Monday July 12th 2010 10:00 am
Legit done. I cant do this shit no more. My mind is all fucked up. I dunno what the fuck is wrong wit me, but if something doesn’t change soon ima fuckin leave this place. Seriously I don’t know what happened but I spiraled downward for the worst… again. Huh, who woulda guessed, me, taking a turn for the worst. Im obviously doomed to live this cycle over and over again no matter what good or bad is goin on in my life.
I feel alone. Like completely and utterly alone. I have no one to talk to, to tell about any of this shit. Pierre doesn’t wanna hear it, which I can understand. I didn’t realize that I told him so much when we first got together, n now somehow I have to change it. I cant tell him anymore, he obviously knows way more than he ever wanted to.
I don’t sleep, I don’t sleep, I don’t do anything. If I stop doin my homework, or whatever the fuck else im doing, my mind becomes consumed with blackness. I cant get away from it. I am stressed the fuck out, like to the fuckin max. Im at a point right now where I don’t know what is up n what is down. I wanna legit crawl into a hole and die. Im never gonna be that normal girl, its jus not in the cards for me. Im doomed to b the depressed lil fuck up that ive always been. No matter how hard I fight to become something better, my thoughts will always get the best of me. This is me, its who I am.
Pierre deserves better, he deserves someone with a good head on their shoulders. I mean look at us: Pierre, in the army, has a career, has a car, a job, and a future. He has stress in his life, but its all stuff that he can handle, not saying my shit is worse by any means, but he knows how to handle shit… Me, im fuckin 23 yr old with no where to call home. No one wants me around, im jus a piece of shit that somehow always ends up getting by. I work at the fuckin mall and I cant even handle that. School is kickin my fuckin ass and I cant keep up. I cant even find the time, or the energy to clean the fish tanks or clean the house. I have this horrible addictive personality that is never gonna change. Its me, its who I am. I get stressed and try to run from it rather than jus deal wit it.
I think Pierre hates me deep down, but jus doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to me. H With me in his life he is doomed to live a life where he isn’t ever truly happy. I gotta get away from him for his sake, I fuckin love him so much to the point that it hurts. Loving him the way I do, I cant possibly stay wit him. He fuckin deserves better. I gotta find a way to leave. He doesn’t want me to, but I know its jus cuz hes scared for me. I mean fuck that’s what he told me. Legit I don’t know what to do. I wanna tell him I have somewhere to go and tht ill b fine, but its not the truth. I have no where to go, I have no one, escept him.
But he doesn’t want me, and I don’t blame him, hes right, ima fuckin psycho. I cant fight these urges anymore. I wanna jus, I dunno, I wanna feel something. Im sick of this empty feeling inside me. Im sick of hiding everything from the world. Im sick of this pretend smile on my face. I wanna cut the bull shit out, literally. I cant be here anymore, here being anywhere. I wanna legit run away as fast and as far as I can. I wanna stop hurting everyone around me. I wanna just die. I cant fuckin do it anymore.
Im out, wit lke 8 days, I prob wont b able to handle it. Ima take it out on Pierre, I know I will. Ima try so hard not to, but its inevitable. Why do I do thid? Why do u I hurt the onle person I have in my life? Why cant I just be happy wit what I got? So what if he doesn’t wanna hear me, I wouldn’t wanna either. The poor guy is tryina picture me to b as normal as he possibly can, and then I come out wit some stupid psycho babble bull shit.
Bottom line, I gotts either put a straight face on n wealk into this shit looking happy, or I need to bow out gracefully and let him move on. I cant b that sad pathetic lil girl anymore. I so jus want ppl to look at me n see someone normal, n no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I mean I wear it on my sleeves, literally. My scarlet letter is these fuckin scars. I can never hide from them. WTF was I thinking all those years? Y didn’t I think of the futire? O that’s right, I didn’t think there would b one. So now im stuck, stuck wit these literal scars to remind me everyday of the past. He says to leave the past in the poast, but how do I do that when I have to look at it everyday. I remember just about every scar, when I did it, where I was, and why I did it. How do u jus leave that in the past? People stare at me, sometimes they ask questions. The guy at DD yesterday asked me what happened. I cant stand that.
