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I went out on my own after lunch and was able to find a few pharmacies stocking Oxycontin, all 5, 10 and 20mg IR. However, they are selling for as high as $18 US per 10mg capsule!!! I tried to explain the concept of volume over profit margin but not one of the 6 pharmacies cared. I wouldnt pay 18 even if I was in the throes of withdrawal...well, maybe that isnt true haha but I sure as hell will not pay it when a gramme of #4 is costing $20 US.

Im beginning to buy into the whole Global Warming brouhaha. Been here 8 days and it only rained once. We are at the height of Monsoon so that the weather is extremely off kilter. That said it is about to rain now and Im happy as thunderstorms are my favourite weather. With sporadic rain downpours in Monsoon tend to involve lightening and thunder. I think it is a bit selfish of me to love Monsoon when each year thousands- often tens of thousands of Asians drown and hundreds of thousands lose their homes. In fact, now that the Lake is gone the remaining squatters get flooded in any heavy rain. It is strange because when the Lake existed many homes and guesthouses were on stilts in the Lake itself. Yet they were never flooded until the Lake was gone.

This morning the homeless woman came up to me and tried to get me to take a coubterfeit casino token from Naga World, a hotel and casino that I used to use to...well, to "exchange" cash for me. Those were days when Cambodia didnt even have ATMs. Those were the days when very heavy weight came through this city. Now only small time penny ante fools like Nigerians use the city to transship materiel. I shudder to think about people ingesting fingers off of surgical gloves packed with 10 gramme rocks of #4. Nigerians are usually too stupid too cultovate relationships with officials. If you stroke the right people you can move even guns through the airport and while that is scary, no would be terrorists are any smarter than most Nigerians.

Just before my past visit a Swedish woman and her son were mailing packages of codeine with APAP to internet customers. They never paid anyone off and so one day when the woman arrived to mail a package the police were waiting. If the arrest hasnt reached the media yet you can easily buy your way out. The going rate is $2,500 per kilo of #4 so that she could have probably gotten away for under a thousand. She had only a few dollars on her (US currency is used here and is more coveted than Cambodian currency. She called her son but as soon as he learned that she had been pinched he panicked and made his way to Poi Pet and crossed into Thailand. Mom was then tossed into gaol and is now in prison. I cannot say what happened to her son but he was never charged here. Cambodia will not pay to extradite.
This morning as usual I went with a friend to Bayon. I bought 3 jars of olives and five half-kilo containers of those green grapes I have become extremely fond of. While there I was photographing unusual versions of Western staples. For example, Heinz canned spaghetti with sausage, or Chunky Soup canned "Butter Chicken," a Cambodian fave. It consists of chicken stewed in coconut milk, lemongrass and ginger, but no butter. Go figure. As I had taken my third photo a stockclerk miraculously appeared by my side, made the sign of respect, what Indians call the "Namaste Greeting," hands together as if praying, in front pf chest with arms bone straight out to the sides, while smiling and head bowed, and then said in barely comprehensible English, "No photos sir," repeating it twice.

At the checkout counter the owner sits upon a stool at the end of one of the two checkout counters. I attempted to bring the incident up. An ethnic Chinese who only spoke Khmer and Hakka (a Chinese language), she claims to speak zero English. I probably could have spoken to her in French but a nice Khmer customer offered to translate. Amazingly none of the employees can speak it despite the store catering to expats. I lied and said that I was using my iPhone to shop for someone, sending images of items. The owner said that I am free to do so. I imagine there will be some interaction with that clerk on my next visit.

I was takkng photos because I am going to create a blog. I will probably name it, "A Junkie Abroad," since I will merely discuss my personal experiences, much as I do here.

My friend dropped me off on
Monviong Blvd on the corner of Russian Blvd (now "Russian Federation"). A second friend then picked me up and took me to a pharmacy where, thanks to his efforts, I found Oxycontin on sale at a fantastic price. Mundipharma 10mg IR capsules, 14 per box for $40.00!!! Better yet, it was an upperclass pharmacy! Here there are two types, the common storefront with no facade, a glass counter and a metal grilled gate that is pulled down in the evening. Families live in the rear almost always. Upperclass pharmacies are Western-style and would be unnoticeable in any Western city. I bought two so as to not freak out the owner and so for $80.00 I bought 28 capsules of Instant Release (IR) 10mg oxycodone! 280mgs IR at $80.00, fantastic!

In the Philippines at best I must pay almost $550 for 28 tablets of 80mg IR, also Mundipharma. That is why I buy 3 grammes IR morphine. It only costs $58.00 US per box, 100 tiny microdots of pure- apart from starch and colour- injectable tablets.
DXM: tried it just last night, after a three month-long hiatus from dissociatives.

I took a single 1,500 mg dose DXM HBr. The effect was that I very quickly became very queasy; my vision was fucked beyond all belief; I had 7-8 panic attacks at 7-8 separate times in the experience; high euphoria and a great sense of contentment; had piss poor time perception; walked like I had huffed too much diethyl ether; and quite a number of other perceptual and physiological effects.


I was going for a high forth plateau experience. What I got instead was several hours of moderate amusementt with. intermittent episodes of anxiety attacks, and an overall bemusing and disappointingly uneventful time.


t was all bang and no fireworks, so to say. What couldn't I have done right?


