(Mods, if you feel any of this is incriminating to me, please tell me and I will delete it. I try to keep things as vague as possible and feel like I do a decent job of it but sometimes I can over-share.)
So, wow -- I found out what happened to my disappearing buddy that I wrote about in the my post. Let's just say it wasn't good. Legally. Not for him personally, but for the little community there is. It's coming to an election year so it isn't surprising they want to sweep up the dirt in their city, but let's just say his circle got a whole lot smaller for a few years. I'm somewhat worried for my own legal safety as there are phone records to think about but I've kept my nose as clean as possible (pun intended) with this stuff. When I do business with someone new, I will grab a small amount of whatever. See how it works out, get a feel for the person and how they operate. Then, if things seem cool, I will try and go for more and probably end up getting closer to the person. It happens mostly naturally. A little forced at first sometimes, but I don't mind making friends with them. I see them a lot and both of our safety is on the line. I'm not very good at this type of stuff anyway so it doesn't really happen too often that I find a new connect. BUT -- I don't want to put my girlfriend or brother's lives in jeopardy (as in, legal jeopardy. I'm not robbing people or anything). I also like to keep my dignity intact. Haven't sucked cock for a hit of anything. Praying it never comes to that point. But financially, it's been wrecking me.
But I am not ready to stop. Really, truly, I am not. It's so sketchy and hot in the area with police activity, as this is a gentrifying community so they want to clean up their undesirables to hike up rents and attract people who commute to Manhattan as it's an area just outside the city with an easy commute. It's also a decent area to live and raise kids and the whole nine yards.
So, even knowing this, last night I decided to grab 2 pills from my buddy who is possibly wanted and being watched on what was one of my most paranoid runs yet. Lent the guy 20 bucks even. I needed the pills. After housing court and after being at social services all day, I was fucking craving it. I would normally not even bother with 2 pills and just deal with the sickness. My guy isn't motivated by the money, he's motivated by the drugs. So if he can't keep things moving around, he can't get high. Also, his girlfriend is probably just using him for a free high. I'm not positive, but there's quite a disparity in age and appearances. She seems like a genuine girl, but I can see a budding addict. Could have been me from 4 years ago.
Housing court went pretty good. I mean, as good as housing court can really go. I went to social services but didn't qualify for anything, aside from food stamps. I am not proud of having to use these services but alas, there I was, with my hat upturned. I spent about 6 hours of my day sitting and waiting with the huddled masses on the dole. Occupy Wall Street? Occupy the welfare office. They had to add a separate location for people to go to in order to apply for food stamps. I heard that the line to just get into the building was around the block. Luckily yesterday was a fairly nice day for all those people to wait outside like that for hours.
There was an older Jamaican lady I was sitting next to for about an hour. Her spirits were pretty good as she told me her story, which was depressing as all hell. She's getting evicted on 11/25 -- the day after "Thanksgiving"... She said something like, "How can I cook for my family and be thankful when the next day I am going to be homeless?" I know this woman has her life and her strong spirits but it's really a damn shame. I've never seen so much designer clothing, shoes and state of the art cell phones. Toddlers dressed in Nike Jordan sneakers and Babyphat and Rocawear. I understand the mentality of people who live in the fucking ghetto -- I am one of them. I've always went to schools in Manhattan, on the upper east side, with the spoiled kids who's parents paid rents of $4,000 a month. Could you imagine?! In 1996/7 dollars.
My parents didn't even make $4,000 dollars a month combined. Probably half of that, in total. And I am being generous... take home pay, after taxes and 401k investments and insurance was probably much less than $2000 per month. In Middle School, I was one of the "poorest" kids there. My best friend was one of the other poor kids, that I came into the school with from my elementary school.
I remember in 7th grade, around Christmas time, my little group of friends were going to exchange Christmas gifts. Somehow, I convinced my mother to get all of my friends a CD. This was when CDs were like $15-$20 dollars each. Multiply that by 10, you're talking $150-$200 dollars just so I could save face in front of my peers. Some of the more well-off kids whom I gave CDs to for that Christmas exchange didn't even get me anything in return. I was very hurt at the time but I realized money couldn't buy friendship and even if it could, I didn't have enough anyway. Plus, everyone's parents' financial situation was different. But judging from where they lived, they couldn't have been too bad off...