Im afraid of everything, legit everything. I cant b near ppl cuz ill have a panic attack, I cant b alone cuz ill do something stupid. Nothing works, nothing will ever work. Im doomed. Life suks then you die. I wish the second part would either hurry up and come, or for me to not look forwatd to it so much.
The other week wit thast fuckin heart attack, I thought it was the end, I was so scared, but at the same tme I was excited. Yea, fucked I no. He asked y I didn’t jus call 911. Well the truth, I wanted to see what would happen. I was scared yes, and wanted his help, but I knew in my mind he wasn’t comin here. I atleast wanted to feel like I reached out. It wouldn’t have been his fault by any means, but all mine. Who wouldn’t jus call 911? Me that’s who. I wanted to see if I could really jus let myself die. They say that upper death is the worst that u can have, not like downs, but wit up u will feel everything and know exactly what is coming. I wanted to feel it. I was ready. Im so fucked.
On the other hand, I didn’t want any of that. I want to get better and kick all this shit. I want to live a fuckin normal life. I want to go to the movies wit my love, I want to go to sleep next to him, and wakr up next to him. I miss the nights where he would b half asleep n tell me he loves me. God I miss him so much. WTF did I do? Y do I always ruin everything? Nothing will ever b the same. Hes done wit me, its basically jus a waiting game now. Im waiting to see when he leaves me.
Legit, without him I am nothing. If he leaves me im doomed. I no exactly what will happen. I will go to some motel for a few days, then realize I cant afford it. Ill leave there and begin wandering again, jus like the old days. Ill get caught up in some bull shit, like usual, and beofer I no it, it’s a year later and im either married to some weirdo, addicted to something, homeless on the streets, or god forbid a whore or something. Legit, its my calling. My life has alwayd been doomed. My destiny is to be another statistic.
I will end up alone and I will die alone. Its how it was meant to be. I need to jus stop fighting it and let the future become the present.
That’s it, Im fuckin done, Ima go try to salvage what little I have left. Lets see how this shit works.
8 mutha fuckin days. Can I do it? Lol lets see Kelly demonstrate will power, guaranteed ill be freakin by the the end of the day.
Legit done. I cant do this shit no more. My mind is all fucked up. I dunno what the fuck is wrong wit me, but if something doesn’t change soon ima fuckin leave this place. Seriously I don’t know what happened but I spiraled downward for the worst… again. Huh, who woulda guessed, me, taking a turn for the worst. Im obviously doomed to live this cycle over and over again no matter what good or bad is goin on in my life.
I feel alone. Like completely and utterly alone. I have no one to talk to, to tell about any of this shit. Pierre doesn’t wanna hear it, which I can understand. I didn’t realize that I told him so much when we first got together, n now somehow I have to change it. I cant tell him anymore, he obviously knows way more than he ever wanted to.
I don’t sleep, I don’t sleep, I don’t do anything. If I stop doin my homework, or whatever the fuck else im doing, my mind becomes consumed with blackness. I cant get away from it. I am stressed the fuck out, like to the fuckin max. Im at a point right now where I don’t know what is up n what is down. I wanna legit crawl into a hole and die. Im never gonna be that normal girl, its jus not in the cards for me. Im doomed to b the depressed lil fuck up that ive always been. No matter how hard I fight to become something better, my thoughts will always get the best of me. This is me, its who I am.
Pierre deserves better, he deserves someone with a good head on their shoulders. I mean look at us: Pierre, in the army, has a career, has a car, a job, and a future. He has stress in his life, but its all stuff that he can handle, not saying my shit is worse by any means, but he knows how to handle shit… Me, im fuckin 23 yr old with no where to call home. No one wants me around, im jus a piece of shit that somehow always ends up getting by. I work at the fuckin mall and I cant even handle that. School is kickin my fuckin ass and I cant keep up. I cant even find the time, or the energy to clean the fish tanks or clean the house. I have this horrible addictive personality that is never gonna change. Its me, its who I am. I get stressed and try to run from it rather than jus deal wit it.