Amongst my preliminary expectations I included: realistic OEVs, profound CEVs, schizophrenia-like psychotomimesis, intense introspection, high-fiving ETs whilst jauntily enjoying an intergalactic expedition on their tricked-out spacecraft, etc.


But I didn't get that. I am highly experienced with dissociatives, including DXM and several other morphinans. However, this is the first time I've ever administered such a large quantity of DXM and had an experience almost entirely consisting of physiological and perceptual effects (e.g., visual distortions, very mild auditory and visual and proprioceptive hallucinations, feeling inebriated or stoned, moderate ataxia, vertigo, amplification of stimuli like music and taste, and a profound reduction in the sensitivity of my somatosensory system or a diminished somesthetic perception if you prefer).


This may have very well been my last and final assay of DXM; the drug just didn't deliver, and I feel as if I thoroughly wasted a whole damned day.


DXM has never been my dissociative of preference, nor have I had nearly as many trips with it as I have with, say, ketamine and MXE and TCP and BCP and most especially PCP. Those drugs invariably do as they should, whereas taking DXM is tantamount to trying to light a soaked wet fuse—ignition happens, but when it happens and for how long is an insoluble variable, it seems to me.


Perhaps I'm an anomaly. Perhaps there's something peculiar about my constitution that causes DXM's effects to present in unusual ways. I don't know the answer, nor am I terribly confident that I ever will.


Anyway, I think I'll just have a few tokes of hashish, a couple hards hits of that sherm I'd been saving, do a couple 50-count boxes of whippets, some pentobarbital to take the edge off the PCP, and then drown myself to sleep with a quart of Tequila whilst I rapidly forget this veritable sou marqué of a drug ever even existed.


Au revoir!
I view drugs as my secret weapon against life and society.

Sometimes I fantasize about being back in middle school when I was picked on and being on drugs.

I know this isn't healthy. When I'm sober I feel small and defeated. Sometimes I walk around high as fuck hoping that someone will try to pick on me so I can defend myself, I fantasize about someone attacking me and I beat them to death with my opiate strength.
Being a long term opiate/opioid addict presemts a unique set of problems. Yesterday I received my free bit of opium. Equal to 3 dosages, each dosage being the size of a green pea, I had to think long amd hard on how to use it. My tolerance would not allow me to feel any opium, even if it was the best shite on the planet. So, I used a friend as my guinea pig. I made a large glass of very hot water, just below boiling. I dropped one of the dosages in it and gave it enough of a stir to dissolve the opium completely. An opiate naive person should feel it without getting ripped.

I gave my friend Chantou the Opium Tea. He was sure he wouldnt feel it despite never having tasted any other opiates and/or opioids. A half hour he was nodding with pinned pupils. I bought a 30 gramme piece for $220 US.

Speaking of prices, finally found a couple of Rxs selling Oxycontin. Mundipharma 160mg, a box of 14 tablets is $140 US, in per unit terms it is $10 US per 160mg pill. However, none sold individual dosages. 160mg is a massive dosage, and it is IR (Oxycontin of course is the brandname of the Timed Release American pill. Mundipharm has used that name with IR, go figure. 160mg IR is just what I needed. Perfect. Even in Philippines the largest is 80mg. Also bought 2 boxes (and six single dosages) of Dicodin, the Mundipharm Dihydrocodeinone formulation of 60mg Time Release.

It occurred to me today that being here a week today I have yet to see the quinessential Cambodian street food of fried crickets and two flavours of freshwater snails. These carts were everywhere on past visits. Today not even one. So weird. Ill ask my friends tomorrow.

I was supposed to continue to hunt for a flat but if I font go to Philippines Im considering heading up to Laos, or, a longshot, into Shan State in Myanmar (Burma). I was there once and enjoyed it, apart from social hypocrisy. Almost all regional heroin is coming out of Shan but when one of their opium farmers- or anyone else- ends up hooked on opium or heroin they are literally tossed into a 3 meter (9ft) hole covered with a bamboo cage. Imagine doing a Cold Turkey detox that way. Only Russia is worse, chaining addicts to bed literally.
I have developed a routine of sorts. Each day my friends come by. When they do I shanghai the first one with a vehicle to take me to "Bayon." Bayon is a small supermarket that caters to expats. I go for "7Up," which strangely has a totally different taste here. In the West it is pretty much tasteless. I have been stocking up on favourite foods like olives, Feta Cheese and so on. I have also been buying these strange green grapes that are crunchy all the way through and have a different shade of green inside. At $12.00 a kilo they are well worth it.

I have also been stocking up on Dihydrocodeinone and have been relying much more upon that rather than #4 so as to control my habit. Currently I am on 900 mg without Promethazine. The latter increases the metabolic conversion to morphone but also increases sedation all on its own and I do not want to lay in bed all day.

The girl I mentioned, is expecting me to go down there to Cebu this week. A second Filipina is expecting me to go to her in Bohol, an island not too far from Cebu. I have my Multi-Entry Special (Business) Visa but to my knowledge I cannot exercise it until the 30 day mark. I could just say fuck it now that Phnom Penh is no longer the city I love but I am still debating. In 2 hours or so I will get a piece of opium. I am interested as to what kind of quality is available. When the Lakeside still existed 5 grammes of opium cost the equivalent of 2 NYC glassines of heroin, since we arent supposed to discuss prices haha. However, that 5 gramme chunk was tourist garbage.

