It's almost horrifying to find myself where I am today. Yesterday I started it off with a nice big glass of wine only to graduate to whiskey and beer all before my daughter went to school. Ugh I am horribly repeating my mothers actions and fear the consequences. I have no one to be completely honest with and only have the unheard voice of the interweb to get out my emotions before they drive me crazy.
It happened over a decade ago...the choice I made to be an addict. It wasn't an outright, let's get addicted now, but more of a challenge to myself in a way. I could do it, I could take the plunge and come back unscathed, maybe with insight and creativity. Ha, what a crock of shit that was. I thought I fell for the love of my life at 16 only to reconnect with him ten years later after I lost my one real love over religous differences. My hubby now was really just a rebound that I got stuck with, pregnant too soon and now sharing his addiction to opiates. Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband but to be honest I am a better functioning person, not as angry or hotheaded when I am not around him. He left for three weeks for work and in those three weeks I was more productive and had a better relationship with my daughter than I ever had. I hate to say that I am just not sure we are really meant for each other. I like to try and tell myself that we will work together to better each other but sometimes I feel as if I'm just lying to myself. I could say loads of bad things about him, not that he's a bad person really, but lazy, unethical at times, unmotivated, moocher. ugh, it's hard because I can kinda see where he's coming from. I do love him but I really want us to grow, to better ourselves and to work hard on being happy and not just blame the world for all of our downfalls. We have a lot of things in common but sometimes I question his motives, his purity, etc...but that could just be the crazy coming out in me...
I just want so much for us to hold each other up and help each other rise to the goodness that we both have within us. I want to work for our dreams not just sit and complain and mooch. I want to motivate each other to make the right choices the healthy choices and the best choices for us and our family...
Anyways, when I reconnected with my husband (hadn't seen him in six years or so) he fell for me immediately, and me having co dependency issues took him under my wing. At the time though I didn't realize that there was anything wrong. He seemed happier and more outgoing than I remembered. Then I started seeing him take his "meds" every day. I didn't really know what they were and up until then I had only tried opiates once, when they were prescribed and a 5mg hydrocodone made me ill. I found out they were 40mg methadone wafers and he was taking a few of them daily. I was warned by a good trusted friend of mine who had done missionary work with addicts that methadone/opiate addicts are of a different nature than other addcits. I didn't understand what he meant then..I sure do now. Now that I too am an addict. One day while my hubby (then just boyfriend) was at work I got into his med stash and broke the wafer into four pieces and took one piece (ten mgs of methadone). I waiting twenty minutes and then took another piece (now total 20mg methadone) twenty minutes later I still wasn't feeling anything so I took a third piece (totalling 30mg of methadone). I started to look up online what methadone was and came across the info that that 40mg of methadone can kill a non tolerant adult. Oh shit...was I in trouble. It wasn't long after that that I became violently ill, and continued to be so for the next day or two. I am lucky that I survived that. It was probably another year before I tried an opiate again. Not long after that my hubby ran outta his meds one day and became very dope sick. VERY dope sick. He decided then that he was going to kick is 120mg or more methadone a day habit cold turkey so I helped him. It was very hard, and a very very long proccess but he did do it. Although he still occasionally uses, which has lead me to occasionally use.
For me it started with just 5mg of methadone, which could get me high as a kite, and it stayed that way for at least a year. Then I had to bump it up to 10 mgs of methadone. I use to be very responsible with it, only after work or only on day that I didn't work. But then I started taking it before work, then for days in a row. But I still kept withdrawls at bay for the most part. Never more than three days in a row.
Then I moved to a different state, one where quack doctors were everywhere. And I had surgery and was perscribed pain meds. That coupled with my addictive personality and BAM! Addiction here I am. I can now take up to 40mg methadone at once and be a perfectly functioning person throughout the day. Actually I am a better functioning person than if I am not high, at least that's what I tell myself. I am lucky though that I'm not at the point of everyday needle in my arm addiction. Right now I'm going through PAWS. I just nixed the last of my three-four month run on opiates...The physcial part of my latest detox is just about over. But the wanting is there very much. It eats away at my soul. I love opiates. I wish I could do them every day for the rest of my life. But I know that sooner or later the wonderful effects wear off and all you're left with is a massive tolerance, dependence and the shitty side effects, like irritation or constipation. But to be honest? I wish I had never fell in love with lady O. It's not only an addiction to opiates, I'm an addict in general. A functional one at that and it's not every day that I'm intoxicated but there is something about normal conscious experience that eats away at me and I feel the burning desire to alter said state of consciuosness. Either that or I want to nap all day.