How did I get into these schools that are so monopolized by well-off New Yorkers? Well, from my elementary school in the Bronx, my 5th grade teacher recommended myself and 4 of my friends to go to a specialized Middle School for gifted kids. We all ended up getting into the school -- a white Jewish girl, a black girl, a Korean boy who's 2nd generation American and a Dominican boy who is 2nd generation American as well. I guess they wanted to increase the diversity or some other bullshit initiative to save more face. Now, years later, one is a Yale Graduate, one is a GWU graduate, another graduated a really good public University and I am still in the neighborhood we all came from and wanted to leave all those years ago, as 11 year old kids commuting to school on the subway together for 2 hours a day in order to realize those dreams of better lives. It all sounds so easy but was so complicated for me. The first time someone asked me if I was depressed was a teacher in my 7th grade class... My smart ass remark was "I don't believe in depression" ... But I suppose I was depressed. Maybe even suicidal. My parents never addressed it because they were working class folks who just bucked up and dealt with shit. They didn't pay someone to listen to them cry about their problems. I feel like I've inherited quite a bit of that hardened personality. That's not to say I wouldn't cry myself to sleep most nights and not be able to get out of bed most mornings. Because that was me, too. It's been "me" for many years. I just felt like it was my personality clashing with that of the other kids. I certainly didn't fit in with them. Stereotypical "gifted" kids; lots of them Jewish like me, but no way was I allowed in that clique. The others were the "smart Asian" types. Then there were some kids with pigment ranging from Puerto Rican to black. But not many. It was a very insular little community to which I didn't belong and therefore didn't want to be in.
The actual schoolwork bored me, as usual, and I ended up missing half of 8th grade, thus being "left back" for the first time, ever. I was mortified and felt like I disappointed my parents because I was going to go to a great school and become a Doctor or a Lawyer and fucked it all up by getting left back. (How could my brother become a Doctor or Lawyer? He is, for all intents and purposes, mentally retarded. It still hurts to type it, much less say it, but sometimes I wish he was "normal" and could help me on the same level as I've seen other siblings. Or perhaps, through the tragedies of my father's illness and my mother's death, if my brother was "normal" [like me??? HA!] and could take care of himself, we would have drifted apart a long time ago and who knows where we would be.
I am the Queen of fucking tangents, but this makes me want to talk about my dad's sister a little bit. I won't call her my aunt, because she is nothing to me. But my dad always told me never to treat my brother the way my dad's sister treated my dad and now I see why. She is a stone cold, heartless woman with no amount of care for anyone but herself. She even told me numerous times that "if only [my] brother wasn't around, I'd take you in to live with me" ... Like, what? Really, who says these things? Where exactly would my brother be then? We are only 3 years apart and he's taller than me but I'd kill for that kid.
Another part of me is just like -- get the fuck over it. You never were going to amount to anything anyway so why not just accept being the poor white trash you really are? That's usually the voice that wins out...
So, wow -- I found out what happened to my disappearing buddy that I wrote about in the my post. Let's just say it wasn't good. Legally. Not for him personally, but for the little community there is. It's coming to an election year so it isn't surprising they want to sweep up the dirt in their city, but let's just say his circle got a whole lot smaller for a few years. I'm somewhat worried for my own legal safety as there are phone records to think about but I've kept my nose as clean as possible (pun intended) with this stuff. When I do business with someone new, I will grab a small amount of whatever. See how it works out, get a feel for the person and how they operate. Then, if things seem cool, I will try and go for more and probably end up getting closer to the person. It happens mostly naturally. A little forced at first sometimes, but I don't mind making friends with them. I see them a lot and both of our safety is on the line. I'm not very good at this type of stuff anyway so it doesn't really happen too often that I find a new connect. BUT -- I don't want to put my girlfriend or brother's lives in jeopardy (as in, legal jeopardy. I'm not robbing people or anything). I also like to keep my dignity intact. Haven't sucked cock for a hit of anything. Praying it never comes to that point. But financially, it's been wrecking me.
But I am not ready to stop. Really, truly, I am not. It's so sketchy and hot in the area with police activity, as this is a gentrifying community so they want to clean up their undesirables to hike up rents and attract people who commute to Manhattan as it's an area just outside the city with an easy commute. It's also a decent area to live and raise kids and the whole nine yards.
So, even knowing this, last night I decided to grab 2 pills from my buddy who is possibly wanted and being watched on what was one of my most paranoid runs yet. Lent the guy 20 bucks even. I needed the pills. After housing court and after being at social services all day, I was fucking craving it. I would normally not even bother with 2 pills and just deal with the sickness. My guy isn't motivated by the money, he's motivated by the drugs. So if he can't keep things moving around, he can't get high. Also, his girlfriend is probably just using him for a free high. I'm not positive, but there's quite a disparity in age and appearances. She seems like a genuine girl, but I can see a budding addict. Could have been me from 4 years ago.
Housing court went pretty good. I mean, as good as housing court can really go. I went to social services but didn't qualify for anything, aside from food stamps. I am not proud of having to use these services but alas, there I was, with my hat upturned. I spent about 6 hours of my day sitting and waiting with the huddled masses on the dole. Occupy Wall Street? Occupy the welfare office. They had to add a separate location for people to go to in order to apply for food stamps. I heard that the line to just get into the building was around the block. Luckily yesterday was a fairly nice day for all those people to wait outside like that for hours.