Im considering volunteering with a Harm Reduction outfit that operates in the city and to a lesser extent, perhaps teaching English at an orphanage. The alternative is to just vegetate with a monster habit developed through boredom.
I've noticed that lately there's been too many troll posts, bad vibes, bad moderation, and abundant hypocrisy around here. I'm taking off from these forums for some time. Hopefully, things will be better in the not-too-distant future. Those that need to reach me can do so via PM or e-mail. Be well.
Since arriving a girl I have been involved with in the Philippines has been pressing me to head to Cebu and visit her. I met her on Mindanao, she is from Lanao de Norte Province but is currently staying with her sister in Lapu Lapu, a municipality that is part of metropolitan Cebu. She is about to go abroad to work and I reckon she wants to get hers in before assuming a 2 year contract. The thing is, after that horrid longhaul Im in no rush to get back aboard a plane. Maybe after I settle into my envisioned flat.

Meanwhile, just woke, almost 10PM, went down and copped Nepalese food, a fried prawn dish with cumin and garlic and a homemade cheese ball in tomatoe concoction. Of course I bought 4 Lassi, 2 banana and 2 pineapple. Homemade yoghurt, ice and fruit blended. As I came back to my room I saw Nigerians frequent the bar on the first floor as well. Oh well, at least there is a pool here. The pool at the Phnom Penh Hotel has become uglier than an American motel's.

Speaking of that dump, when I checked out this morning the sour faced girl who checked me out theatened to keep my $100 US deposit for the wetbar unless I could produce the bullshit receipt they gave in addition to the receipt for the room. The thing is, she showed me the hotel's copy which has all my info! Why make me jump through hoops? So, I went back to my room and of course housekeeping had already dumped everything. I got lucky though and found the receipt in my bag. Then when I returned to the girl she is trying to smile and be nice, acting all mystified when I ignored her pleasantries. I should add, as I was returning I saw a concierge coughing up phlegm into a rubbish receptacle. That hotel has become such a dive. If you aim to stay in comfort only consider Raffles, a SE asian chain that still- so Im told- provides 5 Star service at $240 per night US. You cant beat that.
I used to think bronies were just manchildren going through a quarter life crisis and dealing with masculine insecurities. So they watch my little pony to express the feminine interests they've spent life suppressing...

But then I became a brony, so now I know that's what they are.

One day I drank a whole 12 pack and marathoned the first season of MLP. THat changed my life. I finally had an outlet for all my pent up insecurities. I could finally embrace something girly. I feel all this pressure to be masculine and tough. And I'm okay with it. I like doing a lot of stereotypically masculine activities as much as any other chauvanistic macho douche such as myself... But when nobody is around. It's pony time.
Back when I was addicted to spice, I began talking to the ponies. I knew they weren't real, but I made myself into a mental ventrilliquist... from then on I was the imaginary BFF of the mane 6... Until I found real friends. I had to let the pony characters go.
But I had such a good time acting out conversations with them. Spice had repressed me to being a kid again.

I just wanna cuddle fluttershy so much
The first hotel that I checked into, "Silver River" on Street 172 is a Nigerian hangout, meaning that I risked getting my door kicked in. Of course had I taken up my friends on their kind offers that was another risk of the same type. As luck would have it 2 days ago they nailed 3 men from a northern province with 1.4 tonnes of cannabis. Locals didnt appreciate the competition and so 3 men will spend a couple of decades in stir if they lack the cash to bribe their way out of it.

I decided to leave Silver River and checked into the Phnom Penh Hotel on Monviong. This used to be one of the top 2 hotels in Cambodia. Today? A couple of weeks before flying here I spent a few days in Chicago. I stayed at a "Hampton Inn" motel in the suburbs and it was a world ahead of the Phnom Penh! Would have loved to go to my old haunt the World Star but it is gone as well. Progress as they say.

Im happy with my new digs but have began searching for a flat. Saw an OK one this morning for $250 US per month. Way overpriced for Cambodians but then Im not a Cambodian. I will decide by Monday.

I bought a few boxes of Dihydrocodeinone, the French brand "Dicodin," by Mundipharma. 20 tablets of Time Released 60mg per tablet. Of course I bought Promethazine tablets as well to boost the conversion into morphine. I took 10 tablets Dicodin and 3 Promethazine and vrooooom. Usually though I am making do with #4. I would love to post photographs but do not know how to do it on here.
so over the last few months, and esp. the past 5 days, I have been w/ the girl of my dreams; we have plans to be together but the problem is she is in LA and I am in Boston as of now; she still has a year and a half left of schooling out there she has to finish - so she cant move here till Dec. 2016.

I am making a move out of an apartment where I am now, and paying 1330/mo, to an apartment where my father owns the building (grandmother passed away) and I will be paying 500/mo. right there the savings themselves is a no brainier but Eastie is far from where I usually chill/hangout, so I have to get my license back and life back in order.

I will surly be taking public transportation much more since I am now down the street from the train station; I like things like that and I am sure things will be good but we'll have to see. I am just happy to be making these moves and putting my life in somewhat order and getting away from the "bad" and starting a BETTER life where the mistakes of the past will be forgotten and we can start FRESH!

