...or lack thereof! 
I am aware that im a seriously over-sensitive person... trying to balance my need for friendship and protecting my fractured ego can be tough.
There are people I used to consider friends once, who are still in my life but I am resentful toward because I realise most of my older friendships were based mainly on a power structure(which I wasn't aware of at the time) so they are now kinda corrupted by that and I guess this is karma; because my(and their) past investments were pretty superficial(although I believed them to be otherwise at the time). I still feel 'hard done by' alot, I was a very wounded person and if I craved people as medicine, to fill a void alone- I deemed them 'friends'.
I rekon my idea of real friendship now really means me being honest with someone and not just playing a part, I realise now what I want and need alot more and also what I need to give.
But ya, friends...I hate that word
It has the same effect as 'picket fence' or 'size 0' on me...seems so unrealistic and unattainable but that is just the way I have come to judge it over the years, probaby because of experiencing chronic lonliness and emptiness.
Someone to connect with who accepts me in essence and respects our differences and I reciprocate- that's my definition, that I can handle.
I am aware that im a seriously over-sensitive person... trying to balance my need for friendship and protecting my fractured ego can be tough.
There are people I used to consider friends once, who are still in my life but I am resentful toward because I realise most of my older friendships were based mainly on a power structure(which I wasn't aware of at the time) so they are now kinda corrupted by that and I guess this is karma; because my(and their) past investments were pretty superficial(although I believed them to be otherwise at the time). I still feel 'hard done by' alot, I was a very wounded person and if I craved people as medicine, to fill a void alone- I deemed them 'friends'.
I rekon my idea of real friendship now really means me being honest with someone and not just playing a part, I realise now what I want and need alot more and also what I need to give.
But ya, friends...I hate that word
It has the same effect as 'picket fence' or 'size 0' on me...seems so unrealistic and unattainable but that is just the way I have come to judge it over the years, probaby because of experiencing chronic lonliness and emptiness.
Someone to connect with who accepts me in essence and respects our differences and I reciprocate- that's my definition, that I can handle.
I get it 