blow, more pain, additional heartache.

Thanks. I wish I could wish you a nice life but I honestly don't feel that. I hate you and hate myself for still loving you after all the shit you put me through. So fuck you and best wishes.

Hi, my name is: you can call me Tina

Never in my life have I been: sane

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my brother

High school was: didn't go. I was home schooled.

When I'm nervous: I need Klonopin.

The last time I cried was: yesterday.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: I wouldn't have one, that would make the other bridesmaids feel left out.

My hair is: dark brown roots, bleached ends

When I was 10: was when I started getting really depressed.

Last Christmas: I was with my family high as fuck on meth. they had no idea.

I should be: sleeping

When I look down I see: a jumble of letters and numbers

The happiest recent event was: seeing Underworld live!!!!!

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Never watched it enough to know

By this time next year: I hope i am still alive.

My current gripe is: no money. and i have all this shit i could sell on Craigslist, but Craig is being an asshole.

I have a hard time understanding: people who lack empathy.

There's this girl I know that: was born in Transylvania on Halloween! how cool is that??

You know I like you when: I talk or spend time with you with no drugs involved.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my mom.

Take my advice: don't overestimate your own intelligence.

Something that I really want to buy is: a ticket to Ultra in Miami next year.

If you visited the place I was born: you would think it just another generic suburb.

I plan to visit: northern Cali eventually

If you spend the night at my house: you'll have to sleep on the floor and a cat may pee on you in your sleep.

I'd stop my wedding if: i have no idea

The world could do without: religion

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: work

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A Four Loko

Most recent thing someone else bought me: food

My favorite blonde is: Eminem, except i don't think he bleaches his hair anymore. lol.

My favorite brunette is: my 3 best friends are all brunettes, so any one of them. And then there is deadmau5 who's a brunette

My favorite redhead is: I don't think i know any redheads.

My middle name is: let's say it's Crystal

This morning I: i ate 3 Klonopins, did 50 sit ups and went on a walk.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: cows and pigs

Once, at a bar: i got in a fistfight with a guy who grabbed my ass.

Last night I was: asleep i believe.

There's this guy I know who: who defies the tweaker stereotype and is very fat even while doing meth regularly for over 15 years.

I don't know: Joel Zimmerman's middle name.

A better name for me would be: Spastic Tweaker Bitch

Tomorrow I am: going to a Halloween rave and roll for the first time in months!

Tonight I am: online

My birthday is: ugh.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: for my bf at the time to take me out to eat.

I can sing: all the words to Underworld's 'Born Slippy' (totally off key)

I like a guy named: Joel.

My best friend's name: I have at least 3 and I'm not giving their names.

I think back to that night and think about how different my life would be if that overdose would have scared me bad enough to never touch the Shit again. But it didn't. I've overdosed many times but for some reason thinking back to that night overdosed laying on my floor syringe in hand "junkhead" by Alice in chains blasting in my ear.. I some how crawled to my bed and watched the world fade away

Our Amoral God hath no mercy..

Off the back of a long winded conversation, you say that you're not sure about wanting to get back but that your feelings could be off the back of what I had said re my inability to trust you (given our past). That was the last straw for me.

We are done. No, we cannot be friends. No, no more toing and froing. It is done.

I'm sad.

For some reason I have all my shit together when I'm using I have a house (that I pretty much never leave) money gettin along with family and friends and am just a better person more responsible. And then when I get off smack I cry all the time super depressed I'm drunk all the time don't have a place to stay fighting with everyone no money cause I lose my inspiration to make it and just spend it on booze anyway. I'm not me when I'm not high and that's really fucked up and sad.

Here is a hypnotic music vid that is relevant to my taste of noise. I enjoy displacing oneself from mind and dimensional plane. This video can take me there without a loaded sorcerer's wand. FV<|< this reality.

[video=youtube_share;VtSL2cJ7_WM]http://youtu.be/VtSL2cJ7_WM[/video]

The drizzle had soaked through my clothes. My Navy peacoat, though wet, kept me halfway warm. I was proud of this coat. It's an expensive designer coat with crisp lines that cut a good silhouette. I had recently found it on the sidewalk near a stew bum who appeared to have just died on the first cold night of the year. When I found it, I briefly wondered about bedbugs and body lice, but so far I've been lucky and shrugged off that fear. I stood under an archway with a goblin sitting above the keystone. It led into my street which led into a part of the city whose medieval character was still somewhat intact. I buttoned the coat. The paving stones of the twisty street glistened with the reflected lights of numerous little shops and cramped artisans' stalls that hadn't yet closed. The street is usually crowded with pedestrians, but this cold night, it was nearly deserted. I went through a gate in a high wall that opened into a narrow covered passage which opened into a dark silent courtyard. I stared up at the front of the ancient tenement. All of the windows were dark. I climbed the 7 flights of stairs that lead to my cold garret room in the Latin Quarter in Paris.

