Step 1: Disease of Addiction, Question 6

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

emotion - A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling:
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

spirit - an attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling, or action
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

02/03/10 2:30 PM

PHYSICALLY

A scar from an open wound from injecting. Also note the bicep veins. There used to be ONE solid, thick vein running straight up the center. I must have split that somehow into these spidery looking veins

White indented scars from injecting. I have quite a few of these

Caved in, thin nostril from insufflating

Razor cut from attempted suicide (yes, I know I did it wrong)

02/03/10 3:46 PM

MENTALLY

I'm going to answer this part in the present tense...

I actually feel mentally invigorated now that I am clean compared to when I was actively using. At times I do notice myself obsessing. I do find myself analyzing things more nowadays and sometimes I have slight OCD behaviors but nothing to the extent that I am worried about.

I am extremely anal about how certain things should be done. I can use these entries as an example:

* The titles must be labeled in the same syntax
* The time/date must be in the same format
* The definitions must be at the top of the entry

SPIRITUALLY

In my addiction my spirit was affected by drugs. When I was high, all was well. This was short lasting and then there was the come-down or the next day when I needed to start the entire cycle over again.

I was typically broken, hopeless, self-hating, depressed, full of self-pity, manipulative, selfish, arrogant (at times), angry, resentful, careless, dishonest, lazy...

EMOTIONALLY

When I wasn't high the emotions I most often experienced was anger and ambivalence.

I was taking anti-depressants through most of my addiction and they supressed most all other emotions.

I did feel love for a particular woman and this, I believe was genuine. I was unable to show the love I felt however due to the dominant selfish and enslaved feeling I was enduring.

Of course, I also felt confused. I was caught up in the obsession and compulsion of my addiction and couldn't understand (at the time) why I just couldn't stop when everything I could ever want was right in front of me if I just stopped using

 

Hi OD,
As a following shadow reading from a far I find your blogs fascinating as I do the author.
I like to think of myself as being pretty well grounded and yet often find faults with my own being and constantly seek growth and existence. Writing how you feel can be very rewarding as can reading what people write, don’t stop writing my friend.

 

Thanks Simon. It was difficult to look so closely at myself at first but now its getting easier.

I'd love to read your Blogs. I'm gonna dig in and look them up!

 

I didn't know/think your nostrils would look differently from the outside due to insuffulation?

I know that the septum can degrade, especially with repeated cocaine insuffulation...however I think your nose looks just fine.

I think you're making real progress and you do seem to care for yourself. Glad to hear you're still with us!

 

Thanks, CH. Yeah, my nose wasn't necessarily from the chemical eating away at the inside but more because of a strange mannerism I developed from snorting.

After the first line I obsessively picked and dug at my nose for HOURS. This went on for years and the stranger thing is that, when I started IV'ing, I still fucked with my nose immediately after my first shot (to a lesser degree) even though nothing even went up my nose

It was the strangest mannerism!