FINALLY, things seem to be headed in the RIGHT direction, so lets see what is to come next!
so, I am sitting here at work just bored w/ nothing to do. feeling pretty damn good today because I took 3G of Phenibut and 2400MG of Gabapentin; yea, its a gaba combo but it makes me feel fucking great; esp. w/ the 12MG of bupe that I take daily, but I dont even consider that a drug at this point based on my terrible dope habit of the past (past being only a few months, lol).

so, what else is there to do all day!? sometimes I wonder what the fuck do people do all day; yea, I am sitting here at work but I hate my job. I work in Software Sales and I fucking hate it; I just call "customers" all day and try to sell, sell and sell some more. It's just talking and talking and talking; probably why I used to love being, what we say in Boston, "jammmmmmmmmed" while doing this. but now even w/ the bupe, phenibut and gaba, I feel fucking great at work but still really DONT WANT TO WORK!

what else!? hmmmmmmm.. well, its kinda funny cuz nowadays that I am not spending $100+ a day on dope, I always have money in my bank account or in my pocket; its kinda weird. something that is nice but takes some time to get used to. imagine having money always!? what the fuck! what am I rich or something? lol

OK, thats it for now.. thanks for reading this.. if you even did at all.

IF YOU READ THIS, JUST COMMENT PLEASE, I WANT TO SEE WHO ACTUALLY READS THIS SHIT.
well, its Monday.. and guess what!? I am kinda fucking miserable! but to be honest, I am not really that miserable, but just dont want to be at "work" right now. I put work in quotations marks because I truly hate my job and I honestly do not even consider it work; its more like jail time.. but I've been there, too.. and I guess jail is a little worse, ha. notice how I said a LITTLE!

so Friday I fly out to Los Angeles for a 5 day vaca w/ a girl! imagine.. 5 days in LA w/ a girl!? who would have thought a junked out addict like myself would ever make it out of the state and be able to do something like this. def. NOT ME if you asked me even 6-8 months ago. well, maybe a year ago cuz 6-8 months ago I STARTED to TRY and make a comeback to reality but was still using HARD! so yea, I get to go to LA and get the fuck out of Boston - I am EXCITED AS SHIT! ESP. to spend time w/ this girl and just have 5 days of not having to worry about a damn thing, like work, drugs, etc. I never thought this day would come again but here it is and I am ready to fucking go, baby!

my first time leaving the state in years, man. last time was a Vegas trip in 2011 or 2012, I kinda forget.. but I brought a bunch of 30's w/ me so I was still getting HIGHHHHHHHH the whole time - it was fun, dont get me wrong, but since then I've been junked out and broke as a MOFO, so to be able to do this again is exciting, esp. w/ a girl who I actually like, ya know!? who would have thought!?

me and the lady do plan on attending a concert out there and doing some MOLLY! should be fun, right? havent done 'E", now called "Molly" in over 10yrs; esp. since I hit the "hard" drug scene and only did HARD FUCKING DRUGS for the past 8 years, man! I say past 8 years but before that when I was a "club kid" I would do crystal, G, E, K and anything else to keep me up for days at a time as I partied; eventually it all ended and heroin/benzos were introduced/put infront of me and I left the "party" scene and went to a STAY AT HOME AND SHOOT DOPE SCENE for a long ass time! it fucking ruined my life in every possible way, which is why I am excited to GET BACK OUT THERE!

OK, so its Monday but I leave for LA Friday morning at 8AM and arrive at 12PM PST! I cant fucking wait!

ill post on my return.. or if something crazyyyyyyyyyyy happens in the meantime.
the excitement and build up of getting high, man did it cloud up my judgement

ingested a good dosage of poppy pods, didn't quite drink as much water as i should have while doing this
(ingesting dried pods really dry you up on the inside)

drank a monster energy drink and a 5 hour energy(which may have contributed to complications)

went and played basketball, 5 on 5 full-court
i played 4 consecutive games, over an hour and a half, with few breaks....lots and lots of running/sweating

had only drank a bottle a 32 oz'er of gatorade while playing

after playing i went out to the bar with some of the people i played with

after just one beer i started to get really light headed

like realllly light headed, to the point where i just left, without saying good bye to anyone cause i needed to get the fuck out of their

i got about half way to my car before i had fainted, fallen to the pavement
i had thought maybe i had crouched down and than fainted
but judging on how bad my elbows and fanny hurts today, i must have went down like a ton of bricks
very fortunate to have not fallen on my head, face or neck! luckily my body knew to use my ass cheeks and elbows for support

not sure how long i was unconcious for(i'd say between 20 seconds and a minute and a half), i was woken up by some stranger asking if i was okay, of course i said yeah

he's like no your not your going to the hospital and you're not driving home
must have thought i was drunk

i'm good(lol obviously, look at me, laying down in this parking lot, LIKE NOTHINGS A MATTER) and somebody else who i knew who was like yo, yo bro what you on bro? you okay bro? you tripping bro? what's up bro? lol

it was really embarressing because this happened in the company of some friends who are better friend's with my father

they were all like you can't be driving home, (blah blah blah)

i ended up driving home 20 minutes later(but followed), just fine

i'm 99% sure the reason i fainted was dehydration

it sure felt like a near-death experience
(i'm pissed off at my self for allowing this to happen and kinda shaken up)

be careful people!
i.e. don't put enormous stress on your heart when you are high on drugs and stuff
everyone seems to love telling stories, usually about themselves or their family/friends

and they love to build them up, taking the stage and rifling off consecutive statements

i nod and smile, because, cool story?

people like to say 'hey you don't talk much'

probably because i'm not a story teller

it doesn't take much to share something interesting or funny, i'll elaborate, only if you ask
Through my own self-assay, empirical knowledge, anecdotes, and so forth music becomes only tedious background noise when experienced under the effects of a sufficiently large dosage of a psychedelic drug.

