what the fuck?

was that all about? I don't even know how that happened so fast but tonight was one of the worst nights ever. EVER.

I took a few ambien last night, I'm sure some of you folks may have noticed... well this morning my bottle of ambien only had two left. I took 13 ambien. and I shot one of them. that's bad enough right? well my girl comes over today and just happens to open the bottle, flips out and obviously I have to tell her what happened. so she freaks out cause she's never been an addict and drugs is drugs to her so she's all like "OMG ur relapsing, I can't take this! we're done!!! omg omg!!!"

so I spend more than an hour trying to calm her down and explain that it was really just an accident and that ambien is obviously not the sleeping pill for me. I only remember taking 4 pills. then its a blank... oh yeah I had probably 5 or 6 beers before that too....

I'm really fucking stressed, I heard my stepfather and grandfather downstairs earlier talking ALL kinds of shit about me and my friend (who just got out of jail/rehab) calling us both junkie scum and all kinds of shit like that. talking about how he doesn't feel safe in his own home because of me and all sorts of other things that really hurt a guys feelings when you get right down to it...

so here's where I stand as of this moment. at my mothers house where I'm not wanted, I want to be with my girlfriend, at her house, but she's still pissed about the ambien and chalks it up to me being a drug addict still and pretty much doesn't think that's going to change. she said some CRAZY things, talking about packing a suitcase and just rolling out on me. just leaving and not telling anyone where she was going.....I'm rambling.... anyway, I want to be at her house, but she doesn't want me there. I don't want to be here, but have no choice....

shit like this makes you srsly contemplate just ending things for good. when it feels like everyone in your life would be happier if you were gone you know it's been a bad day...



dP needs a hug, bad....

 

I know you've been through soo much shit lately, and it looks like the people that are around you aren't being as understanding as you need them to be. That really sucks, and I feel that pain, the pain of not being wanted in your only home. The pain that you feel when they say "I love you, but..." is soooo deep, and it's easy to feel helpless and without options. Don't fall into that trap, you CAN still do something, this is not the end of anything. Recovery is a long road, and the spike is not something that can be forgotten. You gotta get back on track, and you can...

I've sent you a PM, don't hesitate to call if you need to... You still have my number?

 

{{hugs}}

Sometimes no matter how much your partner thinks they know about addiction, they don't. Hang in there, man. I don't know you well, but I know you'd be missed by more people than you realize.

 

^ What she said. You would be sorely missed.

 

Even though I don't know you, I really sympathize with you after reading that. Ambien is a beautiful drug when it works correctly and doesn't cause the kind of reaction you're describing. Unfortunately, that kind of reaction is all to common when it comes to that drug. I myself had an incident with it after only having taken it for about a week. I got up in the middle of the night and got in my car and went for a drive because I was hell-bent on getting easter candy for some reason. Long story short, I ended up shoplifting a good five or six bags of easter candy from walgreen's, swerving all over the road on the way home, hitting several medians and curbs, and blowing out two tires. I just thank God I didn't total my car, injure myself, or worst of all, injure or kill anyone else.

Relationships are f'ing tough when you're an addict, whether you're actively using or in recovery. I'm sorry your girl didn't hear you out but hopefully she'll come around and realize you are trying to stay clean or sober or whatever and that you didn't intend to take that many pills. As for your family, that just sucks. I mean, they may have a right to be upset, I don't know and it's not my place to say, but they should also be supportive and not only realize that relapse is part of recovery, but that you made an honest mistake. To make you feel guilty over it and to talk shit behind your back to other family members seems disgraceful to me.

Hang in there man, because even if things are bad right now and no one seems to have your back, there are people that do love you, even the ones that sometimes talk shit or go ape-shit on you. If you were to disappear, I'm sure they would be devastated. Suicide leaves emotional scars that never heal, which you may already know from experience like I do. All things pass in time, and your life will get better, I promise.