There was an older Jamaican lady I was sitting next to for about an hour. Her spirits were pretty good as she told me her story, which was depressing as all hell. She's getting evicted on 11/25 -- the day after "Thanksgiving"... She said something like, "How can I cook for my family and be thankful when the next day I am going to be homeless?" I know this woman has her life and her strong spirits but it's really a damn shame. I've never seen so much designer clothing, shoes and state of the art cell phones. Toddlers dressed in Nike Jordan sneakers and Babyphat and Rocawear. I understand the mentality of people who live in the fucking ghetto -- I am one of them. I've always went to schools in Manhattan, on the upper east side, with the spoiled kids who's parents paid rents of $4,000 a month. Could you imagine?! In 1996/7 dollars.
My parents didn't even make $4,000 dollars a month combined. Probably half of that, in total. And I am being generous... take home pay, after taxes and 401k investments and insurance was probably much less than $2000 per month. In Middle School, I was one of the "poorest" kids there. My best friend was one of the other poor kids, that I came into the school with from my elementary school.
I remember in 7th grade, around Christmas time, my little group of friends were going to exchange Christmas gifts. Somehow, I convinced my mother to get all of my friends a CD. This was when CDs were like $15-$20 dollars each. Multiply that by 10, you're talking $150-$200 dollars just so I could save face in front of my peers. Some of the more well-off kids whom I gave CDs to for that Christmas exchange didn't even get me anything in return. I was very hurt at the time but I realized money couldn't buy friendship and even if it could, I didn't have enough anyway. Plus, everyone's parents' financial situation was different. But judging from where they lived, they couldn't have been too bad off...
How did I get into these schools that are so monopolized by well-off New Yorkers? Well, from my elementary school in the Bronx, my 5th grade teacher recommended myself and 4 of my friends to go to a specialized Middle School for gifted kids. We all ended up getting into the school -- a white Jewish girl, a black girl, a Korean boy who's 2nd generation American and a Dominican boy who is 2nd generation American as well. I guess they wanted to increase the diversity or some other bullshit initiative to save more face. Now, years later, one is a Yale Graduate, one is a GWU graduate, another graduated a really good public University and I am still in the neighborhood we all came from and wanted to leave all those years ago, as 11 year old kids commuting to school on the subway together for 2 hours a day in order to realize those dreams of better lives. It all sounds so easy but was so complicated for me. The first time someone asked me if I was depressed was a teacher in my 7th grade class... My smart ass remark was "I don't believe in depression" ... But I suppose I was depressed. Maybe even suicidal. My parents never addressed it because they were working class folks who just bucked up and dealt with shit. They didn't pay someone to listen to them cry about their problems. I feel like I've inherited quite a bit of that hardened personality. That's not to say I wouldn't cry myself to sleep most nights and not be able to get out of bed most mornings. Because that was me, too. It's been "me" for many years. I just felt like it was my personality clashing with that of the other kids. I certainly didn't fit in with them. Stereotypical "gifted" kids; lots of them Jewish like me, but no way was I allowed in that clique. The others were the "smart Asian" types. Then there were some kids with pigment ranging from Puerto Rican to black. But not many. It was a very insular little community to which I didn't belong and therefore didn't want to be in.
The actual schoolwork bored me, as usual, and I ended up missing half of 8th grade, thus being "left back" for the first time, ever. I was mortified and felt like I disappointed my parents because I was going to go to a great school and become a Doctor or a Lawyer and fucked it all up by getting left back. (How could my brother become a Doctor or Lawyer? He is, for all intents and purposes, mentally retarded. It still hurts to type it, much less say it, but sometimes I wish he was "normal" and could help me on the same level as I've seen other siblings. Or perhaps, through the tragedies of my father's illness and my mother's death, if my brother was "normal" [like me??? HA!] and could take care of himself, we would have drifted apart a long time ago and who knows where we would be.
I am the Queen of fucking tangents, but this makes me want to talk about my dad's sister a little bit. I won't call her my aunt, because she is nothing to me. But my dad always told me never to treat my brother the way my dad's sister treated my dad and now I see why. She is a stone cold, heartless woman with no amount of care for anyone but herself. She even told me numerous times that "if only [my] brother wasn't around, I'd take you in to live with me" ... Like, what? Really, who says these things? Where exactly would my brother be then? We are only 3 years apart and he's taller than me but I'd kill for that kid.
Another part of me is just like -- get the fuck over it. You never were going to amount to anything anyway so why not just accept being the poor white trash you really are? That's usually the voice that wins out...