get a haircut and get a real job

this very well may be my last blog/journal thing for a while.

i feel like such a fucking asshole. yea my mom's bat shit crazy but it's not her fault. she gets pissed off and yells some pretty fantastic shit straight into my face but it's understandable. bills bills bills money money money. her boyfriend left and she's having trouble financially and me being here isnt helping her at all. i only work 3 hours a day on account of daycare costs. i know i get malaura what she needs but i soak up funds. when her boyfriend was here she told me to work at the greenhouse to help the g-ma and not to worry about a full-time job, so i didnt. and dumbass me didnt think about it when her boyfriend left.

i dont really like the fact of my mom scaring the shit out of me the way she use to when i was small. phones being slammed in my face and whatnot. but dammit i can understand her viewpoint. i can see how stressed she must be and how much of a burden i am right now. i know her personality and how success is so important to her. that not being able to keep the internet and cable would be damaging to her self esteem. small things like that are what builds up and makes a person scream. i hate knowing i contribute to that.

someone talked to me today and made me think about things. i get so frustrated that she doesnt act a certain way that i forget about how im acting. and that usually means im acting like a child. then we're right back to where we were ten years ago. that's something i have to let go. i cant keep letting bullshit from the past affect me so much. i catch myself in so much self pity sometimes it's pathetic. not outwardly, god no, im sure once i verbalized what i was thinking to someone else id ask them to punch me.

ill miss the internet
it's getting cut off tomorrow im pretty sure. that's what she said at least. but hopefully when i help her get caught up with everything it'll get turned back on.

what ill miss the most though, after it does get cut off, is someone who has changed me drastically for the better in such a short time without even knowing it.

 

Regardless of hers or your personal situation, finances aside it it seems there was no clear message given after her boyfriend left that she was struggling to make ends meet.
She shouldn't expect you to know that, or maybe it's something you would just know by living under the same roof?

For what it's worth, not knowing your history, she does have any right to throw shit at you etc.

I hope you can you catch up and get on top of things soon enough. ♪♪

 

thanks LnF
im thinking it's something i shouldve known

i was a rebellious kid and she had anger issues. it's not like that now but she can still be very domineering and loud. at this point though im done with the right or wrongs in our situation and im just going to start doing whatever i can, whenever i can because she's my mother. even if i wasnt here she would still be struggling, as much as she would hate to admit it.

 

by the way, happy birthday!

 

thank you

 

slushy; remember when you were little and counting down the sleeps until your birthday? and how the night before you could barely sleep with excitement/your imagination running wild with beautiful thoughts?

today is still THAT day; make it special and everything you want it to be. we get one day a year to celebrate our existance and it sucks that the older you get; the more guilt filled and reflective it becomes. just dont forget the awesome things youve done this year and how many peoples lives you have had positive influence on by simply being you and there.

happy birthday babe. make it memorable. :D

 

thank you xeno
youre a beautiful and genuine person and thank you for my bday thread
it made my day better
ill be offline for a while but ill be back
take care fenga papit!!

 

^^^I was writing you a LONGGGGG response and the page hung and erased everything Anyway the jist of what I wanted to say is you are a smart, considerate, emphatic and very perceptive woman ---- not pathetic at all in anyway whatsoever (as you stated in your entry ) Sometimes life shocks us out of our comfort zone but despite the initial pain and annoyance, we look back at it and realize we have grown in patience, compassion and love. Smile always

 

^
that really made me smile

interwebs disconnection: postponed!
may be gone in a month or so but meh
thanks you guys. there's a lot ive learned from people on here.

 

It looks like we get to keep you for a little while longer.

 

indeed it does