I'm antsy. I can't stay in one town for very long. I want to get up and move and do something and some days I just want to die...
It happened over a decade ago...the choice I made to be an addict. It wasn't an outright, let's get addicted now, but more of a challenge to myself in a way. I could do it, I could take the plunge and come back unscathed, maybe with insight and creativity. Ha, what a crock of shit that was. I thought I fell for the love of my life at 16 only to reconnect with him ten years later after I lost my one real love over religous differences. My hubby now was really just a rebound that I got stuck with, pregnant too soon and now sharing his addiction to opiates. Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband but to be honest I am a better functioning person, not as angry or hotheaded when I am not around him. He left for three weeks for work and in those three weeks I was more productive and had a better relationship with my daughter than I ever had. I hate to say that I am just not sure we are really meant for each other. I like to try and tell myself that we will work together to better each other but sometimes I feel as if I'm just lying to myself. I could say loads of bad things about him, not that he's a bad person really, but lazy, unethical at times, unmotivated, moocher. ugh, it's hard because I can kinda see where he's coming from. I do love him but I really want us to grow, to better ourselves and to work hard on being happy and not just blame the world for all of our downfalls. We have a lot of things in common but sometimes I question his motives, his purity, etc...but that could just be the crazy coming out in me...
I just want so much for us to hold each other up and help each other rise to the goodness that we both have within us. I want to work for our dreams not just sit and complain and mooch. I want to motivate each other to make the right choices the healthy choices and the best choices for us and our family...
Anyways, when I reconnected with my husband (hadn't seen him in six years or so) he fell for me immediately, and me having co dependency issues took him under my wing. At the time though I didn't realize that there was anything wrong. He seemed happier and more outgoing than I remembered. Then I started seeing him take his "meds" every day. I didn't really know what they were and up until then I had only tried opiates once, when they were prescribed and a 5mg hydrocodone made me ill. I found out they were 40mg methadone wafers and he was taking a few of them daily. I was warned by a good trusted friend of mine who had done missionary work with addicts that methadone/opiate addicts are of a different nature than other addcits. I didn't understand what he meant then..I sure do now. Now that I too am an addict. One day while my hubby (then just boyfriend) was at work I got into his med stash and broke the wafer into four pieces and took one piece (ten mgs of methadone). I waiting twenty minutes and then took another piece (now total 20mg methadone) twenty minutes later I still wasn't feeling anything so I took a third piece (totalling 30mg of methadone). I started to look up online what methadone was and came across the info that that 40mg of methadone can kill a non tolerant adult. Oh shit...was I in trouble. It wasn't long after that that I became violently ill, and continued to be so for the next day or two. I am lucky that I survived that. It was probably another year before I tried an opiate again. Not long after that my hubby ran outta his meds one day and became very dope sick. VERY dope sick. He decided then that he was going to kick is 120mg or more methadone a day habit cold turkey so I helped him. It was very hard, and a very very long proccess but he did do it. Although he still occasionally uses, which has lead me to occasionally use.
For me it started with just 5mg of methadone, which could get me high as a kite, and it stayed that way for at least a year. Then I had to bump it up to 10 mgs of methadone. I use to be very responsible with it, only after work or only on day that I didn't work. But then I started taking it before work, then for days in a row. But I still kept withdrawls at bay for the most part. Never more than three days in a row.
Then I moved to a different state, one where quack doctors were everywhere. And I had surgery and was perscribed pain meds. That coupled with my addictive personality and BAM! Addiction here I am. I can now take up to 40mg methadone at once and be a perfectly functioning person throughout the day. Actually I am a better functioning person than if I am not high, at least that's what I tell myself. I am lucky though that I'm not at the point of everyday needle in my arm addiction. Right now I'm going through PAWS. I just nixed the last of my three-four month run on opiates...The physcial part of my latest detox is just about over. But the wanting is there very much. It eats away at my soul. I love opiates. I wish I could do them every day for the rest of my life. But I know that sooner or later the wonderful effects wear off and all you're left with is a massive tolerance, dependence and the shitty side effects, like irritation or constipation. But to be honest? I wish I had never fell in love with lady O. It's not only an addiction to opiates, I'm an addict in general. A functional one at that and it's not every day that I'm intoxicated but there is something about normal conscious experience that eats away at me and I feel the burning desire to alter said state of consciuosness. Either that or I want to nap all day.
I'm antsy. I can't stay in one town for very long. I want to get up and move and do something and some days I just want to die...