Try this experiment: >750 μg LSD whilst listening to music, taking notes. Now, >750 μg LSD whilst motionlessly meditating in a silent darkness, taking notes.


Compare the two sets of notes afterward, noting the stark contrast between the systemic euphoria and the corporeal nature accompanying the drug coupled with the music and the deeply introspective, transcendental, and intellectually concentrated nature of the drug sans music.


Music becomes a cacophonous, tintinnabular distraction from the totality of the psychedelic experience. It only seems entertaining to listen to tunes whilst tripping because, I surmise, the music functions as an anchor, allowing one to ascend only so high before being snagged back down—like an inflated balloon's string being tied around a fixed object, so that every time it floats upward it gets stopped at a certain altitude.


In my opinion, extrinsic sensory stimuli in the presence of psychedelic experiences becomes like a tweaked-out, tenacious little fly that won't quit capriciously zipping about the ambient light emanating from one's TV monitor. The fly is the exogenous diversion, while the TV is the medium through which the psychedelic is experienced (that is, oneself and their percepts and sensoria), the ambient light is the effulgent sublimity one is meant to be observing if not for the attention-grabbing buzz of the nettlesome fly.


Language is inadequate here. But the gist of my comment is that there are but three modes through which to experience psychedelic phenomena, in order from least puissant to most profound:


1.) With a puerile demeanor, ready and set diversions, and all the lively, ostentatious trimmings a gala would require. This is the least fruitful of the three modes, but is also the most popular. It is the psychedelic mise en scène for anybody using psychedelics with the impression of having a wonderfully mirthful moment of bliss.


2.) Without all the superfluous amusements and ignorantly flippant fun of the former, but with a serious-minded set and an austere, sensory-deprived setting.


3.) With the dispassionate and thoughtful disposition as well as the austere and barren setting of the former, but with the purposeful introduction of meditation (not the terribly imprecise Westernised cultural appropriations of meditation, as typified by the absurdity that is this embarrassing New Age trite—I mean the according-to-Holye meditative praxis and doctrine, practiced since time immemorial on at least the Indian subcontinent), where emphasis is placed not on lithe bodily contortions or performing convoluted, tauten flexions of the extremities, but is placed onto the theory that underlay and inform the practice.) As Yogibera once asserted,


"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."



राजयोगः समाधिश्छ उन्मनी छ मनोन्मनी | अमरत्वं लयस्तत्त्वं शून्याशून्यं परं पदम || ३ ||
अमनस्कं तथाद्वैतं निरालम्बं निरञ्जनम | जीवन्मुक्तिश्छ सहजा तुर्या छेत्येक-वाछकाः || ४ ||
सलिले सैन्धवं यद्वत्साम्यं भजति योगतः | तथात्म-मनसोरैक्यं समाधिरभिधीयते || ५ ||
यदा संक्ष्हीयते पराणो मानसं छ परलीयते | तदा समरसत्वं छ समाधिरभिधीयते || ६ ||
तत-समं छ दवयोरैक्यं जीवात्म-परमात्मनोः | परनष्ह्ट-सर्व-सङ्कल्पः समाधिः सोअभिधीयते || ७ ||


(English: Raja yoga, samadhi, unmani, manonmani, amaratva, laya, tatva, sunya, asunya, parama pada,
amanaska, advaita, niralamba, niranjana, jivanmukti, sahaja and turiya denote the same state of being.
Just as with salt dissolved in water becomes one with it, so the union of Atman and Manas (mind) is denominated samadhi,
When the breath becomes exhausted, and mind becomes Praliyate (still, reabsorbed), they fuse into union called samadhi.
This equality, this oneness of the two, the living self and the absolute self, when all Samkalpa (desire, cravings) end is called samadhi.


—Hath Yoga Pradipika, 4.3 - 4.7, )



योग: चित्त-वृत्ति निरोध:

(English: Yoga is the inhibition (nirodhaḥ) of the modifications (vṛtti) of the mind (citta)".
—Yoga Sutras 1.2



यदा पञ्चावतिष्ठन्ते ज्ञानानि मनसा सह ।
बुद्धिश्च न विचेष्टते तामाहुः परमां गतिम् ॥ १० ॥
तां योगमिति मन्यन्ते स्थिरामिन्द्रियधारणाम् ।
अप्रमत्तस्तदा भवति योगो हि प्रभवाप्ययौ ॥ ११ ॥[24]


(English: Only when Manas (mind) with thoughts and the five senses stand still,
and when Buddhi (intellect, power to reason) does not waver, that they call the highest path.
That is what one calls Yoga, the stillness of the senses, concentration of the mind,
It is not thoughtless heedless sluggishness, Yoga is creation and dissolution.)