That was last night. Next, I quaffed 500 mL white grapefruit juice (inhibitor of the liver enwyme CYP2D6 which is responisble for a dead-end metabolic pathway for certain opiates), waited an hour for what I hoped would be a strong potentiating effect, and ate 2 boxes of ethylmorphine totaling about 580 mg. Within a half hour, I felt very sleepy and warm. I couldn't keep my eyes open. The warm feeling spread up and outwards from inside my gut, and life in this sad and twisted world was starting to look better. I lay down on the canapé.

I soon found myself in a dream body which was hovering above a river flowing thourgh a city in the night. I felt like I was physically there. I seemed to be fully conscious, felt as though I were in a body that could sense the surrounds and had a physical sensation of cold breeze. The buildings of the city were lit up with millions of tiny lights. On both banks of the river, palaces, towers, colonnades, domed buildings, cupolas, rooftop gardens, fountains, monuments, and then nondescript buildings extended to both horizons. The sky was cloudy. In the middle of the river was an island. On the island was a temple made of white stone of impossibly large proportions. The roof was 1000s of feet high. The ornately carved pediment was supported by columns that were frozen gods or demigods whose bodies were translucent crystal. They glowed with an inner light and radiated awareness. A parallel I can think of is the glow of the stained glass windows of a dark church or tomb on a bright day. The capitals of the columns ended in crowns of flowers like lotus or poppies. The petals extended and spread along the to the udnerside of the pediment. I floated under but close to the carved in relief architrave. I scrutiniwed the interior as I floated deeper inside. All surfaces were ornately carved or painted. Floral themes were common. Giant carvings and paintings depicted mythological events of an alien civilization. After what seemed like a few minutes, it was gone.

Next, I found myslef looking in a direction that's impossible to describe. Looking behind my eyes, through the back of my head, and at an angle slightly to the right and up is the impression I first had. I was looking through a kind of opening into a room whose proportions and angles made me queasy if I looked at any particular detail too long. I focused my attention into the room, avoiding the dizzy sickening details of the geometry as much as possible. As I watched this place, it came into focus. At first everything was murky and hard to see, but as I concentrated, this space became clear and bright and in focus.

Soon, I found myslef looking at a crowd of Aliens. Their bodies, heads, limbs, were all geometric primitives but with a strange non-Euclidean twist. I'm not going to describe it, but it was along the lines of Escher drawings in that it looked real but is impossible within the physical limitations of our world. The colors of the creatures were pastels. They had ovaloid/lozenge-shaped white faces. They had no features. there were no eyes, no ears, no nose, no mouse. Just perfectly smooth and unblemished white rhomboid faces that seemed hard like porcelain. The bodies were triangles, apex down, of pure light blue. Their limbs were also strange geometric shapes. They had more than 2 arms and 2 legs ( if they were actually that ), but I could never see them all at once to count. They didn't have anything like hands or feet, but at least some of their limbs ended in something that could grab or squeeze or manipulate things.

They were walking around on their strange limbs. Their movements were very subtle, fast, smooth and hard to catch. I will try ot do some sketches and digital renderings in photoshop and Blender later. They remeinded me of sentient crabs that walked upright and were vaguely human shaped with repeated features like paper dolls.

Eventually I became aware of the murmuring of dozens of voices. The words were generally indistinct. the few phrases and sentences I caught weren't in any language I recogniwed or that any human was capable of uttering. I watched and listened for more than an hour. I heard the nearby cathedral clock strike midnight, and I was watching them moving aournd and doing strange things. Then it struck one am and I was still watching. The scene shifted. I was watching them in other areas -- strange landscapes and buildings that seemed to have more than 3 spatial dimensions -- i moved around their world. I tried to ignore the geometric distortions that always made me sick to my stomach if I looked too long. I remember wondering where the opening was. Eventually I went to sleep.

