It's been a trip since I stopped using back in dec 2006 & went on a hiatus until mar 2009, & didn't even try speed again til end of april, I believe. There were obvious advantages of bein clean. I did stay more on top of doing life's stupid bullshit I hate doing, when required. I had more money. In fact, I had more "real" friends. I love my few addict friends I have, but face it, most are so self absorbed and wouldn't give it a 2nd thought running a game on you and try to get away with it. My friend Aimee is like that, my heroin addict bud. She can be more fun than almost anyone, but she will snag money out of your wallet, purse, or whatever if left unguarded. My NA friends didn't want anything from me, nor me from them other than friendship, and did in fact help each other out w/o expecting anything in return. I guess I am feeling the sting of isolation, even though truthfully, I'm one of the most extreme cases of reclusiveness I've ever met, lol.
I was writing down the pros and cons, and came of with so many pros I love about using. Never being bored is probably at the top of my list. My mind is a mental playground, always has been, then when Crystal came into the picture, WHOA! talk about REALLY escaping in style. Then of course, there's the fact that my beauty came back. Other's have always told me how much they love my looks, that is unless I'm fat like I surely was clean for those 27 months. I can write again, even though I some how miss out on actually getting it onto the pc since my relapse. I love to walk, dance, exercise again, whereas 70 lbs ago, it was a fucking chore, not to mention shopping and finding more beautiful shit to wear, even though all my shopping is at thrift shops. No more foot pain, no more horrific monthly pain granted to women only, haha.
Then why am I so sad underneath it all I wonder? Well the obvious symptom, back to going through money too damn quickly sucks for one and the other thing is that using anymore, there's no way I wanna even think about venturing outside the house to prevent getting busted, save for the odd occasion of spending the night at Aimee & Linda's. Their place is much too hot though and I can't afford to get in trouble again. I could lose my professional license for good. I don't have to worry about driving since my car took a dive back in August, and also tolerance levels being up means I function and "blend" in better with John & Jane Doe Normal USA. I eat every day, I sleep. So, I'm struggling once again of getting my dope fiending self back on a "schedule."
After being off the shit 3 months, I felt the first shot BIG time, of course. I've noticed too, that once my other clubs got taken away back in 2005 and 2006 because of some fuck story that complained, this club was pretty much dead city. Now I'm paranoid to let anyone in unless I know them or are recommended by someone that will vouch for them. Of course, now all of a sudden more members just out of thin air want to join. Where do these people come from? I'd hate to lose another club, that's why I'm not encouraging new admissions. Obviously, if it happens, oh well. That's what back up is for I guess. Now I'm gonna make me a serious do dad.
I was writing down the pros and cons, and came of with so many pros I love about using. Never being bored is probably at the top of my list. My mind is a mental playground, always has been, then when Crystal came into the picture, WHOA! talk about REALLY escaping in style. Then of course, there's the fact that my beauty came back. Other's have always told me how much they love my looks, that is unless I'm fat like I surely was clean for those 27 months. I can write again, even though I some how miss out on actually getting it onto the pc since my relapse. I love to walk, dance, exercise again, whereas 70 lbs ago, it was a fucking chore, not to mention shopping and finding more beautiful shit to wear, even though all my shopping is at thrift shops. No more foot pain, no more horrific monthly pain granted to women only, haha.
Then why am I so sad underneath it all I wonder? Well the obvious symptom, back to going through money too damn quickly sucks for one and the other thing is that using anymore, there's no way I wanna even think about venturing outside the house to prevent getting busted, save for the odd occasion of spending the night at Aimee & Linda's. Their place is much too hot though and I can't afford to get in trouble again. I could lose my professional license for good. I don't have to worry about driving since my car took a dive back in August, and also tolerance levels being up means I function and "blend" in better with John & Jane Doe Normal USA. I eat every day, I sleep. So, I'm struggling once again of getting my dope fiending self back on a "schedule."
After being off the shit 3 months, I felt the first shot BIG time, of course. I've noticed too, that once my other clubs got taken away back in 2005 and 2006 because of some fuck story that complained, this club was pretty much dead city. Now I'm paranoid to let anyone in unless I know them or are recommended by someone that will vouch for them. Of course, now all of a sudden more members just out of thin air want to join. Where do these people come from? I'd hate to lose another club, that's why I'm not encouraging new admissions. Obviously, if it happens, oh well. That's what back up is for I guess. Now I'm gonna make me a serious do dad.
. Would love to PM with you again. My yahoo mess is: judessa2u, if you ever wanna try me on that, or send email to above ID and add: @yahoo.com. BL box almost full. Hugs. Love TJ