—Katha Upanishad, 2.6.10-11



A psychedelic trip through a totally uncalmed mind is like a road trip through the Darién Gap—the destination is seldom reached, the journey is stalled and turbulent, the time it takes to arrive is incredibly protracted, and the entirety of what was meant to be an ambitious and adventurous expedition ends up an annoying and abortive inconvenience.
...(continuation)...If instead you turned left it was another dirt road but after an empty block owing to the formidable pink wall of the Phnom Penh Hotel you entered a spirit gate of the type found in most Asian villages, including the Arab Mid East intrrestingly. Through the gate was the "backpacker ghetto."

On both sides of the road which became partially paved were shoppes owned by expats and locals, all geared towards backpackers though, suprisingly, none of the good pharmacies so many crave. Guesthouse #9, Simons, Simons II, all the famous guesthouses.

There was a dirt lane connecting on the rightside that followed the lake's shore, lined with squatter shacks, again mostly Cham living on it.

The main road though, veered just a tad bit and then worked its way parallel to Monviong Blvd until ending at a small cul de sac where a couple of police lived, growing fat from the payoffs.

In 2011 they left that road alone, while demolishing the squatter areas on the side path, along the shore. Guesthouse #9 is now a Khmer-run gambling club where foreigners arent appreciated. The rest of the buildings on that short path to #9 have been left standing but strangely ALL shoppes are now owned by different Khmer and none are doing the same type of business as the previous owners. The famous tiny bookstore by #9 is now akin to a corner shoppe run by a middle aged Khmer lady.

There are 3 guesthouses still catering to foreigners but literally, the dregs of the backpacker trail have washed up there. A Ponytailed 60-year old Dutchmen muttering to himself picking up fag butts out of the mud, a pockmarked 70-year old old trying to get a quarter gramme of #4 for $10 US on credit and waiting hours...As I stood talking to old friends a taxi pulled up and out came 3 Western backpackers, as if they were scammed by outdated travelogues and blogposts.

I spent an hour photographing the street art done by expats when the evictions took place in 2011. Then I went, taking a gift of .75 gramme of #4 just for old time sakes. I am regularly dosing on 220mg of methadone, last dosing on the NYC to Tapei longhaul. Just 30mg of that powder #4 got me high. That is how potent heroin is here and that gift was street garbage. The 4 gramme piece I got later was...well I will get to that a bit later...
Last time I ventured to Beong Keouk, the famed "Lake" of backpacker legends, was 2012, a year after the destruction began. At that point the Lake still existed. Its all gone now.

The biggest shock was what happened to the mosque. When you came off Monviong Blvd on Street 93, at the old Hard Rock Cafe on the left corner, next to the 5 Star Phnom Penh Hotel, and on the other corner Calmette Hospital, until last year the best medical care in Cambodia since the 1960s- of course a big break in the Khmer Rouge Era and subsequent Vietnamese Occupation, you could see the street lined with Cham-owned businesses.

At the end of Street 93, a short street, 1 block, was a huge decrepid mosque built with Saudi money in an attempt to bring the Cham and other indigenous Muslims into Wahabbism. Cham and other groups have always practiced a synchrestic faith that was far more Animist than it was Muslim and so the mosque and attached school fell into disuse and squalor. To the right of where that mosque stood is now an ornate, fabulously adorned mosque. Cham still do not use it hahaha.

You could turn right or left. Right was a dirt road that ran 2 blocks and had a few decrepid businesses and one decent guesthouse. There was a dirt path that connected at an angle. It ran along the lake shore. This was a mostly a Cham squatter slum. On the far end were 2 crappy guesthouses, one of which was the infamous "Sunset," which had more ODs than any other- though Guest House #9 on the opposite shore gave if a good running.

Sunset was owned by an apparently Autistic English kid whose parents staked him in a moneypit where Khmer leeches bled him dry. He hated me hahaha. I remember in 2007 my friends cousin was pissed at losing my purchases (heroin) and grassed me out telling the English kid that Rizza and I were narcotics police. The kid was that stupid and as I walked in on New Years Ever 2007/2008 to ask him for a refund so that I could get a better place- so as to please Rizza- it was the English kid who asked me to leave and offered my money back and then some! No problemo... To be continued...
The weather has finally cooled and feels good. For the last 3 weeks, Paris was under a brutal heat wave. In a few days, I'm going backpacking solo in the Alps for 2 weeks. Mina is back from Algeria.

Mina had been gone for 1 month to stay with her mom in her seaside house. Now that she is back, she is suddenly inviting me to go with her and meet her mom in Algeria next month. Algeria is one of those countries the US government warns you to stay out of. After meeting her mom and the rest of her family, we would spend some time sight seeing and then backpacking in the Atlas mountains and some in the Sahara desert.

Mina had been gone for 4 weeks, and that's a long time. In the mean time, I have been seeing a lot of Ritzko. Ritzko grew up in Japan and went to college (Harvard) in the US. After grad school, she was a reporter for the Wall Street Journal (pre Murdoch) for several years. Later, she moved to Paris and does something completely different.

I spent a year in the desert practically alone and never felt lonely. Here, I feel horribly, lose_my_mind and need morphine for comfort lonely after Mina was gone for only a few days. Not wanting to sleep my life away on morphine, I tried to keep myself busy with Ritzko.

