I have always felt that I have been the only one who is going through my current situations. What I fail to realize is that many have gone through what I have, and millions of others to a more severe degree than what I have. Nevertheless the way I feel about what I am going through no one can copy, imitate, or "shrug off" as many do with the common phrase "get over it". I am one of the biggest failures in that sense, for I remember many times saying the exact same thing to others, some even close friends.
I feel I am constantly paying for crimes committed. Now I know , I have done wrong, I was in public, I got caught, I need to pay the price. However the price always seems to get a higher interest right as I am about to pay the last payment, so I have to continue to pay. I get a DUI, I pay 230 dollars for a DUI weekly course. I pay 200 to fly down to Tampa to finish the court situations. I pay a probation officer to basically kick my ass, and then I pay my time with community service. I also pay for treatment, where the place that wants to treat me doesn't even think I need it. However, it's okay by them, since I am still paying.
Quick thoughts of suicide (which I assure anyone who is reading this have never surfaced into anything more than a single painful, micro second thought, then quickly vanished), simple thoughts of pain, many thoughts of escaping, however end result is moving forward.
I have already moved forward from so much. Constant negative banter from teachers and classmates, from sexual abuse, friends robbing me (of dignity, money, and product), parents always going back n forth from stating they love to stating they do not want me around, and as of late from bosses trying to bring me down for no apparent reason at all. The amazing thing I believe is that I am still smiling. I am still on a daily basis being that laughable, outgoing, helping individual that has not yet depleted from my personality. How? I am not sure. If I could guess, I would say music but that is just a guess...that or quick sips of wine that always leave me humble
It's funny how I also cannot escape contact with the law.....it seems every four years or less. For instance, get the DUI and drug charge down south. Month later get robbed (not by friend, a random robbing this time, which actually had me more relieved and satisfied that it was not a friend) but then had to interact with the police on that scenario. Move back to NH and you guessed it, having an outstanding warrant, for having a cup of beer on the sidewalk, in the jail for again after only two weeks being back in my home state. Officer was good to me and liked me ...only because he really had no reason to pull me over, and yes, you guessed it, that outgoing innocent personality I portray so well.
Let's take a quick moment to talk about the bills of course. Now I sell my car since hey I can't drive it anyways, so there's another two years of payments on that. The student loan to cover me out of a car crash from 2006. Rent, electricity , an overdue heating bill (which is funny because I was without heat for a month thanks to landlord ass-clown). I did just finish paying off a cash call loan but that was a burden. So what do I do to get myself out of paying $650.00 to paying $380.00? I move in with this girl who is a friend of a coworker. Things are great we get along! I get all my stuff into the home, only to find out the person who was saying he was moving out march first, DIDN'T! So for the next three weeks, on the couch, only paying half the rent, but that doesn't matter because the kid who finally did move out, didn't pay for this month's rent. So guess who gets to eat that one? That's right, me and the girl, and this girl is similar to me getting screwed over so I offer to help pay on what he owes, but still...god dammit.
The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing I am still alive. Who knows what happens when you die, and I don't want to waste a beautiful sunset, or a crisp morning overlooking the small city with mountains in the background. This is where you have to understand, I do enjoy living. My point is right now is that although the hurdles I jump are not that high, they are many, and I need to take a break from the race, but I am deciding this right after the gun-shot has commenced.
So as I state in title, no sympathy required, in fact I feel none for myself. I am finishing this with a classic smile on my face, and hoping that someone who is constantly through bullshit will reach out to have one hell of a conversation....
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I feel I am constantly paying for crimes committed. Now I know , I have done wrong, I was in public, I got caught, I need to pay the price. However the price always seems to get a higher interest right as I am about to pay the last payment, so I have to continue to pay. I get a DUI, I pay 230 dollars for a DUI weekly course. I pay 200 to fly down to Tampa to finish the court situations. I pay a probation officer to basically kick my ass, and then I pay my time with community service. I also pay for treatment, where the place that wants to treat me doesn't even think I need it. However, it's okay by them, since I am still paying.
Quick thoughts of suicide (which I assure anyone who is reading this have never surfaced into anything more than a single painful, micro second thought, then quickly vanished), simple thoughts of pain, many thoughts of escaping, however end result is moving forward.
I have already moved forward from so much. Constant negative banter from teachers and classmates, from sexual abuse, friends robbing me (of dignity, money, and product), parents always going back n forth from stating they love to stating they do not want me around, and as of late from bosses trying to bring me down for no apparent reason at all. The amazing thing I believe is that I am still smiling. I am still on a daily basis being that laughable, outgoing, helping individual that has not yet depleted from my personality. How? I am not sure. If I could guess, I would say music but that is just a guess...that or quick sips of wine that always leave me humble
It's funny how I also cannot escape contact with the law.....it seems every four years or less. For instance, get the DUI and drug charge down south. Month later get robbed (not by friend, a random robbing this time, which actually had me more relieved and satisfied that it was not a friend) but then had to interact with the police on that scenario. Move back to NH and you guessed it, having an outstanding warrant, for having a cup of beer on the sidewalk, in the jail for again after only two weeks being back in my home state. Officer was good to me and liked me ...only because he really had no reason to pull me over, and yes, you guessed it, that outgoing innocent personality I portray so well.
Let's take a quick moment to talk about the bills of course. Now I sell my car since hey I can't drive it anyways, so there's another two years of payments on that. The student loan to cover me out of a car crash from 2006. Rent, electricity , an overdue heating bill (which is funny because I was without heat for a month thanks to landlord ass-clown). I did just finish paying off a cash call loan but that was a burden. So what do I do to get myself out of paying $650.00 to paying $380.00? I move in with this girl who is a friend of a coworker. Things are great we get along! I get all my stuff into the home, only to find out the person who was saying he was moving out march first, DIDN'T! So for the next three weeks, on the couch, only paying half the rent, but that doesn't matter because the kid who finally did move out, didn't pay for this month's rent. So guess who gets to eat that one? That's right, me and the girl, and this girl is similar to me getting screwed over so I offer to help pay on what he owes, but still...god dammit.
The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing I am still alive. Who knows what happens when you die, and I don't want to waste a beautiful sunset, or a crisp morning overlooking the small city with mountains in the background. This is where you have to understand, I do enjoy living. My point is right now is that although the hurdles I jump are not that high, they are many, and I need to take a break from the race, but I am deciding this right after the gun-shot has commenced.
So as I state in title, no sympathy required, in fact I feel none for myself. I am finishing this with a classic smile on my face, and hoping that someone who is constantly through bullshit will reach out to have one hell of a conversation....