Damn. I feel terrible this morning. I forgot that sometimes even after I'm detoxed and clean that some days still just suck. And I can't stop thinking about that one "small" thing. Getting high. I'm trying not to discuss it too much.
Realizing things sucks, especially things that you had under control. I started really smoking weed again and selling a good amount too and all of a sudden (no it's not the specific type of weed I have right now) I don't enjoy getting high. I don't enjoy shit.
I substituted a substance for way too much there for a few months and I guess it's taking a while for me to rebound and get "back to normal." Bottom line, I'm depressed. And there's this whole parallel with my father who is legit bipolar. You know, like, I'm manic when I'm using opiates. Maybe I even mask the mania with the drug. Or maybe as I'm getting too manic, I have a high likelihood of relapse. What does that say about depression and me then?
I hate that comparison, however genetically likely. I feel a slave to it a lot of days. Scratch that; slave is a bit dramatic. I feel the influence of the comparison by professionals and relatives. "He's bipolar, just like his father." This is why I can never remain in the care of any type of mental health doctor even though I probably need to desperately. That's another one of those things I'm still having trouble figuring out. Do I or don't I need to be in therapy? There are as many reasons for as there are against. And which parts of my personality are controlling those reasons. Who or what is creating these circumstances?
Oh yea, I got this awful idea today. I'd write a story, script, or some type of long prose piece about someone in a similar situation as me: Older college student, long-term unmarried girlfriend, shitty car, lives with his parents, opiate-addicted, manic-depressive, with terrible parents (possibly why he turned out this way) and an alcoholic brother. To EVERYONE he hides his selling of weed, hides his opiate addiction, lies. Would this be a good story? It's probably been written before. Hell, it's probably been lived before. I'm never the first at anything, nor do I especially want to be. No shit, as many of these kind of stories are true, this one is.
I'm pretty tired of feeling this way. It's how things really are though. I don't want to take something that helps me forget that shit. It's bad stuff and I'm responsible for it. Why shouldn't I feel bad for it? I shouldn't pawn it off on an SSRI or something else like I do pain pills. I don't really do it with pot. It's not really like that, you know? But I mean won't me feeling like shit about something for long enough force me to take steps to change that thing?
Damn that was some dark shit. I scored a large staining job yesterday. I had talked about starting my own business and all that. Well this isn't a true "I'm committing myself to doing that" step towards working for myself. But this is a job that will easily put $500 in my pocket. So fuckin kudos to me, damnit.
Realizing things sucks, especially things that you had under control. I started really smoking weed again and selling a good amount too and all of a sudden (no it's not the specific type of weed I have right now) I don't enjoy getting high. I don't enjoy shit.
I substituted a substance for way too much there for a few months and I guess it's taking a while for me to rebound and get "back to normal." Bottom line, I'm depressed. And there's this whole parallel with my father who is legit bipolar. You know, like, I'm manic when I'm using opiates. Maybe I even mask the mania with the drug. Or maybe as I'm getting too manic, I have a high likelihood of relapse. What does that say about depression and me then?
I hate that comparison, however genetically likely. I feel a slave to it a lot of days. Scratch that; slave is a bit dramatic. I feel the influence of the comparison by professionals and relatives. "He's bipolar, just like his father." This is why I can never remain in the care of any type of mental health doctor even though I probably need to desperately. That's another one of those things I'm still having trouble figuring out. Do I or don't I need to be in therapy? There are as many reasons for as there are against. And which parts of my personality are controlling those reasons. Who or what is creating these circumstances?
Oh yea, I got this awful idea today. I'd write a story, script, or some type of long prose piece about someone in a similar situation as me: Older college student, long-term unmarried girlfriend, shitty car, lives with his parents, opiate-addicted, manic-depressive, with terrible parents (possibly why he turned out this way) and an alcoholic brother. To EVERYONE he hides his selling of weed, hides his opiate addiction, lies. Would this be a good story? It's probably been written before. Hell, it's probably been lived before. I'm never the first at anything, nor do I especially want to be. No shit, as many of these kind of stories are true, this one is.
I'm pretty tired of feeling this way. It's how things really are though. I don't want to take something that helps me forget that shit. It's bad stuff and I'm responsible for it. Why shouldn't I feel bad for it? I shouldn't pawn it off on an SSRI or something else like I do pain pills. I don't really do it with pot. It's not really like that, you know? But I mean won't me feeling like shit about something for long enough force me to take steps to change that thing?
Damn that was some dark shit. I scored a large staining job yesterday. I had talked about starting my own business and all that. Well this isn't a true "I'm committing myself to doing that" step towards working for myself. But this is a job that will easily put $500 in my pocket. So fuckin kudos to me, damnit.
