Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
About six months ago I broke 5 years of abstinence from stimulants and ordered a gram of meth and half a gram of MDMA from the dark web. There begins my descent into a gentle kind of madness that I desperately want to stop. Given that I actually loved being sober for that long and had achieved some quite spectacular academic achievements during that time the reasons for doing something that had become so out of character elude me somewhat. It seems however, that I had made a mistake in ceasing my bi-polar medication and triggered a manic episode. Ironically, it was only because life was so stable and productive that I thought it might be time to wind back the meds. Turns out my bi-polar can subsist entirely on a diet of stimulants and it has a fiendish hunger once the mania cracks open.
Fast forward six months and I’m still shooting up meth at least once per week. I really don’t want to. In fact it barely works for me anymore now I have a huge tolerance and am taking my bi-polar meds again. They seem to prevent most of the really good effects of meth. I haven’t felt euphoric in months. All I feel is normal when I take meth. The rest of the week I feel down and depressed. I think this depression is partly drug induced but also due to some family circumstances that are beyond my control but for which I nonetheless feel responsible.
At the time I started this meth experience, I was two years into a PhD program with a full scholarship. I probably only had a year to go in writing up my dissertation. However, of the 80,000 words I need, I’ve managed 10,000 in six months. And they are not a very good 10,000. One of the effects of the meth is to kill my memory which makes it impossible to recall a lot of my fieldwork and prior theoretical reading. I feel as if I have learned nothing during the course of my program - but I’ve learned a hell of a lot, only to lose it as my memory packs it in in the face of the onslaught of meth each week.
I have managed about 2 weeks Straight clean during this six months. And most weeks I manage 4 days or so of abstinence but those days are mostly wasted due to recovery. My family just thinks my bi-polar has cycled into depression. Given I am a very high functioning addict (for whom his DOC barely registers anyway) no one suspects there is a drug addiction going on.However, it has been commented upon that I’m getting quieter and quieter and more and more withdrawn as time goes on.
I thought about going to rehab but decided against it even though my family would support me. The main problem is that I don’t think I can detox without a lot of benzos which the rehab won’t offer. The other reason is I’m afraid the abstinence-based rehab will cut off my ADHD dexamfetamine - which I really need to work and study effectively.
I spend a lot of time on BL so I’m making this note to myself here to remind myself of where I am honestly at and also to track my recovery moving forward. I’m high now and I have about a gram left which I’m neither going to flush or attempt to taper with. I’m just going to take it as a last blast (not that there is much bang in it) before making a more committed and focussed attempt to stay clean. I expect I’ll manage 4-5 days before I’m consumed by cravings and I lose my momentum. Hopefully, before I pick up again I’ll re-read this and get a grip on what this is costing me.
The costs are high. I’m avoiding my kids. I’ve collapsed most of my arm veins. I’m spending thousands of dollars. I’m throwing away 2 years of hard work and a promising academic career. I’ve lost almost all my self confidence. There is no payoff either, unless you count hours jacking off or hanging out with working girls as being the best version of yourself. I haven’t even had a real rush in months.
The one thing that I do know is that there is something missing in my recovery attempts. I don’t know what it is and wonder if there is some psychological fault or trauma that needs to be corrected. I don’t know if I keep using to cover something up. I know I did do that in my youth but thought that years of counselling had dealt with all the hurt that led me into hard drugs originally some 30 years ago. Whether there is or there isn’t, it’s clear that willpower and drawing on cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness on my own is not cutting it. Maybe its just the meth. Perhaps it really is more insidious than any other drug and that much harder to step away from. I don’t know if it would be better or worse for my problem to be strictly chemical rather than psychological.
I’m not going to update my success here. Take it for granted that if I’m quiet about what’s going on then I’m happily sober once more. I will document my struggles and failures though since writing them out seems a helpful way of dissecting them and perhaps eventually understanding them so that they can be avoided in the future.
Fast forward six months and I’m still shooting up meth at least once per week. I really don’t want to. In fact it barely works for me anymore now I have a huge tolerance and am taking my bi-polar meds again. They seem to prevent most of the really good effects of meth. I haven’t felt euphoric in months. All I feel is normal when I take meth. The rest of the week I feel down and depressed. I think this depression is partly drug induced but also due to some family circumstances that are beyond my control but for which I nonetheless feel responsible.
At the time I started this meth experience, I was two years into a PhD program with a full scholarship. I probably only had a year to go in writing up my dissertation. However, of the 80,000 words I need, I’ve managed 10,000 in six months. And they are not a very good 10,000. One of the effects of the meth is to kill my memory which makes it impossible to recall a lot of my fieldwork and prior theoretical reading. I feel as if I have learned nothing during the course of my program - but I’ve learned a hell of a lot, only to lose it as my memory packs it in in the face of the onslaught of meth each week.
I have managed about 2 weeks Straight clean during this six months. And most weeks I manage 4 days or so of abstinence but those days are mostly wasted due to recovery. My family just thinks my bi-polar has cycled into depression. Given I am a very high functioning addict (for whom his DOC barely registers anyway) no one suspects there is a drug addiction going on.However, it has been commented upon that I’m getting quieter and quieter and more and more withdrawn as time goes on.
I thought about going to rehab but decided against it even though my family would support me. The main problem is that I don’t think I can detox without a lot of benzos which the rehab won’t offer. The other reason is I’m afraid the abstinence-based rehab will cut off my ADHD dexamfetamine - which I really need to work and study effectively.
I spend a lot of time on BL so I’m making this note to myself here to remind myself of where I am honestly at and also to track my recovery moving forward. I’m high now and I have about a gram left which I’m neither going to flush or attempt to taper with. I’m just going to take it as a last blast (not that there is much bang in it) before making a more committed and focussed attempt to stay clean. I expect I’ll manage 4-5 days before I’m consumed by cravings and I lose my momentum. Hopefully, before I pick up again I’ll re-read this and get a grip on what this is costing me.
The costs are high. I’m avoiding my kids. I’ve collapsed most of my arm veins. I’m spending thousands of dollars. I’m throwing away 2 years of hard work and a promising academic career. I’ve lost almost all my self confidence. There is no payoff either, unless you count hours jacking off or hanging out with working girls as being the best version of yourself. I haven’t even had a real rush in months.
The one thing that I do know is that there is something missing in my recovery attempts. I don’t know what it is and wonder if there is some psychological fault or trauma that needs to be corrected. I don’t know if I keep using to cover something up. I know I did do that in my youth but thought that years of counselling had dealt with all the hurt that led me into hard drugs originally some 30 years ago. Whether there is or there isn’t, it’s clear that willpower and drawing on cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness on my own is not cutting it. Maybe its just the meth. Perhaps it really is more insidious than any other drug and that much harder to step away from. I don’t know if it would be better or worse for my problem to be strictly chemical rather than psychological.
I’m not going to update my success here. Take it for granted that if I’m quiet about what’s going on then I’m happily sober once more. I will document my struggles and failures though since writing them out seems a helpful way of dissecting them and perhaps eventually understanding them so that they can be avoided in the future.