I still don't know what it means for a woman, especially an Arabic woman, to invite me to visit her mother. In the US, in my experience, it has meant the woman is claiming you. Her mom is a moderately religious Muslim as well. I have no idea if my guess is right, but I have the impression they take boy-girl relationships more seriously in that culture. I will take it as a compliment and go.

Other than that, is she trying to send me a message? Or am I over-thinking this? The reason I think she might be trying to send me a message is because of something that happened with Sara, a grad student from Pakistan. Sara was in the same lab with me several years ago. She was nice to me from the day she met me. Soon, she started giving me presents. They were only things like boxes of tea or a book every now and then. I didn't think anything of it.

One day, Sara spotted me having coffee with another girl I knew. The girl was not my girlfriend, but the next day, Sara went apeshit at the lab. She asked me how my "girlfriend" was. I told her that wasnt my girl friend but she wasn't satisfied. She glared at me the whole time she was there that day. She looked like she had gone crazy. Then she ripped up my project poster and quit.
Got into Tapei at 530AM local time, grateful to get off that horrid longhaul. I was impressed with the construction at the airport and for the first time had to connect in another terminal. Took the tram and at 740AM I boarded for Phnom Penh.

A bland meal of an onelette, a chicken sausage, fruit salad, hot roll, fake orange juice and a real, concentrated apple juice. Blaaaah.

Got to Cambodia just after 9AM which was alot quicker than I recall it being. I know a few people at the airport so skipped passport and customs. In 3 days my passport will be delivered with a 6 month business visa, now called "special visa." Usually you pay $35.00 and get a 30 day special visa. At 30 days you can then opt for up to a year, costing nearly $300.00. My 6 month costs me $20.00 for the commamder of the airport Immigration unit. My friends do not accept bribes from me but they cant get around the big kahuna, or rather, they could but if caught they would be in serious trouble.

Since the Lake is gone I no longer have a need for World Star, a great little hotel on Monviong Blvd. I like to be where it is at if alone and so I found a nondescript place by the river. I will not give the name, street and/or price until I move from it for obvious reasons.

Currently Im exhausted, hot from an hour and a half in heavy traffic sitting in a tuk tuk in which I sadly noted that Phnom Penh now rivals Manila for smog, progress as they say.

Sitting naked on one of two twin beds watching cable and waiting for a coca cola to nearly freeze in the mini fridge. After I will wash up and then go see a couple of friends, cop some #4 of course haha and grab a bite to eat.
I felt so peaceful yesterday, my afterglow made me feel extremely connected to the world.

It's been over 24 hours and slipping into day two.

Does anyone else getting kinda silly the following days? This isn't Norma for me. My calm usually sticks around for a week.

Apparently not this time!!
After a day of calm, I gave myself a 2 hour yoga session last night before bed. That shit works better then any drug my doctors prescribe me for my insomnia. Screw diazepam, Human Origami is where it's at!

Slept for 5 hours and my Leaf told me that it was pretty peaceful with not much movement. Didn't really need a bite-sized computer to tell me that though cause I sprang out of bed like a clapper.

Switched on my computer to get ready for work but I had this incredible urge to just DO stuff. Since I went all cleaning-frenzy yesterday, it ruled out housework. Decided to weed the garden with my morning coffee and smokes, and gave myself a pedicure.

Sat down to do some work before a work conference, only to receive an email saying it had been cancelled. Perfect. I have so much energy inside of me, I need to release it somewhere. Somehow.

Nerd convention coming up in 2 months time, so dragged out the sewing machine, chucked on Max Max and happily sewing up a storm here.

I don't know why I'm not feeling the peace. I will look through my journals later and see if I can find any answers.

Last night I felt my calm was going down into slight depression. My calm was taking my mind to places that made me sad and cry. I could explain that to myself. I told myself that the booster I had was too much. I experienced, I learnt and can adjust next times dosage accordingly. Justifying feelings help push me back into control with my thoughts. I was able to talk myself out of the slump my mind wanted to go to. Close call though. Phew.

Maybe psychologically, my mind is now making up for that lapse. My diet and wellbeing, frame of mind and routine, is the same as any other drop. Why must drugs be so complicated and unpredictable? 1 + 1 should always equal 2. So why does it equal 3 this time? I MUST be missing something in my data.

I am interested to see if my afterglow lasts the usual week. I am up and down this time, so while its annoys me that my paper math isn't adding up, I am super curious as to where this new road leads me. I feel like I accidentally leaned against the "Do Not Press" button, and now I get to see what happens.

Hugs and Love

Claudia xo
WARNING: If you have a delicate constitution you might not want to read the following, at least not while you eat hahaha...

Suprise, suprise, the plane didnt stop in Alaska as scheduled. I didnt even know China Air was capable of flying straight through. It will save me at least a half hour which is saying a whole lot on a 15 to 16 hour flight. At the moment we should be over Japan.

When I left the South Bronx at 6PM on the 22nd I dosed with 1 bottle of methadone (220mg) for the first time in 24 hours. Then, as soon as we leveled off at 2AM on the 23rd I took a second bottle (220mg) with my meal, chicken congee, peach yogurt, grapefruit and orange sections and warm water- Chinese arent big on real juice or milk, the latter because of the Lactose Intolerance that affects most East Asians. You wont find farmers making cheese or yogurt, etc.

