Thoughts and tears.

I am just trying to think of the things I am thankful for. I sit and wonder why I can say I am happy without you because I am happy being here with my daughters. So which am I am? When being tore is this unfixable it becomes like a numbness. I taste the blood from my blade and lick my wounds in the hopes they will dissappear but all I have lost is time. I am in a battle of whitts with myself. When will I ever learn that is an unfair playing field or do I need the pain of defeat to feel at all? Do I self destruct to punish myself for my faults and wrongs or do I need them to feel alive. I am so tired that I am not able to rest. It is a numbing that I can't seem to fix. I have to feel alive again. So I am slowly trying to piece together all my wrongs and rights. Trying to see what all went wrong, all I could have changed. Although I know the truth, we were so out of control, and no matter how many times I say it wasn't my fault I will never really believe that. You are still dead and I remain. It makes fault so stupid because the facts remain. In this it makes no sense to try to fix it but I can not stop trying. It seems so simple to let go, but then it will be what I already know in my heart. Finalized....without my say in any of it. I feel defeated, and I dream of you, it is so horrible to wake to find you were only in my mind. No matter how long your gone you are still in my heart because I swore long ago that I will hold onto our yesterday. Just in the hopes I don't have to really let you die. I can't be without this fight because if i let it go, I will be letting you go and I am still not ready too.