Hope you are safe and feeling somewhat better. *hugs*

 

sorry DP, but your girl sounds like a cunt. Wat a bitch. people who dont understand addiction or dont even use drugs much less have a problem with them, can be some of the biggest bitches on earth when it comes down to you needin help or someone to understand you. your chick now is the same one that came online on BL before and bugged on u 4 talkin to girls in the lounge that one time too, right? sounds like u got ur hands full wit this broad....and that sux when u need to be focusing on urself to have to deal with this other person and their reactions to ur life too. its so much to balance all at once, it sux , u can never just do the shit that u really need to do for urself becuz u got to edit how u talk, and wat u do, according to the preferences of ur GF/BF or theyll freak out on u and make shit stupid hard. i feel for u 100% cuz i been there homie, u kno that. listen yo i aint gonna get up in ur shit i think its disrespectful for ppl to tell u wat u should or shouldnt do when it comes to you SO, its one thing when a dude got a new girl that aint done much for him and dont do shit but bitch, cheat on him, whine, cry, manipulate, and suck dick (figuratively, but never literally ) . when its somethin like that, and the chick is a total bitch who deserves to get shot in the tits on the edge of the woods and have her weave pulled out and used to make bird nests, then its OK to be like DUMP THAT HO....But i kno u and ur lady been together a long time similar to me and my man so its different. so u kno, do u, but just know that i mos definatly understand n feel ur pain. stupid , ignorant over reacting from ppl that dont know nothin about drugs, and refuse to learn , only wanting u to fit with their idea of how a person should be, and be able to change as fast as they snap their fingers, just makes a person miserable. "change, for ME, and do it NOW!" 8( im sorry u got to go thru that shit yo, ill pray that this female can develop some patience, empathy , and open mindedness, becuz if theres one thing u dont need, its ANOTHER person in ur life judging u cuz of somethin they dont kno jack shit about, especially when that person is suppose to be the one u can go to for support and love to get u thru the hard times and instead they constantly giving u shit becuz they refuse to accept the truth and view ur drug use / addiction as some undesireable, disgusting tumor thats growing on your heart and think that somehow, thru nagging, bitching, and ultimatums they can somehow make it disappear or force u to cut it off. I dont kno how people can be so selfish and believe that YOU actually the selfish one....or how they can be stupid enough to believe that repeating the same shit over and over again, will totally work...because its THEIR way. "u should quit now to make me happy, because thats how I want you to be. and you should just stop. god, stop making excuses. gawd, cigarettes are more addictive than heroin, and *I* was able to quit smoking cold TURKEY, so i dont understand why YOU cant just stop using already, unless you care about your stupid DRUGS more than you care about me. wat do u mean u cant just stop? The other 2 times u tried to stop and it ended up not working out? Uhh, sweetie, they didnt work because YOU DIDNT TRY HARD ENOUGH, duh...And you didnt listen to me, I TOLD u wat u should do but u didnt do it...i dont kno why u cant just listen to me, gawd..."

and then u finally start to try and quit and u aint got time to spend with them becuz ur in insane, agonizing pain, and cant even see straight, and want to kill everybody that crosses ur path, and they call up and whine...Wwaaahhh,, baby..,. why dont u have TIEM for meeee? I thought u was QUITTING....I bet you getting HIGH right NOW! U sound fucked up! Wats wrong with u? why cant u pay attention to ME? I dont understand why u have to be ALONE to quit, wat, u dont want to see me?? Fine, I guess ill just go off on my OWN, since you dont NEED me....."

And so on....God bless u brother, i know i couldnt put up with it. i pray for u, and that u keep it goin on, and that divine grace blesses your girl with a new understanding . good luck and holla at cha girl any time u need to talk yo, b good.....pce...

 

lacey, you're the shit. that post fuckin rules. :D

and for the record, yes everything got straightened out with everyone... I was just reeling from that shit when I wrote this. like it had just happened.

but thanks yall

dP

 

you ll be alright man up and dont let your girl controll you you take control i need some ambien right about now my delivery boy is out sick guess i gotta use my other guy he has great quality and freeovernight shippingi save a ton just on scripts