I think Pierre hates me deep down, but jus doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to me. H With me in his life he is doomed to live a life where he isn’t ever truly happy. I gotta get away from him for his sake, I fuckin love him so much to the point that it hurts. Loving him the way I do, I cant possibly stay wit him. He fuckin deserves better. I gotta find a way to leave. He doesn’t want me to, but I know its jus cuz hes scared for me. I mean fuck that’s what he told me. Legit I don’t know what to do. I wanna tell him I have somewhere to go and tht ill b fine, but its not the truth. I have no where to go, I have no one, escept him.
But he doesn’t want me, and I don’t blame him, hes right, ima fuckin psycho. I cant fight these urges anymore. I wanna jus, I dunno, I wanna feel something. Im sick of this empty feeling inside me. Im sick of hiding everything from the world. Im sick of this pretend smile on my face. I wanna cut the bull shit out, literally. I cant be here anymore, here being anywhere. I wanna legit run away as fast and as far as I can. I wanna stop hurting everyone around me. I wanna just die. I cant fuckin do it anymore.
Im out, wit lke 8 days, I prob wont b able to handle it. Ima take it out on Pierre, I know I will. Ima try so hard not to, but its inevitable. Why do I do thid? Why do u I hurt the onle person I have in my life? Why cant I just be happy wit what I got? So what if he doesn’t wanna hear me, I wouldn’t wanna either. The poor guy is tryina picture me to b as normal as he possibly can, and then I come out wit some stupid psycho babble bull shit.
Bottom line, I gotts either put a straight face on n wealk into this shit looking happy, or I need to bow out gracefully and let him move on. I cant b that sad pathetic lil girl anymore. I so jus want ppl to look at me n see someone normal, n no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I mean I wear it on my sleeves, literally. My scarlet letter is these fuckin scars. I can never hide from them. WTF was I thinking all those years? Y didn’t I think of the futire? O that’s right, I didn’t think there would b one. So now im stuck, stuck wit these literal scars to remind me everyday of the past. He says to leave the past in the poast, but how do I do that when I have to look at it everyday. I remember just about every scar, when I did it, where I was, and why I did it. How do u jus leave that in the past? People stare at me, sometimes they ask questions. The guy at DD yesterday asked me what happened. I cant stand that.
Im afraid of everything, legit everything. I cant b near ppl cuz ill have a panic attack, I cant b alone cuz ill do something stupid. Nothing works, nothing will ever work. Im doomed. Life suks then you die. I wish the second part would either hurry up and come, or for me to not look forwatd to it so much.
The other week wit thast fuckin heart attack, I thought it was the end, I was so scared, but at the same tme I was excited. Yea, fucked I no. He asked y I didn’t jus call 911. Well the truth, I wanted to see what would happen. I was scared yes, and wanted his help, but I knew in my mind he wasn’t comin here. I atleast wanted to feel like I reached out. It wouldn’t have been his fault by any means, but all mine. Who wouldn’t jus call 911? Me that’s who. I wanted to see if I could really jus let myself die. They say that upper death is the worst that u can have, not like downs, but wit up u will feel everything and know exactly what is coming. I wanted to feel it. I was ready. Im so fucked.
On the other hand, I didn’t want any of that. I want to get better and kick all this shit. I want to live a fuckin normal life. I want to go to the movies wit my love, I want to go to sleep next to him, and wakr up next to him. I miss the nights where he would b half asleep n tell me he loves me. God I miss him so much. WTF did I do? Y do I always ruin everything? Nothing will ever b the same. Hes done wit me, its basically jus a waiting game now. Im waiting to see when he leaves me.
Legit, without him I am nothing. If he leaves me im doomed. I no exactly what will happen. I will go to some motel for a few days, then realize I cant afford it. Ill leave there and begin wandering again, jus like the old days. Ill get caught up in some bull shit, like usual, and beofer I no it, it’s a year later and im either married to some weirdo, addicted to something, homeless on the streets, or god forbid a whore or something. Legit, its my calling. My life has alwayd been doomed. My destiny is to be another statistic.
I will end up alone and I will die alone. Its how it was meant to be. I need to jus stop fighting it and let the future become the present.
That’s it, Im fuckin done, Ima go try to salvage what little I have left. Lets see how this shit works.
8 mutha fuckin days. Can I do it? Lol lets see Kelly demonstrate will power, guaranteed ill be freakin by the the end of the day.