One of the many things I have picked up in my travels around the world is a nasty case of H. Pylori, a stomach bacteria that causes most ulcers. In 2011, as discussed in my other blog, I had a life threatening bout. I was so weak that standing up made me literally pass out. Just walking 3 meters to a sink was enough to make me sleep for 20-odd hours.

I couldnt eat for more than 3 weeks. I only replenished with ginger ale, half to 1 can per day. One day I was able to get down some broth from a liter of Wonton Soup. During that time it was July and August and so hot, well you get the idea. One night I dreamed I was swimming in a lagoon, in cold water but then I awoke parched as hell, my body's way perhaps, of telling me I needed to rehydrate. Noone was there at that time so I got myself up out of my bed which was itself like a stinking wet rag from all my sweat. Standing there swaying I was only faintly lucid. I somehow made those 3 meters and discovered why I was probably having that dream. The faucet had been left running full blast as a cook broiled hamburgers in a skillet which at that point was unattended, a terrible habit that that cook had.

I gratefully drank my fill but then when I turned to walk back I passed out. My arm hit the skillet handle which flipped the skillet into the air and the hamburgers flew through the air along with the grease. By luck I was only slightly burned on one arm. When the cook returned she summoned help and I was carried back to bed.

The cure though was much worse. They prescribed a regimen that includes 3 drugs that come bundeled together, at $400 US per day for 8 days. I took the first course. An hour and a half later my face was in a loo wretching. I didnt stop for 9 hours. Doctors tried to convince me to change the Antibiotic in the regimen but I had had it. At its worst H. Pylori had me vomiting dhiarraraea- most do not even know that is possible. Having feces hurled out of my mouth over and over for 10 minutes paled in comparison to that 9 hours of wretching. And on that note, we are 2.5 hours out of Tapei at this point so they are serving our second meal. Yummy! From vomiting dhiarraea to Chinese food!...
I usually take one of two carriers on Asian long hauls, China Air or Cathay Pacific. I have usually used Cathay the last couple of years but at $830 for a one way to Phnom Penh via Tapei I opted for China. They have added a new class, "Economy Premium." They kept the normal Economy legroom for that new class while those from the great unwashed masses such as myself are squeezed into the tightest fit I have ever felt on any international carrier. If I really wanted to whine Id complain about the worst film and TV selection as well but since they do have WiFi I will let that stand haha.

Right now Im above Alaska and about to descend into Anchorage where we will deplane for a half hour of refueling and cleaning before the last leg, Anchorage to Tapei. I am on the window and my seatmates are a 20-something Taiwanese couple, very, very sweet since if I opt to use the loo I have to wiggle my fat Jewish ar*e in their faces. He gets up but she just sits there on the aisle.

I wish we still had photo galleries on BL. I would love to add pictures, not only of Phnom Penh but of Anchorage Airport. They have huge dioramas with stuffed wildlife, Polar Bears, walruses, you name it...
Sometimes I'm an optimist, sometimes I'm a a pessimist. Sometimes I'm a realist. Where does that leave me? I have a different solution to the problem from one moment to the next, and I'm a full-on believer in the diamond spirit. Then, I will see the opposite philosophy, and I will say, "oh, that sounds valid too," and all of a sudden I find myself doing the opposite, with different but exactly comparable poistive creative energy.

In this way, I am yours for the taking. In this way I am vital. Life is alive. But also in this way, life is dead. There is my wall. There is my wive's wall. There is a dissatisfaction and unexamined anger that scares me less than I know it should. The anger is legion. The Love is legion as well, but that's no good excuse.

If I write you a poem, will you read it? I am lonely. I have made so many mistakes. I am so lonely. I am at fault. I wish to repair. I am lost. I love my children. I love them so much. I'm sad around them. I hate myself. I wish to repair.

No, you won't read my poem. I will end with self-pity. It's what I hate most about others. In me; I wish to be rid of it. How can I let you? Go! Gonna get you! Be gone now, I bet you!

Oh Buddha, near Bodhi, stay put now. Hold on there. We wander no longer.
The following days after MDMA is such a peaceful experience for me, I tend to get excited about the afterglow as much, if not more then, the actual drop.

The 24 hours following the comedown are the best though.

I'm sitting outside having a smoke. It's quiet and sunny outside, with only the sound of children playing with a ball a few houses down.

It's so peaceful, so pretty.

I feel so calm and at ease with the world.

MDMA always cuts my sleeping time to about 3 hours, and yet I feel like I awoke from a long, deep and refreshing slumber.

I've been awake for 2 hours now. Showered and washed my hair, stripped my bed and washed my sheets, cleaned up from last nights antics, and done the dishes.

The house is clean and homely. I feel clean and fabulous. And the sun and gardens feel and look so perfect.

I'm feeling a tad dehydrated from last night, so sipping on a water bottle, and have a bottle of Soylent to try and put nourishing nutrients back in my body. If I can make sure my macro/micro nutrients are perfect, I can make this feeling last up to a week. Easy to do when I have no appetite, and my meals are prepared weeks in advance, only needing to add water.

I plan to study today, with a gym session later, and yoga tonight.

Hugs and Love,

Claudia xo
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