After viewing a few BL users' profile at the left side of the screen, I had noticed that some had blog entries. So, I've decided to start my own very first blog, a literary device, as another platform of expression, aside from visual art. I will not spare you the introductory subtleties, so hear me out: I am a disillusioned sociopath with an anomalistic psychological profile that is extremely volatile, perpetuated by my personal history as well as the present-day. I mostly participate in the Lounge aspect of Bluelight as a coping mechanism for me to deal with this arbitrary existence. The only things keeping me from vehemently unleashing my vitriolic fervor for civilization upon mankind are entheogens and participating in the somewhat unfiltered Lounge to pacify these thoughts, even by expressing them...or engaging in other abstract discussions. I occasionally post in Second Opinion and SLR to exchange productive or insightful ideals with other members. I rarely post in CE&P to discuss sociopolitical issues. I would like to do so more in depth with CE&P but I am usually on BL mobile, so typing so much is a hassle.
I'm all about psyches and entheogens. I love hallucinating. *Psychonautic* I will seldom be in those corresponding threads. I am infatuated by facets of anarchoprimitivism and astrophysics. Other interests of mine can be viewed on my profile. Well, that about sums up myself in a nutshell. My next blogs - I will try to make more entertaining.

Day 3 without shooting up this is so hard especially when I get really stressed out I just wanna shoot. I wish I never would have started doing this shit again. I'm not strong enough at this point to stop doing heroin but I feel that stopping shooting up Is at least a start on getting well again..

Sober as shit and it's nearly 8pm.

Last night was completely fucked. Couldn't sleep, hot, cold, restless. I somehow managed to get through work today but no motivation despite everything that is going on atm.

Tomorrow I have a champagne breakfast thing with the team. Sticking to one glass, maybe 2 max. My fucking kidneys still hurt like hell. Flying to Melb on the 1st after spending NYE with A - should be fun, trying to maintain some level of sobriety will be a challenge though.

Can't wait for the holiday period to be over.

Having the worst fucking withdrawls atm. My kidney and ovaries fkn hurt. I'm really sweaty and just can't get comfortable. Not even going to discuss the anxiety levels today - off the fucking chart. Had some St.Johns wort earlier but it's not doing shit.

Kept busy today though. Worked, gym, shopping, chatted with D. But now I'm in my room and my whole body aches. I keep wanting to take a xanax to at least stave off the pain but the I am only replacing one drug for another. No point.

I need to grow a set and just make it through tonight, the first night is always the hardest.

If there's empty spaces in your heart,

They'll make you think it's wrong

Like having empty spaces

means you never can be strong

But I've learnt that all these spaces

Means there's room enough to grow

And the people that once filled them

Were always meant to be let go

And all these empty spaces

Create some strange sort of pull

That attract so many people

You wouldnt meet if they were full

So if you're made of empty spaces

Dont ever think it's wrong

Because maybe they're just empty

Untill the right person comes along

Well day 1 of not slamming Shit feel like I can't sit still and it's all I can think about.. hard habit to kick

At this point in continuing practice, or perhaps earlier for some, there can be a whole series of powerful energetic phenomena, sometimes called the awakening of the Kundalini. What this means is simply a profound opening of the energy centers of the body, or the chakras, and a simultaneous opening of the nadis, or the energy channels of the body. While there is a basic pattern to this, it may happen in many different ways.

Sometimes as one sits and gets more concentrated, the body will begin to burn or there will be a feeling of heat in the spine, vibrations and tingling. At times, one can actually feel energy move physically in the body as if fire, pulsations, or vibrations moved spontaneously through blocked energy channels as a way to open and free them. These energetic openings can take hours, or weeks, or months. It is all a part of the process of psychophysical opening and purification.

When the different chakras open, there will be a whole variety of unusual physical phenomena. At the throat there can be tension and coughing: I have seen people who sat and swallowed for days in a row. With the lower chakras, the initial opening can include tension and fear; there can be nausea and the release of vomiting. With the opening of the sexual chakra there can be other experiences, including visions of every kind of sexual encounter one can imagine, and tremendous waves of lust and rapture.

When the heart chakra opens, there is sweetness and love, but usually this is accompanied by a great deal of pain, because most of us have bands of tension and holding over our heart. In many retreats people, especially physicians and nurses, have come to me asking: “Please, could you call an ambulance? I am having a heart attack; I can tell, I know the symptoms. I am a physician. I understand this.” Or “It hurts here and it hurts my arm. It is my angina but it is worse now,” and so forth. And almost always what it is is the opening of the heart chakra.

I usually say to them, “What better place to die than a retreat? Don’t you think so?” We have not lost anybody yet, although some day it may happen. Still, it is important to have one’s heart opened. So I say: “Go back and sit. Either your heart will open in your body or out of your body. ”

There are many kinds of chakra experiences. The energy released can become very powerful, to the point where there is so much energy coursing through the body that one cannot sleep for a number of nights. The entire body will vibrate. There can be weeks where it is filled with fire and where vision is altered, almost as strongly as being on LSD. The eyes can burn and hurt, and many other kinds of symptoms can be involved.

Spiritual Emergency Stanislav & Christina Grof (editors)
Obstacles and Vicissitudes in Spiritual Practrice, Jack Kornfield